How to Release Blame After an Accident: Stress Management for the Highly Sensitive Person

Todd: [00:00:00] One area that almost everyone finds stressful at some point is the whole area or issue of money. And so to help address with, to help address this issue and to help you begin to. Identify the stressful thoughts that you can question in this regard. I’ve created a course along with Grace Bell called Living With Money, and in this course you’ll find about 18 hours of video with a group of people, which you’ll follow through the course, and I.

They share their experiences with money, their stressful thoughts. We lead you through a number of exercises to get you thinking about what stressful thoughts you can question, and in that process you can go through a lot of work on money. My experience is I’ve done a lot of work on money myself. My experience is it gets a lot less stressful.

I do the work on it, so I invite you to check out this Do it [00:01:00] yourself course. It’s called Living With Money and you can find it at the work as meditation.com.

Client: It really triggered me because I told her like, I don’t know, 20 seconds before it happened or 30 seconds before it happened to watch it and like to be careful and she didn’t do it. I feel like it is just like I’m really frustrated with her because she’s not like listening to my directions or 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around, and we use the work of Byron Katie.

If you’ve never heard of this system, it’s a simple way to identify the thoughts that you’re thinking whenever you’re feeling stressed, and then questioning those thoughts so that you can start to see a different point of view. I’m Todd Smith, and on the program [00:02:00] today, we do the work. A participant does the work on the statement she should pay attention.

And he’s dealing with his 13-year-old daughter and the situation where he had just said. Pay attention. And she what happened is the dog, dog’s foot got run over by a car. So in this kind of traumatic situation this participant brings a. Stressful thoughts that are bothering him and we question this, one of these thoughts, she should pay attention.

So it’s an interesting piece of work. I think you’ll enjoy it. And after that, we will go into one of my newsletter articles called The Work of Byron Katie is Forgiveness. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s just a simple, powerful way to question what you think. And this is the recording now of our latest weekly open session.

I’m sharing as always the [00:03:00] unedited recordings so that you can experience it just the way work is done completely ad-libbed and naturally.

Client: So I have this situation with my daughter. The last week we were coming to pick her up from school and she was like. Taking our dog and there was a car coming and an accident happened ’cause the car stepped over a foot of a dog because she wasn’t paying attention. So it really triggered me because I told her like, I don’t know, 20 seconds before it happened, or 30 seconds before it happened to watch it.

And to be careful and she didn’t do it, I feel like, so she’s I’m really frustrated with her because she’s not [00:04:00] like listening to my directions or

Yeah she’s just not paying attention. I guess I’ll be a good one to land on. Okay. Yeah. She should pay attention. 

Todd: Yeah, we can work on that. She should pay attention right. Okay, so is that true? She should pay attention?

Yes. And can you absolutely know it’s true. She should pay attention in that situation with the dog in the car and you.

Yes.

So how do you react? What happens when you think she should pay attention? And she obviously did not.[00:05:00] 

Client: I feel frustrated.

Can’t even, I’m sweating right now. Like I see like my body temperature goes up while I think about it. I. I feel disappointed.

I blame her in my mind for letting that happen and not being careful enough.

I can’t see how I start connecting that specific moment to like other things. Where she didn’t pay enough attention and she didn’t do what I thought she should be doing. So I start looking for like validation to all those thoughts and start connecting them.[00:06:00] 

I feel angry, I feel frustrated. I feel lost in a way. Because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to talk to her to make her understand.

Yeah, I feel disappointed.

And I think I just beat myself up because it’s like I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to make her listen and how to make her pay attention. So it’s like turning around to myself a little bit and. And just like blaming myself, if I made it happen in a way,[00:07:00] 

and I feel stuck in a loop, it’s it’s like I have no way out of it. It’s, I just have to deal with it, but I don’t want to, yeah, I want it. I want the reality to be different. In that case. 

Todd: And how are you treating her in addition to beating yourself up? How do you treat her when you think she should pay attention that she didn’t? 

Client: I put myself as

like mentally, I put a block, like a wall between me and her. I try to distance myself emotionally from her

to put some distance in between us,

and I try to [00:08:00] escape reality in a way. I just feel like my mind just goes away and I. It’s oh, I don’t wanna deal with it and I’ll just shut off, or something like that, or shut down in a way. And I just try to put all my attention on the dog because obviously that’s what it needs to go at that moment.

But more so because I don’t want to like deal with her in that moment and I judge her in my mind for. For what she did and not paying attention. And not being careful enough.

Yeah. And in that moment I feel like I can trust her,

so I just

feel like. I give up and I [00:09:00] just it’s almost like I don’t wanna try anymore. And it’s ugh it’s been enough. So I just just let it be what it is and just deal with the dog and keep going,

Todd: okay. Yeah. So who would you be without the thought? That she should pay attention.

Now the situation is you asked her to pay attention, she didn’t, and then the dog got hurt. So who would you be after that happened without this clinging to this belief that she should have paid attention?

Client: I would see it as an accident, actually, which is exactly what it [00:10:00] was.

It’s interesting because the way I was looking at it with the thought, it’s even though she didn’t do it that way, it’s almost in my mind, like if she pushed the thought and made that happen, when in reality that’s not the case. So without the thought. I can see it just as an accident. It’s like a very small road where only one car can just go by at the time, and,

and I can see that it’s not fully her fault. I can see the driver being at fault too, because. He saw us like he should have slowed down or even stop so he could have enough road to keep going or something.[00:11:00] 

I feel compassion for her.

She felt really bad after that happened. I. And I’m sure she blamed herself like a million times.

And I feel bad for her. Like I see her crying.

Yeah. And it’s almost like the guilt is.

It is not pointing out her anymore.

I could see that there could be other things that we could have done better, just like going a little bit more to the, towards the sidewalk,[00:12:00] 

but not specifically her, but all of us.

So I can see more of the picture. Like before I could only see her, the dog in the car. But now I can see like all of us just walking in that small road.

Todd: And what do you see when you look at yourself? Like before, you were saying you were beating yourself up when you thought she should pay attention and she didn’t, and you were not able to make her or didn’t know how to talk to her to make her understand who would you be towards yourself if you weren’t thinking she should?

She should have paid attention.[00:13:00] 

Client: I forgive myself for what happened too.

In a way, I was like putting a lot of blame on myself because of that, because I think I could have done more about it. Like I could have grabbed the dog. I could have just stopped the car like by, I don’t know, crossing the road and staying in front of it or something.

But I kinda forgive myself for. For letting her know that she needed to pay attention[00:14:00] 

and for, and just accepting the accident, not putting it on myself either, like it wasn’t my fault either. So without the thought, I can see that. 

Todd: Okay, so how would you turn this thought around? She should pay attention.

Client: She shouldn’t pay attention. 

Todd: So how could that be as true or 

Client: truer?

An obvious one just popped up like a huge, obvious thing that I didn’t see. 

Todd: Okay. 

Client: What is it is that she’s a 13-year-old so it’s pretty obvious that I should be the one paying attention to that her, so she shouldn’t pay [00:15:00] attention because she’s not there yet. She’s. 

Todd: It’s normal, right? For a 13-year-old to not pay attention to her father.

Client: It’s very normal

Todd: and it, how else is it like understandable that she wouldn’t pay attention to you?

Client: She was with the dog, so she was paying attention to the dog.

So you told her to watch it and that’s what she, she did. She, wow. She paid so much attention to the dog that she didn’t even see the car coming.[00:16:00] 

Oh my God. She did exactly what I told her to do. Wow. Wow.

Todd: So she shouldn’t pay attention because she already was paying attention. So how did the accident happen?

Client: It was,

she was pulling up a dog. I. I think the car just went too close by us and then he just happened to step on on our dog’s food for a little bit. Didn’t break it or anything. It wasn’t, we took it to the vet and it was [00:17:00] fine. It just like scratch or leg a little bit and it was bleeding a little bit, but nothing really bad happened.

Todd: So she, again, she shouldn’t pay attention because she was already paying attention. She did pay attention. And then somehow because of the car and the dog, they somehow, they got close together and it accident happened.

Was it her fault? Was it your fault?

Client: No.

Like looking at it that way, I don’t even see the driver’s fault either. It’s just like a very small road and it’s really hard to see ’cause it’s like a very small dog. Anyway. So it’s like [00:18:00] I don’t see that as a possibility of seeing it and just doing it on purpose either.

Todd: Yeah.

So is there another turnaround? She should pay attention.

Client: I should pay attention. 

Todd: Okay. What could that mean for you in this situation? I. 

Client: I know better. Like I know the road was like super small. I know cars go by all the time, so I could have just made ’em wait until there was no cars coming, or I could have just let them know to go further down the small sidewalk or just stop or even just carry the dock for that small portion of the road.

So yeah, I should have paid more attention because I know what could happen. They [00:19:00] 

Todd: don’t. That’s the difference. They don’t, you have experience, plus you have the fully developed brain to be able to see all of the possibilities and Yeah. It’s good training your daughter right. Then pay attention.

But there’s some things where it’s beyond her ability in that moment to know she can’t imagine. It’s not thinking about it, but you could. So I should pay attention. 

Client: And also because of responsibility I’m putting on her. To deal with it without having that knowledge, like I could be exactly paying more attention towards that because she’s learning. 

Todd: It’s like giving someone responsibility without training. That’s that’s tough. It’s like saying, okay, go ahead and drive the car, but if you don’t know how, and then they, something happens.

They don’t know [00:20:00] how, but I should pay attention. I’m not, it’s like they’re starting to gain responsibility, but I still have a lot of responsibility. A little bit of both, 

Client: Sometimes you feel like, oh, she’s big enough. So you put a lot of responsibility because you think, oh it’s ready to go.

Todd: But it’s not yet. Yeah. I should pay attention to where she is, how much she. Knows, and how important is this? Is this a good situation for training or is this a dangerous situation or have to be more like take over or something like that, 

Client: right?

Todd: There could be another version of this turnaround too. I should pay attention to myself. And I don’t know if that has any meaning for you in this situation. That is anything new? 

Client: Yeah, it does actually [00:21:00] in the way that

I need to be paying more attention to myself to know how to give her a little bit of responsibility without putting everything on her. So that makes sense because I’m not paying attention to myself in that area. Just like dropping everything off on her and just not checking with myself again as okay, is that too much?

Is that enough?

Todd: Yeah. But like the role of a. Of a good teacher that they’re gauging is the student ready for the next step or am I giving them too much or are they getting bored and like they’re, they checking with, the teacher has to be checking with themself as well as with the other, with the student to see what is appropriate.

Yeah.[00:22:00] 

Client: And I need to check more with myself to, to be a better leader with her instead of just leaving her on her own to figure it out with the dog and like the cars and all that stuff. 

Todd: Not that’s a bad thing, like leaving someone on their own to figure things out can be good in some context, but some other context it can be dangerous too.

So like it’s a fine line. Yeah, 

Client: like double checking with myself. That could be a good thing too, see, oh, is it would be that good for her or actually dangerous for her, or something like that. In that situation. 

Todd: Cool. Thank you, Edwin. Thank you. Yeah, very interesting. I should pay [00:23:00] attention. She shouldn’t pay attention, even though it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t. She can. Good, but sometimes I’m asking more than she can. And so she shouldn’t from that point of view. Cool. All right. Any questions or anything you wanna share from that?

Client: I had a question like in regards to all thoughts, and that is, there’s, there, there are like certain feelings about a thought. Or a recurring thought that you may have, but you don’t recall the specific situation. So how do you work those effectively? Without being able to be present like many times you can with any other thoughts that you can put yourself in that position?

Like how do you work those? 

Todd: That’s a good [00:24:00] question. Yeah. First look and see if there is a situation. If you have a thought, a recurring thought see if a situation comes to mind. Sometimes it’ll just come up when you’re ready to do the work, but if it doesn’t, you can almost find a situation.

Like any situation that’s similar like that. You can even create a situation if you need to. That is just. Just a imaginary situation. And as long as it has the elements there that match what the stressful, recurring thought is, and then use that situation, but there’s a feeling that comes with a stressful thought.

So if there’s a feeling there, it’s a kind of stressful feeling and it’s a context, but it’s more abstract, then just look for a situation that is similar. That is concrete and just put them together. You can do the work on it in any situation, in a way. [00:25:00] And worst case, if worst case scenario, if you can’t find anything that fits or feels forced or if there’s something strange about that, then you can work the, you can work the thought more generally without any stressful thought or any, without any stressful situation at all.

And then as you’re doing the work, you may start to see situations coming up in your mind. And then it may become clearer for you, or maybe you will be touching on three or four situations as you’re doing that work and that will work as well. Basically, there’s a communication between the abstract and the concrete, like the generalized theory and then specific examples of a specific situations.

And when you have both, there’s a, it’s easy to do the work ’cause you’re looking at your theory, you’re looking at the reality, and you’re going back and forth. When it’s just abstract, it’s harder because you just have this generalized idea. You don’t know what you’re talking about as clearly, but as you’re playing with it.[00:26:00] 

Specifics will often come in and there’s your reference point and you can then do the same work referring to those different points. So these are just some ideas you have to play with it and see what works for you. And every situation’s gonna be different, but those are some of the ways I would approach it.

Great. Thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page, and there you can see the schedule coming up. You can read how it works. You can sign the release form so that you can participate, bring your own questions, and bring your own stressful situations to do the work on.

We’d love to see you there in one of the upcoming open sessions. And while you’re there at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to check out the Work 1 0 1. This is available in a Do it [00:27:00] yourself course format or as part of our community, the Inquiry Circle community, which is an even more I.

Complete version of doing this course. This will take you from absolutely no experience doing the work to feeling self-sufficient and being able to question the stressful thoughts that are bothering you in any situation. I. And it also is the stepping stone for becoming a part of our ongoing online community called Inquiry Circles.

Next I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called The Work of Byron Katie is Forgiveness, the Famous Prayer of St. Francis Exclaims. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And for me, the work of Byron Katie is a way to understand this. Let’s start with what it feels like not to pardon? Not to forgive someone.[00:28:00] 

Right off the bat, I can say it hurts not to forgive someone. It may hurt the other person too, but not nearly as much as it hurts me. The offense could be something very small. But it still hurts not to forgive. For example, a vendor at our farmer’s market thought I had taken some walnut oil without paying it for it, and I couldn’t forgive her for doubting me.

The result was a tightness in my chest and a fearful feeling in my stomach. My peace had been. I would even look the other way, avoiding eye contact with her. After that, for some weeks, all this was my clue that I needed to do the work. So I wrote out my judgements about this woman on a judge, your neighbor worksheet, and when I worked through it using the [00:29:00] four questions and turnarounds of the work, I found that the source of my discomfort was my inability to forgive her, my judging.

Condemning and pushing away of her is what was hurting me, not what she did to me. That is why pardoning is freeing. Forgiving someone is a nice gift to the person you’re pardoning, but it is a much nicer gift to yourself. As long as you still hold onto something that someone did to hurt you, so long as you feel the pain and depression so long, you will feel the pain and even depression.

The work on Byron Katie is concerned with one thing and one thing only your internal peace. So don’t forgive someone in order to do the right thing. Do it simply because you prefer peace. [00:30:00] Forgiving is not always easy. Sometimes people do hurtful things that seem unforgivable, and I invite you to challenge yourself to see if you can find forgiveness.

No matter how badly you’ve been wronged, your peace depends on it. Here’s how the work helps with forgiveness. The work takes us step by step towards forgiveness. First of all, the work allows the tantrum. This is real freedom in allowing yourself to vent your blame onto a judge your neighbor worksheet.

Just doing that is the beginning of forgiveness. I. To allow your stressful thoughts to have a voice on paper, as long as they’re bottled up and shut down inside of you, then forgiveness is a long way away, almost impossible. So this first step allows that tantrum to come out so that it has a chance to begin the [00:31:00] process of being dealt with.

Secondly, the work. Does a kind of compare contrast analysis of so that you can experience what it feels like to believe a non forgiving thought or to be without it. This is like a test. Analysis is probably not the right word, but it’s a test compare contrast. Who are you with? The thought she wrongly accused me.

And who are you without the thought? She wrongly accused me. This is what question. Four of the work are all about without the thought, I feel normal and fine and soft with the thought. I feel stress seeing this cause and effect with the thought I have this stress. Without the thought, less stress. It makes it much easier to consider for forgiving someone.

’cause after all, it’s in my best [00:32:00] interest emotionally. So what I find with questions three and four is it loosens my attachment to the thought. My thought is she wrongly accused me, and I’m attached. I’m attached. I’m attached. I’m attached. But when I see with the thought it’s stressful, without the thought, it would be less stressful.

I’m more open to considering other ways of looking at it. Then she wrongly accused me. Thirdly, the work then helps us find our part in things. This is where the turnarounds to the self and to the other lead. For example, I found that I was impatient and I was immature by leaving money on the table. When the walnut vendor had probably gone for a bathroom break.

I could have given the money to a neighboring vendor if I wanted to be more responsible, or I could have waited until she came back. When I find my part, it’s hard to stay angry at the other person. [00:33:00] And finally the work invites us to sit to consider that the opposite could be just as true. For example, she didn’t accuse me.

Maybe that’s true. I found when I looked at this, it was possible. That she was simply inquiring. And as I looked more closely, I found that she was actually a kind and fairly gentle in her asking. The rest was my ego screaming and blowing it up into something larger. So when you look at these opposites, it can be interesting to start to see what is the actual reality and what is my interpretation and my exaggeration of the situation.

People from the course in miracles often say that forgiveness is seeing that what you thought happened didn’t happen. Even the worst criminal, if you look at it objectively, [00:34:00] was acting out of his or her best understanding of the options at the time. So seeing another person’s innocence is forgiveness.

You may have or may have had some tough characters in your life. The work invites you to look more closely at these characters. Can you find their innocence if you can. It is a direct way to set your own heart free. I think this was the intention of St. Francis with his prayer.

So thank you for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media. Leave a review for the podcast wherever you happen to listen, and stop by the work as meditation.com to get the newsletter or to participate in open sessions like the one we heard here today.[00:35:00] 

And you’ll also find hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie. Make sure you use the search bar because you’ll find more articles that way, and you’ll also find Inquiry Circle our online community, the Work 1 0 1 for training and going deeper virtual retreats for spending a weekend together wherever you are in the world, and courses like The Living With Money Course and the Finding the Door to Inquiry book and other programs that I offer and will continue to offer over time.

So thanks for listening, and until next time, have a great week.