How Overwhelmed HSPs Can Stay Grounded When Everything Feels Like It’s Falling Apart

Todd: [00:00:00] If you ever have trouble coming up with the stressful thought that you want to question, it can be helpful to work with a facilitator who can listen to what you’re saying, write down some notes, and give you some ideas back to you in terms of what is the stressful thought that’s really bothering you.

And this is something that I offer in my private sessions, something that you can do with me one-on-one in the privacy of a. Of a one-on-one meeting and it’s a chance to sometimes identify exactly what’s bothering you and then when once that’s been done, going through the four questions and turnarounds can sometimes just be like the easy part.

So I encourage you to check that out. Go to the work as meditation.com, go to the private sessions page and book an appointment with me.

Client: So I am [00:01:00] caught in this place of. I don’t wanna have to have some huge problem. It’s every time I have a huge problem, it works out better, but can’t I just have it go better without the huge problem? 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie.

If you’re not familiar with this process, it’s a way to identify stressful thoughts running in your mind in any particular situation, and then question those thoughts and see if you can see things from a slightly different perspective.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today. A participant in one of my open sessions does the work on the stressful thought that things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go. This is something that may happen to you as well, the feeling like. Why does it have to go badly [00:02:00] before it can go right?

Can end up being something that can be preventing you from appreciating what’s actually happening. So listen, as she works her way through this we spend some time identifying what thought to question, and then we go through and go through the four questions and turnarounds of the work of Byron Katie, and you’ll watch as she finds her own insights in doing this.

Then after that I will be reading a, an article that I wrote called How to Hold Someone Who Is Angry. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. A simple, powerful way to question what you think. We’ll be listening mainly to the open session recording which is always unedited so that you can experience it exactly how we do the work.

Client: I met with my doctor today who had not her [00:03:00] staff did not pass on information to her that was important for her to have. And I followed her directions exactly, but it left me it left me having to not get a medication that I needed, and so I compromised. And now here’s the problem. It turned out better because that happened, that when I solved the problem, it actually turned out better than the way she had wanted it to go.

So I am caught in this place of. I don’t wanna have to have some huge problem. It’s every time I have a huge problem, it works out better, but can’t I just have it go better without the huge problem?

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good one. It is working out great for me, but can’t I just have it work out great directly instead of 

Client: having to go all the way to the bottom before it got over the top? It’s yeah. Yeah. Could have been so much [00:04:00] easier.

Todd: So how would we phrase that? I I want it to go better without the huge problem.

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: How would you phrase it? 

Client: That’s a good question because, and anyone has a suggestion, I was like,

Todd: wanna go directly to the solution without all the drama. 

Client: It seems, it, it feels like I need the problem to get so big in order to solve it or something, or to get it better. I it, somewhere in that category. 

Do either of the Susans have an idea?

I froze again.

This, it seems like this happens to a lot of people too. 

Todd: Yeah. You had something you wanted to say, [00:05:00] Susan? 

Client: Yeah. Susan, 

Todd: I thought you unmute yourself.

Oh, I can’t hear you. Somehow the microphone’s not working

Okay. So Wendy, then 

Client: It’s things it seems like, or like things have to go very wrong before they go Uhhuh. 

Todd: Okay. I like it. Okay.

Client: Go very wrong. 

Todd: Yeah. Okay. And,

okay. And is that seems to be what’s happening, is that what’s bothering you? Things have to go very wrong before you go, right? Yeah, because 

Client: It’s things could, I would like to think that things could actually go well and. Me not have to jump through hoops to solve a problem, and then I solve the problem and it’s, it’s solved better than it would’ve [00:06:00] been if I had just kept doing it the other way, but I, and I guess that’s the fine line there too. If the, if it hadn’t become a big problem, I wouldn’t have looked for the better way. 

So how can I look for, but they should go, the first time without a problem. Can I look for a way for things to go better without the problem, or 

Todd: Yeah.

Yeah. So one way of phrasing it could be something like that. Things should go well the first time. Yeah. They should go well. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Without the problem.

Client: And sometimes it’s because I am, I’m thinking this is good enough, but something’s better. And I’m not moved to look for the better thing until it’s a problem. But I’m willing to not have it become bad before I start looking for the better thing. Like I ended up using a different. Thing. Instead, she had me on [00:07:00] steroids and then I ran out and they wouldn’t renew it because of the way it was written.

And so I got on all the websites and then I found that if a person can’t take Prednisone steroids, they can take CBD oil and it has the same effect with no side effects. So in the interim, I got on the CBD oil. And it’s 10 times better, my condition has improved drastically. There’s no reason to go back on the steroids.

Todd: But would I 

Client: have looked for the CBD oil if I had easy access to the steroids? 

That’s the kind of slippery place it is. It’s

Todd: okay, I think we’re narrowing down on it. Something like things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go. Yeah. Like that, or 

Client: I think that’ll work.

Todd: Is 

Client: that true?

[00:08:00] Yes. 

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go, right? 

Client: Yes.

Todd: How do you react? And I 

Client: see that as an evolution. Yes. Okay, how do I react? 

Todd: So how do you react when you think shouldn’t Things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go. And here it is happening again.

Client: So I wanna say ahead of time that some of the things that I’m gonna say may sound positive, but that’s still an irritating thought as I’m having it during those times. I am, I have to take control of my own self. I get the feeling that my team is not behind me. I look at it and call it proof that I know better what I need than someone else does, which [00:09:00] leads me to then stop being in the past.

That has led me to stopping listening to the doctor and doing it myself. And it works. And then and then it, the future was, is that okay? Every time something better comes along, I have to go to almost the bottom and fail before I switch over to the more improved or better for me procedure.

I’m gonna, I’m trying to stick with it, and be consistent and do what I’m told. And I, and then I lose faith in my medical team. I feel like I’m in this alone. That’s another one. I’m in this alone. Do that one when we’re done. They’re not listening to me.

And if, and then there’s a level of [00:10:00] gratefulness. I wouldn’t have looked for the better way if things hadn’t gone wrong, followed immediately by, but why do they have to go so wrong before I look for, or they, or we all find a better way.

It just becomes that circle around and then.

Todd: Even though it worked out well, how do you look at this whole thing that happened when you’re thinking it shouldn’t have to go very wrong first before it goes right. 

Client: It puts me back thinking that I don’t have a team anymore. It’s just me, and the last thing a person says is, I’m there for you.

And then they’re not. So well, there it goes again. I’m gonna be let down by. Someone I just trusted again. So let, and I feel like my and my body just feels deflated. Like I’m just like all the air’s out of me and I’m just laying there flat on the ground, like an empty ball. And then I [00:11:00] pull myself out of it and say, okay, you know what do I need to do?

And then I solve the problem. Then I, what I did today, I made an appointment to see my doctor and I gave her an earful. And she said she didn’t know anything about it. Her staff let her down too. And, and then she scrambled to, to try to solve the problem. And I told her I’ve already solved it, and it turned out better.

And then she agreed that it turned out better. And so it’s so what’s the next step? And then she took care of the next step, but it’s okay, I, it’s like I don’t want to have to go through this again. I don’t want this to have to go wrong again in order to get the next step each time.

And so that’s where I sit and it’s okay, so what’s gonna, what’s gonna f up next time? And then I have to step in and, it’s and then I’m on my own again and all that stuff.

Todd: Makes sense. Yep. 

Client: That’s when I believe the thought. 

Todd: Okay. [00:12:00] So who would you be if you didn’t believe the thought that things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go?

If you didn’t have that thought, I.

Client: There, there’s a feeling of, I, I’m responsible for my own self and I am willing to accept another person’s suggestion as an option. And if something doesn’t work, I can work it out. I can find some type of resolution so that I’m not victimized by another person unable to help me.

And so that’s where I would go with it. Instead, I’m not the victim of [00:13:00] another person. A communication failure. 

I, that’s just one of the and it, I guess if I went into, it has me think if I go into situations

in my career, we always had a backup plan. If something went wrong, we’d have a plan. This is what we’re gonna do, and if something doesn’t work, we’ll have a backup plan. And I have not been making backup plans since I retired from that career because I. Just didn’t even think about, there’s no reason why I can’t move forward with the suggestions that are made, but still have a backup plan.

And then it probably wouldn’t have to go very wrong before I started my backup plan. 

Todd: Yeah, it’s a cool idea. 

Client: It’s oh yeah, good thing. I had a plan. 

Todd: But even if things do go wrong, if you don’t have the thought [00:14:00] that they shouldn’t, there’s a point. Who would you be seeing it? That it just did?

It had to go very wrong before it went right this time, or would you be looking at that situation that just happened? 

Client: How You know, I’m so glad that we do this with each other because I can’t see this when I’m doing it for myself. I would be grateful. That I had a backup plan, and then I would do what I did, but in with a, in a better state of mind, communicate with my team and say, I’m instituting the backup plan because there’s been a breakdown.

Let’s find it and fix it and move forward. I would be,

I’d be on the resolution side of it. I would also have to give up my feeling that even with a backup plan I, that the backup plan is because others [00:15:00] have failed me, but I’d change my reason for the backup plan to be because it’s a good idea to have a backup plan. Yeah, just because things, communications could fail or people could get sick and not show up the next day so a message doesn’t get passed on.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why she didn’t get the information she needed. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s almost like you’re believing I shouldn’t have to have a backup plan as well, yeah. It’s very similar. 

Client: Things should have, so without this thought wrong, so that I would need a backup plan, that I’m masterful at making backup plans and.

Use them. You got ’em. You know if you need ’em and if you don’t need ’em, you had it, but you didn’t use it. Life could just be something that a backup plan’s not a bad idea. Huh? 

Todd: So without the thought that things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go Right

Client: [00:16:00] Things can go the way they go and. If I’m paying attention and I have a backup plan, then there’s no feeling of me being let down. There’s just, oh, that didn’t work. I now, but I know something else that might work that I can do. 

And it turns out, in this case, the backup plan worked better,

Todd: so it turned the thought around. Things shouldn’t have to go very wrong before they go right.

Client: I am gonna start with, things shouldn’t have to go very right before they go even.

Todd: Okay. 

Client: Throughout interesting. Throughout the process of something working doesn’t mean that I can’t be looking for an improvement, a situation where it could have improved, like this is working, but long term might not be a problem.

I think I’ll, switch over now before it becomes a crisis. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Like when things are going right is probably the time to be thinking about the backup plans and the next thing you know. 

Yeah,[00:17:00] 

Client: yeah.

And in the absence of that, things should go very wrong. And then before they go right, the backup plan comes in place and then they can go because it. And it’s also if things do go wrong, there’s the evaluation of what went wrong. There’s a learning afforded the opportunity. 

Like I ended up with a lot more resources than I had before and I was surprised to find that. CBD oil was actually being offered by the National Institute of Health that the replacement for steroids is on the website that all doctors go to. At least in the US probably if it’s a national institute, I don’t know if that’s in other countries, but still it’s oh[00:18:00] 

yeah, 

Todd: things should have to go very wrong. 

Or they can. 

Client: They should have to go very wrong because people will just, and I’m included, I will just go along as things aren’t working and I won’t look for a way to improve it if everything seems to be going fine. But sometimes we, we get complacent or I’ll get com, I gotta tell me it’s me.

I’ll get complacent because things are working and then I’m holding status quo when in fact there’s a way better option available for me. 

Todd: So like you, with your team of doctors and health practitioners, they’ve been really working well for you recently. Yeah. And then so you relax into that, okay, I’ve got my team there.

I’m this, not just me but that’s, that doesn’t mean you can’t stop looking for whatever, using your own creativity in addition to whatever they bring to the table. 

Client: So another, so you sit [00:19:00] on 

Todd: that board too? 

Client: Yeah, exactly. I’m part of that so my mind ha, my mind has to go very wrong before it will go right.

And I have to look at what could go wrong and then have that, and that will give me a plan, huh? 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Huh.

Todd: So it’s like those two things don’t have to be mutually incompatible. I don’t have to I can have a team and still be holding responsibility myself for my health and looking for ways to, for options that maybe even my team isn’t seeing. I can do that at the same time while I’m trusting them to support me.

So it’s. Yeah,

it’s like being, it’s like I’m thinking in business, like you, I’m responsible [00:20:00] for my accounting, but I hire an accountant and they do a good job, except for when they don’t, but I’m still responsible and I have to make sure the systems are working and there’s. I am giving it to them, but not a hundred percent.

Like I’m also the final say on it, 

Client: and there is an expectation of them having an ability I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know what a doctor knows, but it is my body and I have the final say in that, like you just said.

Todd: Yeah. Or like the method or the approach, like like for accounting, like I may want this to be. More automated. I want this system to talk to this. And so I may do the research on what systems will talk, if they’ll talk together, right? But I’m still gonna let them do the actual, putting the accounting in the right place, doing all the numbers and all that.

Client: And ultimately, if they do make an error and you don’t catch it, then the agency that manages the taxes. [00:21:00] It’s gonna catch it. And you’re still responsible for it’s 

Todd: come. If it’s gonna come to me, I’m gonna pay that bill, not them. 

Client: I’m still respond. It’s my body that’s, it’s like I didn’t just give my body over to these people and say, here, fix it.

I did. 

Todd: Yeah. That’s exactly the point here. Exactly.

Client: They perform flawlessly. It’s fixing, yeah. We don’t know to, yeah, I’m making it, everything’s fine. And it’s looks like, it’s staying that way. So 

Todd: this is like giving them the responsibility, but not just saying, okay, I’m done. Put the camper on remote on, on cruise control and then go back and make a sandwich, 

Client: self driving body.

But I can. I can respect their expertise. 

Ask for their input, and in the absence of being able to reach them, [00:22:00] activate the backup plan. 

Todd: That’s it. 

Client: And then there’s nothing. It’s no, there 

Todd: know their limitations, right? They have limitations, but they also have expertise. So use the expertise, work around the limitations.

Client: And still be responsible. 

Todd: And be responsible. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. Because I, I am, I’m still responsible. I still get to make the final decisions anyway. And then and sometimes when I have. Just surrendered to their recommendation. It’s come out extremely well. They’re batting really high as far as the success rate’s concerned, and their advice is really good.

But, and sometimes I don’t listen to my inner voice that tells me, Hey, you know what, maybe that’s not gonna work, and that would be a good time for me to bring that up rather than wait until it doesn’t work. 

Todd: Yeah, exactly. 

Client: Okay. 

Todd: That these things help to keep it from going too far in one extreme, very wrong before very [00:23:00] right.

And it may happen anyway, but these are some ways to manage that. But if things do go very wrong before they go right, how is that still not a terrible thing? 

Client: It’s. The fact that it does go right eventually is what makes it so that it works, exactly. And I even told my doctor, I met with her today and I told her, I, I wanna start out by letting you know, it turned out okay, but now I’m gonna tell you what I did.

We need to have better communication. And she was grateful that I told her that there was a breakdown. And it was internal in her office, but, and also. Makes me feel as if I, just experiencing this gives me some more confidence in my intuition about when I should say something. 

Because it was a thought at the beginning that, that there might be something other than a steroid that would be helpful and I just shoot [00:24:00] it off because, yeah. And so I can be more responsible for. Listening to my inner voice and even at least voicing it,

Todd: yeah. That inner voice also sits on your board of directors, so it has to have a microphone to speak as well.

Yep. 

Client: Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, thank you. Any other turnarounds before we go? Things shouldn’t have to go so very wrong before they go.

Client: My mind shouldn’t have to go so wrong before it starts thinking, right? 

Todd: What does that mean here for you? 

Client: It means that I go right to blaming someone else.

Something went wrong, it’s not my fault. This is the first thing I hear. And then I try to look for evidence that it wasn’t my fault, that it was someone else’s fault. And then I’m mad at them and eventually I come around ’cause I’ve done enough of the work. But it still goes there first. So I’ll probably do it 

Todd: right 

Client: on that one too.

The backup plan. [00:25:00] 

Todd: The work is The backup plan. 

Client: Yeah.

I’ve got pages and pages of, yeah, I can see why you were doing it. The breakfast club and everything. It’s let’s knock this stuff out. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, my mind doesn’t need to go. Very wrong before it goes right? Yeah. And I can just trust that. 

Todd: And of course if it does, no big deal if my mind goes wrong before it goes right.

That is what the work is for. That’s why we have this and. It’s the way it works. If we did, if the mind didn’t go wrong there, you the work wouldn’t even work. It would, there would be like, oh, everything’s great, so don’t need the work. That 

Client: everything is great. 

Todd: Yeah. And the thing is, when things go wrong, generally speaking or with the work is it’s, that’s what I learn a lot.

Yeah. I think [00:26:00] that’s when it starts to. I get into another level of understanding whatever system I’m working on, when things go wrong. 

Client: It does pro it, it’s a catalyst to looking for an improvement. 

Todd: That’s right. 

Client: That’s right. And there are times, and that is another thing to look at.

There are times when it’s not broken, don’t mess with it. 

But there’s always a way to look at something from the, a better perspective. Yeah. How you implement it. If I just stop taking everything I am proud of the fact that I said, okay, I guess I’m going to look, and I was surprised to see that level of medicine recommending CBD oil.

Yeah. To me I, in that I was like joyous. Here’s. Here’s the, the the establishment saying this is a viable alternative, and in fact we recommend that you do it. And yeah. 

Todd: Another thing [00:27:00] just in closing on this is the idea of very wrong and right are completely subjective. 

Judgements, right?

That’s what our mind makes it. Oh, that was very wrong. And now the solution is very right. But if the mind is really open, then very wrong, is not off and very right, is not. Amazing. It just is what it is. It’s 

Client: just what is, 

yeah. Because I had that, I had a very severe allergic reaction to something that lasted a very long time that I was treating, and I’m past that allergic reaction, but having the allergic reaction, the medication that I took and reacted to, still did its job.

In spite of the allergic reaction. So it solved the problem it was meant to. And so it didn’t do it. Instead of solving the problem, it did it anyway. So it’s oh, maybe there’s, [00:28:00] there’s some good things behind the problems that we’re complaining about. Maybe not just change it ’cause there’s a problem, but really look to see the specific of the problem.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: And not change the part that is working. 

Todd: Otherwise, we’re just labeling the whole thing as very wrong, but actually that very wrong thing may have saved my life, or a very wrong thing. It might added, it was a 

Client: tiny part of the whole, 

Todd: yeah. 

Client: Oh, okay. Thank you very much.

Todd: Yeah, thank you. If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one we heard just now. Then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page. And there you can see the schedule of sessions coming up. We usually do one once a week. You can also sign up to be a participant and you can.

Then join in to ask your questions about the work. Bring up anything where you got stuck with the work, any doubts about the work, [00:29:00] as well as it’s an opportunity to do the work for me do the work with me for free. So check all that out at the work as meditation.com and then open sessions. While you’re there I also encourage you to check out my book called Finding the Door to Inquiry, and this book is written with the idea in mind that.

Sometimes finding the stressful thought to question is half the battle when doing the work. And so this book gives lots of tips and ideas of how to identify what’s really bothering you in any particular situation. And it focuses especially on using the judge your neighbor worksheet, how to find a judge your neighbor worksheet.

In any situation. So if you’re interested, go to the work as meditation.com and then go to go to the footer. You’ll find a book link or under the products page. You’ll also find Finding the Door to Inquiry. [00:30:00] Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called How to Hold Someone Who Is Angry.

Anger, like heat is easier to hold when it’s not contained. How to hold someone who is angry. You may find it easier to hold someone when they’re sad, confused, or even frustrated, but when it comes to anger, it can often feel like too much to hold because there is so much intensity and blame in the anger.

I’ve often experienced feeling contempt. When I see anger, I’m quick to judge it. After all. Blame and impatience are bad. It’s an old religion of mine, but in reality, holding someone who is angry is no different than holding someone in any other state of mind except for one thing. If anger triggers you, if anger does indeed trigger you, you may find it [00:31:00] impossible to hold someone who is angry.

Let’s look a little closer at this. Angry people need understanding. When someone is angry, he or she is probably in need of love and support. But if it’s not given in just the right way, it will be rejected, and that anger which was focused on someone else may get turned on you. This possibility can be very scary.

So what exactly does an angry person need? In my experience, the main thing an angry person needs is to vent and just be heard. Anger arose because they didn’t get what they wanted or because they felt invaded in some way. Anger is the reaction to this. Wanting to use force and fire to expand again after being forced somehow to contract.

That fire is already activated and it may need to just be allowed to be for a while until it can start to [00:32:00] dissipate. Anger is an outward pushing emotion. An angry person needs to feel that the listener offers no further resistance to that outward movement. They need to feel that they’re allowed to be angry.

Any attempt to root out the anger or get rid of it will be met with more anger. But won’t this burn out of control? The fear is that anger will spread uncontrollably if it is not contained. This is only true if there are other flammable materials around to burn. If I’m trying to stop their anger, my frustration in not being able to do so will make me angry too.

This is how the fire spreads, but if I don’t need them to stop being angry and I’m clear that they just need to express that anger for a while, there’s nothing in me to catch fire. I am non-flammable. [00:33:00] How to be non flammable. Are there any ways to become less triggered by anger? Here are some interesting options.

First question. Your desire to stop their anger. Doing the work of Byron Katie On thoughts like, I want him to calm down, or I want him to see it’s not that bad, or he shouldn’t be angry, et cetera. Can open new ways of understanding. When I see how understandable it is that he is angry, then I can be truly there for him and it doesn’t mean I have to join him in his anger.

Secondly, question your beliefs about anger using the work of Byron Katie. Question any beliefs that you bring about anger, for example, anger is toxic. Blaming is bad. Anger is contagious. Anger is never justified. If I listen to the anger, I have to [00:34:00] agree with it. I will be sucked in. I can’t validate his anger.

You’re not supposed to express anger. These fears and assumptions often change dramatically when they’re questioned. And finally, question your own angry thoughts. If you’re triggered by anger, write your angry thoughts about the angry person on a judge. Your neighbor worksheet. This is your anger at work.

Notice other times when you’re angry, even a little in any situation, doing the work on any situation that causes you anger will not only give you compassion for those who get angry, but it may also make you less triggered by anger in general. If it’s too much. Working on anger can be a process. If you’re called to hold someone with their anger and it’s too much for you, there is nothing wrong in simply stating that truth and giving them space Without you there, [00:35:00] this is the time to exit and do some work on the stressful thoughts coming up for you.

Instead,

whose business is their anger? Another person’s anger is not my business. I especially try to stay in my business around someone who is angry. They’re going to be very sensitive to that. Sure, they could work through their anger quicker if they question their stressful thoughts about the situation. Doing the work would be great, but only if and when they decide to do it from their side suggesting that they do the work may also be taken as a desire to control or change them.

The same goes with sharing any wisdom, tips. Who would I be without any need to change their anger? I would be free, available, kind, patient, and understanding. These [00:36:00] are all the qualities necessary to hold someone who is angry.

Ready to write some worksheets if you wanna see what anger can teach you your own anger or someone else’s anger. Join me for the work 1 0 1 my in-depth online course for going deeply into self-inquiry. We go meditatively through several Judge your neighbor worksheets in the course, and anger is a favorite topic.

Bring your situation. Let’s bring your situations and let’s explore together. And here’s a quote from Byron Katie’s book, loving. What is to take it a step further. Can you really know that you feel hurt because Paul is angry? Is Paul’s anger actually causing your hurt? Might it be possible for you in another frame of mind to stand there in the full blast of Paul’s anger [00:37:00] and not experience it personally at all?

What if you could simply listen calmly and lovingly receiving whatever he says after inquiry. That was my experience.