Decision-Making Stress for Highly Sensitive People: Using The Work of Byron Katie to Find Clarity

Client: I [00:03:00] had a question about using the work to make a decision. If you’re like, not sure if you should do something or not do something, is there a way to bring that into the work?

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good question. One that has, uh, come up many times, and I’ve thought about it a lot over the years, and my conclusion is, at least for me, that the work is not, there’s not a way of making a decision per se.

It can help in a certain way, and I’ll look at that in a minute. But, um, the purpose of doing the work is to. Is to be more at peace with what is, and of course you can do that on about anything, this side, that side of a decision. And I think [00:04:00] what happens is if I’m coming to the work trying to make a decision, then I may be putting a kind of pressure on myself and I may be not actually.

Asking the questions, um, or how should I say it? It, it may not be, it just doesn’t feel like that’s what the work was designed for. Um, I make decisions based on it’s. On my common sense, on my, on my, uh, ability to think and discriminate and act. And so I think of decision making as a kind of action. Um, I’m gonna make a decision, turn left, turn right.

If I was driving a car, I would make a decision. Get in that lane, get in that lane. And as part of the world of action more than anything, um, I think of the work as. The [00:05:00] opposite of that, it’s introspection or meditation or, um. Just how I see the world. Um, so what I can do in making a decision is use the work to question anything that is stressful about a situation and look at whatever resistance I may have, uh, connected to making a decision.

Any fears that I may have, I can question all kinds of things around the situation. Where I would be making a decision, but the actual decision making that has to come just from a spontaneous place of, you know, I think I’m gonna go this way, or, you know what, I think I’m gonna go that way. So I re, I reserve the decision making for my normal self, like my normal me, like when I’m, when I’m in action mode.

But the work is a great way to. [00:06:00] Explore all sides of something and to be sure that I’m not blocking myself because of some preconceived ideas. And so if I take a situation where I’m trying to make a decision and I write down all my stressful thoughts around there, then that’s a really useful way of.

Using the work, not exactly to make the decision, but to prepare the ground so that the decision making can be more clear or more easy or more stress free. Um, you know, you can also question the thought I need to make a decision. ’cause sometimes the pressure. To try to make a decision is blocking you from actually making the decision.

’cause I or I have to make a really the perfect decision, or I can’t make a mistake, I need to do this. Right? These are stressful thoughts that you can question that may be getting in the way of actually making the decision. So that’s my take on it, is the work is for stress. [00:07:00] When I feel stress, what are the, what is the thought that’s causing me the stress?

Is it. Is it the decision making? You could say yes, but I think it’s some actual beliefs about the situation that are making me feel stressed. And when I question those stressful thoughts, then I’m more free to actually make a clear decision. So anyway, that’s, that’s my experience. Uh, I may not have explained it super clearly here, but that’s, um, that’s the way that I treat the work and decision making.

Client: Well, that’s very helpful. Thank you.

Todd: You are welcome. Yeah.

Client: The stress is about, you know, making the wrong decision and, and that Yeah.

Todd: Right now, that’s something we can take to the work. Right? Right. I, I don’t wanna, if I make the wrong decision, oh my God, I don’t wanna make the wrong decision. Okay. Is it true?

Wouldn’t that be radical to question that thought? Is it true? I don’t wanna make the wrong [00:08:00] decision and then, and then turn it around. I’m willing to make the wrong decision. If, if that is there, if I can have that kind of openness, then decision making becomes way less stressful. Um, so yeah, that’s the preparation, but the actual decision making, I just have to, I just have to put my foot forward and go where I go.

Yeah.

Cool. Well thanks for that question. Anyone else have a question or wanna do the work?

And Meg, if you want to do the work on like, uh, I don’t wanna make the wrong decision, or something related to a decision making process, I’m happy to support you with that.

Client: Sure. That’d be great.

Todd: So, okay, great. So how would you phrase that, um, that stressful thought that you were just talking [00:09:00] about?

Client: Well, the situation is that there’s a lot, like across the, the ravine on the other side of the most used view from our house, um, that’s come up for sale. And the, the reason that, um, so it’s like if we don’t buy it and somebody else doesn’t builds, it’ll be a disaster. So that’s the like mm-hmm. That’s the thing.

Like if there’s a house there, that’s gonna change everything. So that’s kind of the gist of it.

Todd: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So this is something that that feeds into this needing to make a decision and the stress around that. So let’s look at that. If someone else builds on this lot that’s for sale, it will be a disaster.

Is it true?[00:10:00]

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true. If someone else else builds there, it will be a disaster.

Client: No, I can’t. No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you see this lot for sale and you have the thought that if someone ends up building there, it will be a disaster for you?

Client: Oh, I keep asking my husband over and over again, should we buy the law? Should we buy the law? And he keeps saying no. And I keep asking again and again, so I’m a real bug about it.

Um, I. I feel like [00:11:00] such a knot in my chest. And, um, anytime I see a car go by, I’m like, oh my God, are they gonna, are they looking at the neighborhood? Oh my God. It’s like, it’s, it’s a, like, it’s a total panic. It’s like, I can’t think of anything else other than are they scoping out the neighborhood? Like, are they the ones who might buy it if I don’t like, so I’m really like jumpy about it.

And, um, like, like consumed by the thought when, when there’s any, um, action on the road. And, um, I, uh, you know, I keep picturing it like, like looking out the window and seeing a house there and like. Like, would it, you know, like how much would we see it? How many trees would they take out? Like, so I’m in the future of, oh my God, they’re gonna come and knock down all [00:12:00] the trees and that’s why we moved here.

And um,

yeah. I.

I’m very uncomfortable. I’m very nervous. I, um, looking for other people’s opinions to call a realtor and asked her and she said, it’s highly unlikely that that lot’s gonna set sell ’cause it’s too steep to build on in her opinion. And, and so I’m like. Questioning her now. It’s like she told me what I like, what I wanted to hear, but now I’m like, highly unlikely.

So highly unlikely. What does that mean? It’s like, is that good enough? But if there’s a single chance, it’s like, that’s [00:13:00] still a problem, you know? So it’s like I’m like. So I’m like really worried about something like it, and then I ask like a professional opinion and then I don’t even trust their opinion, you know?

So.

Todd: Yeah.

And how do you treat your husband? What do you think? If someone else feels it will be a disaster?

Client: Um, I treat him like he’s being. Um, he’s not worried enough about this. Like he’s, he’s not seeing the, like, the complete disaster that this could be. He’s not like, so I’m treating him like he should be flipped out. If I’m flipped out, he should be flipped out like,

like [00:14:00] he’s not.

And he is like he, because he’s saying like, it’s only half the year that we, there’s any way that we’ll see this house. It’s like there’s so many trees between us and them that there’s no possible way for six months of the year that we’re gonna see them. There’s a possibility. And the lot hasn’t sold.

And it may not perk and it may not, it may be too steep to build. So he’s kind of like, just let it be. And I’m like, oh my God. But if somebody came in and bought a house, built a house there, you know, so I’m totally in the future and I’m thinking that he, you know, if I ask one more time, he’ll say yes. You know?

So it’s like how many times do I have to ask you before you change your mind[00:15:00]

Todd: and when you see the the, you mentioned that when you, like the whole reason you moved there, I don’t know how many years ago was it’s

Client: only two to not

Todd: have this. Yeah. So what, go back to those memories of. Um, what do you see there from the past of wanting to move and not have many houses around and that whole thing?

Client: Well, this was like the dream, you know? This was the like, like that was like, I, when I, I don’t see today, like when I look out, I’m, I’m already seeing a house over there that’s not even there. Like I am, I am like, I am not, I’m totally losing today because I’m worried about the future. So the images of when we first got here, you know, it was [00:16:00] just like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, this is amazing.

And, and so I lose that, all of that when I go into. The future, if that’s the question there. Yeah, yeah,

Todd: yeah. So who would you be without this thought that if someone else builds, it will be a disaster?

Client: Well, I could breathe deeply. I can relax. I can trust that. It’s gonna work out for the highest good that

I can trust the realtor. I mean, it’s like, she’s almost like losing a sale. Like what realtor tells you. It’s highly unlikely that anybody’s [00:17:00] gonna buy like, right. I mean, that’s not typical realtor response. Um. Without the thought, I could just say, wow, this is still, it’s still everything we ever wanted.

It’s still perfect. Stay in the present.

Stop bothering my husband about it.

It’s like the last thing before he goes to sleep and the first thing when he wakes up. I,

Todd: I can imagine. Yeah. Don’t you see this disaster? It’s just about to happen.

Client: It’s like, yeah, like did you change your mind overnight while you were sleeping in the last eight hours? You know?[00:18:00]

So, yeah, there’s a lot more peace in the kingdom here. Yeah. Yeah. ’cause I’m peaceful so that I’m not projecting that you He should be on fire. Yeah.

Todd: So turn the thought around if someone else builds, it will be a disaster.

Client: Well, it won’t be a disaster because of the buffer that we do have. Of trees and land. Okay.

Todd: Right. You won’t even be able to see the house half the year.

Client: Yeah. So that’s not a disaster. That’s, that’s more like,

like an inconvenience than a disaster. Mm-hmm. It’s not really a disaster. I mean, the house, if the house burnt down, that would be a disaster. Um.

Todd: Disaster is [00:19:00] what is, what is the definition of disaster?

Client: Yeah. Disaster is something like you really can’t come back from like,

Todd: okay. Yeah. And in this case, I’m assuming it’s that dream that you had when you first moved out there that’s getting, that’s gonna be ruined.

Uh, that’s what you’re assuming is like it’s a disaster if someone builds there. Then your dream can no longer continue. Is that the idea?

Client: Yeah. Yeah. It’s like utopia has been demolished. You know what I mean? Or Right. They’ve paved paradise and they put up a parking lot.

Todd: There you go. So if they paradise and put up a parking lot in your yard, in your, in your neighborhood.

How? How is it possible that even with a house over there, it would [00:20:00] not necessarily end your dream of paradise? It doesn’t necessarily have to dream end your dream of paradise. It doesn’t have to be a disaster.

Client: Well, it would definitely be the back of the house that we would see, so we wouldn’t see people coming or going, like it wouldn’t have that kind of an impact. Um,

they wouldn’t drive by our house to get to that side. They have another road, so it wouldn’t be more traffic on this road. Mm-hmm.

Um.[00:21:00]

They might be nice people. I.

Yeah, after a while after we got used to it.

Um,

Todd: yeah. What, what was that dream? What is, what is living out in the country and not having houses around? What, what was that dream specifically for you?

Client: Just nature, quiet. Not people, not other houses, visually just like to keep [00:22:00] the, the total nature behind us, not taking out any trees for as far as you could see. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Todd: And what was the idea behind that dream that it would give you?

Client: Safety, mental peace. Quiet.

No. Visual pollution. Yeah. No crazy neighbors. No barking dogs. Mm-hmm.

No backyard parties, you know. Like peace. Quiet. Quiet.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So if they [00:23:00] build, if somebody buys and builds, how is it possible that your dream could stay intact? That you could have safety, mental peace, quiet, uh. Even no visual noise. Um, in a way, like even what I’m trying to question is even if the house is there, can you find no visual noise

Client: if I don’t look out the main window?

I guess

Todd: that’s one example. Yes, absolutely.

Client: There are other windows that visual,

Todd: if you call a house. Yeah. If you call a house visual noise, then visual noise is happening in maybe one or two degrees out of 360 degrees. Um, it’s not, it’s not everywhere. Okay.

Client: Right.

Todd: Um, but even if you do look out that window, can you find that it’s not, not necessarily [00:24:00] noise in the sense of something that would disturb your peace.

Client: Well there, because it’s a POA, so they can only have certain colors on their house, which are very brown and gray, basically. It’s very neutral around here, so everything blends into the woods, so they can’t do something that would be really pop out like colorwise. It will blend in to the trees like. So it won’t, I mean, they can’t do, you know, polka dots or they can’t do, you know,

Todd: so the impact is gonna be minimal based on those, those laws.

The rules of

Client: the community. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah, exactly. And um, if you look at your life. Now in your life, in the [00:25:00] future, assuming that a house gets built, um, how much is it going to reduce your access to nature and to quiet and to uh, uh, not having that many people around? How much is the, how big is the impact in reality?

Client: Not as big as I make it. In my mind, the reality and the, and the summer when we really are outside, that’s when the trees are, are full and you won’t see the house anyway. You know, so it’s, so, it’s more like when you’re inside in the winter. It’s not the outside that we came here for. The hiking and the trails.

I mean, that’s that part. It’s like when we’re really outside [00:26:00] in the yard, you’re not gonna see that house anyway. The imaginary house, right?

Todd: And all those things. The hiking and nature is still there. It’s just, and there is a house. Right. The mind says no. Right? Because it’s like, it’s like the white tablecloth and there’s one spot on it. Then, oh my God, let’s throw out the whole tablecloth. ’cause it’s something wrong with it. But it’s, it’s still usable depending on how you look at it.

Depending on what you do with it, maybe you put a candlestick over it. I dunno. Or maybe you just don’t mind. That’s part of the story of the. A tablecloth.

I mean, what is the difference between a house built now and a house that was built a hundred years ago on land in [00:27:00] the middle of nowhere in a way.

So if someone else builds, it won’t be a disaster. That’s the turnaround we’re playing with here. How else, depending on how you hold it, how else could it not be a disaster for you? Even if you do see this house half the year.

Client: Well, it is gonna be a house which is firm. It’s like solid. It’s not gonna be like this neon sign that’s blinking, you know, it’s not going to be distracting in the sense of movement. It’s gonna be.

Todd: Right. S

Client: you know, fighting. It’s not like

Todd: Las Vegas just moved across the street or something, you know, there’s No, it’s just a [00:28:00] house.

Yeah. Yeah. A brown house probably.

Client: So it won’t be a disaster. So not

Todd: a disaster.

Client: Well, because of the steepness of the land, they’re gonna have to build the house very close to the road on the other side. So, so they’re, you know, they’ll have to take out trees to put in a septic system, but. They’re not gonna come any further down. Like they’re gonna want the trees in between as much as we want the trees.

I mean, great point. It’s like they’re gonna take as few trees out as, as they have to. They’re not looking to look at our house. Like they’re not, you know, [00:29:00] they may have the same dream

Todd: of being.

Client: Yeah. I mean every, that’s why people, they may wanna be out in the country

Todd: too,

Client: because they want the the nature and the, and the truth.

Todd: Exactly. Exactly, exactly.

Okay. Anything else? Good that could come from them building there in case they do, I.

Client: To be over with. I could stop thinking about it. You know? It’s like once it’s done, be easier

Todd: to deal with the reality. Yeah.

Client: Once it’s done, it’s done. You know? I mean,

Todd: yeah. Yeah, that’s true. You know, I lived once in North Carolina along the Blue Ridge Parkway and there were just beautiful backdrop out all the windows.

It was gorgeous. And after about six months, maybe not even that long, I didn’t even notice it hardly anymore, you know? And it’s weird, even though it was, it was beautiful how the mind gets accustomed to [00:30:00] something and you know. May just get accustomed to a house there, but in the beginning it’s this big deal.

Um, the reality may not be as big a disaster.

Client: Right?

Todd: So is there another turnaround? If someone else builds, it will be a disaster. I.

Client: If my thinking builds that house, it’ll be a disaster.

Todd: I think you’re already experiencing that.

Client: Look out the window and I think about it. I get upset.

Todd: Exactly. You’re living in hell. Thinking about it, even though nothing has changed.

Client: Right. Right. I’m, my thinking is causing the [00:31:00] disaster because it hasn’t even happened yet.

I mean, and it may never happen.

Todd: Right. Right. And if it does happen, it’ll still be the thinking that causes it to be a disaster, because that all depends on how you view it.

Client: Yes.

Todd: So if my thinking builds, it will be a disaster, right?

Client: Yes. My thinking builds up this disaster in my mind. It’ll definitely affect the quality of mine and my husband’s daily life. That’s

Todd: exactly, yep. Yep. In fact, the original dream is kind of building something up in the mind that that sets up the disaster because the conditions are [00:32:00] so stringent, like there can’t be any people.

It’s gotta be total nature. There’s gotta be, you know. Uh, no barking dogs, no visual noise, all that. And so it’s this. I built this thing. It’s a dream, and that sets up a disaster, which the mind, again, un-create by imagining a house that hasn’t even happened yet. So, so all this disaster happens internally, ironically,

Client: yes.

Todd: Okay. Any other turnarounds? If someone else builds, it will be a disaster.

Client: I don’t, I mean, if they don’t build, this’ll be a disaster. If, if they.[00:33:00]

If they don’t build, it would be a disaster. I don’t know. Um,

Todd: yeah, it’s a, I mean it’s a strange turnarounds of kind of pushing it to the extreme there, but let’s play with it. How could them not building be a disaster somehow? I don’t know. We just have to imagine.

Client: I. Well just if they don’t build and I continue to see a house over there and keep looking and looking for for it, it’ll be a disaster for me.

Todd: Right. So far, that’s the reality. You, they have not built and it’s already a disaster for you.

You’re living the reality of a disaster. Nobody’s built anything.

Client: Well, and I mean, if it’s like, first of all somebody has to buy the land, then it has to get parked and then they have to go through the association. I mean, nothing happens here in under a year and a half. I mean, it just. That’s just [00:34:00] the way of land here.

You know? It’s like, so

Todd: you’re getting a disaster long before it may ever happen, before any house even arrives. Yep, yep. Right.

Client: Yeah. So the biggest thing is, is the thinking in the mind and the visual projection and continuing to. Analyze the disaster, like the projection of the disaster. That’s, yeah, that’s obviously the problem comparatively to somebody actually building over there.

Todd: Exactly. It all depends on how you see it. If somehow that house was not seen as something bad, then it wouldn’t be even considered to be a disaster in your mind.

But [00:35:00] as long as you’re seeing it that way, then you’ll have a disaster happen. Even if they don’t build, you’ve already got, like, say they took the land off the market again, but there’s still, you might rest a little bit, but then, but they could put it back on the market. You know, like the, the disasters just always waiting there, um, when the mind is thinking that way.

Yeah. Without that story that we have to be, have no one around in order to be at peace, then it’s just nature houses, people are a part of nature and it’s, it’s the next evolution of that part of the land. Just as when you built, right. There’s another turnaround. If, if we build it will be a disaster. Maybe for the deer.

It was a [00:36:00] disaster when you built, I dunno. And they’re like, why is this

Client: across? We have the neighbors across the street and they told us they were devastated that we bought the, bought the land in the, okay. I mean, they were just like, came over and told us that they never thought anybody would buy these lots and.

You know, they were, they were really devastated.

Todd: Yeah. So that’s just balance there. You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t, if you hadn’t built on land that someone else didn’t want you to build on. And so the same thing is happening to you and, and that’s. Like it’s fair in a way. It’s, it’s just the way, it’s fair, love and war.

All right?

But who knows? These people may be like you. They love the, the land and to [00:37:00] be out, uh, in nature. And now they have a chance to do that just like you have had. Um, and if you hadn’t been able to buy your land. Then those other people would have their space, but you wouldn’t have the chance to experience that.

So it’s just interesting to think about it in these different ways.

Client: Yes.