How a Highly Sensitive Person Can Release Inferiority and Social Comparison Through Inner Work

Client: [00:00:00] We were just sitting around eating and, uh, it’s just, um, everybody’s like, has her, their, her their attention on her and she’s, um, uh, very effervescent and bubbly and, uh, you know.

And I just feel when I’m there that I feel really, uh, ignored and, um, inadequate and, um, 

Todd: inferior. Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And I love using the work of Byron Katie, which I’ve been doing for. Many, many years as a way to question these thoughts and start looking at stressful situations and seeing the.

Opposite that is often [00:01:00] truer and is often more peaceful. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, a participant does the work on a social situation where she was feeling inferior, um, other person was getting center stage, was very effervescent and um, she was feeling like she wasn’t loved. This is a great kind of social situation that can come up, um, for many of us, and you’ll get to listen as we, uh, go through the open session and you’ll get to hear her doing her work, uh, on this topic.

After that, I’ll read my newsletter article, uh, inferior Already Complex as a Temple Bell, and throughout the whole thing we’ll be talking about the work of Byron Katie. This is just a simple. Powerful way to question what you think. So let’s start with the open session. And I like to. Uh, share the unedited [00:02:00] versions of the recordings for these so that you can experience what it’s like to do the work in real life.

What would like to work on? Do you have a situation? Yeah, I have a worksheet. Or where are you at? I 

Client: do, I have a worksheet that I’ve done and, uh, it’s looks like, um, I start off with a, um, judge your neighbor worksheet. Is that correct? Am I. Stressful. That’s a great to situation. I have the 

Todd: judge, your neighbor worksheet is a way to identify stressful thoughts in a particular situation.

And I use that almost more than any other way of identifying the stressful thoughts before I go through and, and, uh, question what I think. So it’s a great way to, to do it. 

Client: Okay. 

Todd: So what’s your, what’s the situation that you’re writing about? 

Client: Okay. Um, uh, the situation is, um. Uh, there, uh, um, this situation brings up [00:03:00] a lot of, um, experiences that I have with different people when they act this way.

And, uh, this person, um, that really, uh, um. This really appears when I’m around this person. And, uh, what she, um, she’s um, uh, very, uh, um, she likes to act. I, my judgment is that she likes to act like she’s the center of, of attention and, uh, everybody gives it to her. And she’s very effervescent and she used to be a cheerleader, and so I think she’s still a wannabe cheerleader.

I’m just being really negative right now. So, um, um, and it’s, uh, yeah, she just, um, um, she’s just, uh, [00:04:00] always thinks that she’s center stage and, um, people give it to her too. She doesn’t have to work at it. And, uh. 

Todd: Was there a particular moment in mind that you were, that brought it up recently for you or that, um, that you’re thinking about as you’re writing this?

Client: Um,

yeah. We, uh, were on a trip together and, um, um, we were just hanging out. It was kind of the end of the trip that we, we took, uh, there were six of us and, uh. We were just sitting around eating and, uh, it’s just, um, everybody’s like, has her, their, her their attention on her and she’s, um, uh, very effervescent and bubbly and uh, um, [00:05:00] and I just feel when I’m there that I feel really, uh, ignored and um, inadequate.

Um, inferior and I get tired of feeling like that when anybody, uh, any kinda group or people or situation I’m in. And I just have this jealousy that, uh, just jealous of, um, that I just feel like I’m not fun and I’m not effervescent and, uh, I feel like I’m missing out a lot on life because. I’m not. 

Todd: Got it.

Okay. So what did you write on your worksheet? What were the actual things you filled in? 

Client: Um, so I wrote, I, I despise Linda because she gets all the attention and adoration [00:06:00] that is. And um, so in my judge, my neighbor worksheet. I am, you know, filling in the blank on that. Uh, I am enraged with Linda because she makes me feel inferior.

Todd: Okay, great. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so there’s obviously a lot more on that worksheet, but let’s just start with that first one. ’cause you’ve described it, um, really well. So. Hold the situation where you’re sitting around after this, you know, on this trip, sitting around, hanging out, eating, and, um, everyone has their attention on her and she’s just effervescent all like, like you described.

Right. So in that situation, she makes you feel inferior. Is that true?[00:07:00] 

Yes.

Okay. And can you absolutely know it’s true. She makes you feel inferior?

No.

So how do you react in that situation when you’re there hanging out with them, what happens to you? I. When you think that she’s making you feel inferior, 

Client: I, um, become withdrawn. I get quiet. Uh, I, um, become invisible.

I get, I feel, um, my body gets stiff. I’m awkward and my jaw gets stiff.[00:08:00] 

Todd: I want to leave.

Yeah, 

Client: I just wanna tell her to shut up and just step back and let other people, um, speak up and be, you know, share too, instead of always wanting to sit in the middle and be the center of stage. So I wanna tell her just to,

to, um, I guess that would be one of my shoulds, but that she should just, um, be respectful and, uh, create a inclusive group, um, where we’re all contributing and not just, uh, her 

Todd: all the time.

So how do you treat [00:09:00] yourself when you think she makes you feel inferior? Um,

I, 

Client: uh, how I treat myself when I feel inferior, uh, is that I tend to, uh, avoid others. Uh, I feel like a victim. I feel like I’m being picked on that life’s not fair. I feel like a 4-year-old. And, 

Todd: um,

I take myself too seriously in life too. 

Client: Seriously. Uh, and I think that I. Others should be the same way.

I just laugh because I know that it sounds absurd, but, uh, that’s, I get myself into this whenever I’m in this situation. [00:10:00] Not just this situation, but when similar, but different. And so I also hand over my power to others so that I do feel inferior and stupid and, and inadequate. Pretty loaded. And, uh, I also, uh, when I’m not around, uh, folks, I tend to, um, become critical of them, uh, so that I feel more, uh, capable or, or, um, um, so I don’t feel as bad.

So I feel like I got something on them and then I feel terrible later afterwards. Reaction? 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Totally. So we’re seeing how you react, you know, like we started in that situation and it kind of broadened out from there. But, but when you’re believing that she makes you feel inferior, you [00:11:00] react towards her as you’ve described and towards yourself.

Um, both. 

Client: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: And. Images do you see from the past when you think she makes you feel inferior, either with her or with others? 

Client: Um, I see the image I come up with is, um, uh, as a 4-year-old, uh, with, um, there’s four siblings, uh, four of us kids, and I’m the youngest one. Five, uh, within five years apart. So we were pretty closely and I, uh, I can see myself all of this happening around me, and I’m the one kind of over here, uh, being ignored and, uh, getting no attention.

That’s kind of where I kind of go back, go to 

Todd: notice when you’re, back, when you’re sitting eating [00:12:00] with your. Friends on this trip and everyone has their attention on her. How that past image kind of, it may not be even like super clear, but there’s a flavor of that that’s, that shows up in this present situation and brings with it all the emotions that you described.

Client: Yeah, I’m tired of it. 

Todd: So this is, yeah. So this is reaction, right? That that, yeah. That shows up when I’m in a situation like that. Like, oh, here we go again. Right? That’s, that’s past images showing up. The, again, is like, oh, I’ve been down this road before and, and then it goes on auto autopilot. So this is reaction.

Reaction. And then, um. [00:13:00] Do you see any images in the future, like, like around her or others when you think she’s making you feel inferior in that moment?

Client: Uh, do I see, I’m sorry. Can you repeat that first part? 

Todd: Yeah. Do you see any images in the future, like future images, um, when you think she makes you feel inferior? 

Client: Yeah. Um. Um, it’s pretty much the same where I just, my image would be that I got my arms crossed and my eyes are glaring at this person. Uh, and, um, tapping my foot and, uh, just wanting to, um, avoid wanting just to stay at home and not deal with any of that.

Stressful situation, [00:14:00] uh, anywhere can happen at the gym. You know, somebody there is Miss bubbly or same thing. It just a blows me away. 

Todd: Yep.

Client: And, um, 

Todd: okay. 

Client: Yeah, I tend to, uh, I also have a image of not um. Uh, I glaring at her. I wanted to do time out, uh, wanting just to leave. Basically, I don’t need to deal 

Todd: with it.

So going back to that situation, sitting eating and everyone’s got their attention on her and she is effervescent as usual. Who would you be in that same situation if you didn’t have the thought that she makes you feel inferior?

Client: [00:15:00] Um, I would, uh, be, um, open and friendly

with her and I would, uh. Joined in on the, the, uh, laughter and the jokes, um, with sincerity 

Todd: and, um,

and I would be, 

Client: um, um, more involved and engaged and, um, happy to be there. And, um. I would feel comfortable with myself and, um,

Todd: happy 

Client: and um,

Todd: yeah, 

Client: I dunno if I said relaxed, but I’d be relaxed and [00:16:00] enjoying the moment.

Todd: Interesting. Right, because the only thing we’ve changed in this hypothetical scenario is that. If you didn’t have the thought. I know she’s still just as eff effervescent, she’s, everyone still has her attention. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. So 

Todd: what we’re seeing is how that thought makes Yeah. A difference. Like if I think she makes me feel inferior, I go into all that reaction.

If I don’t have that thought, I’m more relaxed. 

Client: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: So this is the power of a thought. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. It’s pretty powerful. Can 

Todd: change the experience, can be pretty 

Client: powerful. 

Todd: Dramatically. 

Client: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah, seeing it. 

Todd: So how would you turn this thought around? She makes me feel inferior. 

Client: I make myself feel inferior.

Todd: Okay. Okay. So how could that be as true in this [00:17:00] situation as her making you feel inferior? How could that be as much what’s going on as anything else? 

Client: Because I’m the one that’s controlling how I react. Uh, if I’m glare in my eyes or crossing my chest or, uh, becoming quiet and, um, avoiding, avoiding, I’m doing it myself.

She is not saying, now I want you to, you know, do this and cross your arms and glare at me. You’re not doing it enough. You know, I mean, it’s me that’s doing it. So, um, yeah. And, um. 

Todd: So I make me feel inferior. How do you do, how do you make yourself feel inferior? How are you doing that if you’re aware of it?

Um,

by, um, 

Client: I was thinking that I answered that, but, um, 

Todd: and you may have. Yeah. 

Client: Um. [00:18:00] By handing how I make myself feel inferior by handing my power over to some the situation, uh, by believing it. Mm-hmm. Um, by believing this thought, by buying into it, uh, 

Todd: um,

yeah. And, and, 

Client: uh, I mentioned, 

Todd: um, I think you said like, 

Client: yeah. And, um, by thinking that if I’m not the center of attention, that uh, I am, uh, fearful of being unloved and invisible.

Todd: Yeah. So you make the center of attention mean something like she’s the center of attention means that. People love her. I’m not the center of attention means people don’t love me. It’s like [00:19:00] you Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: You somehow equate center stage, uh, with being loved or something. Yeah. Being, being, 

Client: yeah. I think that’s micd.

I could kind of put myself back to four years old and all the activity at the house and I could just see that I didn’t feel, you know, um, I didn’t feel loved because, I mean, I saw others. The adoration in that, uh, from my parents. 

Todd: Right? So I make myself feel inferior when I see it this way. 

Client: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: And that itself is a concept, right?

It can be questioned as well. Being center stage means people, people love you. If you’re not in standard stage, those people don’t love you. Yeah. Like those could be underlying beliefs that could be questioned as well. Okay. Connected to the same topic. Alright, [00:20:00] so this is just a taste of how, like, how the turnaround is pointing to something that could be just as much true, maybe truer, that I make myself feel inferior in that situation.

That’s good to see because if that’s indeed the case, it means that I may have more choice in the matter than I think, right? Mm-hmm.

That’s that little bit of wiggle room, right? Like, okay, she is probably not gonna change. She’s probably not gonna stop being effervescent and all of that center stage, but how I see it. Can make a big difference in whether I feel inferior or not. 

Client: Yeah. Loved or not. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. Loved or not. Right. Okay. What’s another challenge?

She makes me feel inferior.[00:21:00] 

Um.

Um, 

Client: she makes me feel inferior. I don’t know if I have that one. I have, she does not make me feel inferior. 

Todd: That would be a turnaround. Yeah. So I was just stating the original statement. Oh, I’m, she makes, I’m, me feel inferior. Okay. But then just as a reference, so an opposite would be, she doesn’t make me feel inferior.

Client: Yeah. Okay. I, I get it. Thank you. Um, okay. She, how could that be as 

Todd: true? But she doesn’t make you feel inferior. 

Client: Um. What I wrote about, and uh, maybe it’s not the, you know, there could also be other things, but I was just thinking of the times when, uh, I’m doing things with [00:22:00] her and, uh, uh, we’re laughing. Uh, we’re on Lake Sicu and we’re kind of, uh, sitting in the air mattress, on the air mat, laying on the air mattresses on a nice hot summer day, and we’re just laughing and telling jokes and having a good time.

So I didn’t feel inferior. Or she didn’t make me feel inferior, probably because it was just her and I and nobody else, you know? Uh, I was center stage and so I then I felt like I was loved because, um, yeah, I was center stage. 

Todd: Interesting. 

Client: I know. 

Todd: Yeah. So she, it’s also a really good reference though, you know, like from her side.

When you’re alone with her, she’s not making you feel inferior. You don’t No, not at all. Feel inferior. Yeah. Um, right. So 

Client: Uhhuh, 

Todd: it could be that she has the same attitude [00:23:00] towards you in the group that she has in one-on-one. But you may not see it because the support comes in. Oh, no, she’s got some stage.

She don’t so feel inferior. So it’s possible that she doesn’t, her mindset hasn’t changed at all about you. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. I, I could see that. We don’t know. Yeah, we don’t know. But I think, um, some of it also, it’s possible also is, uh, I’m, I am very, um, again, it goes to the center stage thing. And, um, being jealous because other people are getting, um, are getting the attention and not myself.

So, um, yeah,

Todd: exactly. Like it goes back to that first turnaround. I make myself feel inferior when I’m not on center stage, but there could be a kind of a living [00:24:00] turnaround. Something you could do 

Client: is to. 

Todd: Even in a group, and so, and she’s getting all the attention. It could be, I could make myself feel, I, I could basically put myself on center stage in my own mind.

Like I could be on center stage. Yeah. Even if she’s on center stage there, like, so I could always be on center stage in a way, and then I could 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Enjoy the benefits of that. 

Client: Yeah, I like that because when I. Try to be center stage thinking, I need to put myself out there. It falls flat and people don’t act like I’m still invisible.

And it’s just really like, God, I just, no matter how hard I am, I, I’m not going to be center stage. And I really like that. Um, by, um, yeah, make myself center stage. I’m not sure exactly how to do that. I, uh, just doing the [00:25:00] turn, um, of those, um, uh, living turnarounds and um. I’m pondering on the assignment that we have on, on what I could do.

’cause it’s real easy for me to go immediately. My pattern has been to go, uh, to the victim and I can just dish it out to you if you know what, but to be more proactive or living, uh, turnarounds, um, yeah, it’s just a, a good exercise like stretch. 

Todd: That’s all. It’s an option, right? I, yeah, yeah. I could play around with, how could I put myself more on center stage, even when I’m not quote unquote on center stage with everybody else, like, and I’m thinking I could be thinking that I’m the most important person to myself.

Like I could be simply the audience to myself and the person on the stage to myself, [00:26:00] and enjoying my own. Attention, even when I’m paying attention to someone else being effervescent at the same time. So you’ll have to play with it, but you may find some, some ways that could work for you. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. It comes down to, uh, that, uh, center stage.

Um, I want people to like me. I want. Yeah. Right. So the turnaround 

Todd: is I want B to like me, right? Yeah. Yeah. So if I’m really liking me or if I’m thinking I am important, which is putting myself on center stage, then I can be completely in the shadows of a group. Yeah, right. There’s no, there’s no rule that says I have to be center stage of the group to be feeling really.

Liked and appreciated by myself. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. 

Todd: In [00:27:00] fact, that’s kind of like coming for me. I’m kind of a, can be a quiet person in certain ways, especially in groups, and I tend to recede a little bit to the shadows and 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: But I’m, I’m comfortable with that. I’m not thinking that I, that I should be more center stage, and so I just enjoy that role.

That is kind of natural for me, and it feels like. Um, I’m a, I may not be the most important part of the group, but I feel, I feel like, um, I’m, I’m a good person, you know, like I’m somebody that I like and I like my own nature. So it’s something I, we’re just sort of touching on this, but it’s something you can just play with.

Um, that being center stage doesn’t have to be. Outward Could be inward. Yeah.[00:28:00] 

Okay. So is there another turnaround? She makes me feel inferior. Uh,

I have down, uh, 

Client: I don’t make myself feel inferior. I. Oh, 

Todd: okay. So that would be kind of a, that double turnaround and Oh, okay. Sometimes 

Client: a spin or whatever. It can 

Todd: kind of sometimes spin you back around to, to, um, yeah, it’s, it’s not me, it’s her, you know, so I’m still kind of blaming on the outside. Depends on how you hold that turnaround.

You might be a way to make it, make it work. Maybe it’s just a balance. Yeah. Sometimes I do make, sometimes I don’t. Mm-hmm. And, and that could work as well. So turnaround I’m thinking of is I make her feel inferior. 

Client: Yeah, that’s, yep. 

Todd: So can you find any examples of that? 

Client: Sure. By, um, glaring [00:29:00] at her or, um, not of just being quiet, I mean, reserved like.

Not gonna, I’m not gonna buy into this. I’m not gonna be a groupie like everybody else. I mean, that’s, that’s my, yeah. Um, imagery. So, um, not giving, not gonna knock 

Todd: your jokes, you know? Yeah. I mean, 

Client: yeah. Um, yeah. By not giving her eye, direct eye contact. Um, uh, real good at that. And, um, 

Todd: so these are, these are like the quiet ways of making someone feel inferior and.

Even if she may, if she noticed, she may actually start to feel inferior, but whether she does or not, that’s what your intention is. Like, you’re trying to get back or trying to, um, put her down somehow. Yeah, I’m trying to, yeah, 

Client: put her down. Trying to, trying of lower a notch or two and putting her in a place, you know.

Um, so, but that’s 

Todd: me trying to [00:30:00] make sure, feel inferior. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. 

Todd: And it’s good to see just because it’s like, oh, right, that’s what I’m doing. And what does it feel like to try to make someone feel inferior? Does it bring you peace or does it bring 

Client: I don’t, I feel sometimes, um, I’ll, uh, uh, I can see it in the moment.

Other times when I’m driving, driving home, or doing something else, it just is. Uh, I don’t know, shame and just disappointment that I had to stoop to that, uh, level that I wasn’t, uh, mature enough or, uh, mm-hmm. Uh, that I bought into it and, um, wasn’t able and didn’t step away and just see it for what was happening.

Todd: Yeah. And it happens innocently enough as we saw, you’re believing the thought, cheapest, inferior. You have no choice but to react ’cause that’s what the mind does leaving. So it’s innocent. [00:31:00] But then what we’re bringing in is this awareness that, oh, are there other options? And it may be that there are, and maybe making her feel inferior, even though it’s a reaction.

Might not be my first thing to go to when I’m seeing, um, things from a wider perspective. ’cause it actually makes me feel bad. Yeah. So that’s, that’s what we’re looking at. It’s just options of how to see this same situation that might be less stressful the next time it happens.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you just heard here, then go to the work as meditation.com and then open sessions, and you’ll see the upcoming schedule there. You can sign up, you’ll find the times in your time zone, and it’s a great way to join me and do the work. Or ask questions about the work [00:32:00] Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Infer Inferiority Complex as a Temple Bell.

Why would a beautiful house give you an inferiority complex? It only does if you want it and think you can’t have it. Inferiority complexes are funny things. Doing the work with a client a few weeks ago, we made an interesting discovery about inferiority complexes. We were working the concept, she doesn’t like me in an awkward social situation.

My client wanted to connect with this person that she admired but didn’t know so well. Instead, she felt very self-conscious and excluded. The inferiority complex in that situation was a reaction to what she was believing. It became clear why admiring someone [00:33:00] feels good, there’s no stress in that, but wanting something from them that’s stressful by wanting the woman to like her and engage in conversation with her, she put herself in a more needy dependent space, and naturally she stopped respecting herself.

She couldn’t respect herself when she was wanting or needing or feeling desperate. So the natural result was an inferiority complex. She felt less than not because she was less than in any real way, but because she was acting in a less than kind of way internally by wanting attention so badly. So an inferiority complex is a kind of temple bell.

Whenever you feel an inferior inferiority complex coming on, it’s a sign that you’re wanting something. You’ve stepped out of contentment and into some flavor of desperation. It’s a Temple [00:34:00] Bell calling you to come back to self-inquiry. It’s an invitation to write down what you’re wanting and question if it’s really true that you want it or need it.

When my question, when my client questioned, I want her to be interested in me and turned it around and found examples of the turnarounds. The desperate feeling shifted. So when you feel an inferiority complex in any situation, it’s just an opportunity to notice what you’re wanting and to do the work on it.

And a simple quote from Byron Katie’s book, loving, what is, what do you want from him? And I’ve heard Byron Katie say this, uh. In some of her presentations, and it’s always stuck with me and resonated with me that there can be no stress without a want. So look for the want. The want is a wonderful thing to question.[00:35:00]