How to Let Go of the Fear of Looking Incompetent: Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People Feeling Judged

Client: Um, I ha I would like to do the work on this. It comes with some curiosity too, because. When I felt the stress that was, um, coming from this situation, it felt really out of proportion. And there was, there was a lot of thoughts, but one main one was like, this shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it is. And, um, and then I couldn’t quite distill down what the thought even is like I felt.

Embarrassed and shamed and or shame. And, um, and it [00:04:00] was, it was hard for me to, to get to the thought. And, um, so, so the, the best, like the, where I ended up getting after a few days was the thought that they don’t like the book. And so the situation is just that I’m in a book club and we. Suggest books and then we, and then everybody votes on them.

And so the book that I suggested last month, um, was put up with multiple other books to be voted on. And they voted on the book that I, that I, uh, you know, that I suggested. And, um, and I started, we all started reading it and I was really liking it. And then I looked on the Facebook page for the book club.

Forum and the host of the book club posted and said, every, like, several people are saying how [00:05:00] difficult this book is and they don’t like it, and let’s just get through it and we’ll have a lot to talk about as far as what we don’t like about it next month. And then there were multiple comments from several people kind of making, like two of them were making fun of the book, um, or things about the book.

Um, if I hear the word authentic self one more time, I’m gonna throw up and, and then, um, just like I return the book after reading it for 10 pages and that’s when I could feel I’m reading these comments and I feel as though my identity is attached to this book that I like. I was embarrassed. And so I couldn’t quite understand.

Yeah. So I guess there’s, I, there’s also a question in here is like, I felt the feeling more so than, than I could even find the thought. And I [00:06:00] one wondered about that and then I was wondering if we could work on the thought.

Todd: Yeah, sure. Okay. So, um, I think, I think you’ve got pretty close there. They didn’t, they don’t like the book could be a great one to question.

Client 2: Okay.

Todd: Um, it can even get more personal if that works. Sometimes it’s like, uh, there, like what is it about the book that you identify with? Like what’s the more personal version of it? They don’t like the book. Mm-hmm. And that versus something even more close. I don’t know.

Client: Ooh, yeah. That takes me to, Hmm.

Yeah, it’s ki it’s, it’s pretty nebulous. But, but when you said that I felt, [00:07:00] uh, shame or, and or embarrassment around. That my set of beliefs are being made fun of. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That, that, that I’m a joke that, that my beliefs are a joke that that’s, that I’m identifying with these beliefs and that I’m looked at as a joke.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So it’s not just the book, but it’s your beliefs. That’s like one step closer. To why this feels really, um, stressful. Uh, if it was just a book one thing, but I mean, that’s implied in your first statement. We can easily work with that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But it could be like they, they think my beliefs are a joke or something like that.

Are they? Mm-hmm. Um, yeah. What are they doing on a. [00:08:00] On a personal level, on an emotional level to you, when they don’t like the book.

Client: Um, there’s a couple places my mind is going to me, it, I mean, it’s more that I feel. On one hand, I feel misunderstood. And then there’s just this, this shattering of an ego where I, I thought, um,

maybe I thought I was gonna be, that I was viewed or going to be viewed as like. [00:09:00] This sort of, I don’t know how to even like intelligent or this information was maybe more new to them and, and I would be attached to that. Like they, they would be grateful that mm-hmm. I brought this book in. Mm-hmm. I’m so embarrassed.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. I’m like even embarrassed right now saying this out loud. Yeah. It’s just so hidden.

Todd: That you’re getting clo like whenever I feel that that kind of embarrassment or like that the emotion gets stronger as I’m looking, I know I’m getting closer to what’s really bothering me, you know? Yeah, yeah.

There’s some, yeah. So, uh, I want them to be grateful, uh, uh, for me, you know, sharing this book, basically. Yeah. What are you wanting them to do? What were you originally wanting them to do to. To you, how were you wanting them to see you when you shared this book and, and they loved it as you imagined.

Client: Mm-hmm.[00:10:00]

I wanted them to see me as, as a wise teacher.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: exactly.

Todd: So that’s, that’s now we’re getting even underneath the, they don’t like the book. There’s these other pieces of it, and that’s these that sometimes worth taking the time to just explore some of these. Um, so

Client: yeah,

Todd: and there could be more, but this is, I’d say. Right in there. Um, mm-hmm. And judging by your embarrassment, that sounds like it’s, uh, it’s like very close, so.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: You want them to see you as a wise teacher. Is it true?

Client: Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true. [00:11:00] You want them to see you as a wise teacher.

Client: Yes, it’s true coming from that part.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. That sometimes also is a nice. Confirmation that I found the thought that’s really bothering me when it’s a yes and another yes for questions one and two.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think I want them to see me as wise, uh, sorry. See me as a wise teacher and they don’t like the book and they’re joking about it and all of that.

Client: Oh, wow. Yeah, I see [00:12:00] images. I thi this is a group of people that I used to do competitive long distance running with, and I stepped out of that, out of that, um, competitive athletic sport. And, um, so I.

I still want value in the group. Um, so I’m seeing

a pandering. I want, I want, yeah, I’m seeing this. There’s a loss. I feel loss, I feel, um, embarrassed. I feel I. Like, I’m not valued or seen,

seen in a way that I, that I would attach to value. I’m not seen, I’m not, that’s not [00:13:00] there. Um, physically it’s, it’s tight in my upper belly, throughout my chest, all the way up the vagus nerve, like into the neck. It just feels like a tight ball, a tight knot.

I feel sad.

Yeah. Just there’s grief, I feel, I feel a loss. Of what? Of connection.

Todd: What are the images of what you think you would’ve had? Um, if they hadn’t thought this book was, they didn’t like it, what are those, what are those images you were imagining? Maybe fantasizing of what it would be like if they really loved it.

Client: Yeah. I see [00:14:00] us at the book club and all these eyes looking at me with like, in an admiring way, admiration and, um.

And looking up to me, um,

I see

that there’s certain people in the group. I, I see them looking at me impressed. They, they’re impressed and they’re, um, they’re proud of me.

I, there’s, there’s this piece of me that just wanted to feel like a little bit superior, um, and be looked at that way. Ah

Todd: hmm. Yeah. I love your, wow, [00:15:00] your courage in just naming it, you know, this is, this is, yeah. This is real work. Yeah, so thank you for your honesty.

And how do you treat them? Once they show you they don’t like the book, how do you treat them when you are thinking that you want them to see you as wise as a wise teacher?

Client: What comes up is I, so I added a comment and, and said I, that I was embarrassed ’cause I was the one that introduced the book. And then I, and then I added in the comment, um, I like [00:16:00] the book, although it’s nothing really new for me. So there, there again, that second part is me sort of.

Continuing to grasp onto that, like, oh, I already knew all this stuff. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, it doesn’t feel authentic. So there’s still an, uh, an authentic part of me that, that is showing up still sort of that pandering, like trying to, to maintain, um. A sense of of of being wise, being intelligent, being the teacher.

Todd: Right. Right.

And what are the emotions you felt when they seemed not to like the book and your [00:17:00] thinking? I was wishing they would see me as a wise teacher.

Client: Hmm.

Yeah, just like let down just that, that embarrassment is so strong in, in, um,

like in my upper belly.

I just, I feel like I wanna shrink and hide.

Todd: And how do you treat yourself, treat yourself when they’re not liking it, but you’re wanting them to see you as a wise teacher? I.[00:18:00]

Client: Wow. Myself is gone. Like I am not even present there. Yeah. So I’m abandoning myself. I forgot about myself. Um, I’m forgetting. Yeah, it’s a, I forget, I’m forgetting myself and I’m, um, and then what comes a little bit later is this shouldn’t be bothering you. There’s a voice that comes in like, this really shouldn’t be bothering you this much, Kristen.

Let it go. Let it go. Like what? Come on. Like, it’s like trying to like force it to force myself to feel better.

Todd: Yeah. So it’s, [00:19:00] it’s like you, yeah. It’s like a subtle kind of attack of mm-hmm. I shouldn’t even be feeling this. Um,

Client: yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Okay. So imagine. That the same thing happens, the you recommend the book, they try it out, and there’s all these comments. Doesn’t seem like anybody’s liking it. You’re just gonna get through it. But imagine throughout that you didn’t have any thought that you want them to see you as a wise teacher. Who would you be going through this whole thing?[00:20:00]

Client: Huh? Yeah, there’s.

It is more like, this is just information. This is, there’s almost like a, like a, um, excitement’s too strong of a word, but there’s, there’s a drawing into it. There’s with curiosity and, and, um, like an interest. Around

me learning that not everybody aligns with that language and those, those concepts and beliefs or cares about ’em. Um, and that, that like, there’s just, um, it’s not even acceptance. There’s just like neutrality around[00:21:00]

the reality, around the fact that. Yeah. That’s just not what some people find. Um, interesting. Yeah, and that’s actually helpful for, for me to know that, that, that, that it feels good. Like, it feels like, okay, I don’t need to go around the world, assuming that. Um, because I am a teacher in my workplace. Mm-hmm.

Right? So I don’t need to take that into, it’s like I see myself at work without an assumption that everybody. Wants to hear the words authentic self or trauma bond or these different kind of words that were coming up in the book that were triggering to other people. That’s good information for me to know.

Client 2: Mm-hmm.

Client: I could have more communication with, [00:22:00] I could be open that that isn’t aligned with people and that’s. It’s just like, it’s like, it’s like the experience is like I’m taking in that information and it’s just expanding me.

Todd: Right, right,

Client: right.

Todd: That’s you without this background story or desire for them to see you as a wise teacher.

You’re learning about them, learning about the, the world in a way. Um. Yeah. And emotionally, what’s the, what’s the main difference with and without the thought?[00:23:00]

Client: There’s curiosity. I don’t know if that’s an emotion, but there’s curiosity and then there’s um, there’s like a really subtle sense of relief. Hmm. Really subtle around, uh.

It’s like I’m giving up that. Okay. I don’t need to hang on to being the, the wise teacher of the group. Um,

which feels actually there’s a sense of freedom there. Cool.

Todd: So how would you turn the thought around? I want them to see me as a wise teacher.

Client: Yeah, we can go with, I don’t want them to see me as a wise teacher.

Todd: Okay. How could that be true? As true or [00:24:00] truer?

Client: Yeah. Continuing with that little sense of relief, um, I.

It takes pressure off, takes pressure off of me while I see myself sitting at the, the gatherings and I can take that hat off there. I can take off the wise teacher hat and just present.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Actually easier, actually. Probably more fun. Um,

Client: yeah.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: And then it’s, it’s like

I have the freedom to be, I. [00:25:00] To really be more whatever I wanna be in that moment. I was gonna say myself, but I don’t even know what myself is, but like whatever is happening in the moment, I’ll just, I just imagining myself responding or not responding or just being whatever I am naturally without that feeling like that lens is on me and I have to sort of match the lens.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Cool. So there’s some advantages to not having them see you as a wise teacher not having to play that role, especially when they don’t want it.

Client: Right? Yeah. Yeah. I see myself chiming in less. Mm-hmm. I don’t need to add a little comment to every little thing that takes it even further and adds a little, little teaching or something that.

Yeah. Um, [00:26:00] I feel like it’s beneficial to the group. I can just sit there silently and if I want to and let it be what it is.

Todd: Cool. Yeah. And what is your purpose in being with that group from, from a broad perspective, what, why are you a part of that group? Why do you want to be there? Besides being a wise teacher?

Client: Just the community aspect, like the, the connection with women is something that’s feels so good to me. Um, and then having accountability around finishing books. ’cause I’ve had a history of, of reading part of a book and then not finishing it. So that feels really good to have, um, a commitment. In a way to finishing a book.

Um, yeah, it’s [00:27:00] mostly just, it’s mostly just the gathering of, of community and a feminine, uh,

energy.

Todd: So Cool. So you can enjoy all of that still available for you, um, without this extra. Oh, I’ve gotta be a wise teacher on top of it.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: You’re part of the community. I don’t. So this is all coming under the turnaround. I don’t want them to see me as a wise teacher. Then you get to just be a part of the community.

Mm-hmm.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So what’s another turnaround? I want them to see me as a wise teacher.

Client: I want them to see me as. As a novice student,

Todd: I love it. Yeah.

Client: Or yeah, yeah, yeah.

Todd: So how could that be as true truer? You want them to see as a novice student,[00:28:00]

Client: these, these people are, I. I, I haven’t, um, spent a lot of time with them over the last few years and my life kind of went one way. Their life went another way, and they’re still really in the, the competitive and athletic world. And, um,

and it’s not people that I, the groups of friends, I have a lot of friends. I’m so grateful and lucky and even the place that I work. Are a more, a certain kind of people that align with my spiritual beliefs and all of that, and these ones are not. And so, um, one’s a, one’s a doctor and one’s a nurse practitioner and one’s like a CEO of a company.

And so there are these in the world. They, [00:29:00] they have these successful roles and, and so, um. Yeah, I can, I can really learn more about the world. I can learn about, um, the way they see even like western medicine or, or whatever their, their expertise are in places that haven’t really been of large interest to me.

Uh, naturally, but it could, who knows? Like, it, it leaves me sort of like, well, let’s see what happens mm-hmm. In this meeting tonight or, or whatever.

Todd: Yeah. Like a cultural exchange. You’re like learning things from their culture and whether they learn from you or not is, almost doesn’t matter, but.

Client: I [00:30:00] like that.

Yeah. Cultural exchange. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: Cool. So I want them to see me as a novice student, and when a novice student comes to a teacher, the teacher is usually very interested in sharing. So you may learn a lot if they see you that way.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So is there another turnaround? I want them to see me as a wise teacher.

Client: Similar to the one we just had. I want, I want to, but we could see if there’s more there. I wanna see them as a wise teacher.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it’s very similar, but it has a slightly different flavor. So what does that mean to you to see them? I. As a wise teacher, why would you [00:31:00] want to see them as a wise teacher?

How could you see them as a wise teacher?

Client: I’m listening when I put that lens on. I, I’m, I’m actually really listening and, and it’s a really different vibe than what I’ve been bringing in. I am sort of in the past, I see myself ready to insert something and have something where I just can’t wait to say it.

But when I come from that lens, I’m just open and I’m, I’m like a sponge and uh, it’s just a different way for me, which feels really nice actually.

Todd: What is the wisdom in them saying they don’t like that book? What can you learn from them, from their opinions, from their actions? Is there what? What can you glean?[00:32:00]

Client: Yeah. What’s coming to me is just people are drawn to different things and, and. It doesn’t, what I feel is like, it doesn’t mean anything about me. That what interests me and gets me excited and, and what I like to learn about that other people aren’t the same. It’s helping me realize that I do, I do that to other people.

I grew up in a, [00:33:00] in a religion, in the Mormon religion, and I, I, I have that toward some of my siblings and my parents like, like eye rolling sort of energy toward, toward some of their languaging around around religion and, um, yeah. And, and so I can see how this. Brings me into a place of truth where it’s more okay.

It’s just, it’s okay. I don’t have to be for or against, nor does anybody else have to be for or against sets of beliefs or wording and around certain concepts.

Todd: Yeah, so there’s wisdom in this situation. There’s wisdom. To be gained. And if you’re open to it, it’s there. [00:34:00] Yeah.

Client: Thank you.

Todd: Any other turnaround? I want them to see me as a wise teacher.

How about turning it all around to yourself?

Client: Hmm. I want me to see me as a wise teacher.

Todd: Yeah. To myself.

Client: To myself. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that’s interesting. It, it brings up almost like laughter in, in [00:35:00] like a nice, like a, just, um,

it feels like trust. I don’t know how that goes with laughter, but it, it’s, there’s like such a relief and just a hmm, like a deep understanding of,

I don’t know how to even use words around it, but like the oneness of it all.

Todd: Yeah. It’s beautiful. Yeah. And you found a cool book that. It spoke to you, so it’s like you’re, this is you sitting with yourself and a book, and you get to be your own teacher and go as deep with it as you want and enjoy the insights as much as you want.

It’s like being your own book club.

Client: Mm. Mm-hmm. [00:36:00] Yeah.

Todd: And they don’t have to be interested, right?

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So I want me to see me as a wise teacher of myself. I can teach myself anything if I’m interested. And there’s a million teachers I can borrow for a while in form of a book or in any form, but ultimately, I’m the one directing the curriculum.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: That’s cool. All right. Well thank you for your work.

Client: Thank you so much.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: thank you. Thank you everybody for. Just your loving awareness around all of this. Yeah. I don’t know. You and I just felt so safe with that embarrassment being held with love. Thank you.

Client 2: Now you’re actually being your authentic self.

Todd: Yeah.[00:37:00]

There’s theory and then there’s practice.

Client 2: The definition to it.

Yeah. And it was so recognizable. I mean, I, I also want that, I want them to see me as a wise teacher. Yeah. You’re not that I also, I

Todd: want people to see me as a wise teacher, you know? And such a trap. Such a trap, so stressful. That’s what we’re seeing here. It’s like that actually shuts me down and lets me, puts me out of touch with myself, which is, has its own source of wisdom.

I get out of touch with that. I can’t help it. It’s just a belief that I get attached to and then attack myself for. So all of it, so recognizable. Yeah. Thank you for doing this work.

Client 2: Thank.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the [00:38:00] work as meditation.com and go to my open sessions page. There you can see the upcoming schedule. You can learn about how it works and how to sign up. It’s a very nice, intimate place. For doing the work, for asking your questions, it’s limited to seven people per session, and I think you would enjoy being a part of it as it adds a new dimension to the experience.

One thing to listen, but it’s also even more to be right there, and if you have a question, you can ask your question or if you wanna jump in and do the work, you’re right there to do it. So while you’re at the work as meditation.com, you may also want to check out the virtual retreat schedule. Uh, the next.

Retreat coming up is the spring virtual retreat, and it’s a great way to spend a weekend going deeply into the work, getting a lot of practice, doing a lot of partner work, great place for asking all kinds of questions, and it’s a good way to. Give yourself a lot of experience of the [00:39:00] work in a very short amount of time.

So if you’re interested, go to the work as meditation.com and then virtual retreats. Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called, it’s so freeing not to believe that I have to be Competent.

I am a reasonably, reasonably competent photographer. But when I was a professional photographer for seven years, there was always a nagging anxiety that I have to be competent. That thought I have to be competent is a stressful thought. It has many facets. First of all, it is assuming that I’m not competent and that I should be competent, and it may also include thoughts like, I don’t know how to be more competent, or I can’t be more competent.

This can be a depressing or anxiety producing mix of thoughts. It’s an internal war with two opposing sides. I should be more competent [00:40:00] and I’m not more competent. In other words, I’m arguing with myself, which uses a huge amount of energy. This internal distraction quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as energy gets sucked out of productivity and put into worry and nervousness and self attack.

All of these thoughts can be questioned. I love to question the literal thoughts that are running through my mind, especially when they’re stressful. For this, I use a simple method of inquiry called the work of Byron Katie, or the work I would literally question, I have to be competent. Is it true I’m not competent?

I should be competent. Is it true? I don’t know how to be more competent. Is it true? I can’t be more competent and so on. When I do this work, I often find that what I thought was true is not actually true, and what I thought should happen is actually not necessary at all. [00:41:00] I’ve done a lot of questioning of stressful thoughts around being competent over the years using the work, and it has left me in a different space from where I was when I was a wedding photographer and a nature nature photographer.

And even in my beginning years of being a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, professionally, I used to put so much pressure on myself, and now I don’t because I don’t believe those thoughts anymore or rarely I do, but once had a dream I. I was sitting face to face with Byron Katie, the founder of the work, whom I look up to and admire for her clarity, honesty, and humility.

She’s also my teacher, which means that I sometimes put her in a position of authority in my mind, in the dream, she was looking directly at me and said something like, I sense a lot of non clarity in you. And later she said, you’re incompetent. Coming from my teacher and someone I respect, even in a dream.

This could have been devastating for me [00:42:00] if I were the, um, if I were the me before, um, I had questioned my thinking about being competent. If I was where I was before I did this work on being competent, I would’ve become defensive, pushing her away, reactive, et cetera. But somehow in that dream, I didn’t, and it surprised me.

Instead, I said something like. I’m totally incompetent and I’m unclear inside in so many ways. I just don’t believe anymore that I have to be competent. It felt so peaceful to simply be incompetent, exposed in whatever way I was exposed to her without a need to cover up without the thought. I have to be competent.

There was no shame, no disconnection. I love my job without this belief. In this space, I’m always learning, always open to becoming more competent in areas where I’m not competent, but there’s no fear in it, no shame in it, and no pressure in it. [00:43:00] I don’t make any claims this way and I don’t have expectations that I can’t live up to.

I literally don’t have to be competent. It is the most freeing way to run a business or to learn a sport or to work through any new challenge that life gives me. When I don’t expect myself to be competent, I can just be myself, learn how to do this, work yourself. No one can do it for you. It’s up for you, up to you to learn how to question your thoughts and to do so all it takes is an open mind to try it out.

I also find that the work of Byron Katie is a practice. That’s partly what I mean when I think of the work as a meditation. I’ve done the work nearly every day as part of my routine since 2007, and with practice it continues to deepen these thoughts pop in again and again in different situations, and each time it’s like a new layer of it gets addressed when I do the work.

If you wanna start a [00:44:00] practice of the work or just want to learn deeply how to do the work, then I invite you to participate in my online course, the Work 1 0 1, and we’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book Loving. What is question? What do you mean by Don’t be spiritual? Be honest instead, and Byron Katie answers.

What I mean is that it’s very painful to pretend yourself beyond your own evolution to live a lie. Any lie. When you act like a teacher, it’s usually because you’re afraid to be the student. I don’t pretend to be fearless. I either am or I’m not. It’s no secret to me.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, or post something on social media and leave a review for the podcast if you haven’t done so, wherever you listen. And also stop by the work as meditation.com and get my newsletter, participate in [00:45:00] open sessions like this, or join in the work one-on-one course, my Inquiry Circle course, virtual retreats.

And. Private sessions that I offer there, as well as the book Finding the Door to Inquiry. So if you’re interested, check all that out and more. There’s a lot of resources there at the work as meditation.com and thanks again for listening and until next time, have a wonderful week.