How Recognizing ‘It’s Just a Thought’ Aids Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People

Client: Yeah, I could probably talk about, uh, um, I mentioned earlier, well, before we come on, um, about my sleep, uh, waking up at four and having all these, having thoughts coming in and, uh,

um. It just seems that, uh,

being, uh, when I become, it’s, I’m really, uh, I see, how am I saying this when I do the work and looking at question three and four, who would I be without the thought? Who would I be with the thought? Who would I be without the thought? Um, [00:05:00] I’m starting to think of that more in my life. So when a thought comes up.

Uh, it seems a little more, it seems more real of, oh, this is a thought. And then of course along with that it comes, what do I, how, how do I react or what do I believe when I believe that thought? And, um,

it just seems, uh. It seems, and then who would I be without it? I mean, it really helps me see, okay, do I want, uh, I question this thought, is this something in the past? A lot of times, yeah. Okay. Or is it in the future? And then I, um, and able to see that it’s just a thought has a lot of power, and who would I be without it?

So it, it helps me. Um, uh, also I think, you know, I wanna be in the present. Not going this past and [00:06:00] future. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but it’s, um, and it’s even possible, but at least the more I focus on it, it seems like it comes up even more. And I notice, like when I sleep, uh, around four o’clock, around that time, four or five, uh.

I wake up with all these thoughts just coming and, um, sometimes, um, in the past I’ve read, I’ve read a lot of books because not a lot of books about it, but just a lot of not, uh, fiction books or whatever. And I’m realizing now that, um. Uh, that when I, um, read the books, when I read a book, what that is doing is just, um, it’s almost like, uh, I kind of equate it to, let’s say if you take a shot, I dunno, a shot of whiskey or, um, whatever you do, eat a, uh, a hamburger.

I’m not anything wrong with [00:07:00] cheeseburgers, but, you know, eat a donut, whatever. Um, it’s kind of takes, it takes kind of. Ame, just, it kind of a swats the situation and it kind of fades this heavy thinking thought. Um, so what I’ve been doing, uh, lately, uh, well, like last, you know, I, I’ve been doing it for a while and then I just had to start reading, reading again, and I kind of had to, uh, just to kinda give myself a break.

But I’m back at it now and, uh, I tell you, you know, I’m laying there and I just, these thoughts kind of pop up. Um. And, uh, I, I mentioned, I kind of see is this in the past, again, I don’t need, you know, I really trying to bring myself to the present. Uh, I just wanna really focus on what’s present and it gives me a lot of peace when I, I can just almost feel my body relax and, uh, but I just notice that, um, the more I think of my, when I see my thoughts, [00:08:00] the more it actively happens.

And, uh, as mentioned, um, it’s just like a bunch of monkeys, you know, and yeah, kind of tires me. I’m tired.

Todd: We’ve been up since four, so you’ve been up since four, I assume. So

Client: after that kind of drift on and off, you know, I kind of get into the space, you know, where I’m relaxed and I’m just present and then I’ve drift off and then I. You know, wake up again with something else and, um, yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: I haven’t done any work on something like this

to look at.

Todd: Well, it sounds like it’s, it’s more of something that you’re noticing. Yeah, I’m noticing it. Some things are like, when I find a stressful situation and I find a stressful thought and I question that, that that’s when I do the work. But [00:09:00] sometimes I just notice things and, and it sounds like that’s what you’re doing is just noticing how, how in many cases, there’s just a.

What you’re thinking is actually just a thought, and it’s a thought about the past or it’s a thought about the future, but it’s, it’s just a thought and um, that kind of. Awareness or that ability to notice often grows as you practice this work of Byron Katie, because we’re in the constant practice of noticing what is the effect of this thought.

What is the thought that’s bugging you in that situation and what, how does it affect you? What does it feel like? What do you, how do you react? And then who would you be without it? And you start to get a sense of what’s a thought and what’s, um. What’s not. And, and as that becomes clearer, it, it becomes easier to notice these things and, and there’s less of a need to run away from them or to [00:10:00] cover them or to kind of pacify yourself, you know, in, in this case, by reading, or it could be by eating, or it could be by drinking, or it could be any kind of distraction.

Um, and. As you get into this, like as you start seeing that it’s just a thought and it becomes interesting and you want to learn more, like you start actually looking and going into what you would normally run away from, which would be stress or stressful thinking or any kind of thing that is uncomfortable.

Now, if something uncomfortable comes up, you know? Of course part of me wants to run away, but part of me is like, Hmm, what’s going on in here? This could be interesting. What’s, what’s up? And uh, ultimately it’s me believing something. Me believing a thought, me having a thought, and most often it’s me. I projecting some past thing onto the present or imagining some future thing, [00:11:00] which is also kind of linked to the past, onto the present, and I’m scaring myself or getting angry or getting frustrated, or getting sad or having some emotional reaction based on.

Some previous experience or something that I’m, that’s not actually here. So just seeing that, like that’s an awareness that comes, um, just kind of as a byproduct of doing the work. And one of my favorite things about the work is that it, it itself is a beautiful little practice. You know, four questions, turnarounds, very kind of structured practice, but it cultures the nervous system.

To be able to just spontaneously, uh, see through things. And so you don’t, uh, you don’t always do the work in formal, uh, in a formal way, uh, on everything that, uh, that comes up. But you often do see through [00:12:00] it in a, in a very real way, in a real, without much effort. So culture is a kind of a habit in the mind of, of noticing the difference between reality and a thought.

And, and noticing how the thought carries me away out of the present and brings all kinds of stress and ups and downs and, and the reality is just pretty simple. It’s right here. You know, I’m, I’m comfortable, I’m lying in bed, just dozing and or, or awake and. I’m reviewing some interesting thoughts that are coming through, but they’re just thoughts.

So that’s awareness. That’s awareness. That’s a really great thing. Um, and I was saying to you earlier, which I still love this idea, is that we’re not used to, um, you know, we’re used to pushing our thoughts away, at least the, on the stressful thoughts. And so those thoughts. They get louder and louder because they’re trying to get our attention [00:13:00] and trying to tell us something.

And we’re saying, no, no, not now. Not now, not. Please don’t. Don’t bother me. And so they just get louder and louder and busier and busier. But when you turn towards them and start actually listening and inviting, even the stressful thoughts and saying, Hey, what are you trying to tell me? What’s really going on?

There’s a relief that starts to happen inside those stressful thoughts and start inside that thinking. It’s like, oh, she’s interested. You know, she wants to hear. And so they may start talking more just because they finally have someone who’s listening. But my experience, as I continue listening genuinely to my thoughts and questioning them and seeing the whole big picture, they start getting.

A feeling of trust. Those thoughts that there are being heard, they’re being listened. They’re not being shunned or pushed [00:14:00] away, and so they actually start becoming quieter because I’m actually dealing with the things that they’re bringing my attention to. And so that’s this process of, of paying attention to stress as a way of, of, in a way quieting the mind.

It may it active. The process, but overall we’re dealing with things rather than pushing them aside. So yeah, it’s pretty cool stuff.

Client: So if you look at something where, um, um, you see it’s something in the past and four o’clock in the morning, it’s like, um, sometimes. I guess maybe I’m discounting it, but I’m just saying, you know, this is just a thought coming up and I don’t deal with it right there. But, um, you know, it’s that line of looking at it, saying it’s in the past, um, [00:15:00] and also questioning it at a different time, you know, and sometimes, yeah,

Todd: if it needs more attention,

Client: nothing really serious, they’re just busy stuff.

Todd: Yeah, I mean, like, you can’t question every thought ’cause there’s a million thoughts. They’re just always coming all the time. But, um, the short version and the light version is just noticing like, just like you were doing, noticing, oh, that’s just from the past, or, oh, that’s just a thought. Or, um, something like that just gives you some distance on it.

And that may be enough. But there’s some thoughts that that isn’t enough for. ’cause I’m really, they’re really sticky and I’m really, really kind of caught on them and my mind just keeps circling around it. Then that’s what the formal practice of the work of Byron Katie is great for because it just gives you a chance to write the thought down, get it out on paper, um, [00:16:00] and then go through the systematic way of questioning and then finding turnarounds and.

That can give a lot of extra aid to, um, loosening the, the thought that is kind of stuck going around in a, in a little circle like that. Right. So, yeah. But both things are great. Nothing, uh. You know, nothing wrong with just noticing and sometimes that watching a thought, just kind of say, thank you for hearing me, and off it goes and, and you’re kind of left in peace.

Or sometimes it takes a little more thorough examination and, and turnarounds and a little more time and meditation to loosen the thought that is gripping you.

Thank you. So anyone have any other, uh, [00:17:00] thoughts or, uh, things that you would like to think about? Um, or does anybody wanna do a little piece of work? We have time.

Client: Um, you know, um, I have been doing a lot of work on my, uh, stepson and, um, he’s been working at our place for a couple times a week for four hours, uh, until he gets a job or, um, and, uh. It’s been a real learning experience and it just feels like the last couple months there’s really been a turnaround, uh, in me, uh, in our relationship.

It’s softer and, um, yeah, I mean, I could feel it in me [00:18:00] and, uh. What’s interesting, um, is, uh, because he’s, you know, reformed well, he’s, you know, reformed meth addict and, you know, different things that he got, he’s been involved in and I had a lot of judgment on that. And, you know, during the work it, I mean, I can really see that he was or is a learning experience for me and how.

And since then, you know, ’cause I just thought, well, he’ll be doing this for, you know, a while and he is just never gonna get his driver’s license, whatever, you know, it’s up to him and all that. And, uh, um, there’s some things that has been shifted in him, I noticed. And he, um, has started working for the first time and years.

I couldn’t tell you how many. I know. Five, six, whatever. And it’s just, uh, kind of blows me away. It’s almost like, okay. I’ve learned enough stuff or whatever, and, and he’s, I don’t know, it’s [00:19:00] just, it’s really neat to see, uh, my fe attitude towards him and, um, my support towards him. I mean, it’s really been a, a change and some of it, you know, is more conscious and others just kind of pops up and I’m just going, oh, you know, I’m acting differently towards him.

And it feels really, you know, it’s a softness.

Todd: Yeah, that’s beautiful. That’s, that’s my, my favorite thing about doing the work is that there’s a softness that comes in and it’s, it happens, uh, gradually. It also happens quite quickly. Uh, but it’s a, it’s a shift in the feeling towards somebody and towards the way I’m seeing them and it.

Uh, it, first of all frees me, but it also opens me to see, uh, how they’re growing and how they’re evolving. Um, [00:20:00] and, you know, like. If I’m not doing the work, like I imagine myself in your situation, I’m not doing the work on him, and then he gets a job. I, my old thinking is, oh, he’s just an addict. He’s never going to really, uh, do anything.

This job’s not gonna last. Like, I’m actually kind of like, uh, discounting any kind of growth that he may actually be. Experiencing. And so I’m just stuck in my little story of like, I know him, he is never gonna mount to anything, or he is just an addict, or you know, like mm-hmm. And so I’m like stuck in this little thing and no matter what he does, he can never win.

And I think I. You’ve probably experienced the other side of where somebody’s judged you as being something. Yeah. And there’s just no way to win against that because they just have this story about you. And that’s the way it is and, and it’s frustrating. But [00:21:00] imagine if that person was doing the work and the same way you’ve been doing the work on your stepson and they started having a softening of their.

View of you, and they started actually seeing more than just, uh, whatever limited view they had of you. It starts to have this little feedback loop going where like, oh wow. Okay. They actually, I. They are actually kind of proud of me or kind of, uh, maybe not even proud, but like, just seeing something more than just me as an addict or me as a, a limited person.

And then you kind of wanna do more and then it, it can come from inside, but it also gets bounced off of this person with an open mind and suddenly, uh, things can really start to, to open and shift. So me doing my work, even though I’m not. Telling the other person about it, even though I’m not, um, actually [00:22:00] doing anything active other than just changing the way I see somebody and feeling a softer way towards them is a huge nourishment for them.

Yeah, it’s a huge gift for them. Um. Then on top of whatever they’re already doing, uh, on, on their own. So yeah, it’s a funny how this quiet little internal process actually is an amazing, uh, support and gift to those around us. And relationships change. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Um, when you do this, so beautiful.

Client: Yeah, it really is. Uh, it’s just amazing how, uh, I almost think like when I started changing. Towards him. I don’t know, almost seemed like it happened together, but it almost probably me changing and he picked up on it and vice versa. Kept feeding. Uh, but I never, yeah, it’s amazing. It often

Todd: happens like that.

Yeah. [00:23:00] It is, it is. So, you know, Byron Katie has a little book called Question Your Thinking Change the World. Mm-hmm. And I like that title because it’s, there’s actually a lot of truth to it. Yeah. Um, as I question my thinking, the world around me actually changes, not just my world internally, that changes too, but the actual physical world and people in it, um, changes too.

’cause. Everything does better in a softer environment. If I’m in a, if I’m a really hard person, then people are going to not flourish around me. But when I’m softer and loving and open and, and open-minded, there’s a lot of, of, of, yeah, flourishing that can happen around me, and yeah, so that’s side benefit of doing the work.

I find my peace. And lo and behold, other people find, find their way as well. It’s not [00:24:00] like I’m responsible for it, but I’m, I’m not interfering with it anymore. You know, when I’m stressed, right? I’m interfering with our other people’s evolution. I’m kind of holding them back in a way, but when I’m less stressed, then I’m out of their way and there’s not anything that’s going on between us.

That is just blocking them from listening to themselves doesn’t mean that it’s like a miracle and then, you know, you just do your work and everything just changes around you. It is not, it’s not a hundred percent true either, but it is. There’s a lot of truth to it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it’s love Barron, Katie [00:25:00] Oven says, love is the power. I think that’s a great way of saying, it says, when I’m not stressed, there’s more love flowing in me. Just so that’s what that softness is. There’s more, there’s more love. We wouldn’t, we don’t always call it love, but it’s, it is, it’s a, it’s a softening.

That radiates out around me, and that is a powerful, powerful thing. Yeah,

Client: yeah, yeah. I noticed that in one of, uh, the turnarounds, most of my turnarounds. Um, when I have, um, to myself, uh, I’m shunning myself or, um, that, um.

You know, when I find compassion with myself, I mean, it’s, you know, I, yeah. When I find compassion with myself, um, it just seems [00:26:00] to, um, open my mind, uh, you know, the, the self, how much, um, it comes down to me. Uh. Uh, with my turnarounds when I’m doing to the self, how important that is for me to really see, um, how whatever I think they’re doing to me, I’m doing it to myself.

And that’s pretty powerful.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Um, makes me really, I’m realizing more how much I need or how much I want to and need to, um, um, be loving with myself first instead of. Trying to get it from the outside first.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: And compassion or whatever.

Todd: When I have compassion for myself, when I’m, when I’m accepting of myself and I’m okay with myself, um, then it’s natural for me to be more compassionate towards [00:27:00] others.

Yeah. And to be more loving towards others. I can’t help it like the same, it’s the same muscle. So when I’ve, when I’ve. C that I am okay the way I am and that, that I can still, uh, be understanding of myself when I’m not perfect and when I can be, um, yeah, gracious to myself. Then I end up being that way with other people as well.

It’s just only natural.