“I Want Him to Marry Me”: Inner Work for the Highly Sensitive Person Feeling Relationship Overwhelm

Client: I always believe that getting somewhere can make my life better. Uhhuh, but the the reality is by believing that I am very depressed right now. Yeah, yeah. Just by realizing this. It’s just still hard to drop off the future image. For example, if my boyfriend marries me, life will be easier. If I get a green card, I’ll be happier.

Life will be easier. That, and then the mind will go to the opposite. [00:04:00] Okay. If hurting those thought brings the suffering in your life, then just don’t want anything, then just, uh, no need to spend more time, uh, with boyfriend or, or you can go back to China, then go into the opposite. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How should I deal with the mind, how to say duality, right?

Either to left, either to right, is how to be able to, just to, as Katie said, as a lot of enlight people said, living at the present moment and then. Making friends with the reality and welcome the things happening. Let the decision made by itself how to [00:05:00] be, be able to be like that unless torturing the self.

Todd: Yeah. Great, great question. Yeah. How to do that. Um,

Client: since I realized my mind just like suffering. Either I want all those stuff either. Okay. Then you can go back to China or break up with a boyfriend. But I don’t want to go back to China. I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend. Right. So it’s like. It’s painful.

Left is painful. Don’t know what to do.

Todd: That’s it. That’s it. You described the problem perfectly, and what happens is the mind sees these two extremes as the only choices. So either I. Give up everything. Yeah. You [00:06:00] know, on one extreme or I, uh, or I have to get, my life has to be better on the other extreme, one or the other, I cannot find the the, the balance.

And so what the work does, and it’s really something you have to do, but ’cause it’s an experiential thing, but in theory what the work does is it brings that balance in a little bit. So. I like to think, the analogy I like to use is if you have a small openings, like a small hole that you’re looking through, and then you can see, if you look over here, you see one side, oh yeah, I must get, I must change my life in order to be happy.

And then no other extreme is I. Shouldn’t this not care about anything like, and I just will leave my boyfriend, go back to China and it’s like I can only see one extreme or the other. What’s that?

Client: Going to [00:07:00] the mountain? Going to the temple?

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, but what happens in the work, when you begin to answer these questions from your heart, from your experience, what can happen is this opening start, the awareness starts to get a little bit bigger.

And you can hold both sides at the same time. You can hold these opposites at the same time. And so with a bigger awareness, then the contradiction is not, doesn’t feel so strong. And it’s hard to explain. It’s hard to give you a, you know, like a, anything more than an analogy of that. But it’s, it’s, it’s something.

To, that’s the best way I have to describe it. So what I would suggest if you want to, is we can do the work on one of your statements and uh, and then just see if you get some experience of it, not just the theory of it. Do you want to try that?

Client: Yes, of course. [00:08:00] A contradiction. This is a great word. It’s me.

I feel either way, don’t feel good and the mind likes to criticize itself. Like saying, Katie said, you are not supposed to wanting anything to happen while doing the work. Otherwise, the work I. She doesn’t work. So it often just say, oh, it’s useless. You, I know what you want. You want your boyfriend to marry you.

You want to be successful. That’s why you’re doing the work. And you see you have a purpose. So this is not gonna work out. You are very ic. So my mind is very loud. Can I ask my mind? So what do you want me to do? You want me to die? Huh. Right. Yeah. And then now I realize it’s normal to have someone wants.

Todd: Yes. And I can say from my experience, the work works even better when I’m not attached [00:09:00] to some outcome, when I don’t have a motive for doing my work. But it still works even when I do have a wand, even when I do have an attachment there too, so I don’t have to be perfectly. Want free before I even start the work.

I can start wherever I am and that is a good enough place to begin. I guess.

Client: Most people start doing the work as they don’t wanna suffer anymore.

Todd: Yes, of course. We all do. Doesn’t

Client: want, so the ego just screaming, Hey, you’re doing this because you tried to escape from the pain.

Todd: Yeah, it can go around in a circle, right?

This is a, like a trap of mind

Client: self criticizing.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So what I do is I trust my stress. My stress tells me what to work, and I don’t worry about my state of being when I’m doing that work. I just trust it. Oh my, what is my stressful thought? Let [00:10:00] me do the work and let’s see, uh, where we go. So what was one of the stressful thoughts that you, that you read to me a minute ago?

Client: Uh,

I believe that marrying my boyfriend can make my life better.

Todd: Okay. All right.

Client: I want him to marry me.

Todd: Okay, perfect. So I want him to marry me. So let’s do the work. Is that true? You want him to marry you?

Client: I? Yes.

Todd: Okay. And can you absolutely know it’s true, you want him to marry you?[00:11:00]

Client: Yes. At this moment?

Todd: Yes. Okay. I love that honesty. So how do you react? What happens when you think you want him to marry you and he’s not marrying you at the, at least not yet

Client: headache?

Hmm. A lot of stress

and then struggling with should I leave this relationship or not? And then a lot of stress. A lot of stress.

My stomach very [00:12:00] hurt. Uncomfortable.

Don’t feel like doing anything. Just want to lay on the bed and do nothing. That’s my current reaction.

Todd: Yeah. Very clear. So when I have the thought or when you have the thought, I want him to marry me, then these reactions happen. This is the result. When you’re attaching to this thought.

Client: Yes.

Todd: And to continue in that, do you notice any images in the future or the past when you think, I want him to marry you. I want him to marry me.

Client: Yes. Mm. So my. My, my [00:13:00] relationships before were all not, not that happy. Um, except first one is a little bit normal. I, based on my standard, the others, the other relationships were, for me, it’s like a mistake. They’re, they, they were a mistake, so never. Able to

past image. Yeah. So often didn’t get what I wanted in my life, either from the guys in my life or from my mom. I couldn’t get the response I expected. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So then when you think, I want him to marry me, and you see you didn’t get the response that you [00:14:00] wanted in other situations, then it becomes heavy.

Client: Yes, very.

Todd: So who would you be without this thought? I want him to marry me. Who would you be if you were not attached to this thought? If it was not so strong in your awareness, who would you be?[00:15:00]

Client: Someone staying home organizing her stuff and.

And Yes, and then that’s it. Without the thought, the mind is inside the screening. Okay, then leave him. Mine is stupid. I dunno what to do with my mind.

Todd: Yeah, just notice it. It’s all, it’s just

Client: mine likes going to the opposite. Okay. When being asked, who would you be without the thought then? The answer. Since I’ve been working on similar things many times, so I knew the answer and I felt the answer without the thought would be less stressful, less manipulating, then less stressful, less.

Ah, very irritated feelings. Then the mind is like, okay, then, then drop him off from your head. Right? [00:16:00]

Todd: So the mind goes to the other extreme, I guess. Right? Just like we were talking

Client: and then, and notice for the facilitations from some facilitators and it didn’t become an action the of the other opposite.

Todd: So the thing to keep in mind when answering this question is it’s, it’s not saying, the question is, who would you be without the thought, but it’s not saying you should get rid of the thought. It’s only like a, I like to think of it as a scientific experiment. Like, okay, hypothetically, if that thought was not there.

Would there be any difference for you? It’s like,

Client: oh, it’s just asking. If there were no such thought, it’s not asking to add another thought.

Todd: That’s right.

Client: I’m not inviting to add another thought. That’s rightful thought.

Todd: Yes. It’s not telling you, you must get [00:17:00] rid of that thought. No, it’s just saying who would you be?

You’re doing

Client: the opposite of the thought is like, again, so when I don’t like someone, I have to hurt that person. It doesn’t mean you can just leave that person alone. It doesn’t mean you have to do the opposite action.

Todd: Yes, that’s right. That’s the extreme. Like the mind will try to go to the extreme, but.

But that’s not actually what the question is, is asking.

Client: Oh, that was like, well, who would you be with? The other thought is not asking who would you be with the opposite thought.

Todd: That’s right. No, it’s not asking

Client: that. And then, but the mind is going to the opposite way. Mind is like, okay, without the thought, this feels so good.

Then, then just get a, get a stay away from the one trigger this thought.

Todd: And what the mind does is it confuses the thought and the person, so it’s saying almost like, who would I be without the thought? That must mean that who would I be without the person, right? Mm-hmm. There are two different things. [00:18:00] Who would you be?

One.

Client: I think the reason why have this thought is because of that person.

Todd: Right? So who would you be with that person without that thought?

Client: Uh, this is a good question. Lovely, lovely, cute person. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. That’s it. So what you see from that is that the thought is causing the stress,

Client: either this one or either the opposite one, all causing the stress.

Yeah. Made me feel so depressed.

Todd: Yes. So this is what I mean by like a thought, like a little thought experiment. We test it. What’s causing this stress? Is it the person, is it the thought? And in this case, what we’re seeing is the thought [00:19:00] is causing the stress because without the thought. You just experience him as acute?

Client: The mind goes very up extreme. Like if I don’t have a thought, if I don’t hold the thought, I want him to marry me, then what the point? Spending time with him. The mind is always so extreme.

Todd: Yes.

Client: Either white or black.

Todd: Yeah, white or black. And it has to be now or as soon as possible. Like if the mind doesn’t.

It has no patience. It’s just you are marrying me or I am done with you to,

Client: right, right. And then don’t, and then thinking about those horrible feelings that the thought, if without him then, then the thought would not come out. Right, but, but I guess not, I guess. But I think it will happen to different situations still.

If I have this, I will be happier If that person do that to me, I’ll be happier. [00:20:00] It’ll just work for everybody. It just made me so scared that I want to stay away with everybody.

Todd: Right, right. So my experience, there’s two ways to be happy. One is you get what you want, right? I will get, I get married, I have make some money.

I do something that I want, I get happy. It works. Most people in the world, they do that. The other way is I questioned that my thought that I need that,

Client: and it doesn’t work. When you get something you want more.

Todd: Exactly. Exactly. So the beautiful thing about doing this work is that we’re questioning the thinking part, the attachment part, so that I can be happy whether I get what I want or if I don’t get what I want, then getting what I want and not getting what I want or equal.

And I can be happy if I’m married or if I’m not married, if I am [00:21:00] making money or I’m not making money. So that’s what we’re doing. Doesn’t

Client: have to throw away all the money. It doesn’t mean I have to stay away from all the guys to not

Todd: gimme Exactly. It doesn’t mean I forget about making money. Oh, now I’m peaceful.

I will just not even try to have a job. Or I will not try to get married. No, you can do both. That’s, that’s where this is. That’s what we’re playing.

Client: Mine likes to go the. Either this way, screen.

Todd: Yes.

Client: And then I’ve heard a lawyer told me she wants to go to the temple.

Todd: Sorry, I didn’t hear that.

Client: She, she wants to go to the temple.

And lived there. Yes. But later she realized in the temple, that’s another society.

Todd: That’s right. Yeah. Mine

Client: never stops.

Todd: That’s right. I, I lived in an ashram for years and it’s the whole world in there. Yes. And it was the whole, it’s like a temple, like a, you know, like it’s a, you go [00:22:00] and you just meditate and, but there’s a whole society in there.

Exactly right.

Client: So you go, you escape to the more, still the thoughts with you.

Todd: All right, so we’ve been looking at, with the thought and without the thought. With the thought, I want him to marry me. The stress, the depression, all of that without the thought. Even with him there you’re seeing his cute guy and you like him and, and it’s more, more.

Quiet inside. So seeing the effect of believing the thought, let’s try some opposites.

Client: I’m smiling when without the thought thinking about him.

Todd: Isn’t that interesting? Right? Without the thought, you’re smiling with the thought, you’re depressed. The person is the same. Situation is the same, but the thought makes all the difference.

Client: So let’s turn this thought around. Someone telling me, don’t do what the mind tells you to do. [00:23:00]

Todd: Yeah, at least question it. So turn the thought around. I want him to marry me. What would be an opposite?

Client: I don’t want him to marry me.

Todd: I don’t want him to marry me. Okay, so let’s look at that. Can we find some examples of how it’s okay if he doesn’t marry you?

Client: I, I, uh, it’s hard for me to think about that.

Todd: Yeah. And think about it. First of all, in terms of right now he doesn’t, he is not wanting to marry you right now. He doesn’t ask you, right?

Client: Right. So,

Todd: how is it okay that right now he doesn’t ask you to marry him?

Client: All I can think is. If I, I don’t, against the [00:24:00] reality, I would feel less painful.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: Yes. So right now, is he asking you to marry you? No. Okay. So that’s a really good example. The reality is he is not asking, so it’s less painful. I. To not want him to marry you until he asks you.

Client: That’s the biggest, uh, evidence I can find.

Todd: That is the biggest

Client: evidence. I’m sick of the suffering. I just, if, if I don’t want him to marry me, that that’s more match the reality and then would be less painful. Then that’s what I want.

Todd: Yeah. And it doesn’t have to mean I don’t want him to marry me ever. It [00:25:00] might, but it also might mean I don’t want him to marry me now because I

Client: don’t want things I don’t have

Todd: exactly.

Client: So, for example, if I want a house, big house right now, which I don’t have, that only brings me the stress, makes me hate my current room. Yeah. Makes me feel very irritated about my neighbors, feel pitiful about myself. Same thing to this when he not ready to ask me to marry him. Holding the thought only brings me the stress.

That’s a huge reason. Yes. Why? I don’t want this at this moment, since it’s not happening.

Todd: That’s it. That’s it.

Client: Don’t want him to marry me since it’s not gonna happen at this moment. I’m sitting here, [00:26:00] I’m in my house. How can he marry me?

Todd: Good point. Good point. So I’m, I’m miserable if I keep holding onto that, which is not happening. And, and it can be so stressful. So, so there’s two ways again, to be happy. One is to get what you want. The other is to want what you have. And in this case, you have him not marrying you right now. And let’s look a little closer at that.

How is it okay that he is not asking you to marry you?

Client: Okay. Being honest to [00:27:00] myself without wanting green card or better housing on the identities, actually don’t know him very well being been. It’s just short time dating together each other. Yeah. Only 19, 20 times met each other. Only one time. There were like four days together. The other times, like less than a day, something actually very

not knowing each other very well, if not thinking about those benefits that marriage can bring. Yeah. And I don’t want to force someone to marry me when that person not [00:28:00] really sincerely wants. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. You feel that? Yeah. It’s

Client: so busy.

Todd: Yeah. So this is another, some other examples here of how I don’t want him to marry me is actually.

As true or truer?

Client: Well, without wanting things from him. Yes. I, I’m as same as him. It’s, it’s, it’s equal. I want, and I don’t want, I want, but I’m not ready. I don’t know you very well. Yeah. I’m not sure yet. And then the mind goes to the opposite. Okay. Then I don’t want anything.

Todd: Right, exactly. We’ve seen that. But that’s like what you described there is my experience many times where I [00:29:00] find peace with a situation is I end up in a place where I want it and I don’t want it. And those two balance each other and they make a kind of of equality there. So yeah, I wanted, yeah, it’s not that I don’t want him to marry me, but I’m also okay if he doesn’t.

If it’s not, he’s not asking me to marry me at this point. We’re still getting to know each other, so I want it and I don’t want it. That’s the, for me, the balance between the turnaround and the original statement. They, they, they create a balance.

Client: Uh, how can I get out from the cage? Made by the mind. Just meet the mind with understanding. Right. I really, really tired of the pain.

Todd: So just noticing it is, is the antidote, just noticing it, and that’s what [00:30:00] we’re doing in this work. Noticing how much thinking this thought causes pain, and then who you would be without it and seeing the balance of the turnaround.

Client: Without, it doesn’t mean don’t want it. It is just Yes. Just feel when you don’t grab it so tight. Yes. Yes. Just let the thought be there and then how, how will that be different? It doesn’t mean you have to get rid of it.

Todd: Yes.

Client: No one can get rid of it, right?

Todd: No. You cannot control your thoughts. No one can.

Cannot get rid of it. Don’t need to get rid of it. Just don’t hold it so tightly. That’s it.

Client: Yeah. Then I go to, to grab another thought. So tightly,

Todd: yes, and that will happen. This work is a process. It’s not one thought and [00:31:00] you’re done. It’s one thought. I am holding less tightly. Then another thought is there, and I question that one.

So I like to do, I feel

Client: guilty sometimes before or after doing the worksheet realized, oh, I’m taking advantage of the other person. Oh, I want things from the other person. And then the mind felt guilty about. So, and then sometimes even go and confess, but later by doing more worksheets, I realized the worksheet is, uh, as my own property, that Katie also said that you don’t have to show it to anyone.

Even you wrote, maybe I wrote a worksheet about my mom saying some nasty words, like, she’s stupid, selfish. I don’t need to tell her, Hey mom, I wrote a worksheet to you. It’s. Yeah, then, then the ego will be sad when see those things. Yeah.

Todd: So you don’t need to use the work, [00:32:00] the turnarounds to make yourself guilty or that you are bad, you know, like the mind will attack itself, um, that way.

And that’s not the purpose of the work. The work is only purpose, as I see it, is to find that balance point where I can be peaceful. I can see that I want, and I don’t want, and getting what I want is good. Not getting what I want is good. And then I can stay in a place where I’m okay.

Client: Do many, do, do, I mean like to compare, compare to other people, but.

Uh, when I ask many, many, the people who do the work, uh, they’re new to the work, often get into the similar situation, right? Like, yes, absolutely. Criticizing feel guilty. Oh, I was the one not loving that. My mom. Yeah. I was the one selfish, oh, I was the one who, who [00:33:00] raised my voice. Yeah, who, who attack her first then felt very guilty that the

Todd: very common, very common.

So what happens is it’s like I was attacking the other person. He is not marrying me. I want him to marry me. He is bad. Yeah. Then I do the work and then I take that and I. Attack myself. No, I am the bad person. I did something wrong. Right, right,

Client: right.

Todd: But that’s not, I matter myself. Yeah. You should

Client: myself, you should not think about other people to help you.

Yeah. Yeah. So you should absolutely rely on yourself.

Todd: But the, the thing is, that’s not really the work. All I’ve done there is I’m turned my attack from that person to myself. It’s still attack, it’s still violence, and what, what the real essence of the work is, is. Seeing. Okay. They’re not really a hundred percent to blame, and I’m not a hundred percent to blame.

They are maybe a little bit of the problem, but [00:34:00] I’m also a little bit of the problem, and we are both human beings doing the best we can. And that’s like an equality, but not an attacking equality. It’s like a more peaceful equality. It’s that balance again. So.

Client: I found, okay, so I’m just noticing everything to criticize

Todd: itself.

Of course you can, the mind will pick up anything, you know, rubber band and will use it to attack me. I can use anything to attack me. That’s what it does. It will attack someone else. It’ll attack me. But as you question the mind, it becomes less angry and less attacking, and it starts to find the balance.

And that’s, that’s the process.

Client: Thanks for the process.

Todd: Yeah, thank you. Thank you for your honesty and thank you for your vulnerability and your willingness to, to bring all of that to. This session, and I love your [00:35:00] questions, so thank you. Thank you very much.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and go to the open sessions page. You can find out more about it, how it works, you can sign the release form if you care to join us, and then bring your own stressful situations to question or bring your own questions about the work.

And you don’t actually have to say anything in these open sessions. You can attend and just listen. These sessions are small. They’re only seven people, um, per session. And um, it can be a nice way of getting. Right into the work kind of firsthand, but with others as well. And while you’re there at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to look at a book that I wrote some years ago called Finding the Door to Inquiry.

And this is a. Way [00:36:00] to help you identify what are the stressful thoughts that I would like to question. Sometimes it’s not obvious and sometimes it’s worth spending some time, uh, sitting in what is it exactly that’s bothering me. So you’ll find that at the work as meditation.com under finding the door to inquiry.

Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called, the Work is Nothing but a Game of Warmer, colder.

The closer you move to the sun, the warmer it is, the further you move away from the sun, the colder it is. Did you ever play warmer, colder? It’s a game we used to play as kids, and sometimes even as adults. One person is blindfolded and doesn’t know where she’s being directed. The other person tries to direct her to an object without giving any clues except warmer or colder.

It’s a way of [00:37:00] seeing or feeling your way to the object. If she moves closer, the other person says warmer. If she moves farther away from it, the other person says colder, and pretty soon she zooms in on it. The work is nothing other than this simple children’s game. That’s why children can do the work.

You don’t have to be a psychologist or spiritually wise person to do it. All you have to do is pay attention to warmer and colder. But in the work, instead of warmer, colder, it’s peaceful, stressful. If you feel more stress, you’re getting colder. If you feel more peace, you’re getting warmer. It’s that simple.

There’s no need to understand why it’s stressful or why it’s peaceful. Analysis is not needed in the work. Just simple observation and reporting. Does the thought bring you peace or stress? That’s all I really need to know. [00:38:00] Moving out of stress is simple. Again, there’s no need to understand the stressful thought at all.

It’s enough to see that it hurts when I believe it, and it doesn’t hurt when I don’t believe it. All I need to move towards peace is to start moving in the opposite direction. The opposite of colder is warmer. The opposite of stress is peace. So by considering the opposite of my stressful thought.

Finding examples of how that opposite is true. I’m literally starting to move from colder to warmer, from stress to peace. I love Byron Katie’s example of the hand in the fire. When you’re unaware that your hand is in the fire, you rail against the paint, you blame God, you feel sorry for yourself. But when you become aware that your hand is in the fire, it takes no time to remove it.

That’s when what the work of Byron Katie does, it brings awareness. When I’m aware that my thinking is causing me [00:39:00] pain, I tend to move away from it, and as soon as I do, I feel the coolness of peace again. After that, it becomes almost impossible to put myself back into that pain. Why would I do that to myself?

I only put myself in pain when I’m not fully aware of what I’m doing. The work is a great way to feel your way to peace. It’s a great way to wake yourself up. And here’s a quote from Byron Katie’s book, loving What is uh, and it has to do with this idea of the hand and the fire. If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it?

Do you have to decide? No. When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it. The hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand through inquiry that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it Before the thought, you weren’t suffering with the thought [00:40:00] you’re suffering.

When you recognize that the thought isn’t true, again, there’s no suffering. This is how the work functions. How do I react when I think that thought and in the fire? Who would I be without that thought out of the flames? We look at the thought, we feel our hand in the fire, and we naturally move back to the original position.

We don’t have to be told, and the next time the thought arises, the mind automatically moves from the fire. The work invites us into the awareness of internal cause and effect. When we recognize this, all our suffering begins to unravel on its own.

Well, thanks for listening, and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media. Leave a review for the podcast wherever you listen to your podcast. And don’t forget, you can listen on my website, the work as [00:41:00] meditation.com, or you can subscribe to this podcast anywhere on Spotify.

On, on, uh. Podcast, apple Podcasts, and many other platforms. It’s available on all of them. Also, feel free to stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here, and also to find hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie, as well as information about the courses that I offer.

I. The community that I have for supporting you in doing this work and going as deeply into this process as you would like to go. So thanks again for being here, and until next time, have a great week.