Is Changing Focus During The Work of Byron Katie Beneficial? Stress Management Insights for Highly Sensitive People

Client: I have a question related to a worksheet. Okay? Okay. Not a specific one, but I noticed that when I’m trying to identify like any stressful thought I can. I think I land on the thought, but then as, as I’m starting to work, like doing the work on that worksheet, I can see that I’m not quite there and that some other thoughts are popping off.

So I was wondering what’s your experience with that and if you think it’s better just to like put that first thought like to the side and then work on that one you identified, or if there’s a benefit to like work on both or what would be the best strategy you think?

Todd: That’s a good question. That is a actually one that has come up many times with me and with my clients, with different people.

And I don’t have a, [00:05:00] a cut and dried answer for that. I don’t know, like there’s one right way to do that. Um, but I can share my thinking about it. So maybe you’ll have, um, some ideas as we, as we think about it. So, um.

Part of what makes the work meaningful is that I’ve chosen a thought that genuinely is stressing me, and sometimes it’s hard to find what is the thought that’s actually stressing me. And so my first attempt might be kind of close to what’s bothering me, but it’s not exactly what’s bothering me. It’s close.

My experience is that you can do the work on a thought that is close, but not exact. Um, and it will work probably 90%. It will work quite well. Uh, so [00:06:00] sometimes I just trust that I, it’s good enough. We’re not going for perfection. Here is good enough and, uh. Go ahead and do the work. So in that, from that point of view, I might just continue with the same stressful thought that, uh, that I found originally.

The other side of it is sometimes I’m going along and I’m like, oh my God, that’s really it. I get it now. That’s, that’s really what’s bothering me and it’s so clear and so overwhelming and so, um, there’s just not even a question about it that I just switched to that one and just start over doing my work from, from scratch with the new thought as the new.

Thought that I’m questioning, that’s also valid. Um, and then I go back, on the other hand again, there is [00:07:00] value. There is a, a certain I. Thing to be aware of that can happen when you’re doing the work and you’re, I’ve identified a thought and then you find another one and then you’re, oh, I’ll switch to that one.

Then the mind might start looking, oh, there’s maybe even a better one, and I’ll switch to that one. And then you can start going like, on and on and on, trying to find the perfect, uh, thought. And what really is happening there is the mind is just skipping. It’s just skipping along. And it’s not diving in.

Um. Uh, so there’s, if you, if you dig a well, there’s water pretty much everywhere. Some places have more water. Some people, some places have like pressure water, like they have all kinds of different kinds of wells, but you’re gonna find water probably in most places. Not every place, but most places. And it might be sometimes better to just.

Take stick with the one you already [00:08:00] invested, drilling like a pretty long ways. Then just keep going with that and finish and get some water. Otherwise, you can have a lot of small holes everywhere and you’re never reaching any water at all, and that’s worse. But if you have the time or if you really are getting, uh, you know, it’s, it is valuable.

That’s why I say there are two sides. It is valuable sometimes to find the really great water hole. Then just go there and really enjoy the, the, the insights that come from that. So. Like I said, I don’t have a one way answer for that, but those are the thoughts that that come up for me is I don’t wanna be skipping around.

I don’t wanna be just staying on the surface, uh, by changing my thoughts a lot. Um. Any thought in the vicinity, any thought in the area of the general stressful thought is gonna get you something and you’re gonna go somewhere, [00:09:00] even if it’s not perfect, like I often say I’m in the ballpark. That’s good enough.

I don’t have to be any closer than that. Um, and it’s also true that when I really nail it, it really does open something up. So all those things are true and you just have to decide. As you’re doing your work, uh, what feels right to you? Maybe I’ll just continue with this one. I’m close enough. Let’s keep going.

Or, you know what, this is so clear. I am, I’m gonna change to this new one, and that’s fine. And another option is finish the one you’re on. Maybe you go a little faster. Just finish it. Find the turnarounds, find, just finish that particular questioning of that thought, and then put the next thought on and start working like that.

Byron Katie actually has a good system for that. She calls it the sidebar, uh, where you, you start working on something and then you realize another stressful thought has come up. Then you just write it in the [00:10:00] side and you can write as many of those as you like. You don’t, you’re not breaking out of the inquiry that you’re working on, but you’re just making a note.

And then when you finish this one, then you can go to your new, your list and, um, go in and start working on that. So that might be, in a way, the best compromise or the best, uh, way of, uh, dealing with this. But I don’t like to make it a rigid rule. I think it’s, it’s, I’ve seen it work very well. In all of these situations, just keeping working on the same one, changing to the different one.

Um, you know, finishing one, then going to the other one. Um, all of that. And also keep in mind that it’s not usually just one thought that holds everything. It’s often a family of thoughts. And so I may have worked. The cousin and now I’m gonna work the person himself and, uh, I may need to still work. The [00:11:00] brother and the sister.

And, uh, this is a funny analogy, but basically there might be a whole family of, of related thoughts and you might have to work several different ones, even in several different situations before that thought really gets, um. Clear or it gets turned around and you really get the clarity that you’re looking for.

So the mind sometimes looks for the one. I’m gonna do this one thought I’m gonna find the. The kingpin, I’m gonna remove that and then everything will be done. It’s like the shortcut version of doing the work, but it’s not always like that sometimes, but sometimes it’s like I say, a family of thoughts and you might need to work a bunch of them, because each one is gonna give different turnarounds.

It’s gonna give different insights. You’re gonna get a different flavor, and all of those together may be necessary before. The whole thing starts to, um, become clear and your mind starts to relax and, and be okay with it. [00:12:00] So that’s my my thoughts.

Client: Thank you. Really cool.

Todd: All right. So any other question or anybody wanna dive in and do a little work? Hmm.

Client: I guess I could do the work on the, like my question was based on something that I want to do the work on, but I’m not really sure if that’s the specific thought that I want to question. And as you were [00:13:00] saying that, I was thinking about like the connected dots to that, and I think I found one, the situation is.

I am in a basketball team and I’ve been thinking about quitting for quite a while because there’s like a recurrent situation that keeps happening and it’s like, it’s, the work has helped a lot with it and like to soften it, but some parts of it it like, it attacks again and like it’s stresses me out a lot again and I kind of like wanna break out of that situation.

So I was, as you were talking, I was thinking about. I don’t want to be loyal to him. And I think I’m finding that reason behind. I always like to finish what I start, and like that for me is like finish a tournament or finish with the team until it’s done, or something related to that. So I think that’s what I want to do the work on in terms [00:14:00] of me wanting to quit and actually.

Finding or exploring a little bit more of the reasons why I am not able to do it for now.

Todd: Okay. Okay. So say more about that. Let’s, let’s, there might be some more brainstorming here. Like what? Say more about what are the thoughts like, uh, about loyalty and finishing what you start, what are the stressful thoughts that are making it, what are, what is, what are the thoughts that are making this stressful for you?

Client: So. I think it’s the fact of me like actually seeing it from the other side and thinking, oh, okay, I’m going to quit and I’m, I don’t wanna play with them anymore. I don’t wanna play for him anymore and do any of that. But I feel like I already made a commitment and with myself, I have that commitment too.

So I’m kind of like extending that a little bit more and putting myself in worse situations than what it should have been, because I feel that I’m committed to that. [00:15:00] Committed to him because I, I said, oh, you know what, yes, I’ll play for you and I’ll do that. But then I’m thinking about it as you said that, so I’m like, that could be a good one to explore.

Okay. Yeah. And that’s where the loyalty thing comes from, I think.

Todd: Okay. So the, the thought something, the thought something like, I’m committed to him or, or something like that.

Client: It, it will be more of a. Kinda like, I wanna break that commitment with him. Okay. And there’s the struggle with me because I’m not like that. So that’s,

Todd: and okay, so I wanna break that commitment and I’m almost hearing like I can’t break that commitment at the same time. Yep. Um, so both of those are two different sides of the same situation.

Um, I. Which one feels like [00:16:00] it’s the one that’s causing the most stress right now?

Client: I think the one that you just mentioned. I can’t break that commitment.

Todd: Okay. Okay.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: So is it true you can’t break that commitment?

Client: Yes. Almost 60%. Yes. Okay.

Todd: I like the percentages. So can can you absolutely know it’s true. You can’t break that commitment.

No. How do you react? What happens when you believe that you can’t [00:17:00] break that commitment, but you want to?

Client: I feel heavier. I start sweating a little bit just thinking about it. I feel the pressure I. Of doing it to just to keep my word because I said I will do it. So I feel that pressure of like just having to do it because of that,

I feel tension in my neck.

I feel how I’m going to be more stressed because I’ve, that’s what I’ve seen so far. That it just gets more stressful and worse and worse every time, and there’s like a bad energy going on and, and I just keep seeing that I, I see that I’m not going to have [00:18:00] the will to play basketball anymore. It’s like that’s kind of like being taken away from me a little bit Where, to the point where I don’t want to do it.

I feel like I’ll be in the, in that situation over and over again and that’s like, I try to carry all that already knowing that it will happen today or tomorrow or whenever there’s the next game will be, I feel trapped. I think that’s the key word.

Todd: And when you look back on when you gave your word, what are the images you see when you think I can’t break that commitment?

Client: I see that I was being honest. [00:19:00] Like I did it with the best intention

and I’ve always tried to put the, like, the best effort to do it. And I’m not seeing like the same return, like, like I’m seeing like myself as the one invested in it, but the person involved is not. Not doing it at all. It’s like not important. So it feels like I’m let down because of that a little bit too, because I’m like, I feel like I’m forced to fulfill that commitment, and the other person is just like not seeing it that way at all.

Todd: Do you see any other images of commitments in the past when you think I can’t break that commitment?

Client: Oh yeah.[00:20:00]

I’ve seen a lot of images of some things that I was like really close to finish and for one way or another I couldn’t make it. So that kinda like. Gets me right there. So it’s like I’m forcing myself, oh, I have to do it because I couldn’t make it at that time, or I didn’t have the opportunity to do it, so I have to, to take this and make the best out of it even though it’s painful or it’s stressful or anything.

So I compare that to those moments in the past where I was like, that close or I couldn’t even try. I mean try, but I was not given the chance. So I compare it to this time where I was given the chance and I’m like kind of like thinking about not continuing. So

Todd: yeah.

[00:21:00] Who would you be without the thought? I can’t break that commitment. I.

Client: Hmm.

I definitely feel lighter.

And it’s interesting because I see that he already broke that commitment, so. It makes it, like if he broke it, I can break it too, and that’ll be an equal value. Kind of like interesting in a way. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Todd: What do you see, um, specifically there?

Client: [00:22:00] Yeah. I’m seeing that my commitment is more with myself and. Not so much with him. So it looks like I was going to like completely one corner in one side, just, oh, I’m committed so I have to go through whatever, because I made that commitment, but that’s not true. I’m seeing that I can’t think about it if I wanna stay or not.

And there’s like more options right there. Just the option of seeing if I can continue or not. That’s a huge difference because before it was like, I have to continue because I made that commitment. So that definitely makes me feel a lot lighter just by having that choice. And at the end it’s true, it, it is my choice.

If I. If I just make that decision and stop [00:23:00] going, then nobody’s going to force me to go there and play. So it’s a real, it’s a real option right there.

Todd: The basketball police are coming.

Client: Right.

And it’s true like nobody’s paying anything for, it’s like we’re doing it for fun. So I’m just making that more serious perhaps than what it should have been in terms of that commitment. So I can see that as well. Hmm.

Todd: So turn the thought around. I can’t break that commitment.

Client: I can break it

and I can see it. Just like I said, if I don’t take it that seriously as a commitment of just like a. Game commitment, just like a regular commitment that has a lot less [00:24:00] weight to it, I can just say, no, I don’t want to keep going, and that’ll be fine.

There are no, the only relationship we we have is basketball wise, so I can break it because there’s nothing that will be involved in any other part of my life anyway. So it’s not that it depends on, on my job or something like that, where it would make me think a little bit more

Todd: and how is it okay? Even though you gave your word that you could break that commitment?

I.

Client: Hmm, because the situation is completely different to what it was before, so that’s okay too. I made the commitment [00:25:00] when the situation was completely different. There were not that many players that could play and things like that. Now there are a lot of players, so if I leave, then there’s not going to be much going on.

They’ll just put the next one in and that’s it. No. Actually not a big deal.

Todd: Wow, that’s really interesting. Your commitment was there to keep the team going so that if you let, so that you wouldn’t leave, at least there was, you’d be able to keep playing. Hmm. Interesting. So that’s not needed. Now you’ve, in a way, you fulfilled that commitment to keep the team going and now that it can keep going on its own if it, if you don’t want to continue.

Client: That’s true.

Todd: Any other examples for you why you can break that commitment, um, or you could break that commitment? Why? It’s okay if you break that commitment for you personally [00:26:00] inside,

Client: it’ll be okay because that will be being honest with myself. Because I can see how I’m forcing myself almost to go sometimes, and then I come back and it’s like, oh, I shouldn’t have gone, or something like that. So in a way, I’m not being honest and I’m forcing myself to, to do it. So it’ll be okay to say no and just stop that and actually focus on playing maybe on a different team or playing by myself that I’ve done so.

I see more options and that’s okay. Mm-hmm.

Todd: Okay. So is there another turnaround? I can’t break that commitment.

Client: My mind can break that commitment.

Todd: Okay.

Client: And I can see how, as [00:27:00] I say this, it is pulling me like I. If I had like the police, basketball, police on top of me just saying like, oh, no, no, no, you can’t quit. You have to stay here. Right, right. It is like, it’s like saying, oh, but once you, you, you give your word, then you just, you’re just committed and you have to follow it because that’s how you know, that’s how you work and that’s what is right.

So

Todd: that’s the thinking, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I recognize that. Yeah.

Client: And then because the mind thinks that if I’ll due, I’ll be just the portrait of what everybody says, oh, you’re quitting, so you’re quitting because you can’t handle it, or something like that, or. You’re soft or things like that, that are set in [00:28:00] sports. Mm-hmm.

So it’s in a way I feel like trying to protect me in a way. My mind, like trying to not see me like that. So it’s trying to pull me right there and stay there even though I’m having that, those stress moments and all that stuff. So. I can see it.

Todd: How about another turnaround? I can’t break that commitment to myself, or I can’t break that commitment to myself.

Client: Hmm.

Right. Because in a way, I think maybe if I quit, I. Then I’ll stop working out or doing exercise, and that’s the one thing that forces me to do it. [00:29:00] So maybe I’m thinking it that way of not doing it because I’m afraid that I’ll fall into that and I. And don’t do any exercise at all, just focus on other things, and that’s it.

Which, mm-hmm. I know it’s important, so. Mm-hmm. It makes a lot of sense.

Todd: How’s it possible that even if you break the commitment to the team or to your coach, that you won’t necessarily break your commitment to you?

Client: I can still play, I can do it just working out or on a different team, and that’s okay. And then just like I said, it is not that it’s going to hurt them anymore as it did before when there was not enough players [00:30:00] to play a single game. So that’s okay.

Then perhaps the energy will be different too. So that will be okay. Hmm. And that will be benefit that’ll be benefiting me and as well as them in that regard.

Todd: What do you think is your commitment to yourself in this situation? I.

Client: I think it’s

following that Yes, that I said I’ll be committed and I’ll play for you.

So it’s just like, follow through on that and just like, I’ll play for you. So if I break that, then it’s when the, I start feeling like, uh, if I said no, then I’ll be breaking my commitment.

Todd: [00:31:00] So is there any way of seeing, even if you say no, that you won’t be breaking your commitment to you? I don’t know if it’s possible, but, um, that’s the turnaround

Client: because that won’t be, I. I think I said yes to basketball and not him specifically, like we’re talking about basketball. So even though I said no to him, I’m not saying no to basketball anymore. I can still play anywhere.

Todd: Hmm. So

Client: I won’t be breaking that commitment with myself. Hmm.

Todd: Cool.

Client: Really cool.

Todd: All right. Well thank you. Um,

Client: thank you.

Todd: Yeah, so it’s interesting, [00:32:00] you know, we started that discussion with different, um, finding the stressful thoughts. And what I like to do, and we kind of did this at the beginning, is to just brainstorm a little more, keep brainstorming until I’m more. Clear. This is the stressful thought.

Uh, I want to question, and when I make a just brainstorm and just write a bunch of stressful thoughts, then I don’t have any pressure to find the perfect one. Then I can review what I wrote down and then. Pick the closest one that I can see from the list. Um, and that’s, that’s an approach I use a lot with my clients and with myself as well.

Just takes the pressure off. Like there’s, it’s like with writing, you know, there’s two phases to writing. One is just writing, get it out, and the other is editing, [00:33:00] choosing what you want to keep and what you don’t want to keep. And they’re two different parts of the brain. So if I’m using, if I’m trying to edit while I’m.

Trying to get it out. It can get in the way, so sometimes you just have to, blah. Get a whole bunch of thoughts and then just pick one and go from there.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard now, then go to the work as meditation.com. And then the open sessions page, and you can see the upcoming schedule. You can learn how it works and you can sign up to participate. These open sessions are limited to just seven people each time, and so it’s a very intimate setting and it’s a place where you can not only do the work or ask your questions, but you can also just listen live and you never know what questions or thoughts you may want to, uh, ask about while you’re sitting there.

Also, while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I’d like you [00:34:00] to go to the Work 1 0 1 page, which is all about the main course that I have introductory course in the work of Byron Katie. And it forms the, uh, the first part of. Joining the Inquiry Circle group that I mentioned earlier, this is where I give all of the basic training and actually some very in-depth, uh, training of how to do this process.

And I not only show you how to do it, but I show you how to do it so that you have the confidence to do it on your own. And so this training is a, uh oh. Ongoing process takes about nine weeks, and it’s something that I think you’ll find a lot of benefit from participating in.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Getting to the Root of How to Say No and Mean It.

People love [00:35:00] to be of Service, but. What if you don’t want their service? I’ve had to learn to say no and mean it, because saying no didn’t come naturally for me. Saying no is not always easy. It’s just one syllable of course, and oh no, but this one syllable can be the hardest sound to make for some of us, especially in the moment when it’s most crucial to utter this sound.

Not being able to say no is a debilitating handicap that I grew up with, but with practice, I’ve learned to find my voice. What is involved in saying no? Why is it difficult and how could it become easier? No, itself is not difficult. It’s what I’m thinking and believing in a particular situation that makes saying no so difficult.

And each situation is different because my thinking is different. In one situation, I can’t say no because someone expects [00:36:00] me to say yes, and if, uh, I say no, they’ll be disappointed. They may withdraw their love from me as a result, and I’m afraid of that In another situation, I predict that someone will be offended if I refuse to agree to them and I fear they may attack me as a result.

In another situation, I worry that someone may start beating themselves up if I say no and go into a depression because of what I said. There are so many different situations where no is difficult to say. But it’s always my perception of what will happen if I say no. That stops me. Instead of listening to my heart, my honest no inside, I get caught up in the other person’s business worrying about how they will react and trying to protect myself or trying to protect them.

There’s no magic formula for how to say no and mean it. There’s no external formula because [00:37:00] it’s always my internal thinking that stops me from saying no each time. My thinking is different in each situation, so I can’t simply apply a one size fits all technique. If I want to get to the root of how to say no and mean it to really mean it.

When I say no, I have to actually see things differently, and that takes real inquiry. In order to say no and mean it. When someone may be disappointed in me, I have to see that it’s okay for them to be disappointed in me in order to say no. When someone may be attacking me for saying no. I have to see that the attack may not be as personal or as terrible as I imagine, and in order to say no and someone will be hurt by my no.

I have to see that it’s not actually my responsibility to think for them and protect them. I have to see a lot of things differently in order to say no and really mean it, and that can take a lot of stretching and [00:38:00] changing of my point of view. My favorite way to change my point of view, of course, is the work of Byron Katie.

I. Instead of using a technique for saying no, I like to question my thinking. I like to play with lots of different points of view. I like to question my assumptions about the person, and when I do, I often find that my thinking was not actually showing me the whole picture. When I start to see these other points of view, saying no becomes very simple.

Here’s how I do it. I do the work of Byron Katie, which is four questions and turnarounds sometimes just simply called the work, and it’s a simple form of self-inquiry. I do this with any situation where I don’t know how to say no and mean it, and I may use a situation where I failed to say no. As a place to look at my thinking and question it.

So in other words, I may go back into the past, find a situation that already happened. I wanted to say [00:39:00] no and I couldn’t, and I use that to do the work on. Or I may even use a future situation where I know, uh, that I want to say no, but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to. The main thing is to find a real situation.

Future situations are a little harder to hold ’cause they’re future, but you can do that. Just make sure you give a detailed version of what that future situation is and then hold it as if it’s real. When I use a real situation, I know exactly what I’m thinking about in that situation. I’m very familiar with the reasons why I’m having trouble or had trouble saying no.

Then I literally write down my thinking and start to question what I wrote using the four questions and turnarounds of the work. I use a worksheet for this. I write my stressful thoughts about the other person. Person on a judge, your neighbor worksheet, which was designed by Byron Katie. And for example, um, if I was afraid that the person would disapprove of [00:40:00] me, if I said no, I would write a worksheet like this.

I’m afraid of her because she will disapprove of me if I say no. I want her to like me. And I’m, these are my answers on the worksheet, but each one of these is like line one, line two, line three, line four, line five, line six, and I’m just reading you my answers. So I’m afraid of her because she’ll disapprove of me.

It’s line one, line two. I want her to like me. I want her to keep being my friend. Want her to understand me. Line three. She should understand that my no is not a rejection of her. She should not take it personally. These are all my arguments with what is this is these are my stressful thoughts. That’s what I’m getting down on paper.

She should appreciate my courage to be honest with her. She should see that we can be closer when we’re honest. She should see that I love her. Line four. I need her to share openly why it’s hard for her. I need her to use it as the start for deeper [00:41:00] communication. I need her to be willing to be vulnerable with me.

I need her to thank me for being so honest with her. Line five, she’s scary, intimidating, reactionary, not understanding, and line six, I don’t ever want to feel intimidated to say no to her again. This whole worksheet is about a very specific incident. I’m just getting my stressful thoughts onto paper.

Then I go through and question everything I wrote. For each statement, I ask myself, is it true? Can I absolutely know it’s true? How do I react? What happens when I believe that thought? And who would I be without that thought? And I turn each thought around. She will do disapprove of me, becomes I will disapprove of me.

I. I will disapprove of her or she won’t disapprove of me. And I find examples for each turnaround. For example, I find that what hurts most is when I disapprove of myself. This actually hurts more than when she disapproves of me. I’m the one [00:42:00] who takes it all the way into my heart, and it’s also possible that she won’t disapprove of me, not as much as I’m imagining, and not more than I can handle, or more than our friendship can handle.

In this way, I look at every angle, and as I do, my thinking starts to shift. I find myself less afraid of her reaction and more empowered to say no. Doing the work on situations like this can be an ongoing process of learning how to say no and mean it. I’m not forcing myself to say no. I’m questioning the underlying thoughts and beliefs that stop me from saying no.

And in doing so, I often find that I can start to gain freedom in expressing myself in my experience. This gets to the root of the problem as I’ve done. These worksheets over time, my ability to say no has become stronger and in new situations I find myself seeing through my old patterns and I find myself spontaneously less intimidated to say [00:43:00] no.

For me, learning how to say no and mean it is a side effect of my ongoing practice of the work of Byron Katie. Through this practice, I’m becoming clearer, not only in how to say no and mean it, but in many other ways as well. If you want to learn how to do the work or start using it on a regular basis to look at all angles of your mind that you may not be seeing, I invite you to join us in my Inquiry Circle group and to take the work 1 0 1 course that I offer, and I’ll end with a quote from Byron Kitty’s book, I Need Your Love.

Is it True? Honest Communication begins with you communicating with yourself. It means responding with what is true for you. Regardless of how someone may react to your answer, first you have to discover what is truly you, uh, what is really true for you. A dishonest yes is a no to yourself,[00:44:00]

so thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, or post something on social media and leave a review for the podcast if you haven’t done that. And stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter or to participate in open sessions like the one you’re you heard here today.

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So all of that can be found at the work as meditation.com, and I encourage you to check it out. Thanks again for being [00:45:00] here. I appreciate you listening and I hope you have a wonderful week. Until next time.