HSP Overwhelm & Fear of Passivity: Releasing the Fear of Doing Nothing

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how believing that you need to do something can actually make you more passive.

Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

In this episode, you’ll discover how the thought someone needs to do something can leave you feeling paralyzed. Why questioning this idea can take the pressure off, and how in this less pressured place. You may see more options [00:01:00] for effective action. Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays.

You bring your questions in stressful situations and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did. Yeah. So what’s the one liner?

Client: Um, let’s see.

It’s like somebody needs to do something about.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Okay. So let’s use that situation of somebody disrupting the gathering or something. Mm-hmm. Somebody has to do something. Um, so, um, let’s, let’s question it. Is it true someone has to do something?[00:02:00]

Client: Ah, I’m already at a no. It’s like nobody’s, okay. Yeah.

Todd: So how do you react when you think someone has to do something in your situation?

Client: Yeah, there it is. That’s, that’s the stress. It’s, it’s just like overwhelm. And I’m looking around and I’m seeing other, I’m like making a face to my friend, and then like, I’m looking around at other people, like who’s going to do something?

And, um,

my insides are like, like it’s, it is just this like.

It is a buildup [00:03:00] of, of just like massive irritation and um, like scavenging type energy.

Yeah, and it just, it keeps building. It’s just like growing

at, at, at some point I’m, I’m like making faces, like I don’t even, I kind of want the person to see me like kind of just being like. You again, like just making little, like gestures and, and, and body language, um,

Todd: right. Yeah.

And, uh, where do you feel it in your body?

Client: Yeah. It’s like,[00:04:00]

it’s like the center of it is like the high belly, like the like. I just below the chest, it rises all the way up into my throat

and like down to like my, my like middle belly.

And then there’s tension in the jaw, in the jaw and neck too.

Todd: Yeah.

So this is how this thought affects you. When you have the thought somebody has to do something and you’re in that situation and you’re not sure what to do, then it’s this kind of pressure or con conflict in a way of not knowing what to do and having to do something or not. Not sure if you’re the person to do it, but having to do something.[00:05:00]

Client: Yeah, there’s so, and it’s like the past too. ’cause this person was like doing this this whole time and then I already told him twice to the, like, to people who, who are supposed to, you know, be in charge, I guess. And yeah, so then I’m like, I already snitched on ’em twice. Like, I don’t wanna be that lady. And then I’m like, they’re just taking up all the time for.

It was actually a Byron Katie event, but Byron Katie’s like not doing anything about it. So I’m frustrated at her even. I’m like, why aren’t you stopping this person from like, barging in all the time and like hogging the space and um, yeah, making it about in my stories, like they needed attention. Yeah. So it was just like past future, all over the place.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So who would you be without the thought that somebody has to do [00:06:00] something in that same situation?

Client: That’s a hard one.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Like who would you be if you weren’t so attached to this idea that somebody has to do something if you weren’t? So, yeah, needing that I.[00:07:00]

Client: There’s like a softer, like under the layer of the, the, the high stress. Of that thought underneath that, like, what I’m, what I’m trying to like, almost get away from is just like a, like a kinda like disappointment feeling, which is a softer emotion than the high irritation stress and like needing it to change.

There’s just like this, this like mixture of like disappointment with acceptance of like, okay, like, like this is not. Like there’s a realization that I had an expectation of what something would look like, and it, it, the reality is different than that. And so in comes like this, like, ah, like kind of almost grief feeling of like, this is different than how I thought this would be.

And then there’s [00:08:00] like, because there’s acceptance with that just, okay, like here we are with this. Annoying person over here and just like being present with it, being present with all of it, being present with the disappointment and being present with like, um, the fact that this is going on and the people in charge and including Byron Katie are just like allowing it.

So there’s a trust on some level that like if this was really off the rails. Then I, I trust Fire and Katie that she would’ve stopped it. She didn’t. So I have to, so then there’s like this, okay, well maybe this is how, it’s, how it’s,

Todd: yeah. What do you see when you look at this person that’s disrupting [00:09:00] without your story, that someone has to do something?

What do you see?

Client: I see someone who.

Is just asking a lot of questions and, um,

I, I wonder, I, there’s a curiosity, like, it’s like I wonder if this person, um, like I had heard that they were new to the, to. They didn’t know who Byron Katie [00:10:00] was up until the event. And then, so it’s like this curiosity, like I wonder if they’re just like really eager and excited, like about this, this method and, and, and also this, this person about Byron Katie herself being in her, in her physical space.

You know, like I’m curious about like, oh, maybe they just, they’re loving this like connection and wanting more and more and more. And I can’t really blame somebody for that. Like, I, I feel that at times too, when I love something so much, I just wanna like keep it, keep it going, you know? Mm-hmm. And then just like a curiosity around like if there, if there is like a, um.

This, like, I had a story about this person [00:11:00] having, and I, I don’t know, it’s probably true, but whatever. It’s like this person is like a, there’s like a marketing thing that they were like trying to, to get attention because of, for, for ulterior motives. And so without like that stress and stuff, it’s like, yeah, we’re all just like trying to.

Like, be financially stable and get our needs met. And this is like one of the ways that it’s happening, you know? But without, it’s like, it’s like not a judgment, it’s just like, ah, human humans do this.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So somebody has to do something, right? That’s the original thought. And we’re not saying.

Like, we’re not saying anything about what should or shouldn’t be happening here. It’s just experimenting about what it would, what opens up if you’re not focused on [00:12:00] somebody has to do something. And that’s what we were looking at. This is kind of what your question was earlier. Um, is not saying we’re now.

I’m thinking, this is a great thing. We should always have a disruptor there all the time. You know, maybe, I don’t know, but maybe not. It has nothing to do with policy or anything like that. It’s just who would you be without the thought? Somebody has to do something, and what I’m hearing from you is there’s an kind of an opening or a softening that’s happening.

Client: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Todd: That’s all.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: That’s all the work is about. That’s all. Question four is about how I see it, how I experience it, the doing. That’s a whole other thing. We’ll, we can look at that later. [00:13:00] So now that we’ve seen how this thought affects us, someone has to do something and how it gets you revved up and feeling at the same time, frustrated and having to make faces and things, um, versus without the thought someone has to do something.

Like more looking at that other person what’s going on and seeing like a larger perspective somehow.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So let’s try turning the thought around, like, let’s look at an opposite and see if that could be as true. Somebody has to do something, what would be a turnaround?

Client: Mm-hmm. Um,

nobody has to do anything.

Todd: Yeah. So how could that be true? Even though this disruption is real, even though we’re not denying it. Is there any [00:14:00] evidence that seems good to you that nobody has to do anything?

Client: Well, I mean, in that moment it didn’t even appear that anyone was doing anything and we were okay. Like nobody was stopping her. And so, you know, like, um,

I. Evidence is in front of me. Like we’re, we’re, we’re, we’re not dying right now. Like, this isn’t an emergency. Um, you [00:15:00] know, and we’re okay. So nobody has to do anything. They don’t, like, they didn’t in that very moment that I’m in right now. And, um,

and you know, I like, I’m seeing now that like. She was asking these questions to Byron Katie, and then I wasn’t listening to the answers that Byron Katie was giving because I was so frustrated about this happening. So, you know, it, I, nobody, nobody had to do anything. I could’ve probably still benefited from the things that.

The answers, the responses from Byron Katie, um, in the reality that nobody had to do anything.

Todd: Yeah. In other words, there’s a lot right there in that [00:16:00] situation that is there to support you there for the taking that because you were focused on the thought, somebody has to do something, you can’t. Access.

They’re not, they’re not available. So nobody has to do with something and no one has to do anything because there’s a lot of potentially good things going on there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you may not even know what those are because the mind was so focused on that person, not that it shouldn’t be disrupting, that it may not have even been aware of those possibilities.

Yeah. I also love the first example you gave of just being like, we’re okay. Like nothing bad is happening in a way we’re okay even if this person’s dis disrupting. This kind of thing can happen a lot with situations like this where something I can’t control, I want [00:17:00] something and I’m not able to get it, and just seeing that I’m okay, even not getting it can be very freeing.

It can be at least calming.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: You know,

Client: and in that exact moment, nobody needed to do anything. So I think it’s helpful, like for me to just have a recognition of like, in this moment, nobody has to do anything and, and kind of like have a underlying trust that, like that, you know, if, if later when my nervous system is more calm, I can, I can.

See if there’s a step to take, but like, yes, that moment it didn’t feel good to go tell on her again. You know? So yes, he has to do anything right now. Feels is a good thing for me to, like, this is a reoccurring thing for me. So obviously there’s like, there’s a, there’s something I’m supposed to be learning, right?[00:18:00]

Yeah, yeah. So I can kind of like check in with myself like. Does it feel true to do anything right now in this moment and like be okay if,

Todd: right. Instead of putting pressure on yourself like, I’ve gotta do something right now and as, and as if that’s the only way that you will be motivated to act like mm-hmm.

It takes courage to say something or do something and so we sometimes wait until things get. Super bad. And then we’re like, oh, finally I’m just gonna do something. And, and, but it comes from a place of anger. It comes from a place of closedness. It comes from a place of almost impossible to be fair or negotiate or be, you know, um, be a good ombudsman or whatever.

And what you’re discovering in this is that it’s possible to. Just be like, wait, I’m fine right now. There’s no immediate pressure that I have to do [00:19:00] something and that means that I can, I now, I may still want to do something, but I may be able to do it from a calmer place or from a place of less pressure, and it’s gonna be less volatile as a result.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: This is the irony of activism. You know, some of us wanna be activists and being an angry activist is not always being an effective activist. If I am always angry and always an enraged, uh. It kind of limits me a little bit, but if I do my inner work and find that, uh, nothing has to be done well, it’s okay.

Even if I lose, like it’s okay, like if that kind of wideness of mind comes in, then I can go [00:20:00] often into activism and take real constructive action that may actually change the situation from that. Place instead of waiting to use anger as the impetus for me to do something. Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So nobody has to do anything. Doesn’t mean that that’s an absolute, it just means that that brings in a side of the story that we weren’t looking at. Somebody has to do something that may have some truth to it. But it’s also true that nobody has to do anything. And when I have those together, I experience a more balanced place.

It calms me down. It makes me feel like, oh, okay, well it might be good to do something, but nobody has to do anything, right? It’s gonna be okay either way, and it [00:21:00] takes that pressure off of me, and then I don’t have to be. I angry about it. I don’t have to use, uh, aggression to accomplish that.

Client: Yeah,

Todd: and that’s what the work does. It takes when we question our thoughts, it reduces the aggression inside. And when that gets reduced, lo and behold, our action. It doesn’t have to look like we’re lying down and just taking it. We may actually become very clear and decisive and proactive and engaged, but from a place of balance rather than from a place of anger or hurt or victim.

Client: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Todd: So in fact, [00:22:00] you know, we kind of don’t have a lot of time here, but the, the, there’s another turnaround. If you turn it to yourself that actually points in that direction. Somebody has to do something. What’s the turnaround to the self? I.

Client: Um, I have to do, uh, let’s see. I have to do something about my thoughts, about my stress.

Todd: Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. Like I have to do something, right? And then it can be about my thoughts, or it can be about the environment, but the turnaround is actually saying, okay, if anybody’s gonna do something, I might be the one.

I might need to be the one.

Client: Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Todd: But it’s also true. So look at the thoughts, look at the actions. Where is it that you have to do something as opposed to somebody out there?

Client: Yeah. Yeah. And, [00:23:00] and what came to me like right away was just like, I like the I, I have to do something. I think first and foremost, like.

Being present, like get present or, or, or start to breathe deeper. Um, or be, be with whatever, you know, like notice how this, how much this is affecting you. Like there’s something going in, in internal first was where my mind went. And then, um, yeah. And then, and then. Then, then from that clarity, it’s like feel the, the next best step could be a whole number of things.

Do I just pull that person aside later? Do I, you know, whatever, leave the room or ask her to, you know, like give other people a chance to talk or something, you know? So [00:24:00]

Todd: yeah, all those become options

Client: right there, like you said, from that like kind of. What words I would say is like, from a place of love instead.

Mm-hmm. Not from like this, like, you know, like tense place, stress place.

Todd: It can’t happen from that place. It it’ll be when I’m in that victim stance then, and I’m angry and I’m frustrated and I’m feeling like this isn’t right. All I can do is react. We saw that in question three. It’s like, how do you react?

All I can do is kind of lash out or blame, or like try to push and use force, all those things, they’re not very effective. So without the, so you know where we’re coming from. If you do this work and you start finding a little more space inside, a little more calmness, or you take care of yourself a bit.[00:25:00]

Then you can engage, you can actually engage, as you mentioned directly with the person. You could take them aside or you could talk with Byron Katie, or you could leave the room or suddenly options come outta the woodwork.

Client: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I, I heard a, a quote this weekend about the, on a, there’s lower, like shadow levels, lower frequencies, there’s less, there’s usually only two options, but you get to a higher frequency.

There’s many more options. And so I love, yeah, is that, that just goes along with that.

Todd: That’s what we’re doing. And people are scared of doing the work sometimes because they think, oh, well, if it’s not against them, then it’s for them. You know? If I’m not against the person disrupting, then I’m condoning their behavior.

And like you said, there’s only two options. It’s black or white, but. The whole purpose of doing the work is to step back and [00:26:00] get, gain a bigger perspective, and then a lot of nuanced options come in that weren’t even on the table before, like you didn’t even notice them.

Client: It’s crazy. Yeah.

Todd: It’s, it’s, that’s what we’re doing.

That’s what excites me about the work. Yeah. It’s like we pigeonhole ourselves into black and white thinking so easily and then we, we. Even think the work is serving that purpose, right? Because it’s like, oh my gosh, if I do this work, then I’m gonna flip from black to white or white to black, or, you know, I’m gonna be either against him or for him.

Mm-hmm. And, and when you actually do the work and really listen and feel into your work, it, it detaches you from the original. Thing that caught you. And from that less caught place, you start seeing a million options. A million options.

Client: Mm-hmm. [00:27:00]

Todd: And that’s empowering.

Client: That’s really cool.

Todd: Really cool. In this episode, we looked at how the thought someone needs to do something can leave you feeling paralyzed. It’s because we are reacting to this thought. We’ve gotten so identified with it. We’re so, uh, um, kind of drawn into the magnetism of this that we don’t see any of their options.

We also looked at why questioning this idea can take the pressure off. And you saw in that one turnaround, like, um, no one needs to do anything, leaves a more. Relaxed state, like, oh my gosh, it’s not as bad as I thought. We still are alive, we’re still gonna be fine. There’s a kind of ease in that, even though I may still wanna make some changes, but this takes a lot of the pressure [00:28:00] off.

And then finally we looked at how in this less pressurized place, you may start to see more options for effective action. And this is exactly what this person was saying, how it’s like black or white. Um, there’s only kind of two options on or off. Um, you’re either forum or against them. And when we did this work, what she found is there was just a lot more options.

She could go talk to the person, she could, um, leave the room. She could go talk to the organization again. There were a lot of possibilities and that was just really the beginning of it. So thank you for listening and participating in this session. Uh, it’s always a pleasure to do the work with you and I look forward to next time.

In the meantime, have a great rest of your day.