From Performance Pressure to Inner Peace: A Live Inner Work Session

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how one simple thought can create performance anxiety in highly sensitive people, and how questioning it can lead to real inner peace.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People. A podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm. Eliminate stress and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it. I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover what really drives performance anxiety in highly sensitive people. The hidden fear behind the thought. I have to get it right, and a powerful example of how the work of Byron Katie can dissolve [00:01:00] stress in just a few questions. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions and stressful situations and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did. So what is the stressful situation for you?

Client: Well, it’s a situation in the future.

Um, so I will be doing mm-hmm, a facilitation and there will be 15 people who are looking, uh, who are, who will be watching me doing the facilitation, uh, um, with another participant of, uh, the course. And, um, yeah, I feel a little bit, um, I, I have this, you know, I want to do it right. Um, I know I need them to say, oh, that was [00:02:00] awesome.

Um. I need them to think of me as a good facilitator. I don’t want to miss the heart of it. So that’s also a very, I’ve written some things down. Um, so yeah, because I, I really don’t know what the client or the participant will bring up and, um. I don’t want to miss the heart of it. So not that all the other 15 are thinking, oh, why is she taking this?

Why is she not saying this? Or why is she not getting what really the point is? And, um, so I feel a little bit, uh, anxious and I’m not so very good at being watched. So, um, yeah, it, it, it feels a little bit uncomfortable for me. Uh. So that that’s the situation. Yeah. Yeah. [00:03:00]

Todd: Okay, great. Well this is, uh, certainly relatable and um, and you’ve given already a number of different thoughts that we could question, you know, I wanna do it right.

I need ’em to think me as a good facilitator. I don’t wanna miss the heart of it. All of those things. And there, and are more that you said. So, um. As you think about it, and maybe you already did find one, what thought would you like to question specifically?

Client: It’s between, I need them to say, wow, that was awesome, because I really like to receive their approval, uh, their appreciation. Uh, that’s, uh, yeah, that’s the thing. Uh, so yeah, that’s also, I want to do it right, um, so that I will get positive feedback and not, uh, yeah. Um, and also I don’t want to miss the heart of [00:04:00] it because when I don’t miss the heart of it, it’ll, it’ll go, um, yeah, it will, it will give some.

Shift maybe for the clients or So then I, I am doing it right, so I don’t know which one to pick. Um,

I think

Todd: we better get to the heart of it. Yeah. I think, I

Client: think we, I think I don’t want to miss the heart of it. We, yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Oh, I wasn’t saying that was the one you should question, but I was just saying be

Client: Yeah. Because you

Todd: better choose the right one right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Client: So it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s got, it’s, it’s a kind of pattern, you know, that also when I have written a lot of mm-hmm.

One liners, I really want to pick the one that will ha give the results. That, so it’s, it’s, it’s also trying to achieve something. [00:05:00] Uh, trying to get something out of it. Mm-hmm. To, to just, I want, I want to, yeah. So there, there are a lot of thoughts related to this and, um, yeah, it’s, yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So shall we question that one? Yeah. You don’t wanna miss the heart of it.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Okay. Let’s do it. So be in that future situation when you’re facilitating in front of 15 people and you’re, you don’t wanna miss the heart of it. Is it true?

Client: Yeah, it’s true.

Can you

Todd: absolutely know it’s true [00:06:00] that in front of 15 people, you don’t wanna miss the heart of it.

Client: I, I, yeah, I get a yes. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Okay, so how do you react? What happens when you have this thought floating around in your mind that you don’t wanna miss the heart of it, and you’re planning to facilitate in front of 15 people?

Client: Oh, I feel that I can make a mistake every moment. That every moment counts, that it’s very important to listen to. All the little details, um, because when I [00:07:00] maybe miss one slight little sentence, it could be the heart of it. Um, I’m also feeling a little bit insecure about the English because some of them speak with a kind of accent.

Um, and I. I don’t want to miss the heart of it because I don’t understand it, um, clearly enough. So the language, um, yeah, begins to be a kind of, um, obstacle in my mind. Um.

I don’t want to miss the heart of it.

Yeah. I don’t feel, I don’t feel relaxed. [00:08:00] I, I, I feel my, my, my shoulders are very high, very tense. Um, I, I think that. It, it really needs to be quiet around me. Um, I hope that the neighbors will not make any noise because when I will miss this tiny little thing, then I can maybe miss the heart of it. So it’s very stressful.

I’m not relaxed at all. Um.

Yeah, there’s a lot of tension in my body. My, my, my, um, breathing is very high. My voice is also, I, I hear it’s, it’s, it’s not my [00:09:00] normal voice. It’s kind of stressy voice. I don’t really like it. Um.

I also see all the other faces, and maybe they will do a kind of screen with only two faces. Me and the, the, the client that will help me to get a little bit more distant of, um, of all the other 15, uh, watchers. Um.

Because I, I imagine that they, that they will certainly judge me. Um, they will certainly think, oh, I will do it very differently. Uh, and all, all the thoughts that I think they think about me make me very [00:10:00] insecure. Mm-hmm. Um.

While when I’m facilitating someone just one on one and nobody’s watching it, it, it, it, it just flows. And now I don’t feel any flow. I feel that I have to perform. I have to, I think I, I need to do it right. I want to do it right.

And I see also clearly that I’m totally not in my business. I am over there focusing on what they might think or will think or maybe say afterwards. Um, I’m not in a moment at all Also.[00:11:00]

Yeah. And, and I can see also that normally I really like facilitating. I, I like to listen to, to the clients and, um, now I am not having fun at all. It’s like I do an exam and it’s very serious. Yeah.

I also think that I need to be better than all of them, and I don’t like this thought about myself. Mm-hmm. Yeah.[00:12:00]

Yeah. In a way there’s also something like, um, I want not, I want to be the best, but I want, I want not to be lesser than they are. I want to, to show them that I am on the right track of being a good facilitator and, uh.

Yeah, I have something to prove. Um, mm Yeah. To them and also to myself. Um, but also to them and also to the one who was leading the course. Um, yeah, I, I want him to be proud of me, to prove of me. Yeah.[00:13:00]

So

Todd: who would you be without the thought that you don’t want to miss the heart of it as you’re planning for doing this facilitation in front of 15 people?

Client: Yeah. Um, I.

I see that I am

doing the best I can, that I can learn that I am in this course to learn, to learn to be a more skilled facilitator. I see that I am, I feel. In my body that I am more relaxed. There’s still some tension because yeah, for 15 people, um, I’ve never done, never done that before. Um, so yeah, there are [00:14:00] still some thoughts of, uh, like what will they think of me?

And, but it, it, it’s more on the background. So when I was. With the thought, I was believing it. They were very close to me and they were all, they were all around me and looking at me and, and now I, I am just, I’m just me. I’m sitting there with the client, I’m listening. I know that I am a good listener. I know that I can use my sensitivity for doing this facilitation.

I can use my intuition not to lead, uh, not to give any direction, but to hold the space for them and maybe to ask a question that will help them, um, getting more clear what’s there to see for them. [00:15:00] I am, I am actually having fun, uh, and. I’m also looking forward to the feedback afterwards. Um, I, I see that I am in a process, I’m learning and they are there to help me, um, to support me,

and I don’t think they are. It’s funny because now without the thought, I.

I see them as supportive and, um, kind and gentle. And with the, with the thought, I, I see them really as a judge, uh, 15 people in the, in the judge, uh, as judges [00:16:00] to judge me and to, yeah. And without the thought I.

I feel comfortable. I’m okay.

I like it actually. Yeah. To learn to be a better facilitator. Yeah. To grow, to see it and uh, I see it really as an opportunity to, to grow, to learn. Yeah.

Even when I don’t get to the heart of it, um, it’s no problem because it’s not a facilitation for the for, for the participant. For the other participant who plays the client, who plays a role of the client to get really something out of it. It’s me getting something out of it. It’s [00:17:00] not in this situation, it’s not.

The other person who, who pays me to get any anything or, you know, we are all to learn. And, um, so if, if she gets something or he gets something out of it, it’s, it’s a nice extra, um.

But I can see that I am there for myself and not for them.

That’s very interesting.

Yeah.

Without the salt, I’m really looking forward, so would you ready to, yeah.

Todd: Hmm mm-hmm. Amazing how that thought changes everything. [00:18:00] Oh yeah. Right. And suddenly there’s so much pressure. I don’t wanna miss the heart of it. And without the thought, you’re actually looking forward to it. Yeah. Yeah. One thought. Oh yeah.

So turn the thought around. I don’t want to miss the heart of it.

Client: Yeah, I want to miss the heart of it.

Todd: Okay. Sounds crazy. Yeah. It sounds be a good thing.

Client: It sounds crazy. Oh yeah. It’s like, yeah, it’ll be difficult. Um, I want to miss the heart of it. Mm-hmm. Um,

Todd: we’re just.

Client: Yeah, it’s, it’s not this facilitation, it’s not about,[00:19:00]

it’s not about the heart of it. Uh, finding the heart of it, of missing the heart of it, of the, the, the story of the, of the client in, in this case, um.

And maybe by missing the heart of it, I can relearn something.

Mm-hmm. Because when I am not, when I’m really not conscious about the heart of it, I will not see it. And maybe one of the other 15 I.

I haven’t missed it or, um, so that will be a good opportunity for me to learn.[00:20:00]

Todd: I like that perspective. ’cause it’s not just all on you, it’s more like there’s this group, um, there’s the client themselves, which they’re going to find what they find, and then there’s this whole group on top of it and you’re just facilitating as opposed to being the doctor or teacher or something like

Client: that.

Yeah.

Todd: So I do wanna miss the heart of it. I want to miss the heart of it. Like, even though it’s a very contradictory statement, and it seems like I said crazy, we’re looking for balance. Like how in case you miss the heart of it, how that could be really a good thing.

Client: Yeah, to [00:21:00] also be okay with not finding the heart of it, um, not thinking that the facilitation has no value or that I have not done the right thing.

Uh.

Todd: So how does the facilitation have value, even if you missed the heart of it, or even if the client doesn’t see, find anything amazing.

Client: Can you repeat your question again? If you’ll still remember how you asked me? Um,

Todd: just how, how is it a good thing? How could it be a good thing, [00:22:00] even if the client is not getting anything and you’re not making any amazing insights and it’s just, um,

Client: yeah.

Todd: Kind of flat, like, uh, how’s that? How could that be?

Okay. How could that be good? For the client or for you, or for everyone watching.

Client: What comes to mind for that? It would be okay for me is.

That I worked my way [00:23:00] through the facilitation in a way that I was able to do in this moment with 15 people watching.

Um,

it’s, it’s, it’s like, um.

Yeah. Feeling, feeling okay with myself, um,

instead of burning myself down like I, I used to do. Um.

Maybe also being proud of myself for having done that. Um.[00:24:00]

Todd: How was finding? I was not finding some insight or relief as good as finding it.[00:25:00]

Client: That’s, uh, that’s a challenging one. Um,

Todd: yeah. It gets to the heart of it. Yeah.

Yeah. The heart of it here is I need it to be good. Right. I need it to be awesome. Yeah. And, and yeah. So. What can it teach you if you miss the heart of it by chance?[00:26:00]

How can it be good for you? You know, like it’s like with anything you learn that, that

Client: it doesn’t always have to give a result or maybe not a result in this moment, and we will never know what the result will be. Tomorrow or an hour later, or maybe, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Todd: We get so results oriented in our minds. We think, oh, I have to get a result. I have to get something. It has to go somewhere. It has to transform something, you know? And. Look at the pressure that it puts on the whole facilitation. And what if, like just not getting [00:27:00] anywhere was what was needed.

What, who am I to know what’s needed? Um, and I’m thinking about, about situations with myself and with clients where, you know. I just wasn’t ready to open into something I wasn’t ready to, to expand beyond where I was, and I needed to stay in the safety of where I am. And so missing the heart of it is allowing me to move at my own pace rather than having to be.

You know, broken open before I’m ready for it, which might make me close back down even harder because I wasn’t ready. So missing the heart of it could be exactly what is needed in that case.[00:28:00]

Client: Yeah. Interesting. Thank you.

And it is like that we are so result orientated and we want this if we do the work. I mean, if I do the work, you’re longing for the shift in yourself and you also want to, to, to, to give this opportunity to the clients. But it’s, it’s like you say, and that what resonates also for me. I’m not the only one responsible for the re I am, I am, I am not responsible for the result.

It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s, I think it’s this, you know, I, I take this responsibility on my shoulder while it’s not with me. I mean, I’m only there to listen and to ask the questions and maybe ask a good sub-question that leads them to a deeper, uh, meditation and, um, yeah.[00:29:00]

Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. That’s really what facilitation is. Yeah. Just holding the space.

Client: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Well, thank you.

Client: Yeah, thank you. I’m looking forward to it, and it’s in two days, so,

Todd: okay. Excellent. Yeah.

Client: Thank you all of you.

Todd: In this episode, we looked at what really drives performance anxiety in highly sensitive people, and we saw that it has to do with focusing on results and wanting people to approve and wanting to do the right thing to go to the heart of it, to get the nugget.

And then, and then everything’s gonna be great. So even though this is a great thing when it happens, it’s not something we can always control. So that drives the anxiety, um, in an already [00:30:00] anxious situation where people are observing us. We also looked at the hidden fear behind the thought, I have to get it right.

And we saw that there was this, this, um, worry of being disapproved like I, that uh, she said that she didn’t want them to. Uh, dislike her, or, you know, she didn’t want to be, um, less than they were. And this fear, um, just amplifies the whole thing and puts a lot of pressure on this idea that, that I don’t wanna miss the heart of it because that’s my ticket out of here.

And so if this fear, which could be a whole nother piece of work. Was questioned, it would become even less stressful. You know, like I need to be, uh, I need to not be less than them. I need them to see me as as good as them, or [00:31:00] even better, that could be questioned as well. And it could layer, take another layer off of this whole stressful situation.

And finally we looked at, um, how. The work of Byron Katie can dissolve stress in just a few questions. And this is just questioning one thought there. As we just have seen, there were several different thoughts and each of these can be questioned depending on how much charge was still there. And this process just peels the onion one layer at a time, allowing for more and more peace and more and more.

Connectedness with yourself and with the people that you’re with in what would’ve been a stressful situation. Always the thought that gets in the way of us being relaxed and being ourselves. So thanks for listening. It’s always, uh, great to share this with you and I appreciate you being here and we’ll [00:32:00] keep sending.

New episodes out for you to enjoy. And in the meantime, have a great rest of your day