Managing Relationship Stress as an HSP: When ‘My Way’ Feels Like the Only Way

Todd: [00:00:00] By the end of this episode, you’ll discover how getting your way may look slightly different than you expected.

Todd: Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I’m your host Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I’m a highly sensitive person myself.

Todd: In this episode, you’ll discover how little moments of argument can lead to deeper trust in a relationship, why there are more options besides I win or you win in any argument, and how to find a peaceful path forward just by questioning a thought. [00:01:00] Today is another edition of Open Session Wednesdays. You bring your questions and stressful situations.

Todd: And I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Katie. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open sessions just as we did.

Client: So I, I think that everyone can, um, everyone can probably identify with this. Um, we’ve recently just moved house. We’ve just bought our first house together, me and my partner and It’s, uh, it’s, uh, so I said, I’m frustrated with Gabriella, my partner, because she won’t let me do things my way.

Client: She sees things differently. She is difficult on Gabriella to say yes, to let me do things, to be easy, to see what I’m doing is great. Uh, Gabriella should [00:02:00] relinquish control. See it my way follow. Should always tell me i’m doing a great job Um, I need gabriella to be happy With me leading to say i’m doing a great job Gabriela is ungrateful I don’t ever want to be stopped again

Todd: Yeah, what a great worksheet, you know this this judge your neighbor worksheet is so so perfect for Capturing those stressful thoughts.

Todd: These are not the thoughts we tend to share around with everyone, but these are the thoughts that are running inside. And I love how, how writing that worksheet brings them up to the surface so that we can look at them and, and begin to question them. So read your, your first line again.

Client: Um, I’m frustrated with Gabriella because she won’t let me do things my way.

Client: Uh, she sees things different. Yeah, [00:03:00] she’s, yeah, she won’t, she won’t let me do things my way.

Todd: Yeah, that’s a, that’s a great one to start with here. And before we begin questioning the thought, what, uh, is there any particular situation that comes to mind when you, when you think this thought?

Client: Yeah, so it’s um, as I said, we just we just got our first house together a week ago now and um, it’s We still have boxes and like it’s this morning, I’m blank the boxes and it’s um, it’s, it’s about coat hangers.

Client: I’m saying let’s just put the coat hangers in the cupboards. And she’s saying, don’t put them in the cupboard. Put, just leave them in the box. And this is not even joking. This is what like was what I was fighting from for this morning. And it’s, yeah, it’s ridiculous. But [00:04:00] that’s the situation.

Todd: I love it. I love that you’re bringing it up because it’s so relatable.

Todd: Um, I wonder how many marriages have ended over coat hangers. It’s probably quite a few. And this is what hangs us up. It’s this small, it seems small, but it’s not small. And what makes it big is, is the belief sitting underneath, which is what we’re going to look at now. So the thought you wrote was she won’t let me do things my way.

Todd: So is that true?

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true? In that situation, talking about coat hangers, she won’t let you do things your way.

Todd: So how do you [00:05:00] react in that moment when you believe on some level that she won’t let you do things your way?

Client: I feel stuck. I feel like I can’t, I can’t go forward and I can’t go backwards because if I, if I relinquish the control and say, yeah, okay, fine. I feel like I’m a, I’m a door, not a doormat, but I feel like I’m saying yes when I mean no inside.

Client: And if I was to, if I fight, then it’s like, it’s about co hangers. So I’m literally fighting over, it feels like tiring. And I feel like, um, I just, I have these stories that like, Oh, we always, we can’t do like tiniest thing. There’s always like these, this, these pictures that, Oh, I always wanted a house since I was a kid, my own house.

Client: And like, I finally have one and I can’t even, so I have a lot of. [00:06:00] Uh, a lot of confusion, which, um, is quite stressful.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: And I, and I pick her apart. I like, I don’t see what she does that’s good, and I don’t see You know, her good qualities. All I see is someone saying no, and it’s almost like I see it as she’s doing it for like the Principle rather than she’s just talking about Kohang. It’s for me. It’s almost like this is some kind of like, you know Dominance thing here, you know, it’s like it’s some sort of Oh my god It’s like

Client: Oh my god,

Client: so much confusion [00:07:00] Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: No, right on. This is how you react. Seems like a, you know, just a, it’s just one thought, right? She won’t let me do things my way, but it becomes this really important thing and, and like you say, dominance comes into it and yeah. Yeah. Where do you feel it in your body when you think she won’t let you do things your way?

Todd: I

Client: feel like body,

Client: um,

Client: I feel like my head is tight, like my jaw is tight.[00:08:00]

Client: Um,

Client: I feel like I’m all crumpled over and I feel it in my back.

Client: Maybe my stomach. I’m really, I’m really new at feeling these feelings, but I know it’s really important and I know that they’re there

Todd: and sometimes. Yeah, I would say there’s a real connection between emotion and the body. So, what are some of the emotions that you feel?

Client: Um, I feel sad.

Todd: She won’t let me do things my way.

Client: I feel sad. I feel like it’s really [00:09:00] sad because I just want to Make a house nice and you know, have it like this Wonderful movie where we’re kind of focusing on other lovely things I feel sad that I can’t like express myself and I can’t communicate with this this person So it’s very sad because I because my day was just like, you know, i’ll do a bit of organizing and then i’ll do some fun stuff and I didn’t even get to the so I feel like It’s like sadness that it can never uh

Client: And, and if I’m honest, I feel like furious, there’s a part of me which is like, even something small is like, um, on one level I know it’s small, but I think that that smallness is, is hiding like a furious, [00:10:00] a furiousness that someone is, um, sort of making it difficult. When it should be easy

Todd: Yeah,

Todd: so those emotions that that sadness that feeling of fury those Their feelings right emotions are feelings and feelings happen in the body also And so you may not be able to locate it super specifically but this is This is where those two meet right there. If you feel the sadness, it may start to, you may start to notice it in particular parts of the body as well.

Todd: Um, or the same with the anger. [00:11:00] And this can be a way to feel into those physical sensations. It’s not necessary. Um, but we’re in the, in the business of being awake more and more. And so if it’s possible, then yeah. Then explore, right, but I’m just pointing that out because you mentioned that it’s something new to you and can be something that you play with.

Todd: So any other reactions when you think she won’t let me do things my way? She’s saying let’s keep the coat hangers in the box. You’re saying let’s put them in the closet. Any other reactions in that moment that you recall?[00:12:00]

Client: Well, I, I lose myself totally in that. In, like, I lose myself totally on that. Like, I die on that hill. So prior to her saying anything, this was not a big part of my day. Now it’s like Such a big part of my day about this to be right about this So I I really lose my whole like day I had like my gardener and this tornado in the uk or whatever this hurricane I was gonna have the day off because my my client said to take the day off So I had this wonderful day off and I was gonna do all this stuff and it’s like This has become the most important thing of my day.

Client: So my whole day is like I lose I lose that I lose that openness On my calendar and I completely lose that like I [00:13:00] lose all all sight of balance and

Todd: yeah,

Todd: that is Reaction it like becomes huge. It’s uh, It takes over in a way it eclipses other aspects of life

Todd: so small thought big Effect. She won’t let me do things my way. So who would you be? when You’re talking about this idea of where to put the coat hangers. And she’s saying, you’re saying, let’s put them in the closet. She’s saying, let’s keep them in the box. Who would you be if there was no thought that she won’t let you do things your way during that discussion?

Client: I would just say [00:14:00] brilliant because that frees me up for what I really wanted to do today. I would say, yeah, you know, honey, you are right. Pretty much 10 times out of 10. Go for it. Um, I would let her be the leader because she’s so capable. She’s so, she, she lived on her own in another country. She can speak three languages.

Client: She’s like so good at this stuff, her purchases and her organization is amazing. I would just say like, I would let her be the. The teacher and um,

Client: and when when I suggest something if she says something I would actually listen to it For me and I would say yeah, okay Like yeah, you’re really good at this kind of stuff and

Client: and that’s why i’m [00:15:00] with you I mean one of the reasons why i’m with you I would be like on board in line And I wouldn’t take my sense of self from like I wouldn’t feel Emasculated or or something because someone is telling me No, it would be more like, it’s kind of like my no, actually, so I’d be really listening and I could just go about my day and looking forward to what next she’s, she says no about honestly, cause it’s easy for me to just say, yeah, okay, you do it great.

Client: You know,

Todd: and who would you be like you mentioned in question three, like that fear of being a doormat, you know, like don’t want to be completely Um, [00:16:00] overriding myself, who would you be without the thought that she won’t let you do things your way, um, without what, while still seeing your perspective?

Client: Yeah, I can see myself still having that idea to put things away. Like it kind of makes sense to me on one level, but I would, I had the thought earlier today when I was kind of meditating on this, that it’s like, I want to, I want to put the co hangers away, but I also want her to be happy, and if I’m putting things the way that she wants, the way that she wants to do that makes her happy, then it’s like,[00:17:00]

Client: it’s like I have a conflicting view, so of course I’m going to be miserable. With whatever happens, because I’m not clear in my head, so I could still think that it’s a good idea what I’m doing, but I could like, override myself and be like, I will not make this such a big deal, because it seems important to her, and it wouldn’t feel like I’m losing something.

Client: Um. And I could go to my car and organize my car or something ridiculous. I could go to the park and kind of let that whatever energy I have to do things there.

Client: I don’t feel like a doormat in that situation. I feel like a mature person that is like able to navigate, [00:18:00] able to be there with people, communicate, listen. It feels very empowering to be honest. It feels like that is a healthy masculinity. Yeah.

Todd: Okay, so we’ve seen what it’s like with the thought, and we’ve seen what it’s like without the thought. So how could, and really we’ve seen that it, how stressful it is with the thought and without it, how much less that is. So could the opposite be true? Let’s, let’s explore what’s a turnaround here. She won’t let me do things my way.

Todd: What would be an opposite?

Client: Um, I don’t let her do things her way.

Todd: Yeah. So how could that also be as true here in this [00:19:00] situation?

Client: Um, I’ve been doing a lot of the admin stuff for our house because English is my first language. And it’s just, it’s easier to do that kind of stuff. I do have to be doing a lot of it and she’s been wanting to do stuff to help with the house.

Client: I could have just. seen that this is one of those things that she could take care of and she would love to take care of and I could see that and not be like a control freak. And I could say, I know this would make her happy to feel like she’s contributing. So, um, I could let her, I’m not letting her do things her way because I’m trying to do everything, even though I know she would like to do it.

Todd: So seeing this just brings in a little bit of balance, right? I don’t let her do [00:20:00] things, um, her way, right? It’s like a, there’s a, there’s a balance in that when I’m only thinking she won’t let me do things my way. I’m the big victim and it’s all. Like, I’m, I’m suffering because of this injustice, but when you bring in the other side, there’s less of that feeling of injustice.

Todd: It’s like, okay, I’m not letting her do some things her way, some in some ways. And she’s not letting me do some things in my way, like to kind of balance each other a little bit. So any other ways that you don’t let her do things her way?

Client: Um, well, she just said. She just said to put them in the box. I didn’t even really listen to it.

Client: All I heard was what I actually heard was like, stop doing what you’re doing. I just heard stop. And she didn’t even [00:21:00] say stop. She was like giving a different solution. So I didn’t even let her speak almost.

Client: And I didn’t let her do things her way because she’s actually a really good leader. She’s a good leader because she’s a good follower as well. So. I didn’t let her, like, be the leader.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: What would have, what are some of the ways that letting her do things her way, what, what might have that looked like if you had, if you had done that?

Client: Um, well, if she said, let’s do it this way by putting them in the box, or whatever she said, I could [00:22:00] say, yes, let’s do it that way.

Client: It seems so simple, but it’s like, it’s so much, uh, it’s so simple, but I really feel like this is like foundational to our relationship. It’s like to just be able to say to someone when they say something that is a different opinion to yours and say like, yes, let’s do that. It’s, it feels like so vulnerable.

Client: I know it’s ridiculous about hangers, but it’s like literally. This small thing is like, it’s how you, how you interact with this person. I feel like that’s how I would let her do it her way. Just say yes, without having to like, think about it and be like, Oh, is this a good idea? Or is this [00:23:00] just say like, yes, great.

Client: With like enthusiasm. Cool option. Yeah, cool

Todd: option. So what’s another turnaround? She won’t let me do things my way

Client: Um, I won’t let things I won’t let me do things my way

Todd: So what could that mean in this situation about the coat about the coat hangers?

Client: Um, well, I always second guess myself. So if someone ever Puts up any sort of resistance.

Client: I immediately start questioning Everything like i’m very nervous and confrontationally averse. So, yeah, that’s very true. If anyone ever says anything, like, I’m really flaky. So, it, it, yeah.

Todd: Yeah, yeah. So, this is really good to see. It’s like, she has [00:24:00] a difference of opinion, but who is not letting you actually do things your way?

Todd: Is it her, or is it you?

Client: And, and I’ve been doing all these wonderful reading these books, like Byron Katie books every day. And I’ve been wanting to do a worksheet every day and I’m just not doing that. So I do, I read my books, but it’s still like not my priority. So I do all this co hanger stuff to put off doing what I really want to do.

Client: I’m not doing that with these coding is this coding is Shannon Miggins. It’s like, I’m not letting me do what, what, what I, I’m not letting me do things my way.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: You even mentioned your, you had plans for other things to do that day. Like you’re not letting yourself do things your way. Um, [00:25:00] it just gets taken over by the thinking in the moment, but it’s especially interesting.

Todd: Like when somebody says. I’d like to do it this way, and I and I’m thinking the opposite. Then if I just say, um, you know, if I If I fight it, I’m not really doing it my way. Um, and depending on what I actually want, I may be overruling myself when I actually have something valid to contribute as well. So it’s an interesting kind of weird place where, where relationships.

Todd: meet here, you know, in the middle. And as there’s sometimes discussion that happens or compromise that happens or understanding each side that can happen instead of only all or nothing, like, okay, either it’s my way or it’s her [00:26:00] way. And that’s it.

Client: So good, Todd. So good. Cause they’re not even my hangers.

Client: She bought them and never buy any of this stuff. Like the basket, she does it all. Like I could. And we have so much space here. I could, I could go and do my hangers somewhere else. And like you said,

Client: it’s just like, yeah, it’s like, we don’t have to compromise and be like, Oh, we’re spiritual. So we have to just. Yeah, I could go and do my own Hangers organizing elsewhere. I could go and buy some hangers. And yeah, thank you. That’s

Todd: Yeah, yeah, and that’s it, you know in relationship There’s areas where we’re doing things together and there has to be a kind of discussion and compromise and there’s There’s times when we’re doing things separately, and that’s where I get to do it fully my way, and that’s the beauty of [00:27:00] relationship.

Todd: It can be a little bit of both. Um, so let’s look at one more turnaround before we close. She won’t let me do things my way. What’s another opposite?

Client: She will let me do things my way.

Todd: Okay. How’s it possible in that very situation, talking about the hangers, that she would possibly let you do things your way?

Client: Well, my way is As I do these worksheets, it’s becoming more and more peaceful, a way of peace, and less to do with where things go in the world and stuff. So my way is the easy way, the way of surrendering and [00:28:00] saying, yeah. And I do think she’s a wonderful organizer and leader, so my way is just to follow her in many ways.

Client: At least around these types of things, she’s really good at, you know, I think that my way is really like my purpose is more to do the work and internal things. And if someone says, like, I’m learning to relinquish when you buy a house, you have to trust so many people, you know, electricians. People this, and you know, lawyers and stuff, and I’m just learning that you have to just say, yeah, okay.

Client: Like I trust you and maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t. And I think my way is just to trust and say, yeah, okay, that’s your department. You seem to be really good at this. Let’s do it. That’s my way is to, to trust. That’s, yeah.[00:29:00]

Todd: There’s. An old way and a new way or a stressed way and a peaceful way and just really cool what you’re showing here that there is a way that is more trusting or more allowing, um, that actually may work better.

Client: And she’s not telling me, you can’t do the work. You know, what is this work stuff? She’s always like, so, um, supportive of like anything that is actually helpful to your emotional well being.

Client: So. She really does let me do things my way. She always is like about things I really care about. Right. Right.

Todd: Excellent. Well, thank you for your work. Really, really relatable and really, really, uh, really core really when it comes to relationships. So thank you.

Client: Thank you.

Todd: In this episode, we looked at [00:30:00] how little moments of argument can lead to deeper trust in relationship.

Todd: And this happens when you look more closely at those moments, when you really look at what was going on and what you were wanting and begin to question that and begin to look at a broader perspective. Those moments actually are just the, the start of understanding the same dynamic, the same situation in a different light.

Todd: We also looked at why there are more options besides I win or you win in any argument. And this is where we all get locked into, you know, it’s either I win or you win. I don’t want to lose. So I end up, uh, you know, it becomes a fight, almost a power struggle. And what we saw in this, uh, piece of work was a lot of different options started coming up.

Todd: Like, actually, I’m, I’m happy to let my partner do whatever. [00:31:00] Um, you know, make this decision. I’m happy to, uh, look at how we could collaborate or discuss, um, options. There are many more options besides just, I win or you win. And finally, we looked at how to find a peaceful path forward just by questioning a thought.

Todd: Um, a thought is what holds us stuck in a particular position. And when we question that thought, it opens up a lot of room around it, where you can find lots of ways to, uh, connect with the person you’re wanting to connect with. Even if it looked like the road was blocked because it was locked into I win or you win.

Todd: So thanks for listening and I look forward to more sessions. Feel free to join us and I look forward to being with you again. In the meantime, [00:32:00] have a great rest of your day and we’ll talk to you later.

Todd: Dreaming of a stress free, balanced life? Visit trueinnerfreedom. com and complete the HSP Stress Survey. Gain clarity on your stress triggers, and enjoy a free 15 minute Inner Freedom Call designed to guide you towards lasting inner peace and fulfillment.