Workplace Breakup or Family Split? Inner Work for HSPs on Loss & Change

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover thoughts you can question connected to losing a place of safety or a home base.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how to write a judge your neighbor worksheet on a group of people disappointing you, why taking time to listen to your stressful thoughts is the first step to healing, and how to explore all of your hidden layers of stress [00:01:00] about the situation. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions and stressful situations I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

Client: I would like to tell you about my work today. , uh, I make, okay, great. . I made a worksheet about, uh, a situation, uh, concerning.

Uh, my ex colleagues, um, they are, they are going to split up and, um, so I try to make a worksheet, but I, I know there, there are different people involved and, um,

I [00:02:00] am confused. I am confused about what happens, but also confused when I try to make a worksheet about it.

Todd: Yeah, I can see how that could be a challenging situation to, to write, you know, write a judge your neighbor worksheet, which is, uh, the main worksheet for doing the work of Byron Katie. So, you know, normally in that worksheet, you’re trying to identify one person that has done something and you’re upset about it and, but in this case it’s a group of people and they’re, they’re splitting up and there’s a lot of.

A lot of individuals. So how do you do that? Um, so the first thought that comes to mind, and I don’t know, we’ll have to kind of think about this together, but the first thought that comes to me is, uh, to judge the group as a whole. Um, if that’s what’s bothering you. Um, so I don’t know. Do [00:03:00] you want to play with that a little bit and tell me if that makes sense or we can just keep exploring here together.

Client: But they don’t behave as a whole. That’s part of the problem because I, I blame them for not taking, um, yeah, well, they split up so they don’t, uh, continue what we had. Uh, yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. Um, so, so this is a group thing. It’s sort of like. You know, when I think back to when my parents got divorced, it was, I can blame my mom, I can blame my dad, but I’m blaming also blaming them that they didn’t hold it together for me to have a solid family or something too.

Client: It feels as a divorce for me. It really feels as a divorce. It’s so strange. I left home. [00:04:00] I left my spot where I worked for 17 years. And, uh, it feels as if they divorced.

Todd: Yeah. So, um, what does them divorcing and that, if you’re going to use that word, what does that mean? Like, what are they doing to you? What are they causing?

Like, what are, what are they causing to happen to you? Or what are they doing to you when they break up?

Client: Yeah. They and break up my history. Yeah. They break up. Um, um, yeah, the continuing story. As I say that

Todd: again,

Client: the continuing story, they break up, um, yeah, work that has, [00:05:00] uh, been done by, um, the founders. So they don’t honor the founders.

Todd: Yup.

Client: Um.

And they also take away a place where I really felt at home. And, uh, so I can’t even go there and visit them anymore. Well, it will take some months before that will happen, but yeah,

they

Todd: Yeah, and sorry, you had one more?

Client: Yeah, um, they made a choice. For themselves, individual, [00:06:00] and, um, yeah, they neglected or ignored the group or the, yeah, the history.

Todd: Yeah, okay, so these are getting really close to the kind of emotional interpretation of what is stressful about this, um, as far as, as far as I can see from outside here, you can look at the individuals, they did some things, and there could be still some worksheets, like maybe one person was strongly trying to do this, and the other person was trying to do this, and they, you can judge them individually, but, but as a whole, They’re, you know, they’re breaking up your history, uh, breaking up the continuing story.

They don’t honor the founders. Uh, they take away a place where you felt at home. [00:07:00] Uh, they made, uh, you know, a choice for themselves, but they ignored the group or the history. So. So yeah, any one of these could be a great line one for the judge your neighbor worksheet. In this case, it’s going to be I am whatever emotion that is with the group because they did.

This one, this or that or the other.

So, um, if you like, we could do the work. Um, or if you like, you can continue writing this worksheet. Um, what’s, what are your thoughts here at this point?

Client: Um, well, let’s try the worksheet.

Todd: Okay, let’s let’s flush it out. Um, so you know, writing a worksheet is as important as going through the four questions and turnarounds of [00:08:00] the work.

And it’s the way to get all those stressful thoughts onto paper so that you can question them. So we’ve been playing with the, with the basically line one, let’s go ahead and narrow it down. And I will read again those statements that you said and you tell me if one of them is close for you.

Client: Yeah. Okay.

Todd: So they break up my history, they break up the continuing story, they don’t honor the founders, they take away a place where I felt at home, they make a choice for themselves, and they ignore the group or the history.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Which of one, which one of those feels most, uh, stressful to you?

Client: Yeah, they made it, they made up a choice for themselves. Uh, and, uh, [00:09:00] ignored the whole group. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Okay.

So, and that one, since it’s kind of long, kind of has two parts to it, of those two parts, which is the more important or the central part for you? They made a choice for themselves or they ignored the group?

Client: They ignored the group.

Todd: Okay. Great. So let’s choose that then as the main part of your line one statement.

And to finish that. What is the emotion that you’re feeling when you think they ignored the group, basically chose themselves over the group?

Client: Yes. Um, well, it, it confuses me and yeah, I can also be angry about it.

Todd: Okay, great. [00:10:00] So I am confused and angry at them because they, Chose themselves over the group, or they ignored the group.

Yeah. However you want to phrase it.

Yeah. Yeah. They ignored the group. So the next part of the worksheet then is to identify the wants In this situation, what are you wanting? How are you wanting things to be different? Want, are you wanting them to do differently? This is your chance to argue with reality and, and really listen to what those feelings are.

So what do you want? Let’s make a list.

Client: Yeah, I want them to, [00:11:00] uh, make excuses to me for, for, yeah, for breaking up my history.

Todd: Like apologize kind of thing,

Client: right?

Todd: And if you want, I can write these down and then I’ll send them to you. So you can just, uh, stay in the meditation and don’t have to write them down.

Client: Okay. Thanks. Great.

Todd: Okay. So what else do you want? How do you want them to be different in this situation when they’re ignoring the group? I[00:12:00]

Client: want them to have, um, space for my grieving. I

want them to stay together, but that’s, I, it’s absurd. They won’t do that.

Todd: That’s exactly what we’re looking for here.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: That’s what we’re looking for. Like this [00:13:00] is, question two, the wants, is your, your biggest argument with what is. It’s, it’s like your tantrum. Like, what do you want? They’re not, they’re ignoring the group.

What do you want? I want them to stay together. It’s a perfect answer. That’s exactly what we’re looking for. Yeah.

Client: I didn’t admit this to myself.

Todd: I mean, what we’re doing is we’re giving voice to the Something that was already inside there, you know, and then this is just saying what, honestly, what is it that I want?

Oh, I want them to stay together. So clear. Anything else along those lines?

Client: No.

Todd: Okay,

Client: for now, it’s okay. It’s

Todd: good. We found it. You know, that’s, that’s huge. So the next line of the judge your neighbor worksheet is the advice goods. So [00:14:00] if like, what, how do you advise them in this situation? What should they do differently? That would help you to get what you want. Um, basically we’re still arguing with reality here, but it’s a little more subtle, like almost like a little manipulation.

If you would just do this, we’d just see this. If you would only realize that then you would do this and this, and I would get what I want. So what, what advice in terms of they should, or they shouldn’t, can you give them to help you in that direction?

Client: They should, uh, show more respect for, um, the history and, uh, expertise that was built up and the good name.

We have in the community[00:15:00]

and, um,

yeah, they should be, um, aware of, um, that they shatter the good name and, uh, good contacts.

Todd: Yeah. The reason this fits so well in, in the advice. Column is that it has to do with it’s like motivating if they could be aware That they shatter this good name and good contacts. They might think twice about it and Maybe change their mind [00:16:00] or don’t do it. That’s what that’s what this advice is about like how to Change their mind almost, you know, like I said, we’re still arguing with reality It’s still a stressful thought but it’s a little more subtle version of it.

Okay, so let’s keep going then. Um, the next one line four is the needs and this is what you need now to be happy and what they could do to give you that. The assumption is they’re doing something and that’s messing up your happiness. They could, so the, they could do something that would give you your happiness back.

So this is what the needs are. Can you find anything there?[00:17:00]

Client: I need them to comfort me, but how? Okay,

Todd: anything specific they could say or do? That would comfort you.

Client: Being aware that it’s, for me, [00:18:00] nearly traumatic. I don’t know. So, it’s so confusing.

Yeah. As if they put my, as if they take my house away. And, yeah.

Todd: Yeah. So we can say, I need them to see that it’s as if they take my house away.

Client: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Safe spot.

Todd: And once, keep going. Sorry.

Client: Yeah. That they take away a safe spot.

Todd: And then if they saw that, um, what would you need them to say to you or to that to do actually [00:19:00] to make you feel okay again and safe again? Um,

Client: I need them to tell me that they. didn’t think of me. I, well, anyway, I left. I was, yeah, I’m not part of the process. Yeah.

Todd: But still, this, this statement that you just said is, is right on. Like, I need them to tell me that they didn’t think of me. It doesn’t matter that I left or that I’m

Client: no

Todd: longer a part of it.

It’s still, I want to be thought of because.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And we’re just letting the emotions talk here.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So anything else you need them to tell you or to do for you, um, to help you feel safe again?

Client: Um, I need them [00:20:00] to, um, tell me that they didn’t realize that it would be such a shock for me.

Yeah. Exactly.

Todd: Like, if you imagine them doing that, can you feel, like, safe? would that start making you feel more safe again?

Client: Yeah. Yeah. More. Um, yeah. Connects it with them.

Todd: So that’s what we’re looking for in these needs is something they would do that if they did it, it would actually change how you feel.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: They would [00:21:00] actually make you feel more connected, more safe, more happy, more Peaceful. Now, again, this is still argument with reality because we’re wanting them to change and do that.

And they’re not doing that. So it’s still a stressful thought, but it’s a deeper level yet of stressful thoughts. Um, so we’re collecting all the layers of stressful thoughts so that we can question them, um, when we have, when we finish the worksheet. So the next one is the judgments. What do you think of them in that moment when you find out that they have, um, basically, uh, taken, Make made that decision thought about themselves and not Thought about the the group ignored the group.

Yeah. So what do you think of them?

Client: I think they are [00:22:00] egoistic

They behaved in panic They

grabbed the opportunity to Make, um, things open.[00:23:00]

Yeah, they made a choice for themselves. Just for themselves.

No, they are selfish.

Todd: So this is, this is the judgment that, these are the judgments that are sitting in you when you see this situation. [00:24:00] So the last line of the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet is line six, which is, what is it you don’t ever want to experience again with them or a situation like this again?

Client: I don’t want to experience again that my, um, image is shattered.

So enormous,

and that my, my values, um,

seem no worth for them, yeah, and that, that there is such a big difference between, yeah, how I, [00:25:00] uh, choose and what they did. Yeah.

Todd: And then, um, tie it in anything related to the, the idea of them ignoring, uh, the group. Um, I guess that’s kind of what you were just doing actually.

Client: Mm hmm. Um,

Todd: so, yeah. Yeah. I think you may have covered it. But any other thoughts? I don’t ever want, um,

Client: Yeah, I don’t ever want to feel so [00:26:00] much discomfort in a, uh, safe, uh, space. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Great.

Okay, so thank you for sitting with this and, and looking for all the different layers of stressful thoughts that are here and you’ve collected them very systematically. That’s what this worksheet does. And so, Now you have a list. You have a list of many statements. I’ll send it to you so you can start working on it, but just one by one.

Um, go through them question and see what you can find as you explore. But [00:27:00] step one is just that honesty. And you’ve, you’ve, um, done that so well. So thank you.

Client: Thanks. Thanks for guiding me.

Todd: My pleasure. In this episode, we looked at how to write a judge your neighbor worksheet on a group of people disappointing you.

And most of the time, we use this tool, the judge your neighbor worksheet, as a way to identify stressful thoughts about one particular person. And this is pretty straightforward, but when it’s a group of people, in this case, uh, a group of people breaking up, it was, it took a little more thinking at first to realize that Um, we needed to judge them as a whole.

They were doing something to, uh, this participant, and, uh, and so using that wholeness of the whole group as the focal point actually was, [00:28:00] uh, quite effective. We also looked at why taking time to listen to your stressful thoughts is the first step to healing. And this is how the work of Byron Katie always works.

And it’s also just how we take care of ourselves in everyday life. If we really give ourselves time to let ourselves be heard, and allow the stress to emote and to, to get itself out, then we already start to have a little more distance on it. And then if you’re going to go further with it and question those thoughts, As we do with the work of Byron Katie, you can gain even more clarity.

So, honesty is the best policy and it is the starting point for doing this inner work. And we also looked at how to explore all of your hidden layers of stress about the [00:29:00] situation. And this is where the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet that Byron Katie designed so many years ago is so powerful. It starts with identifying the situation and then finding out what was the main offense that the people did.

In this case, they were thinking of themselves instead of thinking about the group. And Then it goes layer by layer looking at the gross layer of what do I want, where am I arguing with the way things are, and she found things like, I want them to stay together, and then it goes a little more subtle to what should they do, what should they be aware of, Um, and, and they, they started to, um, come out as like, they should be aware they’re gonna shatter the good name and, and it becomes like almost a, um, trying to convince them in a way.

It’s a subtler level of stressful thinking. And then the subtlest level [00:30:00] is the needs. Like, what am I needing from them? And, you know, she’s, she felt that she needed, uh, them to, uh, see that it was a big deal for her. Like, it was like losing, uh, her, her family in a way. And so these layers of stress stack up.

And when you identify them, one by one, then you’re getting to the roots of what’s making the whole situation stressful. Then when you question these stressful thoughts, you can end up freeing yourself at the very root level. But you can’t jump ahead. Like each, each layer has its own value. And sometimes I have to question the tantrum before I can question the deep need and both of them are important.

So thanks for listening and thanks for thinking [00:31:00] about how to identify stressful thoughts when you’re getting ready to question them. This is a very important part of the work of Byron Katie and it’s as much a meditation as the going through the four questions and, and, um, turning things around like we often focus on.

So thanks again for being here, and I look forward to having you with us again. In the meantime, I hope you have a great day, and we will see you later.