Feeling Misunderstood or Disrespected? (Stress Management and Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People)

Client: [00:00:00] But I’m sitting in the, in the, in the room and it’s really a nice, it’s, I mean, we have some really world class healthcare here, but I’m sitting there waiting for test results and that’s when the, the thought hits me. They’re wasting my time. I could be home. I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad. I could be at home doing something even if I’m just sitting in front of the tv.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and then look for different ways of seeing the same situation that may be less stressful. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, a participant does the work on the thought. They’re wasting my time. If you’ve ever had a thought like this, uh, this is a great opportunity to listen along and see if you can, uh, [00:01:00] put yourself in your own situation and kind of see what kind of insights you get, uh, about your situation.

This is one that, uh, certainly applies to a lot of us. So this will be the first part of our program. We’re gonna listen to the recording of this open session and we’ll be doing, uh, listening to this piece of work. And then the second part will be, uh, reading the newsletter article called Working with Prejudice.

And, uh, so we’ve got lots to get into. Let’s dive into this program together, and what you’ll find throughout this, if you’re new to this, we’re doing a process called the Work of Byron Katie. And this is a very simple, powerful way to question what you think. So without further ado, let’s get into, uh, this.

Client: I, I have, I have just a plethora of stories, but one that keeps, there’s a central theme of [00:02:00] I, my, my time is being wasted. I. My time is being wasted. And, and, and what I’ve realized that I’m doing is I am, it’s just a real subtle form of, oh, poor dog. I’m feeling sorry for myself, is what it is. But it, it seems like that’s the central theme of, of, you know, hospitals, um, you know, this, that, the other thing is just wasting my time.

I don’t have time for this kind of thing. And maybe that’s, maybe that’s the easier thing to work on. I don’t have time for this. I dunno. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah, that’s a good one. Yeah. I don’t have time for this. And do you have a particular, uh, representative example of that kind of situation that would work for you?

Uh, 

Client: the latest one is, uh, I was just in the hospital. Um, ’cause I had, I, I, Thursday evening last week, I, I started just feeling like I was freezing to death. I’m sitting in my, right here in my 70 degree home. I had a blanket on, I had my heating pad in, in the back here on. [00:03:00] I wasn’t cold, but I was just freezing to death.

And, and, and they, they, the last time I had talked to somebody, they said, Doug, if you ever get the chills again or a fever, go to the ER immediately. And, and, and I remembered that for some reason, and I did, and ended up that they found out that I have, uh, a c diff, which is a, uh, uh, bacteria in the, in the stomach that, that’s caused from all the antibiotics that I had taken previously.

So guess what? They treat it with antibiotics. What, wait, but I’m sitting in the, in the, in the room and it’s really a nice, it’s, I mean, we have some really world class healthcare here, but I’m sitting there waiting for test results and that’s when the, the thought hits me. They’re wasting my time. I could be home.

I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad. I could be at home doing something even if I’m just sitting in front of the tv. Yeah, so, so sitting there waiting for [00:04:00] test results,

they’re wasting my time. 

Todd: Okay. So is that true? They’re wasting your time. 

Client: They are wasting my time.

Uh, now that I’ve had time to settle into that, I, you know, no, it keeps They aren’t doing it. They’re doing what they do. Hmm. They’re doing what they do. So, yeah. No.

Todd: So how do you react as you’re sitting there waiting for those test results? And this thought is. Coming up that they’re wasting your time. How do you react? 

Client: War. Absolute war. It’s me against them. They’re doing this to me. I’m the victim and, and I’m the helpless, hopeless victim. [00:05:00] There’s nothing I can do.

I’m sitting here like I’m, I feel like I’m in prison. 

Hmm in 

Client: prison that there’s absolutely nothing that I can do. Uh uh, um, um, um, I, I, I, I, I, I, in my head, I yell and scream and jump up and down at them ’cause they’re so incompetent and so, like, what are you, are you kidding me? It’s taking five days to get are what’s wrong with you?

You know, I think that they’re, I look way down at them. I look down at them and, and therefore I’m separate. I mean, they’re not here to help me. I’m not being helped. I, I’m absolutely separate and, and, and being, yeah. Being, uh, yeah, I’m in health.

Yeah. What are you kidding me? So, yeah, just conflict and, and, uh, uh, you know, I just know that they’re out to get me. It’s, it’s that old thinking of, uh, you know, there’s something, uh. I’ve done something wrong and therefore I deserve to be [00:06:00] treated badly, treated poorly. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. 

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Do you see any images from your past of like, they’re wasting my time, I,

Client: ah.

Seems like a real common theme. I, uh, the first thought that came to my mind was, uh, oh, school work. And, and I remember in, I mean, gosh, it was fourth grades, so I don’t even know, what is that? 7, 8, 9, 9 years old. Yeah, nine or 10 years old. And, and, and I, it was some kind of essay that we were supposed to write, and I’m sitting there writing underneath in this gray pencil.

No. Just, you know, and that in Yeah. Took me aside and said, I’m sick of [00:07:00] this. We we’re gonna stop doing this. Right Doug? We’re gonna, well, okay. But that was, that was because I really did feel like it was a waste of time. It was like, why are you wasting my time? Yeah. Wow. 

Todd: Interesting. Yeah. So then many years later, once again, in an institution waiting for test results.

Yes. 

Client: I didn’t put that together, but yeah. What it it, yeah. Yeah. Those people, those that power, that institu, right. That power. Yeah. Oh, wow. 

Todd: Like, no wonder it feels like prison, right? Mm-hmm. 

Client: It’s like, there it is again. Yeah. 

Todd: They’re wasting my time. And, and do you notice it in your body anywhere or, or anything else?

It’s, 

Client: it’s just tension everywhere and just, just, I mean, stomach more than anything. I think that’s, but that’s simply probably because my stomach was really upset with all the. The infection and everything else, but it just seemed like it just enhanced that like, [00:08:00] ah, not only pain, but just intense pressure.

Pain. So yeah, like being in a pressure cooker kind of thing. 

Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So imagine for a moment that you’re in there, in that, uh, waiting for the same test results and. You didn’t have any thought that they’re wasting your time, who would you be in that situation?

Client: Well, the first thing that I, I, I can breathe. I just, I just did. It’s like, yeah, I can breathe. I there. I don’t have to be so. And just, you know, holding onto this anticipation of, oh my God, what’s gonna happen? And they, they’re so inco. Just, just, and, and, and in that I can see that I am being supported every step of the way.

Not just by them, but my friends. My, you know, the, the, the, the, [00:09:00] the, the floor that I’m mocking on, the chair, that I’m sitting on everything, the entire universe is supporting me. And they’re giving, they’re giving me medicine to take care of this infection. I mean, they’re, yeah, they’re doing that part. The, the other part that we’re waiting for the test results is the bacteria that’s also now in my bloodstream, not just the c diff, but there’s something else that they don’t know what’s, yeah.

So, but I, yeah. Supported. Supported and, and, and, and, and, and even just maybe a little bit of gratitude. ’cause I found out later that this c diff is, is potentially deadly. People die from. 

Whoa. 

Client: So, so yeah, they’re saving my life. I. 

Todd: Yeah, the perspective shifts a little bit. 

Client: Big shift there. Yes. Like I get really grateful and I go, okay, you take all the sweet time you need to do what you’re doing.

’cause it’s, it’s for my benefit vet. And they, [00:10:00] yeah, I get, that’s the other thing. I see them, they’re on my side. They’re on my side without that story. Yeah. They’re, they’re on my side and they’re doing incredible things there. 

Todd: It’s funny how that thought there wasting my time obscures that like it just covers it and you can’t see it at all without, yeah.

I didn’t even notice that. It’s just like, come on, where is what? Hurry up. What’s taking so long? Yeah. Yeah. 

Client: I don’t see the competence. I don’t see their care. I don’t see their kindness. I don’t see the fact that they are saving my life. Yeah. I don’t see that at all. And, and without that story, it’s like, well, yeah.

Hello. It’s pretty obvious, pretty simple that said that, you know, they’re, they are giving me this medicine that they Yeah. And, and, and, cool. That made me feel so much better. I mean, physically so much better. So I know it was, 

Todd: hmm. So that’s the power of the thought in the equation. When you interject [00:11:00] that thought, they’re wasting my time.

When the mind gets caught on that it, it just changes the experience so much as you’ve just, uh, experienced. 

Client: It amazes me how, how my thinking, well, my thinking creates my world. That’s it. That is my world is, is my perception of it, is, is. Yeah. It’s like, wow, just blows me away. The other thing that I’ve noticed right now is when I’m inquiring it doesn’t hurt at all, whatever’s was that that thought was holding onto me.

It’s gone. I. What I’m, and when I’m, I’m either, I’m either believing that thought in other words, or I’m inquiring about that thought. I’m, I’m, I’m looking at that thought. Looking at that thought and really, really seriously being, you know, trying to see what the effects are. It doesn’t hurt anymore. That’s an interesting 

Todd: It is, it is.

I’ve experienced that too. That’s why I love to do the work, like on a regular basis. I, I love to do it every [00:12:00] day. ’cause it’s just like to dip into that, that. Experience again of like, who would I be without the thought? And to inquire, just it’s, it opens something I, I can breathe as well. So, yes. Beautiful.

Yeah. So seeing the effect of this thought on you, that they’re wasting your time and seeing what it would be without the thought, um, the difference there. What would a turnaround for this thought be? They’re wasting my time. 

Client: The first one that comes to my mind is I am wasting my time with my thinking.

Okay. Myself. I’m doing it. Doing it to myself. Yeah. Because they’re, they’re, I mean, they’re probably not even thinking about me. They’re doing their job. They’re doing, they’re taking care of this entire hospital worth of folks and Yeah. I’m just one of the many, and, and I’m the one that’s, you know, pounding myself with this thought that why are they being so incompetent?

So yeah, doing it to myself. [00:13:00] Wow. And taking that and how does seriously say that again? I was taking that very, very seriously. It’s like, yeah. They, they, they, they, they are wasting my time. It is a waste of time to be here. What are they doing this to me for? And, and being just very, very serious about, so yeah, 

Todd: without.

So how does that actually waste your time? Like how does you thinking that actually waste your time? Can you see any ways of saying that? 

Client: I could have been, uh, I, I, I, I, I brought my, my, well, my entire world’s on my iPhone, but I bought all my audio books. I bought in on that, on that phone. I’ve got, uh, Spanish lessons.

I’ve got, uh, all kinds of games, all kinds of, uh, audio books. I could have been learning more Spanish. I could have been, you know, entertaining myself with, with. You know, so yeah, I was wasting my time just sitting there stirring the pot and stewing in the [00:14:00] misery of that. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Very 

Todd: so. 

Client: Yeah, and I, and I kind of began to see that, and I started to do more of the, oh, the other one that I have on there is a lot of the, the, um, stuff that you introduced to me about the transcendental meditation, the Mji Maharishi, and, and a lot of his videos and Oh, I love those.

I mean, I get so much from them and there I was just ignoring all of that. So, yeah. 

Todd: Like a whole rich, I’m sitting in a library, right? I’m in a hospital, but I’ve got free time. I’ve got available resources. And but instead, what does my mind do? Do? It just focuses on they’re wasting my time. They’re wasting my time.

They’re wasting my time. And I. I miss 

Client: all of that. Wasting. Yeah. I miss all of it. Absolutely. I’m, I’m, again, I’m doing that to myself and that Wow, that’s a huge revelation to, to really truly notice that and to notice the examples like you’re pointing [00:15:00] out, it’s like, yeah, I could have been doing all kinds of things even though I wasn’t here in my comfortable home and, and, and such, oh, well, I mean, yeah.

The. Resources were right there. Anywhere I go with this phone, they’re right there. They’re available, which is pretty cool that we live in a time that we have this technology like that and yeah. 

Todd: True, true. Cool. Okay. So 

Client: I, I, the other one that comes to my mind is they’re saving me time. 

Todd: Okay. That’s a turnaround.

Let’s see. Can you find any One 

Client: of, one of the things that just came to me is, um, the, the food. It was there. It was, I mean it, and it was kinda like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, room service style. Anytime I wanted to eat, I just picked up the phone and said, Hey, bring me a this or that, or another thing. And so I didn’t have to prepare.

I didn’t have to go to the store. I didn’t have to do, it was like, hello, bring it right to me. And the other one, the other one even, maybe even more importantly, that they’re saving time is, again, without the treatments that they were [00:16:00] giving me, I could have easily not been on this planet anymore. Yeah. So, yeah.

Yeah. Not only saving my me time, but they’re saving my life, which is a lifetime of time. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Wow. Wow. That’s a cool turnaround. Yeah. Like how much time in, in total did you end up waiting? Do you remember it? 

Client: Well, I, I was there for actually, uh, it seemed like forever, of course, but it was, it was only like about three days.

Yeah. Three days. Okay. 

Todd: Three days. So three days versus who knows how many, uh, months and years of life that might not have been there if you, uh, had not. Wow.

Client: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. That Wow. Wow. 

Todd: They’re 

Client: saving. Really realize that it’s like, yeah. It’s not just those little things of the, you know, that they were, you know. [00:17:00] Pretty much catering to my every, uh, desire of what I wanted to eat and providing me a place. I mean, I, I was out of, out of, I’m in the shelter there and, and those rooms that the, the Huntsman are really very comfortable.

They’re not the sterile, just plain little. Block grooms. They’re, they’ve got some character. I mean, I certainly, it’s, it’s not like home, but you know, they were, they were providing, they were providing for me. So yeah, they were saving time that I didn’t have to, uh, I didn’t have to worry about any of that stuff.

Didn’t 

Todd: have 

Client: to, 

Todd: yeah. Yeah, sometimes I think I, I, uh, wanna just have time to do something at home, and then I realize by the time I’m cooking and, you know, washing and all the different things that you have to do to, to just to live under even exercising, right? But in a hospital, I don’t have to do any of that.

I, I’ve got like 24 hours available, however I wanna use it.

Client: They’re not, 

Todd: they’re giving me [00:18:00] time. I think that was the term. Yep. 

Client: Yep. They’re, they’re, well, saving me time is what I said. Saving me time. Giving me time. Saving me time. Yeah. I think giving me time is, is even, even, even clearer. ’cause that’s, 

Todd: yeah. Like they’re giving me extra time, like in addition to Right.

Not only saving. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t three days, but. It just depends how you look at it and from different perspectives. It’s not so much anymore. Yeah. 

Client: What, how, how big of a deal in my entire lifetime is three days especially. Right. Once could have been that that would be the end.

No more days, so. Right. Just a lot of gratitude there. A lot of gratitude. 

Todd: Absolute. That’s a difference. That’s a difference. So the, we’re always dealing in this work with our internal experience. And when I’m thinking they’re wasting my time, it’s a lot of aggravation. But with with this other point of view, they’re saving me time or giving me time.

It’s like gratitude starts to come in. That’s a very different [00:19:00] experience. Huge. 

Client: Huge. Yeah. Just the difference between hell and not hell. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. And 

Client: that is exactly what I kept telling people or thinking was, this is absolute hell, I’m in hell. And I, I was putting myself there 

Todd: exactly when I believe that they’re wasting my time.

Oh. Then I’m in hell when I believe I’m in hell, I’m in hell. That’s just the way it is. But when I don’t see it that way, as we started to, to look, uh, in this little piece of inquiry, like the same situation could be total, not hell. Could be actually, I. 

Client: Absolutely. Absolutely giving, yeah, giving, giving me time to do more study, to do more, you know, my reading, I love, I love my audio books and I love learning Spanish and you know, you know, all of the rest of that stuff that I just mentioned.

So yeah, had all kinds of time to do that. [00:20:00] Love it. 

Todd: And going back to that other turnaround, like, I’m wasting my time. Mm-hmm. Can you think of any, like, when you look back on all the years you’ve lived, can you find. He wasted time over the years. 

Client: Oh, sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. There. Well, in, in, when, in my younger years, I, I, uh, uh, did a lot of, of, uh, well overuse of alcohol and, uh, recreational and so I ended up in, in jail, local jail a lot and talk about, yeah, just sitting and literally, you are in jail, you are in prison, and this.

Whoa. Talk about a, you, you, you can’t do anything. You can’t do anything. So, yeah, 

Todd: I love it. Yeah. So then it puts it in perspective. Three days in a hospital waiting for tests, um, doesn’t sound quite so much. It, it balances it. Right. That’s all we’re looking for is balance. You know, it’s, it’s [00:21:00] not the same as being at home, but at the same time, it’s not the same as being in prison.

There you go. 

Client: I never thought of that. That’s, that’s a good way to, to a good perspective, to look at in the past where has that true and, and, and or where that my experience has been like that. So, yeah. Thank you for that. That’s, that’s good. And it again, kinda shifts the perspective again to see geez, you know, three days versus, I mean, the, I I think the, the last time that I, the last stretch that I did was like nine months in county jail.

I mean, it wasn’t. Wow. So that it’s like, whoa. Compared to that, this was nothing. Nothing. Right, right, 

Todd: right, right. Exactly. That really puts it in perspective. You know? It’s all what you compare it to. Oh, wow. That’s compared to being at home. This feels like a huge waste of time, but compared to. Nine months in county jail.

This feels like, uh, yeah. And they’re giving me service and everything. I can still listen to my [00:22:00] stuff. I mean, this is, 

Client: I had tv, I had the, the, you know, everything there that you don’t have in, in a jail situation. You just 

Todd: That’s right. Very interesting. Wow. All right. So, um, let’s see if there’s any other turnaround.

They’re wasting my time. 

Client: I’m wasting my time. Well, yeah, I guess we kind of did the, they’re not wasting my time by 

Todd: did that one. Yeah, they’re 

Client: giving me time. Um, one, one of the other things that kind of comes up, and I don’t know if this is a really a turnaround, but, um, it, it kind of made me look at the idea of time.

Is, is time real? I mean, is it is or is that just kind of a construct that we’ve come up with just to mark the raising and the lowering of the, the revolution around the sun? It’s just kinda a, it’s just a, it’s a mental construct. So it made me kind of think about that, of, [00:23:00] of, you know, is time even real?

Todd: Right? So, 

Client: I mean, yeah, I guess it kind of brought out a lot of, a lot of different, uh, different thoughts there. Um. But let’s see. Specifically, they’re wasting my time.

I guess, well, you know, one, one of the, one of the ones that I, I like just adding, so what, at the end of it, you know, they’re wasting my time. Mm-hmm. So what, and that we kind of, it’s like, yes. So what, what’s the big deal here? Three days a wasted time. So what? 

Todd: Good point. Really good point, right? Yeah. Okay.

Three days. 

Client: So, well, and, and, and with the benefits that came outta that Yeah. Have that three days. Absolutely. I’m, I’m, I’m grateful. Yeah. 

Todd: Some people might like travel, you know, halfway around the world to sit in a room for three days and have people stir food for them and watch tv. Good. Yeah, that’s like vacation time.

Client: No kidding. I, yeah. Yeah, [00:24:00] yeah. 

Todd: So the only other one I’m seeing is something like, um, I’m wasting their time. I don’t know if that makes any sense in this case, but could there be any. Anything on that level

Client: I am not seeing. I’m not seeing. Uh

hmm.

The only, the only thing that maybe kind of fits into that is, uh, um, there was a particular one, one of, one of the one, the one antibiotic that they were giving me, they were giving me, it was oral. It was like a liquid and it would upset my stomach [00:25:00] and, and so they gave me Tums. As well as a, a, uh, something for nausea.

And then they stopped doing that. They said, oh, that order was rescinded or, or expired, or whatever word they used. And when, when the nurse came in that second time, I got really angry at him. It’s like, why are having this? And it w well, I don’t know, it just clicked and I snapped and I mean, to apologize, but that, that certainly was wasting his time.

Okay. Listening to me whine and moan and, and, and attack. So yeah. Yeah. I can see where I was wasting his, that specific thing that I was wasting his time venting. Venting my situation. Yeah. 

Todd: It’s a great example, and again, it balances the scales a little bit. Yeah. Even if they were wasting my time, which we’ve also seen is not true, but even if they were then, uh, I was also doing it to [00:26:00] some degree back a little bit.

Like we’re, and, and maybe that’s what we all do. We waste each other’s time from time to time and maybe there’s no harm in that, but. I’m also, I’m also one here. There you go. 

Client: Good. And that, that is kind of good to see the equality of that. It’s, it is kind of a back and forth thing. It’s not just one sided.

Yeah, 

Todd: yeah, 

Client: yeah. Exactly. Wow. 

Todd: Cool. Well, I think we’ve wasted enough time on this,

Client: that that is another thing with, uh, that I love about this work is that we get to laugh. We get it. 

Todd: Yeah, my favorite. We can talk about the most serious and grim things, and it turns out to be a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. Believe it or not. Mm-hmm. That’s, this is a lot of fun because there’s just something, it’s just something that bubbles up when I’m playing with who would I be without the thought and these turnarounds, and just seeing the, the irony of, of these situations and what I was believing.

Yes. Yeah. Abs, [00:27:00] so cool. Thank you so much. 

Client: Yeah, beautiful. 

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one that we just heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then you’ll find the. Link there for open sessions, and you can see the schedule there. You can find the times in your time zone, and I encourage you not just to listen, but to actually participate in this and to join us with your questions, with your, uh, stressful thoughts and we can all, uh, experience this work, uh, together.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles and this one is called. Working with prejudice.

Prejudice keeps the mind walled into black and white boundaries. Let’s face it, prejudice is a part of the world we live in. Some people are blatant in their expression of prejudice. [00:28:00] Others try to hide it. But regardless of whether prejudice is hidden or overt, it creates stress. So this is about how do you deal with this kind of stress.

As you know, I love doing the work of Byron Katie, and this is a way to deal with any kind of stress no matter what it is, whether it’s working with prejudice or any other type of stressful situation. And so in this article, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to use the work of Byron Katie, um, when dealing with a specific type of issue with prejudice.

So, to make this a little bit interesting, or maybe slightly break it down just a little bit, um, I’ve considered three different points of view. The, the point of view of the victim of pre prejudice, the per point of view of the perpetrator of prejudice, and the point of view of being an observer of prejudice.

And all three of these perspectives can be stressful. So [00:29:00] let’s look at these one by one. First of all, as a victim of prejudice. If you experience prejudice against you, it can be humiliating and enraging, and the experience is often one of powerlessness. Uh, the unfairness of it also inflames this feeling of frustration.

When faced with a situation that feels powerless, there are two, two approaches basically, uh, to try to regain a feeling of balance. The most common approach is to try to control the situation. Um, that’s what we often do in our, in our daily life. We try to assert dominance or we try to run away. We try to control, uh, the situation in some way or another.

And this can be appropriate. You know, I don’t have to stay in an, in an, uh, prejudice type of situation. I can get out of there. Um, and sometimes speaking up can change the situation. So this approach has its merits, but sometimes these attempts, uh, to do this don’t work. And the prejudice [00:30:00] continues. So today we’re gonna talk about a second approach, which is.

Working solely on the internal experience, not so much on the actions, but on the internal experience by questioning how I see the situation. Um, basically how I see the perpetrators of this prejudice. And so that’s what I love the work of Byron Katie for. We basically write our stressful thoughts about the perpetrators on paper.

I love to use the judger neighbor worksheet as a guide. This is a perfect, uh, opportunity for this. Uh, the judger neighbor worksheet was designed to collect stressful thoughts about someone in a specific situation and to write those down so that they can be questioned. Then quietly meditatively, uh, when you’re back home safe, uh, and out of the situation.

You can begin to. Question the thoughts that you wrote down. You can first of all write the thoughts. You wouldn’t write them in the situation. [00:31:00] Come home, write those thoughts, and then question a few of those and those raw thoughts are when you get into it. Probably what’s making you feel, uh, powerless.

Things like, he hates me or she humiliated me, or I want him to include me. You know, I’m being excluded out of prejudice. Um, that thought I want him to include me is a powerful, stressful thought and she should see me as an equal again, so powerful. Um, and I need him to. Put himself in my shoes. So these are raw thoughts.

These are the thoughts that may be running in any particular specific situation where somebody is exercising prejudice against you. So if this happens to you, um, take some time, write thoughts down like this, whatever they happen to be for you, and then go through this process of questioning, [00:32:00] is it true?

You know, I, she should see me as an equal. Is it true? Or I want him to include me. Who would I be without that thought in that moment? When you take your time to do this gently, and I’m just pointing to what you can do. I’m not actually showing you how to do this here. Um, if you wanna learn how to do this, then consider taking the work one-on-one course, which I offer, or using my startup kit, uh, at the, uh, in the, at the work as meditation.com.

So. The idea is to take these stressful thoughts and to gently, quietly take your time in a meditative way to question them and to find what is really going on. And you may find as you do this. That your suffering depends actually more on how you see the perpetrators and yourself, um, than on they on how they see you or what they actually do.

So only you can discover this, [00:33:00] and I encourage you to make the time to go through this process. Okay, so the next perspective is when you’re the perpetrator of prejudice. And if you think you’re not a perpetrator of prejudice. Think again, I would say that all of us have prejudices. It’s built into our cultures, it’s built into our families.

It’s built into the ways we think and see the world. So none of us like to think of ourselves as perpetrators, but we all are at various times, and it takes humility to look at ourselves in this way. But if you do it gently and with compassion for yourself, it can be very liberating, very liberating.

What will tell you when you’re acting from a place of prejudice, it’s always the same thing. Stress. If you’re judging somebody, putting someone down, excluding, using prejudice in some way, you will feel it. [00:34:00] You may not notice it at first, but if you pay attention. Any kind of hurtful action that you take is coming from a place of stress, and you will feel it if you look so, you may not think this way at first, but if you feel the stress, just notice what you’re thinking.

Someone may be annoying you or threatening you. Take a look, you know. What’s going on? What are you actually thinking? And then write down your judgment about whomever it is that is causing this feeling of stress. Use the judge your neighbor worksheet again to write out. Uh. Your thoughts about the person that you’re prejudiced against and write in a completely uncensored way.

I want you to just get honest. This takes real humility, but if you can be really honest in the way that you write, then you’re gonna be dealing with the actual thoughts that are running, uh, in your brain that are causing this prejudice to happen and the stress around it. So it might be something like, I’m angry with her because she [00:35:00] threatens my manhood.

Now, I may not want to admit that I have that thought, but if that, if I’m really look at the situation, that may actually be what the thought is. So let me write it down uncensored and, and then I have a chance to actually look at that and questioned it. You know, I want her to let me be boss. You know, this is, this is a prejudiced kind of thought, and so.

Again, it takes humility to even admit that I would think that, but if I have it, let me write it down. She should aspire to a different role. You know, this is, I’m kind of writing a little judge your neighbor worksheet here, and uh, as you can see, this is like embarrassing. I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I even think this way.

I don’t even want myself to know that I think this way. Um, but writing a worksheet is like coming out of denial and it’s a very important step to. Starting to end the prejudice that may be running almost unconsciously in each of us. So [00:36:00] another example in a, in a, uh, judge or neighbor worksheet format would be, I’m angry at them because they’re taking over our country.

Typical kind of prejudice type of statement. I want them to go back home. They should respect our way of life. These kind of thoughts, uh, are, are stressful when you look at it and all of them can be questioned. So if you open your mind, first of all to admit that you have such thoughts, and then if you take time to question them slowly and meditatively using the four questions and turnarounds of the work, um, then it can open many internal doors.

And what I find is that fear and insecurity often diminish when thoughts like this are questioned. So it’s worth the kind of. Inertia that you may feel to get over that, to, to actually question these and see what’s on the other side. So the third scenario is when you’re an observer of [00:37:00] prejudice, and this last way, uh, that prejudice comes up can also be worked.

And this, the stressful experience can be just as intense when you’re observing prejudice as when you’re experiencing it directly. So how can you do the work when you’re observing it? One way is to notice which side you’re taking as you observe. As you know, are you siding with the victim here? Are you siding with the perpetrator?

Just notice. Once you see this, then you can use basically the same approaches as I just mentioned about, uh, when you’re the perpetrator, how to work that, or when you’re the victim, how to work that. If you identify with the victim here, then write your worksheet on the perpetrator or vice versa. If you identify with the perpetrator, write a worksheet on the victim from that point of view.

And if it feels right, be the person that you identify with as you write your thoughts. Like write it from the [00:38:00] first person present. Like write. Write as if you’re in that situation because you are in that situation and you’re you. You may be identifying there, so write it as if you’re there. It’s an exercise.

Another way to approach this, uh, also is to write from the point of view of the third party observer, which of course you are as well. So for example, he shouldn’t be so prejudiced. He’s a terrible person. I want someone to shut him down. Like those kind of attacking thoughts on, uh, maybe the perpetrator in this case.

Can be questioned because those thoughts too are violent and I, when I think them, I also have that experience of violence inside of me, that stress inside of me. And when I question them, who knows? You may start to see things from a more open point of view. So then you’ll of course question these thoughts.

And, uh, if you were in touch with the stress as you wrote, then whatever [00:39:00] thoughts you wrote down when questioned will show you the way back to peace for you. This is the beauty of the work. Your stressful thoughts, whatever they may be, will help you find your balance through inquiry. It’s very specific, you know, what are, what are my thoughts in this moment?

And then when I work them and turn them around, they give me my. Balance my medicine in that moment. Um, so of course, listening to other people do the work is valuable too, but what’s most valuable is listening to my own stressful thoughts, writing them down, and then questioning them and finding what, um, what is needed for my own balance.

And if you need help with this, um, I invite you to work with me privately. I have private sessions available and I’m happy to hold you as you explore any topic including this charge, topic of prejudice. So you can sign up for private sessions at the work as meditation.com and I’ll end this with a, uh. [00:40:00] A quote from Byron Kay from her book, loving What is, and she says, if I’m mentally in your business or in God’s business, the effect is separation.

And that’s what I think of prejudice as being, it’s like separation. I, I keep you separate for me. And there’s fear there and there’s, uh, stress there. And what I really want is to, to join. And that’s, that’s my nature. So when I question my stressful thoughts, the possibility of joining, uh, increases dramatically.