Learning to Hear Yourself Again (Stress Management and Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People)

Todd: [00:00:00] Sometimes it takes an immersion to. Get into the work of Byron Katie. This is why different facilitators and myself offer retreats and places to go to dive into the work for a short amount of time, maybe a weekend or a week, and I. One of the ways that I like to offer this is in a virtual retreat setting.

This means that you can have that intensive experience of a weekend doing the work, but you don’t have to leave your home. You don’t have to spend a lot of money traveling. You don’t have to go through all of that. The program that I’ve set up for virtual retreats allows you to do the work as much as you want.

You can work around the clock if you really wanted to. The sessions go around the clock for two days and you come to as many of those as you like to. So I wanna encourage you to think about attending virtual retreats as a way of jumpstarting a practice of doing the work. These [00:01:00] virtual retreats give you a lot of experience in a short amount of time and a lot of opportunity to ask questions, and it’s just a great way to dive in.

So if you’re interested, go to the work as meditation.com and then go to virtual retreats.

Client: It’s I’m not quite sure how to put into words, but it’s the, it’s cultivating this listening for what comes up. And it came up in the context of a. A thought and it has all of these connecting thoughts and we may find ourselves, at a loss for which direction to go.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie, if you’ve never heard of it. It’s a way to question any stressful thought and ask yourself for any new insights, new wisdom, in ways to see that same [00:02:00] situation in a less stressful way.

I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, someone begins by asking a question about how to improve your ability to listen to yourself. This is something that we use in the work a lot listening to ourselves, but how do you improve that so that you can experience more, get more out of the work? And then later in the open session recording you will hear someone trying to figure out how to do the work on a situation where she got some lead poisoning after a kitchen renovation.

Who is she angry at? What is she blaming? What is the, what are the stressful thoughts? So we spend some time brainstorming and finding some options for how to do the work on this situation. And then finally, we’ll get into a newsletter article that I’ve written called The Problem With Labels, and I’ll be reading that to you.[00:03:00] 

So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together, A simple, powerful way to question what you think and start seeing things from a different point of view. So we’ll start now with the recording from the most recent open session. And as always, I like to share these as unedited recording, so to you can experience what it’s like to.

B with real people figuring out how to do the work. Asking their questions is just a very open and accessible kind of way. So let’s dive into this open session.

Client: I have something in the queue, but I was at the drop in session earlier, hold back a bit and give Susan the opportunity to go first. If you like Susan.

I really thank you, [00:04:00] Phil, moved to continue with something we were talking about in the review session which was, it’s I’m not quite sure how to put it into words, but it’s the, it’s cultivating this listening for what comes up. And it came up in the context of a question about, a thought and it has all of these connecting thoughts. And we may find ourselves, at a loss for which direction to go.

So often we’re encouraged in the work to, and especially in the work 1 0 1, to, be present with what is coming up. For example, if we are selecting on our judge, your neighbor worksheet, it’s something that has like the most charge. I see that as one example of what’s really real for me right now.

So my question is maybe. Less of a question and more of a can we continue, exploring this and I’m specifically interested in what [00:05:00] practices I might bring to or alongside the work to help encourage this listening, build this listening skill because I don’t consider myself to have it strongly, or at least to be aware that I have it strongly like it’s developing.

How can I cultivate that? Listening to what’s really real? 

Todd: Yeah. I think that’s common for most of us. We’re not used to listening, especially to ourselves. We listen to others a fair bit, but we also don’t listen to them. But listening to ourselves sometimes is the hardest one to do, and that’s what this work is asking in a way.

Really, we’re asking ourselves these questions and we’re waiting to find out what our answers are. And for that we have to be listening. What is, what are our answers? What is that? And sometimes it’s hard to hear that because. Because of that [00:06:00] lack of skill of listening. So it’s a great question.

How do you strengthen that skill? The first answer I can find for myself is by practicing that skill and doing the work is a way of practicing the skill. And what I find is over the years of doing it, my ability to listen to the subtler. Little things coming up inside of me has gotten stronger, so it grows with practice.

This work is a meditation and any form of meditation is going to bring that more lively in your life. More ability to hear yourself, more ability to be in touch with yourself, to listen to what’s coming up. And the work is no exception. That’s probably the primary thing I would recommend. But why not other, I do another meditation.

I know a lot of other people do other forms of meditation and it can be a really nice support [00:07:00] just to have that other practice of quieting the mind and settling in and being more in touch with oneself. But I also think that we sometimes have a, prejudice when we say listen to ourselves, that we think listening to ourselves means listening to some very faint thing.

That’s like really this whisper of truth, and sometimes it is like that, but listening to ourselves can also mean on the grossest level, listening to ourselves, like the screaming part of me. I don’t have to get too subtle to be able to hear that. That is me in this moment. So when I write a judge or neighbor worksheet, for example, when I identify a stressful situation and stressful thoughts, I am already starting to listen to myself.

So that in itself is a practice. Just writing a worksheet, just writing down the stressful thoughts [00:08:00] is a way of listening to myself and who cares if it’s like down to the finest hair. Of listening. I’m listening to the most the part that I’m hearing and that just doing that starts to create a kind of conversation with myself, like I’m speaking, I’m being heard.

There’s a flow back and forth. There’s respect. I’m not trying to push away what I’m feeling. I’m just expressing it like, oh, I hate this. I’m angry at this. I want this to change. These are my actual thoughts. Until I can hear those, how the heck am I gonna hear the more subtle ones? Anyway? So maybe that’s the first starting point, is to see if I can really listen and hold myself when I’m in the stressed position and tantruming and feeling, anxious and angry.

Yeah, 

Client: that’s really interesting because as you’re saying that, I’m realizing that the challenge is around [00:09:00] here, ironically, hearing the parts that are the loudest because through some form of conditioning there are things that are acceptable and things that are there that aren’t. And so there’s a filtering process and, the work is helping, at least for me, see those things, which, like you said.

Often front and center. It’s just that it’s not so much that the listening skill isn’t there, but maybe more like the allowing or something. Yeah. Like it’s okay, there’s like a walking 

Todd: or something, i’m not allowed to see that, 

Client: like the judgments portion. Oh I’m ha there’s a resistance here to writing, these judgments against a person was, for me, it was strongest there.

That really stood out to me. Yeah. Someone mentioned in, in this session in the I shouldn’t feel this, is like another thought that comes up and then you’re really at odds with yourself. 

Todd: Exactly. So that’s what happens to a lot of us. We’re trained [00:10:00] not to think negative thoughts.

Don’t say anything bad about anything. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. This is our training. This is what we grew up with. Many of us, some of us even more so than others. And so there’s this sensor built into. Our thinking that we’ve built over time. And so anything negative happens, we’re like, oh, can’t even hear that.

Barely admit that it’s actually happening. It’s over there. So then when you tell me to go listen to it, I’m like, listen to what? I’ve already pushed it away. 

Client: That’s so what I’m talking about. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. So this is a real practice for some of us to, it’s almost like coming out of denial, right?

Because it means I have stressful thoughts too, and I might have different beliefs about what it means to have stressful thoughts. And so to admit that I have them is gonna start to mess with my sense of who I am. Like I always thought I’m a really nice guy and I [00:11:00] still think that, but I’ve come out of that story a little bit too.

’cause I start to see what actually happens in my mind. I can be vicious, I can be mean, I can be just. Just the opposite of what I was thinking,

but I have to hold that really gently because otherwise I’ll attack myself for being that way. So that’s the trick with the work is we’re stepping in, stepping a little bit out of denial, but not taking ourselves so fully out of it that we crush ourselves, crush our spirit in the process. No, this is just.

Okay. How much can I handle? I can handle in this situation? I think he’s a jerk or something. Okay. I can’t believe I said that. Oh my god. But maybe I can handle it enough to write it down. And that’s the beginning. And over time, as you keep doing the work, you may get more and more comfortable with letting it out.

And that’s what Byron Katie [00:12:00] often says. People become pettier and pettier. As they write their worksheets, the more they’ve been doing, their work starts out like you’re it’s, you’re careful a little bit, and then as you start to trust the process and you realize nobody’s gonna get hurt, it’s not saying anything really bad about me.

We all have stressful thoughts. We all have this negative side. Like once you get comfortable with that, it starts pouring out. And once you realize that, every one of those thoughts is met with understanding. It’s not gonna be pushed back in my face. I’m not gonna be punished for it. I’m not gonna be made wrong.

The work is a way of gently questioning. F and who’s question, who’s answering the questions? The very part that’s angry or the very part that’s stuck, or the very part that’s hurt. So there’s no blaming and shaming going on. It’s more have you looked? Can you see? Is there anything you’re missing?

And once the mind starts to [00:13:00] trust or the ego starts to trust that’s what’s happening, that I’m not gonna be put, I’m not gonna be putting my face in it. I start to relax and then I start to feel confident that I can bring more stuff out and I can start to work it and I’m gonna continue to be held.

And this trust begins to build. And this is what I’ve witnessed over years of doing the work. I really trust the work now ’cause it’s just myself. I trust myself to hold myself when I do the work. And so now I can bring more and more scary things out, but. There’s still probably room for more. ’cause I know there’s still other scary things I haven’t brought out yet.

So that’s just an ongoing process and so the listening gets deeper, bigger, more comfortable over time. But I love that you went here and in terms of the loudest ones are the scariest. That can be just as much as the subtler [00:14:00] ones. So listening. Is like expanding the range of our hearing from more just like the spectrum.

If you’re gonna see the range of vision on the electromagnetic spectrum, you can see now into the x-ray and you can see into the radio frequency, right? Scan on both sides. So anyway, that does that does that help in any way with the, with that 

Client: very helpful. Yeah. I. For myself, I just, I can look forward to, because I’m realizing that trust, that’s a key word that stood out is like there’s a trust building.

There’s parts, so to speak that are reintegrating. I’ve heard that phrase a lot. So there’s an integration and you use the phrase ego or whatever we call this part that is all, conditioned to withhold or engage in defense mechanisms is like slowly learning. It like we’re creating this space for it to slowly [00:15:00] unwind itself or reintegrate itself back in.

So there’s a long term thing and that’ll happen in its time. Yeah. Like that, that, that’s just a process. 

Todd: Like the ego is scared of being destroyed, right? When I ask questions like, is it true when I ask questions like, who would you be without that thought? When I ask questions like, can you find a turnaround and reasons why the opposite of what you think is truer than what you actually think, like the ego freaks out at first ’cause it’s I’m gonna be destroyed.

But what happens when it goes through this process a few times, it starts to realize that. It gets freed, it gets expanded, it gets it’s like it’s a beautiful experience. It’s a liberating thing, and it starts to trust that’s where the end process is. It’s not like death or gore or destruction, it’s.

You can look it that way, but what the actual experience is expansion and life [00:16:00] and breathing deeper and all of that. So when that happens more and more, then you do start to trust more. Yeah. And then you do start to listen more because the only reason we didn’t listen is because we’re afraid that if we do it could be dangerous and once you realize it’s not dangerous, you start being willing to listen more, and then you start to hear more and it goes from there.

Client: Thank you for that. Welcome. 

Todd: Yeah, 

Client: helps me relax into the process too. Like I know that it’s happening on a lot of levels. There’s like immediate relief maybe in the moment, and a bit of a taste at first of some freedom some space, shall we say, around the thoughts, oh, I’m disidentifying it, but longer term there’s oh, I can bring whatever to this.

I can bring anything to this. And, no expectations about what’s it’s all accepted. It’s all okay. 

Todd: Yes, exactly.[00:17:00] 

All right. So any other questions from either of you or anything you’d like to do the work on or any other places you’d like to go? 

Client 2: We have around 10 minutes left. I haven’t done the work on this yet, so I’m not really prepared, but I just wanted to get some ideas, so I had I have been, I had my kitchen remodeled a year year and a half ago.

And since then I realized I, my tests have shown that I have a high level of lead, which I didn’t before. I had my kitchen remodeled. So I just found this out. So I really. I’ve been going through the different phases of being really angry and I’m not sure where to start because it’s, I can’t get mad at lead.

And then 

And then I also, I’m still dealing with some lime that’s not, I’m gonna have to go to now a specialist. And that’s, it’s just, I just feel like I have a [00:18:00] lot on my plate. And I just don’t know who to get pissed at except live. 

Todd: Yeah, that can happen sometimes, I just need, I know I have the stressful situation 

Client 2: and I just need to go, but who am 

Todd: I mad at?

I need to go back 

Client 2: to my notes because I know we address this in 1 0 1 and when we’re just doing one lineup and whatever, but I’m not there at this moment. 

Todd: What I do when I’m not clear what the stressful thought is or where I’m really, what I’m upset with or what I’m, when I’m not clear, then I just start by brainstorming and I just start writing, speaking the stressful thoughts as they come out, just randomly and then go back and look and see which ones seem to be closer to what it is, and.

So if you want, we can do that right now. 

Client 2: Okay. Let’s do what we can with the time we have. 

Todd: Okay. 

Client 2: All right. 

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good amount of [00:19:00] time for that. So you found out that you have a high level of lead, I assume, in your body? Yeah. Yeah, because of, it was like zero before 

Client 2: I had a comprehensive blood test, before the before the remodel and then had another one that’s it’s.

It’s high, it’s above, it’s up there. Okay. It’s I don’t know where it came from. Check the water, I mean everything. So I just feel helpless and I’ve been treated for it and it’s just barely going down. So something’s happening. Yeah. I feel helpless. 

Todd: So what, let’s just brainstorm.

What are the stressful thoughts around this? Like you have a high level lead. And what does that mean? What are you what are your thoughts? What are your first thoughts? 

Client 2: First thought would be, I guess it would be why me? And, I was so diligent. Okay. I really tried, I was so diligent on all the treatment and, it’s still there and it’s just, I just feel helpless.[00:20:00] 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client 2: Okay. I just feel like I got 

Todd: too much on my point. So there’s something there. So then there’s another thought. It’s I was so diligent the treatment didn’t work. Or something like that. Like the, there’s something we could blame, like the treatment. Ah, didn’t, it didn’t work. That could be an interesting one.

I could 

Client 2: get mad at my doctor. 

Todd: She didn’t, yeah. Or the treatment itself didn’t, 

Client 2: or just didn’t it’s a naturopath maybe I should just be taking drugs, so mad at I don’t know the doctor. Yeah, 

Todd: that’s one possibility. Let’s keep brainstorming. What else? What else are you. What is it about this situation that’s bothering you?

Client 2: I guess it, I feel a little bit picked on, I could see myself going back to when I was, I four years old or something like that, and so I just I don’t wanna revert, I feel myself [00:21:00] slipping into the victim role and I don’t wanna go there. So that’s that’s what bothering me is I feel like a victim,

Todd: yeah. Yeah. It’s what I find is when I’m feeling stressed and I’m thinking, I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to go there, it’s too late. I already am there

and that’s why it’s bothering me. So what are the victim thoughts? It’s not fair, or they’re picking on me. What are the victim thoughts? 

Client 2: Yeah, I was just, I keep going back to, why me, why, why it seemed like it happens to me. I’ve been. Dealing with different medical situations and it just, I’ve been trying really hard and

it’s just upsetting. 

Todd: Yeah. [00:22:00] Yeah. 

Client 2: I feel powerless 

Todd: That’s a good one right there. I did 

Client 2: my best. I thought I do my best. 

Todd: Yep. 

Client 2: So I’m not sure right. Better than bad is my do is a What’s that? 

Todd: I failed. 

Client 2: Yeah. I failed. And 

Todd: that is I failed. I did my best. So that’s another stressful thought. Yeah. 

Client 2: Yeah.

Todd: And then what are your thoughts about having lead poisoning?

What are your thoughts there? Are there any kind of stressful thoughts around that itself? Yeah,

Client 2: I’m just gonna affect, it could affect my, my, my brain. I have inflammation in my brain, so it could affect my memory and whatever other impacts it could do, like to the liver or the kidneys or stuff like that.

Todd: Yeah. Okay, good. So these are more things that can be [00:23:00] looked at in terms of, basically we’re just collecting a bunch of stressful thoughts and then these are options for you when you go into it. Why me is a question, so I can’t really question 

Client 2: no the 

Todd: question, but underneath why me is like something like, it’s not fair or they’re picking on me.

Life is picking on me. You can even write a worksheet on God or on life itself, or on nature, however you wanna see it like. God is picking on me kind of thing. I’m angry at God because

Client 2: yeah. 

Todd: God gave me lead poisoning, right? That can be an interesting worksheet. Ah. And then, so that might be fun to play with in a situation like this, or you can question what you wrote.

I’m powerless, right? Because the belief is I am powerless, but in this moment. Is like, how powerless am I? And that would be an interesting way to [00:24:00] question, or I failed. 

Client 2: Yeah. 

Todd: Or this is going to seriously affect my health. Yeah. Or, like that. 

Client 2: Yeah. 

Todd: Okay. Any other ideas for you as we continue brainstorming here?

How could you work this situation of getting high level of lead in your blood? Is there any other parts of it that are stressful for you?

Client 2: It can shorten my life that stresses me. Being vulnerable, I could die. 

Todd: Yeah. And in, and implicit in those are, I don’t want to die. Yeah. Yeah. And I don’t want to have a, want to have a long life. Yeah. So these can be questioned as well.

So this is how it goes. You just start and you just start building like, what else? Why do I feel this way? [00:25:00] Why? And you can just keep finding new layers of stress around this. How about the whole decision about the kitchen or the. People who made the renovation or and is there, are there any stressful thoughts around that?

Client 2: I guess I wish I had a house that maybe that didn’t have this if led, if this is where I got it, I have a lot of issues around my house and so this just adds to it. So I have a lot of worksheets I could do on my house. 

Todd: You could do the work on your house. You could write worksheets.

I’m upset with my house because it had lead, or I’m upset with my house because it’s ruining my life or, whatever. Yeah, no, 

Client 2: I can do a lot of worksheets on my house. I, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Or simply, I just wish I had a different house. Yeah. I wish I had a house that didn’t have lead.

These are stressful thoughts. [00:26:00] Why are they stressful? ’cause they’re arguing with reality. Reality is you have a house that has lead in it and this thought, I wish I had a house that didn’t have lead. Although you may want to maybe look for another house until you have another house. And this is an argument with reality.

Client 2: Yeah. 

Now would this be, if it’s 

Todd: stressful? If it’s not, then it’s just a wish. 

Client 2: Yeah.

Todd: Okay, go ahead. 

Client 2: Is, would this be a good situation to have the four turnaround? The four questions or maybe go more depth. In depth, like in the judge your neighbor work seat or one-liners. 

Todd: Yeah, one-liners or judge your neighbor worksheet.

What you’ve seen here is a little bit of both. It’s not fair as a one-liner, or I’m powerless as a one-liner, or I failed as a one-liner. Or it will affect my brain as a one-liner, or it will shorten my life as a one-liner. Those are a lot of one-liner. [00:27:00] But we also found judge your neighbor worksheets.

I’m angry at God because whatever, oh, or I’m angry. I’m angry at. Maybe that’s probably my mind keeps going back to that one. I’m angry at my house. That was another judge. Your neighbor worksheet? Possibly. Or you’ve originally said something about your doctor I’m frustrated with my doctor because, and you’ll find your reason with that.

So the way I like to do it is I take the stressful situation. And I start looking at it. I start brainstorming, what are my stressful thoughts about it? I just write everything down. And then some of those things will lead into writing a judge your neighbor worksheet, or two. Some of them will just be perfect the way they are as one liners and I’ll just follow my nose, listen to myself, really listen, where am I being drawn most?

And I’ll just go in one of those directions and. This is called exploration. [00:28:00] There’s no hard path to follow here. We’re building a path. We’re finding a path where there wasn’t one before, and the judge or neighbor worksheet is really good for identifying where I’m feeling like something else is causing me to be a victim so I can judge that something else.

It doesn’t even have to be a person. It can judge the lead. I’m angry at the lead for shortening my life or whatever. It could be a. That’s the lead is a neighbor in a way, or it could be a person. It could be the, it could be the house, it could be anything, and it could be just simple one-liners that make no reference to anything outside.

It’s just, I’m powerless. Okay. Why not question that or, I tried really hard. Okay. I failed. Question it or I don’t, I don’t wanna [00:29:00] die. I wanna have a long life. But these are one-liners. So what I’m saying is, this is how I do it for myself, is I just start write down a bunch of thoughts. Usually the first ones that come out, just trust those and then maybe I’ll find a one liner out of that.

Maybe I’ll find a judge or neighbor work sheet out of that really doesn’t matter.

I have some things that I can question. Yeah, Ryan hold on, Ryan, I’ve got, you’re on mute. 

Client: Oh, 

Todd: okay. Go ahead. 

Client: Oh, good. Good move. Like we were saying earlier today, it’s like, it seems like the ones that really want to be heard are often there first. And like even earlier in the call, we’re saying that if you think of that as the loudest, like what comes up right away, is one way of saying what’s really here?

What’s really strong? What comes up first? What. 

Todd: Quickly, right? What came up [00:30:00] first for you, Susan, was why me? That one came up right away. Like, why me? And be because why me is itself a question and it’s hard to question a question. Why me? Is it true? It doesn’t really make sense, but in why me is a stressful statement if you unpack it a little bit, right?

Why me means it’s not fair, that would be a one way of saying that, or why me means that. That I’m being picked on. So that could lead to judge your neighbor worksheet on God picking on you if you wanna think of it that way, or life picking on you. But the first things outta your mouth, you really trust that.

Why me? There’s something there. You can feel it, there’s a stress there. What is that stress in statement form that you could actually work? And, one of the things you said was, I’m, I was so di diligent and the treatment didn’t work, so why me? I tried really hard and I failed. So I failed. The why [00:31:00] me is coming is leading to that, so you can trust what comes up first, and then maybe sometimes you have to play with it and see what’s sitting underneath it, but.

More often than not it’s why me is an exception. Normally it comes out as, oh, I hate them, or they did this to me or whatever. It’s not fair. So you can just listen to what comes and trust what comes. Usually the first things that come are very right on point. 

Client: You can see, like when you pull, if you pull on that thread a little bit, then all those connecting dots are gonna come up or feelings or whatever.

Just boom. Yeah. Af right after that. And you see these kind of themes or something. 

Todd: There’s 

Client: like a bunch of thoughts over here, around this thing, and it’s like this image of getting to the core of that. The nucleus of that. But [00:32:00] any one of those is a path that way.

Todd: Yeah, it doesn’t matter. Like you could work, you probably won’t work. All of these things that we just found, but any one or two of those could be real inroads for. For unraveling this stress for you? 

Client 2: Yeah. I always like, don’t have to work them always what you say to, go back over them and you don’t, to judge your neighbor worksheet or whatever and whichever one kind of is really is a hot button for me.

Which one that really just, is hot is that’s the one I’m gonna go to. So 

Todd: yeah. Byron Katie sometimes says, which one has the most Velcro? Like it’s still sticky. It’s sticky, still grabbing me. There are different ways of saying it, but the idea is that there’s something that’s that that catches my attention.

I’ve listed a bunch of stressful thoughts, which one draws my attention. I go take it. Don’t have to work ’em all. But that one will probably be a good one. 

Client 2: Alright, thank you. [00:33:00] 

Todd: And they can’t do it wrong. We’re exploring, can’t explore wrong. I 

Client 2: love that. Yeah. 

Todd: Just, yeah. Awesome. Thank you for sharing those, your situation and your stressful thoughts and just this process.

It’s helpful for all of us, so thanks. Thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one we heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page. And there you can see the upcoming schedule. You can sign up and you can participate. These open sessions are for everyone. Only seven people can join in at a time.

But sign up for as many as you would like to and join us to ask your questions or to do the work. Also, I want to encourage you while you’re at the work as meditation.com to go to the Work 1 0 1 page and look at that course. That course was [00:34:00] designed for going a little deeper into the work of Byron Katie. So open sessions give you a taste of it. The work 1 0 1 gives you a full experience. There are 45 lessons.

Each one is probably an hour or so of work. We have videos, we have PDFs, we have exercises of doing the work. You’ll have a personal trainer and there’s a lot of material there to support you if you want to go into the work a little more deeply. This is do course, so you do it. Any pace that you like you will be working with a trainer, so that will allow you to have your questions answered.

I’m also available for answering questions, and there’s a lot of support there, so the work as meditation.com, and then the work one-on-one. Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called The Problem With Labels.

[00:35:00] You are an old rose, the label could feel like a relief or a hindrance. The problem with labels, when I wrote last week about the idea of the highly sensitive person, it felt like a relief to me. I mentioned that it felt like a turnaround, a new kind of self-acceptance that comes from finding an unexpected opposite.

And I heard from others who echoed this feeling of relief at better understanding themselves. But I also heard from people who had identified themselves as highly sensitive people years ago and felt that it was a label that was more limiting than freeing. Let’s look at labels a little more closely using this example.

The difference between a label and a description. A description is simply an observation. When studies were done, 20% of the population exhibited this trait called highly [00:36:00] sensitive, as defined by the researchers. It’s like observing someone and saying that some people have black hair and others have blonde hair.

There’s no label in the description itself, just information. A label on the other hand is the identification with a description. You are a highly sensitive person that defines you. There’s no getting around it. It’s your new identity. Or likewise, you are a blonde. The label takes on a life of its own. The person becomes secondary and the trait becomes primary and one feels confined by the narrow definition.

How to gain understanding without limiting yourself. The value of distinctions of any kind is to gain understanding. With understanding, we find compassion for ourselves [00:37:00] and others, and we learn how to take care of ourselves better. For example, when I came to understand that I am a highly sensitive person, I felt a kind of permission of sorts to be myself, even if my ways are different than others.

And I gained a greater appreciation for my need for rest. But if I start to define myself as a highly sensitive person, I can also become limited by the concept. I might start protecting myself too much. I might start withdrawing from others too much. After all, I’m a sensitive person, so I need protection, and so I might overuse this idea.

I might even use it as an excuse for not doing the things that I want to do. I’ve let the label become who I am instead of letting who I am be described in part by the idea. This happens with turnaround sometimes. Often, I’m so [00:38:00] happy to be free of the old, stressful story of myself that I inadvertently build a new story on the opposite side.

This too is not who I am. The reality includes a bit of both sides. I am sensitive and I’m also not that sensitive. Turnarounds are there for one purpose to bring in balance. If you have a story that you are one type of person and you question your label and find that you’re another kind of person, don’t make that your new label.

Just let the two labels balance each other out. Then you can be free. Then you are not defined by anything, even though you are. Yes, it is a paradox. This is what the work of Byron Katie offers a balance. I am sensitive, but I’m also not sensitive. I am a man, but I’m also not a man. I am intelligent, but I’m also stupid.

I am a good pickleball player, but I’m also [00:39:00] not a good pickleball player. Each concept balances with its opposite, leaving the real me free to play in any direction that it wants. Just because I’m sensitive doesn’t mean I’m not neurotic. The danger of any understanding is that it can become a substitute for direct experience if I take the turnaround to heart that I have a new perspective being sensitive.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m neurotic, so this can found sound great. It feels like a relief. Okay, I thought I was neurotic. Turns out I was just sensitive. But it can also become a place to hide. What is helpful about the turnaround is that sensitivity and neurosis are no longer seen as the same thing.

But what is not helpful is thinking that because I’m sensitive, I’m not neurotic. This swings too far away from experience. [00:40:00] Again, what is more helpful is to find understanding for my sensitivity, while at the same time keeping a lookout for neurosis, which is the result of believing stressful thoughts. I see that some things that appear to be neurotic are not actually neurotic for highly sensitive people.

They only look neurotic from the outside. But at the same time, I remain open to seeing any real neuroses when they do show up. After all, sensitive people can get deranged more easily than most. Only I can tell the difference from inside if it’s stressful. It’s not really who I am, but rather an imbalance.

That’s why I love the work without having to understand much. I can trust that my stress will tell me what to question. It will inevitably lead me to question my neurotic thoughts, not usually my sane ones. A label is a concept. If you feel trapped [00:41:00] by any label, consider that a label is also just a concept.

Who would you be if you didn’t see a particular trait that way? As a label, can you just let the trait be a part of who you are without it defining who you are? If so, you can walk around with lots of labels sticking to you, and they won’t affect you. You can own the truth in them without letting them define you.

That is freedom, a kind of freedom within boundaries. Work through your stressful thoughts on money. Money is one of the biggest stressors in our modern world. It can also be, can also lead to labeling. Have you done the work on your stressful thoughts about money? Spend 12 hours witnessing a recorded workshop or participants share openly their thoughts about money and work through them.

Then do the exercises yourself. This course is designed for anyone who wants to use money as a doorway to [00:42:00] come back home to themselves. If you can find peace in the world of money, you can find it anywhere. Take the Living With Money Course today and a quote from Byron Katy. As you lose the filter that I call a story, you begin to see reality as it is.

Simple, brilliant, and kinder than you could have imagined. This is from her book called A Thousand Names for Joy.