How Overwhelmed HSPs Can Stay Centered When Others Don’t Give Them Space

Todd: [00:00:00] If you’re interested in the work of Byron Katie, which is what we present here in this podcast, you may really enjoy doing a virtual retreat with me. This is something that I offer every, uh, every three months, and it’s something that you can do on Zoom. I. You can spend the whole weekend basically doing two hours of the work and an hour break, and then another two hours, and you can spend as much time or as little as you like.

I’m there to support you. My Inquiry Circle participants are there to support you. And if you’re interested in diving in to the work of Byron Katie, go to the work as meditation.com and check out. Virtual retreats.

Client: I just felt, uh, it’s kinda almost like a addiction thing, you know, getting wrapped up in this and not being able to, um. I, I kept thinking, okay, what would I feel like without this thought? And, um, [00:01:00] I just felt like I was in this, just stuck. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

And we always use the work of Byron Katie in this podcast. Um, it’s a way of questioning any stressful thought, finding any. Stressful situation and getting into what it is you’re actually thinking, um, that’s causing the stress inside of you. When you question your thoughts, you often start to see things differently, and when you see things differently, you often start to feel differently.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today. We are having more of a discussion. There’s no one that’s actually doing the work in this particular, uh, session. This is a recording of my weekly open session, and in this particular one, we start out with someone sharing her experience with a family visit. She had done the work before her [00:02:00] visit.

She did a little bit of the work during her visit, and she shares her experience. Then we’ll, uh, go into, uh, a discussion with several different questions that are quite interesting about how to deal with when you’re confined with a person that’s stressing you. And, um, and the idea of going into the work slowly over time.

And once you’ve gotten over something. How do you go back and work on it when it’s no longer stressful? So we’ll get into those topics and I will also then read the newsletter, um, which, uh, this particular week is called Internal Shifts Before Winning a Pickleball Tournament. And this is my own experience.

So let’s dive into it. First things first, we’ll be listening to the open session recording and, uh, the discussion that is a part of that. And then I will be diving into the newsletter right after that. [00:03:00] 

Client: Um, I don’t have really a stressful thought at this time, but I did wanna share, uh, recent experience. Is that okay?

Okay. 

Todd: Yeah, that’d be great. 

Client: I recently came back from, uh, visiting my, my mom and sister, uh, in, uh, the Midwest. And, uh, um, I, anyway, I, um, did some, uh, spoken work, uh, with Edwin, um, before I left on my sister. And, um, it was, uh, interesting, uh, just to kind of summarize it, um, uh. Um, about my sister who tends to, uh, talk a lot and also be very, um, uh, person that, uh, I think is in control.

Uh, likes to be in control or run the, run the show. ’cause she is the oldest sister, she’s five years older than me. And, [00:04:00] uh, so it was interesting to, uh, do the work. On, uh, that situation. And, uh, it helps me, um, see, um, it helps me to see her instead of see what, uh, my thinking, uh, I can see my thinking about her more clearly.

And, uh. I do well on that. Um, and after like day five or something like that, uh, my, when I’m with my mom and sister, it’s very intense. They wanna be around you all the time. And, um, and it’s, uh, it was neat to, it is good to see them both, but, uh, um, I just got to the point where, uh, it just seems like doing the work.

On what I did, uh, was weaving off and I started thinking, my thinking started. It was getting so loud and I just thought, oh my God, I just [00:05:00] can’t get, um, I. I just felt, uh, kinda almost like a addiction thing, you know, getting wrapped up in this and not being able to, um, I, I kept think, okay, what would I feel like without this thought?

And, um, I just felt like I was in this, just stuck. I couldn’t get outta this of all the stuff that I was experiencing thinking of. Um. You know, uh, this, my stressful thought. I was, uh, kept going around and around and that, and it was hard for me to get into what would I be like without that thought? And the next day I, um, woke up with some clarity and, uh, and I could, um, I realized that, uh, I could see.

That, um, I could see how I’d feel without that thought of my [00:06:00] sister was controlling me. And, uh, my sister is, um, uh, they’re controlling of me and, um, I. Uh, I could see that my sister, um, was really just, um, she’s very happy for me that I had a good relationship. ’cause I don’t have a really good track record on that.

And, um, that she really, uh, was maybe acting the way she did because, um, maybe she was really happy for me and I, I just was such a. Release a burden of, uh, stress and, uh, it just put me in a different head space. And when I was leaving, um, going to the, before I left for the airport, I, um, this was like the last day before I left.

And, um, I was getting ready to leave [00:07:00] her out in the parking lot where my mom lives. And, uh. I gave her a hug, she gave my husband a hug. And, um, we were a couple steps away from her. And I looked at Linda and I just said, Linda, I know that, um, we don’t see eye to eye and we have, uh, we don’t agree on a lot of things.

And, um, what, I didn’t experience this right. Uh, I mean, I’m choking up thinking about it. And I said, I just wanna let you know that I love you regardless. Regardless. I didn’t say regardless, I just wanna know that I love you. And, uh, she had just looked at me and walked away and I, you know, I said something to her and she goes, I just can’t talk right now.

And she got in her car. And, um, I, you know, I never would’ve been able to, it just came out of me. It just kind of blows me away. Um, you know, I didn’t put a thought into it. I wasn’t [00:08:00] rehearsed. And, um, it just like, almost upwell it’s just this upwelling in me that I just, so it just really blows me away at how powerful this the work is and, yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It’s, that’s, that’s how this work works. It’s just, you know, sitting in these questions, like even when you’re thinking the work has worn off, and then you’re sitting back in the question again, who would I be without the thought? And nothing’s coming. And then you kind of forget about it and it just, the mind or the heart or something inside just keeps kind of.

Working and then you wake up and you’re like, oh, that’s who I’d be without the thought. [00:09:00] And, and so it just, it’s like you just start the process and then I. It kind of goes by itself. And the best thing about it is then you’re not trying to rehearse, uh, some kind of speech or trying to do some kind of action consciously.

It’s just you start to see things differently and then the action comes spontaneously out of there. So that’s, that’s why I love the work. It’s just so natural. We’re tapping into our own inner wisdom. And when I do that. I act more wise without trying, and when it’s, and when I’ve reached my limit, I’m back to whatever stress I’m at, then I take the next step of the work and I just, you know, it’s just one step at a time.

So thank you for sharing that. Beautiful. I’ve [00:10:00] had it many, many times where the same stressful thought that I thought would, um, that used to bother me. I’ll get in that situation. And it’s like, what, what stress? And I didn’t try to not be stressful. It just wasn’t stressful anymore. Hold on a second. I’ve got a little puppy.

Okay. Yeah. I, I can look at her. I wonder what noise making. 

Client: I was looking at her and I could still, that day, uh, I could, um, still see her act in the same way. And I just, uh, kept going back to, um, what I am, um, how, who would I be without that thought? And it’s just, uh, was, um, very freeing and, uh, just kind of, I was uplifting.

Todd: Beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for doing your work. [00:11:00] Really. That’s what it is. Alright, so either of you want to do some work now. We’ve got about 20 minutes and we could, we could look into any particular situation that might have any little bit of stress for you. 

Client 2: Todd, I have, I have a question related to what Susan just shared.

Sure. Yeah. And it’s related to the, when you are working on a stressful thought and you feel like it’s not something that just goes away. Right. Especially. If you’re in a situation where there’s another person involved and according to you, they’re causing that stressful thought, right? They’re just feeding it and like it’s there.

So it’s easier when you’re away and like pushing everything aside and like you can start seeing things differently and all that. But how do you keep control, I guess, when, when there’s that tension of [00:12:00] like. The person that is causing you that stressful thought, haunting you down and not like letting you have your space so you can be able to process all that stuff.

How can you like still like keep calm and, and like try to figure out? ’cause I, I feel like it’s a glass, filling it with water and it’s like, it goes up, up, up and you know, at some point it’s just going out no matter what. You know it’s gonna happen, but there’s nothing you.

Todd: I’m thinking of the volcano in your town. Like it’s getting more and more and it’s gonna blow, right? 

Client 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s gonna be messy. Um, yeah, so I mean, sometimes you can’t control that. Sometimes people just catch you or life just catches you and you’re in the situation and you can’t. You can’t get away.

And it does build and build and blow. And that happens [00:13:00] actually, it happens all the time to, to all of us. Um, but you know, it’s like. It only takes a few minutes to sit down and do a little bit of the work. So assuming that they’re not controlling every single minute of your life, then there’s probably a little bit of space where I can take, find a little bit of, um, time where I can do a little bit of work.

You know, write a little worksheet or one liner or something and question something. Or even, like Susan was saying, just asking that question, who would I be without that thought? And that can sometimes be enough to give me enough space in there to start looking for, uh, another way of seeing it. But yeah, of course these, these situations are tough and sometimes, um, yeah, they just keep coming at you.

Worst case scenario, you blow, oh, well it’s happened in [00:14:00] the past. No big deal, right in the end. But if you can find that little bit of space, then I. That can kind of prevent it. And if you have more space later, and this is where we tend to forget, right? Like now I go out of the situation completely, I’m not getting stressed by it.

Then I think, oh, I don’t have to work that one anymore. And that could be the perfect time to like go and do a really in depth worksheet on that person, like a prevention for the next time when you get in that situation. That’s how I love to do a work worksheet where I’m not. In this situation now, but I’m working it, like spending a lot of time working all the different pieces of it.

And then when I come back to it, it’s like not an issue or less of an issue like that. So you’re going, I’ve heard by and Katie say sometimes, like going into the fire and then coming outta the fire, right? So in the fire [00:15:00] means like you’re, you’re in it with that person and it’s, there’s no escape. So. You go in, but then you might have to come out and do the work when you can come out, and then when you’ve got a little more clarity, you go back in and then see what’s left and some more stress is probably gonna get shown to you.

Then you come back out and you go back and forth until you can just go in and stay in. There’s no problem.

Client: Yeah, so it’s like, um, like this one, I can still feel there’s, there’s, uh, stickiness and, uh, um, it’s not, yeah, I mean, there’s still stuff hanging, so I could see, uh, going in deeper about this, um, right. Yeah. 

Todd: So you find one, one moment in that week you had together, right there would probably be at least one moment that you could land on and write a full judge your neighbor worksheet on your [00:16:00] sister, and, and then work it for, you know, a couple weeks or something.

Just one statement a day until you start feeling more and more clarity there. Yeah. And then if you really wanna be thorough, you could work three or four different state uh, situations. From that week, like you’ve got a whole rich collection of situations. You could work more than one. You know, it just depends on how much you wanna do.

Yeah. You can do a million of ’em or you can just say, that’s enough. I don’t care. Right. It doesn’t matter. Yeah, I 

Client: do, I do care because it, it’s, you know, all goes, come back to me. It’s just the more I do this, the more, um. It kind of takes that pressure cooker, or whatever you wanna call it, the volcano. It kind of lessens a volcano.

I noticed one time I was just about, I was really getting pissed off at her and we were gonna go somewhere and I didn’t, I, you know, I thought, oh, I have to write, I, I gotta write a sheet on this. And I didn’t have time. So I just kind of was going through, [00:17:00] um, uh. What my emotion was, a particular emotion.

And then what was, um, uh, it was the because statement and, uh, I wrote it down in my little, uh, notebook. I just, that Linda pisses me off because she, uh, ignores me and, and acts like a groupie around Randy, who’s my husband. And, um. That’s all the time I had to do it. And I gotta tell you, I walked away, we started doing my stuff and I thought, oh my God, I just feel so much lighter just from that, just solidifying exactly what was pissing me off or whatever, you know, what was the exact same thing?

And I said two things there. So I could see very easily I could do just on that situation that, uh, she ignores me and then also acts like, uh, a groupie. Around my husband, so 

Todd: yeah. Yeah. 

Client: But just that little bit, I was just [00:18:00] so surprised that 

Todd: I’ve had that experience many times. Just writing the thought down, just noticing what the thought was.

Uh, because I’ve done the work a bunch. Uh, just knowing that, found what it was that it, that I was thinking. I’m already starting to almost. Question it unconsciously. Once I’ve written it there, it just starts to, starts to relax. I stop being as, I’m like, oh, that’s just my thinking, right? And then I start to see it from that perspective.

But I can later with the luxury of time, go back in and and do a thorough formal piece of work, write a worksheet, and do go through everything later, because there are probably some nuances there that still haven’t. Haven’t been fully addressed, um, or let go of. So yeah, that’s, that’s the option. 

Client: Yeah. I was thinking of some of the, um, [00:19:00] uh, turnarounds and, uh, how I responded, you know, when I was doing the work in the spoken work and, uh.

I would get these, uh, in, I would get these thoughts. I could see my thinking. And uh, normally I would just react like, oh, you know, I’d cuss and just say something. I go, fuck. I still have that thought in my mind. Oh, I thought I’d get released that, you know, or let it go. And, um, I was thinking more like, oh, um, hey, there’s my, uh, I would.

Welcome it and say, Hey there, uh, instead of pushing it away and try to shove it down. Um, so, uh, which I have been learning, uh, with my turnarounds and it was just, uh, it’s like this part of me wants to be heard and instead of always putting it down and, you know, putting myself down, [00:20:00] my thoughts down. Um. I don’t know if that makes sense, but just to say, Hey there, you know, I see you, or, um, yep.

It’s just, uh, that’s 

Todd: really, really important. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: It’s like I, I even sometimes am not in a super big hurry to, um. Once I’ve identified the thought, I may, I may wanna just allow that, allow that to be right. Oh, that’s what I think that’s, that’s my stressful thought. Instead of rushing in to question it and turn it around right away and get rid of it, or some kind of energy like that.

Because part of the work is just. Listening, like meeting my thoughts with understanding. And that’s kind and that’s generous and that’s loving towards myself and it’s also loving to question them and to find even new ways of seeing the situation. But just allowing myself to, [00:21:00] you know, be angry and see what the thoughts are, and just noticing how this little crying baby in me is, is.

You know what it’s thinking in this moment, it’s, that in itself is extremely helpful. Yeah.

Client 2: And I feel like it’s even better when you give it a little bit of time, because for me, I, I’ve tried to do it like right after the situation where I’m still angry and I’m still. That didn’t come out like really nice at all for, or any of the parties involved. ’cause I’m still like attached to what I’m believing in my thought.

And it’s like I’m trying to defend it and it’s getting on top of everything else. I don’t see anything else outside of that. So it doesn’t work for me at all when I do it right away. 

Todd: You have like an a tug of war going on inside of yourself, like, you know. Oh, I want to question this [00:22:00] thought. No, I don’t wanna question that thought.

And you’re fighting yourself and it doesn’t really, yeah, the, the only basic requirement for doing the work is some sense of openness inside. If I’m open to questioning and if I’m still not ready, then I just wait, you know? And then I can go back a week later and do the work on something when I’m a little bit more open, or whenever, maybe it’s an hour later or, or maybe it’s years later.

It doesn’t matter. If I’m, if there’s enough openness there, then I will sincerely answer the questions. Then I will genuinely find examples for the turnarounds and then it’s gonna touch me. But if I’m have that defensive stance inside of me, then you can go through the motions of doing the work. But chances are it’s like the gates are closed, my heart’s closed.

So I ask the question and just knocks on the closed door, and then nothing comes out. Right. That can happen, right? Yeah, but [00:23:00] also it doesn’t, you don’t have to wait for the heart to be wide open before you do the work. You can have, even a little crack of openness is enough, and you can start to ask the question.

The question can go in the little crack and it can sometimes start to open the heart and it can continue to get, um, you know, it can, it doesn’t take much. It’s also one of the reasons why I, I work on one worksheet for a while because the first couple statements that I question are just starting to crack things open a little bit.

But then once things are cracked open, I keep asking the questions on these other statements. Um, and I, and I, it’s like there’s more openness there to begin with, so I often find new answers that are even. Even more touching me, and as I find them, I get more open. So it’s like, it becomes like a positive feedback cycle.

And so going through one worksheet slowly over, over a lot of questions can, [00:24:00] sometimes just, some people say, oh, it’s boring. I already got it. It’s the first questions that I, I cracked it open, but once it’s cracked, I wanna like get all of the, you know, get all the good stuff that’s in there from once it’s opened up.

Client 2: I was going to ask you about that because I noticed like trying to do the same time the same thing, like maybe do a worksheet over a week or two weeks or something like that. And I noticed like later on what you wrote doesn’t make much sense at all because you are like over that feeling. So it’s like.

How do you, how do you keep the mind open to keep working those when you’re at the same time thinking like, oh, but it’s over. So like, there’s nothing else to dig out of it. Like Yeah. How do you stay open to that? 

Todd: That’s a great question. It’s one that’s, that you have to really sit with, but my experience is that, um, I can be, [00:25:00] I can be open and feeling like I’m really over this, but what I do is I go back.

I kind of time travel back to when I was in that situation, and I put myself, my mind back there as if I’m there. And so now when I do the question again and it says, how do you react? What happens? I’m like, ah, I’m angry. I’m, it’s, it’s all there. Even though there’s a big part of me that says, I’m over this, I already got this.

There’s, there’s a. And it’s true, but I can still go back to where I was stuck and I can answer the questions from there and I will find more reactions and I will find more. And then I can say, who would I be without the thought? And I can find turnarounds. So that’s the beauty of the human mind is it it can do that kind of time travel and it works.

So just. I, I, I can be [00:26:00] completely free having a great day, and then I sit down to do the work. Okay, what’s the topic? Oh, right, that was that incident that happened a week ago. I’m working on it and I’m really not feeling stressed about it anymore. But where was I? Let me go back to it and remember what they said and what I felt.

Oh yeah, that was, I hated that. You know, and so then you go in and you answer the questions from there. It works. 

Client 2: Oh, that’s cool. Thank you. I’ll try that next time. 

Todd: Yeah, yeah. It’s worth it. Worth experimenting with.

Yeah. You know, when people first get into the work, they often think like I’m doing this to, um, get out of my suffering. And it’s true. Why else would I do the work? So the logical conclusion to that is once I’m out of my suffering, I don’t need to do the [00:27:00] work anymore. I don’t wanna do the work anymore. But, um, suffering is, it comes in layers.

And so I’ve broken the first layer of suffering, but there’s more there that if I keep. Doing the work kind of as a meditative practice, which I encourage people to do. Then you just keep unpeeling another layer and another layer and another layer, and it just keeps getting more and more open and yeah, that, that, that’s how I see it.

It’s an ongoing practice opening to more and more of my heart. Yeah. 

Client 2: It reminds me of like, when you’re driving a car and there are like a bunch of witnesses, like lighting up the car might still run and like you don’t feel anything and it works just fine, but that’s letting you know that there’s something going on.[00:28:00] 

And if you don’t pay attention more and more come up until you can drive it. All right. 

Todd: Yeah, I’ve, I’ve heard the, like, the analogy that like, it’s like. Life is something like when it first, when you first start doing something that isn’t, you know, doesn’t, isn’t in your integrity or something, it’s like a little whisper.

Oh, that, that’s off something off there. And then if you keep doing it, then it becomes a little louder, like, ah, you know, and then you keep doing it. It gets more and more loud and. And so finally in the end you’re like really angry or really frustrated or really something like that. But. Or really guilty, whatever the, the, the emotion is.

So the loudest one is like the last one to come, right? But the, it started with just a little whisper, and as you do the work, you start peeling away the louder layers and they’re not as much coming [00:29:00] up because you’re catching it earlier, and then you keep working, you start coming down, you start to be able to hear the whispers.

Then in real life, when the whisper comes. You can just say, oh no, that’s not in my integrity. I’m not gonna do that, or I don’t want that. And you just bypass the whole suffering problem that that normally becomes very big. So this work is about doing that noticing, peeling, peeling it back, getting quieter and quieter and noticing where, um, you know, where what’s really my truth.

This is just, this is just me talking to me. Right. But there’s a wisdom in me. That tells me in the beginning, but I don’t hear it. And then later I train my ears and I get rid of the noise and I start to hear it more and more.

And it’s infinite. Like you can just get, keep getting [00:30:00] quieter and quieter. You can go as subtle as you want to go with this work. It’ll, it’ll just go as subtle as you want to go. So. You can stop at any point, but I don’t plan to because I like, I like subtlety. I like finding more and more pieces underneath there.

It’s, and I love being more and more in touch with how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what’s true for me, what’s, what feels right for me, what doesn’t feel right for me, all of that. That’s, that’s what the work invites us to, to listen to ourselves. That’s all we’re doing. We’re asking ourself questions and we’re listening to ourselves.

It’s a great skill to practice.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then you’ll find the link there for open sessions. You can learn how to sign up, join me and you can ask your own questions or [00:31:00] do the work with me. I also want to, um, bring up the.

Course that I offer, probably the core course that I offer called the Work 1 0 1, and in this course we go in depth into every aspect of doing the work, and we really put it into practice. You’ll have 45 lessons. Um, there’s a, a trainer that we working one-on-one with you and the. The ability to go in and really understand the work, have yourself be self-sufficient in this process, is something that you can take away from the work 1 0 1.

So if you’re interested, go to the work as meditation.com and then just go to the Work 1 0 1 page and you can read all about it there.

Next I’m going to read one of my newsletters, and this one is called. Internal shifts before winning a pickleball tournament. I’ve been playing [00:32:00] pickleball for four years and it’s the most fun sport I’ve ever played, though I didn’t get into pickleball to win tournaments. I was interested in trying them, and my experience was when I first tried them is that I lost and I lost and I lost and I lost, and it was a little bit depressing.

So. Of course my external game of pickleball can be improved. I’m always working on it. I’m always playing with people and learning new techniques and, and that’s natural, but. That wasn’t really the problem with tournaments ’cause I play pretty well in rec play with just other players in my club. But when I came to a tournament, something changed and it was like worse than us usual.

And it was not just that everyone else was better. So this pointed something out to me that there’s something internally like my internal game that was actually causing me trouble and I wanted to work on it. So luckily, I love the work of Byron Katie and [00:33:00] I decided to move in to this inner world of what’s actually going on when I’m at a pickleball tournament that, um, you know what’s going on in my head that can be questioned.

I’ve played five tournaments so far in, in almost all of them, I lost every game or almost every game, or just like one, one game. Uh, but when I play for fun, I usually win more often than I lose. So what’s going on here? To find out, I let my emotions be my guide. That’s always the starting point with the work of Byron Katie.

So each time a depressing emotion showed up related to this. I did the work on that thought that was connected to that emotion. So let’s look at how I worked through this inner game, if you wanna call it that as, um, as I have over the past few years, I’m a loser and other thoughts. One of the [00:34:00] thoughts that was connected to the emotion I felt after losing so many pickleball tournaments was quite simply, I am a loser.

And of course, it’s literally true. I was eliminated each time, so therefore I was a loser. But what the mind does with that is much more the mind loves to latch onto these facts. You know, I lost to prove its story that I am a loser. Um. It takes those facts and exaggerates and distorts them into something, uh, far worse.

Not only did I lose in the tournament, but I was a loser in general, and that meant I cannot play the game at all. I’m no good at other things too. You know, it’s basically shameful for me to be me. Exaggeration. Of course when I questioned these thoughts, I could see through my mind’s exaggeration. That’s the beauty of questioning.

Just because I lost doesn’t mean that I’m a loser, but [00:35:00] my mind kept believing it. And the more I lost, you know, in further tournaments, the truer it felt and it sort of, the, the proof started building up that I maybe I really kind of sucked at pickleball. Each time it showed up, I met it again with inquiry and with understanding, and I, and with a lot of listening and, and a lot of questioning.

And the result was over time, I stopped caring as much about the whole thing, about winning, about losing. And as I did my work, the same losses became less of a big deal. And at one point I realized on a really deep level that I’m just basically an average pickleball player. You know, not amazing. I’m not terrible, but I’m just kind of average.

And this was a big letting go for me because, uh, like almost unconsciously I’ve been thinking that I could be really good. You know, like you, you always have your vision on the pros and they’re [00:36:00] amazing. And, and they also practice like eight hours a day and have amazing coaches and. Blah, blah, blah. So I was always thinking like, yeah, I’m, I’m, I’m getting there.

I’m, I’m going there. Um, but as I did my work, I started letting go of that a little bit and started seeing, you know, average is quite fine. Um, and, and this helped me to relax inside. I stopped pretending that I was better than I was, or that I have to get better than I am. And so losing a tournament became a lot less stressful.

So I started going to tournaments as much to cheer on my, my teammates, my club mates, as to play, um, or win. I also did a judge your neighbor worksheet, and after losing one match, I wrote a worksheet on the opposing team, and this was interesting. So I actually read the worksheet here for you. Line one is, I’m angry with the other team because they’re dominating [00:37:00] us.

Line two, I want them to fall apart. I want them to stop being lucky. I want them to let us play our game. I want them to feel. Uh, I want them to feel that we are gonna win, so I’m kind of waiting for them. And then line three, they should not think about the score. They should consider that luck is a factor too.

They should just focus on hitting each shot. They should play like we do in recreational play. Line four. I need them to lose. I need them to get out of our way. Line five, they’re dominating, they’re enemies, they’re ruthless in line six. I don’t ever want to feel powerless as the score goes in their favor again, and I don’t ever want to lose the first match of the day.

Again, as I worked through these concepts on this worksheet and I took. A couple weeks to do this, just questioning one of these every day. And as I turned them [00:38:00] around, I discovered that I was actually waiting for permission from the other team to let us win. It’s kind of a kind of an awkward place to be, and this is actually an old pattern for me of trying to stay safe by appeasing others.

I give the other team all the power, and then I wouldn’t let myself win without their permission. This is all like almost unconscious in my mind. So as I did the work and I started seeing this, it allowed me to shift back to my own business business and give myself permission to win and give myself permission to be more aggressive in my play.

And this was a big change, uh, going forward, letting go. Another thought that was holding me back was a desire to be careful. I was playing really conservatively, trying not to hit any balls out and let the other team make all the mistakes, which is great in theory, but turned out to be not so great in practice.

For me, [00:39:00] the result of this kind of carefulness was that I was. Only ever playing at about 70%. And ironically, a lot of my normal shots didn’t work at that pace. I actually hit more balls out with this mindset. So when I informally questioned this idea and allowed myself to play hard the way I normally do, I could feel my heart relax.

I was back in my element. I didn’t worry that I was making some errors and I wasn’t trying to be careful. I just put my heart back into the game and that’s when we won. One last underlying belief. One other stressful thought that I questioned informally over a couple of weeks was the thought I want to win gold.

This again was an ego thought, the idea that I am really good, you know, I’m a great player and there’s something wrong if I’m not winning. Letting go of this idea was very freeing. I came back to just [00:40:00] being me. Not amazing, but not bad either. It changed how I thought of tournaments completely. I just came to play with my club and meet players from other clubs, and this took the pressure to win off of me and allow me to just play and have fun, and that that’s when I could really engage and enjoy the play.

And when I won bronze. The bronze medal, I was completely satisfied with it. Gold was not even needed. It’s like I wasn’t there for that anymore. The random factor. In the end, I see tournaments much more clearly. Now I see them as actually fairly random. You never know who will show up, so in reality, a medal doesn’t really mean that much.

Now I’m over the need to win, but I’ll still play some tournaments just for the fun of it because it helps my game, both outer and inner. The result [00:41:00] is a feeling of confidence and healthy detachment, a feeling of being at home with myself. Want to use life’s experience to find yourself. Life is probably giving you lots of challenging situations like it did with me on the pickleball court.

Why not use those situations as an opportunity to gain clarity about how to live more peacefully? The key for me is doing the work of Byron Katie. So I invite you to join us for the Work 1 0 1 My in-depth online course for making the work a practice in your life.

So I will end with a quote from Byron Katie, and this is from her book, A thousand Names for Joy. So if you’re lying on your deathbed and the doctor says it’s all over for you and you believe him. All the confusion stops. You no longer have anything to lose, and in that piece there is [00:42:00] only you.