Feeling Like a Burden? Stress Management—Navigating Emotional Overwhelm for the Highly Sensitive Person

Todd: [00:00:00] Part of the skill of doing the work of Byron Katie is discovering what the thought is that’s connected to the emotion that you’re feeling. Usually the emotion is the first thing that we feel, but to do the work, you have to look and see what is the thought that’s connected there. And this is a meditative process.

It takes time and it improves with experience. The more you do this, the better you get at finding the stressful thoughts. And to support you in this, I’ve written a book called Finding the Door to Inquiry, and it’s something that you can purchase at the work as meditation.com, and it can give you ideas of where to look for the stressful thoughts that might be causing the stress when you’re feeling some particular emotion.

So go over to the work as meditation.com and then go to the Finding the Door to Inquiry book and check it out.[00:01:00] 

Client: I find it very hard. I feel that it’s like I feel that it’s gonna be a burden. When I talk about that, you have to help me with a wheelchair because I can walk, but I walk with the crutches, but then I get very strangers and have pain and can’t walk very far. And, 

Todd: welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And in this particular session, we are looking at an interesting, stressful situation where someone feels like they’re a burden. I. They need a wheelchair and they’ve asked someone and their family to, to help and they didn’t get the enthusiastic response that they were hoping for.

And so there’s that feeling of stress.

I’m Todd Smith and this program of. Wiggle room is all about the work [00:02:00] of Byron Katie, the work of Byron Katie, if you’re not familiar with it, is a way to question any kind of stressful thought that you might have. Take any stressful situation, and then look at what the thought is connected to the emotion that you’re feeling, and then question it.

We’ll go into it and you’ll get a sense of how it works by listening. But that’s what we’ll be doing here. After that, there is a chance for me to read a newsletter article called Struggle. Why Do We Do It? And How To Stop. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s a simple way to question anything that you think it’s very powerful as well.

And here is the recording, starting with the. Most recent open session, and I share this in its unedited form so that you can experience it the way we experienced it in the group.[00:03:00] 

Client: Thank you. I have a thought that I wanted to bring up I saw a new late letter from you at one stage where you talked about this. Being a burden or being burdened. I don’t know if you remember it. 

Todd: I do, yes. Yes. With my mother-in-law.

Client: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true. And it spoke a lot to me because I am in the situation where I feel that I am the burden.

In some situations, especially, because I have a situation where I have some walking difficulties. And over these last years, it’s been a lot worse. Sometimes I need a wheelchair or can use a wheelchair and I find it difficult to implement in the family. And with the family.

I talk about my sisters because I live alone, I have a daughter and it’s not really a problem with her. We’ve been out [00:04:00] with wheelchair also, but with my family, with my sisters, we go on holiday and and, I find it very hard. I feel that it’s like I feel that it’s gonna be a burden when I talk about that, you have to help me with a wheelchair because I can walk, but I walk with the crutches but then I get very strangers and have pain and can’t walk very far.

And things like that. So it’s like kind of new that I want to take this wheelchair in and I had a situation where I like tried to open up on it and I didn’t get a response that okay, you just bring it, no problem, we can help you. But more oh okay. But not this. I, I. I felt that I needed a little bit more that so I don’t know.

I just thought this because you had this newsletter and I just felt, wow, this is [00:05:00] just the situation I’m in. So I thought maybe if I did the work with you it could be interesting to hear maybe if you have some more open seeing on this. Okay. Yeah. Let’s, so that’s the thought about it.

That’s 

Todd: it. So the situation is when you were trying to open up about it and you didn’t get a response, they didn’t say, oh yeah, go ahead, bring the wheelchair. That’ll be no problem. They did not say that. So then you’re left with a feeling like you’re a burden. Is that the idea? 

Client: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Okay. So in that situation, anchoring yourself in that situation, is it true you’re a burden?

Client: That is what I feel, yes. 

Todd: Okay. And can you absolutely know it’s true. You’re a burden. I.[00:06:00] 

Client: I do feel it. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. That’s, that. 

Client: It does come the feeling.

Todd: We’re just looking for your truth as you see it in this moment. And that’s perfect. So how do you react? What happens when you think that you’re a burden? To your sisters there in that situation,

Client: I find myself like, searching for this kind of comment, no problem, of course. We’re, we are going to help you. So I’m like, disappointed and I get this feeling okay. It’s gonna be a burden. It’s gonna be an extra burden. And I get the feeling that, okay, they’re not really open in my family. Now, both my parent has died, but in my family there has been like we don’t use anything. We don’t [00:07:00] especially not a wheelchair or. Crutches or anything like that. So it’s that’s a feeling that I have had over the years with my family, with my parents, and, so I get all this. Okay. That’s how it is in our family because I’ve been with others and I also have been with my ex-husband and his family. And in, in that sense, there wasn’t a problem. I could easily use it there. It was very open and welcome. So it’s like I, it’s like I can’t get through that wall there. That’s, that. It’s okay. Actually it’s, for me, it’s okay. For me, it’s something that I actually have long for many years because I have had walking difficulties. If we are going for a long time or like. Museums or stuff like that.

And

but I feel this wall is there and then I can’t come through [00:08:00] it. I can’t change it. So I feel stuck.

Todd: And what are the emotions that come up? That stuck feeling. 

Client: It’s just sadness and disappointment and

and not being seen with the difficulties that I have and that I always had. Also as a child, but it was never really seen in. In the family? Not openly. I learned later that my parents have noticed it, and have been around it. But but it’s not what I grew up with. I grew up with, that Oh, we don’t see that.

So I feel it is the same and I feel this sadness and I feel this not being seen. And I feel different,[00:09:00] 

especially this, I feel it’s gonna be an extra burden because normally when I cope with using crutches and I cope as well as I can, and I always pretend that I can do what everybody else can do. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. So how are you treating yourself when you think you’re a burden to your sisters, to your family?

Client: I get this, that I draw back and I get this. Okay. I better not go, I can go with on holiday, but I stay home if there’s some special outings or

I feel like art, like the art one out. Not like really in included. Fully. Yeah. [00:10:00] 

Todd: Yeah. And when you’re talking with your sisters and you’re saying, you tried to open up and then you didn’t get that response that, oh yeah, no problem. Bring your wheelchair. We’ll help you.

You didn’t get that. After that, how do you treat your sisters in any way? Is there anything that comes up, even if it’s just in your mind, how do you start to treat them differently? 

Client: I draw back and I feel that or I get the thought that okay, is my eldest, she’s sister, but she’s very quiet and and it’s so I feel,

I, I feel like she’s not capable. She is not open. She is not it’s not that she is Nope. Don’t wanna have anything to do with that. It’s just [00:11:00] that, not taking a stand. She’s just like silent. 

Todd: So how do you treat her when you see her that way?

Client: I think I treat her like, okay, yeah. I can’t expect any help from that side. Have I ever done that? So I treat her like okay. She is not really capable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then aim, because you’re on your own. She’s really kind. She’s a really kind person. 

Todd: Yeah.

Okay. So who would you be when you’re having this conversation with her and. You don’t have the thought that you’re a burden. Even when she doesn’t enthusiastically say, oh sure, bring your wheelchair. It will be no problem. I’ll push it for you. She doesn’t, if she [00:12:00] doesn’t say that, who would you be if you don’t think that you’re a burden?

Client: I think I will see her more as a person she is

without the thought. Because as I said, it’s not that she’s like denying don’t wanna have anything to do with that, but she is just not really. Expressing herself of her own opinion.

Todd: So what do you see when you look at her? Who Is she there? 

Client: I see actually that she looks at me with a very sympathetic look, or shame.

If she almost feel like sorry for me. Yeah, 

Todd: so interesting because 

Client: yeah, it is actually 

Todd: As we look at, with the [00:13:00] thought, I’m a burden and without the thought I’m a burden, you can see that this thought I’m burden. Blocks the view of her sympathetic or kind view of you, because that’s 

Client: true. Without 

Todd: the thought, you could start to see it with the thought.

It’s only I’m a burden. I’m a burden, I’m a burden, and I have to withdraw. So I’m always fascinated how a thought like this. Can color my experience, can color what I even see because it distracts so much. I’m a burden that I don’t see the actual understanding or compassion or sympathy that she may be having for me.

Even when she doesn’t say it in loud words but you can see it, right? There’s a sense. 

Client: It’s like with the thought, I’m very much in myself, but without the thought, I’m actually [00:14:00] seeing her. Yeah. Instead, yeah. 

Todd: That’s it. That’s it. These thoughts that we believe put us into ourself, not even ourself.

It’s like our story, which is within our ourself, and when we’re not thinking that thought, it’s like the. The veil is lifted and we can see what’s actually going on in the reality in front of me.

Client: But I 

Todd: can’t see it when I’m thinking the thought. That’s what we’re experiencing here directly.

So this is a powerful thought. I’m a burden. It just closes everything and now I’m just, I am what I believe I am, which is a burden. 

Client: Yeah. I got this idea that I’m a burden many other places from too. So it’s yeah. So it can be like a kind of a habit that it just comes in immediately. 

Todd: Yeah.

Yeah. I think a lot of these thoughts are just that habits. I picked it up once. I used it [00:15:00] once. Here it is again. Here it is again. And then I start to have a story that I really am a burden. And of course. And it blinds me from seeing what could be going on with the other person. 

So seeing the effect of that thought, I’m a burden in this situation.

Talking to your sister, how would you turn the thought around? Because

Client: there’s the opposite, that I’m not a burden. 

Todd: Yeah, so that’s the direct opposite. And now let’s see if we can make any sense of that, that you’re not a burden. Even when she says, she doesn’t say, oh yes, for sure bring the wheelchair, no problem. Even when she doesn’t say that, how is it possible still that you’re not a burden to her?

Client: As I [00:16:00] know my sister, as the person she is she is very kind and she very happy to help. Sometimes she’s very tired because she has grandchildren and everything, but as a person, she is she wouldn’t mind. It might be a bit strange for her to going with a wheelchair pushing a wheelchair, but now as a person, she is, she wouldn’t but still I have this feeling. Yes.

Todd: That’s when the thought comes back in. I’m a burden. So you can see it coming and going like the clouds that, sometimes the sun is there and then again the clouds come. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. So when the thought is active, I’m a burden then. Oh yeah. No, but really yeah, but keep exploring. We’re looking, we’re going into the unknown [00:17:00] here.

Yeah. Like how is it that you’re not a burden to her?

Client: I know that she is happy that I exist. We’ve been some through some years with losses in the family. And so it’s we are three sisters and, it’s very important for us that we have each other, all of us. So in that sense, I’m not a burden because when you look at it, think she’s that I exist.

Yeah.

Todd: So exist in a wheelchair or not in a wheelchair, she’s probably happy that you exist, period. I think so. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Okay. So that’s something there. Keep going. How else could it be that you’re not a burden, even though she doesn’t say enthusiastically, that she will help you?[00:18:00] 

Client: There’s something about that. What I have learned for myself and also with my daughter is that I mean it’s my daughter activity that has told me that you have to use a wheelchair because otherwise we don’t get anywhere. And, I had it with last summer on, on the family holiday.

And my daughter and I could go for a long outing because there was a wheelchair. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been possible for me to take part of it. And so I said with the wheelchair, I’m less a burden than without. Yeah, because without, I have to walk [00:19:00] slow and the others has to walk slow with me and I can’t cover much distance and yeah.

Yeah. But she hasn’t known yet. So the wheelchair, my sister hasn’t met yet. 

Todd: Hasn’t seen the wheelchair, hasn’t been with you in the wheelchair yet. 

Client: Yeah. She hasn’t really have that experience yet. 

Todd: Okay. So she doesn’t have that direct experience. But 

Client: no, 

Todd: you have already had that experience and it’s quite possible when she has the experience.

That she may also see, oh wow, this is really intelligent. 

Client: Yeah. Now 

Todd: we can go for a long outing, spend the whole day and enjoy ourselves and you can come with them. 

And you don’t have to, everyone doesn’t have to wait for you. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: I can even imagine that if you stayed home and they are going on the outing without you because you don’t have a wheelchair and you cannot [00:20:00] go.

That might even be a burden for them, that they’re unable to take you with them. 

Client: Yeah. And I’ll be a little bit grumpy because I, I wanna go, I wanna take part. 

Todd: Yeah. So you’re going to be less of a burden all the way around if you have a wheelchair. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: She just doesn’t know that yet. She hasn’t had the experience yet.

But you have, 

Client: yeah. 

Todd: So it’s possible that you will not be a burden to your sisters. That’s the turnaround we’re looking at. 

It’s possible once they understand the benefit. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: What’s another way we could find an example for this turnaround? I am not a burden. I’m not a burden to her.

Even though she didn’t give you a response [00:21:00] that was enthusiastic, how’s it still possible that you’re not a burden, even though she didn’t respond positively?

Client: I.

Shall I look into another turnaround or it is possible. 

Todd: It could be. I have a possible example. If you want to hear it, I would 

Client: love to hear it. Yes, please. 

Todd: You said something about your family did not. Speak of things like if there was something like this, that you just didn’t bring that up. If you even had something, some health issue or something, and later you found out they understood it was not spoken of, right?

But just because it’s not spoken of doesn’t necessarily mean that there isn’t [00:22:00] understanding or some in other words, when your sister, you tell your sister, you’ll be in a wheelchair. That could go in the place in her mind where we don’t speak of those things, but that doesn’t mean she thinks you’re a burden.

It’s just like a, there’s a language barrier, like a cultural, family, cultural barrier or something. 

Client: That’s true. 

Todd: So yeah. The mind can think I’m a barrier. I’m a burden to her. But it may not be actually, it just could be that she cannot say it out loud that, oh, that would be no problem. Because it’s not in her language.

Client: So you mean in that sense that the ity doesn’t have a thought about it at all herself? That sees a burden? 

Todd: It’s possible. It’s possible. But she cannot say. That you’re not a burden? I don’t know. 

Client: We don’t know. [00:23:00] 

Todd: We don’t know for sure, but we’re looking at possibilities and even the idea that she may feel limited by whatever, like family culture is there doesn’t necessarily mean that she is, thinks you’re a burden.

You said yourself, she’s a very kind person. 

Client: Yeah. It’s true. 

Todd: So it can be like a kind person wearing a mask. I’m still kind, but I still am wearing a mask. So you can’t see the kindness, but it’s there. It’s possible. That’s what we’re 

Client: thinking.

Okay. Yeah. 

Todd: Okay, so you mentioned some other turnarounds. Is there another one that comes to mind? 

Client: That’s his burden. 

Todd: She’s a burden. Okay. How could that be as true? And the purpose here is just to find the balance. You’re thinking you’re a burden. I’m a burden. I’m a burden. I’m a burden. How’s it [00:24:00] possible she is a burden to you?

In that moment. 

Client: Yeah. She is a burden to me because she doesn’t react the way that I would like her to do. Yeah. 

Todd: So literally you’re treating her the same way that you’re afraid she is going to treat you or she is treating you as a burden. 

Client: That’s true. 

Todd: And nothing wrong about it.

It’s just notice that we treat, we see each other as burdens sometimes when we don’t get it the way we want it. 

So she may want you to not have to need a wheelchair. Even you do need a wheelchair. It’s a little bit of a, it’s oh, okay, I have to rethink things a little more work. I have to think. 

And you may want her to accept that you have a wheelchair, and when she doesn’t, you feel like okay, she’s a little bit making it harder.

For me. It’s a burden. So then [00:25:00] there’s an equality there. She thinks I’m a burden, maybe. I think she’s a burden. Yeah, a little bit. So the whole thing of making each other burdens is not so serious. We both are doing it. We both, it’s like it’s what human beings do. They see each other as burdens sometimes.

Client: Yeah, that’s true.

Todd: Oh, she is a burden. 

And it also gives me direction if I want to be

like. Let me see if I can see her as not a burden. First, I’ll take down that. Let me work on seeing her as a burden and turn that around first, and then we’ll see if she still thinks I’m a burden, it may not be as stressful for me. 

What’s causing the stress here? She thinks I’m a burden or [00:26:00] I think she’s a burden for thinking I’m a burden.

Client: That’s true. If I didn’t have the thought, if I wasn’t holding myself back because of the thought, then I just ask her directly, would you mind helping me with the wheelchair? 

Todd: That’s it. 

Client: Yeah, that’s it. 

Todd: So the burden is thinking that she doesn’t like it and she thinks I’m a burden and I shouldn’t ask, and all of that.

It becomes burdensome, the whole thing. But if I do, if I get clearer and I stop seeing her as a burden and myself as a burden, then even if she does think I’m a burden, it’s not not so much of a problem. 

Because I can still ask. 

Client: That’s true. 

Todd: No one can make me feel like a burden except when I believe it.

She can think it, [00:27:00] but when I believe it, that’s when I feel it. And so she is not the problem. In a way it’s. Just when I’m taking it on, or I’m thinking, or the other way I can feel terrible is if I think she’s a burden. So either way, if I think I’m a burden 

Client: or if I think 

Todd: she’s a burden, it’s stressful.

But if she thinks I’m a burden, as long as I don’t think I’m a burden, 

Client: no problem. 

Todd: Where’s the stress? 

Client: Yeah, that’s true. 

Todd: Yeah. Or as long as I don’t think she’s a burden for thinking that. Where’s the stress? No problem. So stress only comes when I think something, when I think I’m a burden. 

Client: So another turnaround is to the self, to that I am a burden to me.

Todd: Yeah. [00:28:00] So how are you being a burden to you in this whole situation? More than is necessary. 

Client: I’m a burden to me because I have this belief and I’m stuck on this belief. So when I am in that kind of situation, the minute that I meet just the slightest, not totally openness, then I like, oh. Okay. I am a burden.

So the thoughts come, comes up very quickly. So that’s the burden to me. Exactly. Because if the thought didn’t come up and I could see through it, and I could just ask directly, what do you think? Yeah. Instead of expecting her to react what I would like her to do. 

Todd: That’s right. 

Client: Yeah, 

Todd: you’re expecting her to lead the way, but you can [00:29:00] lead the way.

But when I see myself as a burden, then I really, I feel like I’m a burden. I don’t even want to ask because I feel so bad. 

But the only burden here is my, my, my belief. I’m a burden. 

If you compare the burden of pushing, having someone push you with a wheelchair and the burden of thinking you’re a burden because they’re going to have to push you.

Which one feels like a heavier burden? 

Client: To me it’s the thought that I have is when I believe it, when I think it, that’s the burden to me. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: And of course, so you 

Todd: have two burdens here. 

Client: Yeah. And of course I can leave it up to the others to my sister or the others to say, no, this is too much for me.

I can read. So you’re 

Todd: burdening yourself with [00:30:00] their business also, you’re burdening yourself to make sure that they’re going to be happy with you. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: That’s a burden. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. And then 

Todd: burdening yourself. Yeah. With the idea that I’m a burden, like there’s a lot of weight being carried here. It’s a lot of burden.

That’s 

Client: true. 

Todd: When in reality, the only thing that needs to happen is someone to push you with a wheelchair. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: That’s probably not burdensome in reality, it’s that it’s the thinking and the emotions that make it really heavy. Burdensome. 

Client: Yeah.

Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. In fact, that was, you mentioned with the article that I wrote about my mother-in-law and the thing that is the hardest actually to deal with her. Is her thought that she’s a burden. That’s what makes it, that’s the hardest thing. Like we [00:31:00] don’t mind, we’ll do anything for her. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of her, washing her, whatever we need. It needs to be done. That’s not a problem. We came here to do that. We it. So it would be our joy to do that. But when she thinks she’s a burden. Then she won’t let us because she feels like she’s a burden. She feels guilty, she feels, doesn’t want to be a burden, and we feel like we can’t do anything.

We have now, we have, we’re carrying her mind, which is harder than her body. 

Client: I remember that. From the newsletter. Yeah. And I also actively have experienced it myself with my elder parents. My father died just a year and a half ago, so it’s not l that long time since. But yeah, that was the same thing.

I came early to help and then no. Had already done and don’t really need and so Okay. I am wasting my time.[00:32:00] 

Todd: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So it can be a gift to give someone your. Weak point and say, can you help me? 

Client: Yeah. It 

Todd: takes courage to do it, but it can be a gift. If someone is truly a kind person, they will probably say yes. And if not, that’s okay too. But there’s not a, it’s not complicated. 

Client: Yeah. So actually in that situation there I was like a bit trying to be manipulating somehow instead of just being like open and saying.

I need help. Will you help me? 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. That’s burdensome, right? Yeah. Most of us would love to push you in a wheelchair but it’s very, it’s not, it’s so enjoyable to get manipulated or to try to have you think [00:33:00] for us, what we will do. 

Client: Yeah. Sure. 

Todd: So it’s interesting to think about. Very interesting. And I love that the more I do the work, the more I am able to ask for what I want and just be direct about it. 

And you can do even some, you could write a whole judge your neighbor worksheet, for example, on this situation. Or any other related situation and you may find more thoughts that are connected here and you may find a lot to explore.

Yeah, 

Client: that’s a good idea. 

Todd: As you do, you may start to find more and more options. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: That’s what usually happens for me. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true. Great. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com [00:34:00] and go to the open sessions page there and you will see the upcoming schedule. You’ll see how to sign up and then you can join in to ask your questions or to do the work with me. I do this every week and it’s something I’ve been offering for many years.

And while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to go to the virtual retreats page. Every season winter, spring, summer and fall. We have a virtual retreat over one weekend, and it’s a way to do the work in a kind of intensive environment that you can get a lot of practice in one weekend.

In fact, we go around the clock, you obviously don’t have to participate in all of them. I don’t participate in all the sessions, but you can experience a lot of the work and a lot of support from our community. When you join us, so go to the work as meditation.com and then go to virtual retreats.[00:35:00] 

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Struggle, why We Do It, and How To Stop

Even A Powerful Tugboat Struggles When Pushing a Ship Struggle. Why We do it and How to Stop. I can hear the old adage, life is a struggle. And from one point of view, this it is true. We live in a world where survival of the fittest shapes our lives, and it is easy to conclude that life really is a struggle.

What, but what does it mean to struggle? For me, struggling means fighting a tough battle. Trying to overcome some force that is as strong or stronger than I am. It means not knowing how to succeed, but pushing on it involves effort, often futile effort, and the feeling is often one of eroding hope [00:36:00] and can include thoughts of giving up.

Here’s my experience being in business for myself. For many years I have often felt that I was struggling. I had no training in business. I had conflicting desires about making money, and I always had a good work ethic and a desire to serve. But in fact, I wanted to always do the best job that I could at every job that I worked at.

But being in business, even for the well prepared can feel like a struggle, let alone for me, the sheer quantity of things that needed to be done is overwhelming. And of course, I want to do them all well. But that’s not enough. I also have to make a profit. This is a tall order indeed, for someone who is not business-minded to begin with, how the heck do you balance all these factors?

How do you make it all work? Answering those questions has been a process of a lifetime for me, and when I get tired and overwhelmed, or when I see my efforts [00:37:00] making little effect, it does feel like a struggle. The weight of the job feels heavy in those moments, and I sometimes think what’s the use struggle is an emotional experience.

To fight hard in a battle that I may not win is not the definition of struggle, per se. For me to struggle is an internal experience more than anything. When I’m in good spirits, I see the daunting task of running a business only as a challenge. A challenge that I’m willing to face, but when I’m in poor spirits, it feels like a struggle.

The heaviest part is feeling that I won’t succeed. What would that mean about me? It would mean somehow on an emotional level that I’m a failure. It becomes a struggle to maintain the identity of not being a failure at all costs. It’s personal. This is [00:38:00] why I sometimes continue to struggle on when others who are saner might have quit a long time ago.

I have an attachment to a vision of what I’d like to do. Lofty goals can lead to struggle, right? Attachment lies at the root. Lofty goals alone are not enough to give the experience of struggling. There must also be an urgency, a need, and attachment. It. That attachment has to be there in order for the experience of struggle to come up without it.

It’s just a very challenging job, and I welcome challenges. I like them actually. I love to do big things. I like to do things I’ve never done before. I like to learn, but the moment the attachment comes back in and I think I need to get this done as soon as possible, the whole thing becomes a struggle.

Impatience replaces a love of learning and energy. Feels like a [00:39:00] limited resource. I have to get there before I run out of energy. That’s the feeling of struggle. The reason I struggle when I do is simply because I’m overly attached to getting where I want to go. I’m attached to winning. It feels heavy because I don’t know how, or even if I’ll win, how to stop struggling.

There are two ways to stop the struggle. One, of course, is to let go of big dreams, and there can be wisdom in this, and sometimes it is the wisest course of action. But a second way to stop the struggle is to simply loosen the attachment to the outcome. If I can dream big, yet hold my desire to succeed more loosely, the sense of struggle falls away, the pushing and yearning lessen.

And a calmer mind emerges suddenly I can see my business from a broader perspective. I can see the areas where my [00:40:00] approach is weakest, and I can calmly seek new ways to approach the problem. In short, I become more rational. How to loosen attachment. My favorite way to play with attachment and to find a looser hold on ideas that I’m enslaved to is the work of Byron Katie.

This simple approach of asking four questions and exploring opposites opens my mind even in the face of my most dearly held attachments. For example, in my business, I can easily question these thoughts. I need to increase my income. I want to have 300 people in Inquiry Circle. I need a more user friendly software app for Inquiry Circle.

I want to design more courses. These are dreams, and when I question my dreams, I’m careful not to trash them. Dreams are wonderful [00:41:00] ideas. They are desires worthy of pursuing. In my opinion, they’re expressions of myself, but too much attachment, even to good dreams can turn life into a struggle. When I question, I want to have 300 people in Inquiry Circle and really take my time with the inquiry.

I find some wiggle room there. Having 45 people in this amazing group is also great. Let me enjoy this group size before it grows, and if I still want it to grow, which I do, let me think rationally about how to get there without any desperation about it. That’s what doing the work does for me. It takes the urgency and desperation out.

It removes any hint of a whining tone from my inner voice, and with that gone or lessened huge jobs don’t feel so much like a struggle to me. I have the energy to take the next step [00:42:00] questioning. I can’t do it. In addition to attachments, other thoughts that cause the feeling of struggle are the thought.

Thoughts like, it’s too much for me. I’m too weak, too inept to pursue my dreams. These thoughts make a difficult situation seem impossible, but these thoughts too can be questioned. For example, I don’t have a business mind. I don’t have time to organize my business. It’s selfish to focus on earning money.

Just questioning a few of these limiting beliefs can open up new waves of seeing new waves, of seeing any pursuit. For me, questioning I don’t have a business mind is extremely refreshing and humbling. I do like to play shop, and I have since I was a kid. It’s only the story that it’s not spiritual that makes me think I shouldn’t, so I like to question both sides of my experience of struggle, my attachment to my end [00:43:00] goal.

And my limiting beliefs each reduces the stress in its own way and leaves my mind freer to use its creativity and intelligence to solve difficult problems. Where do you struggle? Do you struggle in a relationship with money, with your health, or do you struggle in trying to make friends or in doing well in school?

Stress will show you honestly where your struggle lies. If you listen and question both your attachments and your limiting beliefs, you may find yourself doing impossible things without feeling like it’s actually a struggle. And

a quote from Byron Katie’s book, question Your Thinking, change the World at once. And once you have inquiry. You can be as ambitious as you want in your job. You can [00:44:00] shoot for the moon because you can no longer fail. You realize that the worst that can happen is a concept.