Memory Loss and Panic: Inner Work for Overwhelmed HSPs Facing Fear of Decline

Todd: [00:00:00] If doing the work of Byron Katie resonates with you, if it’s something that you’re interested in, you may want to go a little deeper into this kind of self-inquiry, and I’ve created a course, especially for doing that. It’s called the Work 1 0 1, and I’m really excited now to offer it in a way that you can start at any time.

You don’t have to wait for a set time for the whole class to begin. I used to do it three times a year. Now you can just start when you’re ready and you can work with a trainer. You can even work with me as a trainer, or you can do it, um, independently. And we have different, uh, ways of taking the class, but it’s a way of getting into the nuances of the course, of the, uh, sorry.

Of the work. If you’re. Still learning the process or if you want to deepen the process, but it’s also a way of experiencing this process firsthand and doing it in a more regular way. You’ll, you’ll have 45 lessons, 45 [00:01:00] assignments, so you’re gonna actually be doing the work in almost every one of those assignments.

And if you’re interested in learning more about yourself and exploring in this way, then the work 1 0 1 is a great way to do that. You can find more at the work as meditation.com. Then just go to the work. One oh one,

Client: I lost my phone. Couldn’t find it. Um, my wife found it in the fridge. And, um. My glasses were in the deli drawer. All that is hilarious. And that was funny and I made the most of it. Uh, but last week I went to do a writing session with a fellow writer and I drove home and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get out of my car.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a [00:02:00] podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie, if you’ve never heard of the work of Byron Katie, this is a very simple I. Way of questioning any stressful thought that you may have. We all encounter stressful situations, and normally we don’t do too much about it, but when you have this process called the work of Byron Katie, you can identify the stressful thoughts.

In that moment and then, uh, actually question them and see new possibilities, new ways of seeing the same situation. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, a participant in one of my open sessions does the work on a situation involving her own loss of memory as she’s getting older and she was. Stuck in a car and her own car and couldn’t find the handle to get out of the car.

And it was scary for her. And so we’ll do the work. We’ll go through the process of [00:03:00] questioning her stressful thought. And the thought she had was, it’s already too late to, uh, basically write a document to. Talk about how to do all of the things she needs to do, the passwords, the different things for her partner to know how to manage once her memory goes further, if it does.

So listen for that. And then after that I’ll be reading a, an article that I wrote, article called The Highly Sensitive Person, and it’s a book recommendation. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together, the simple, powerful way of questioning what you think. So here is the recording from our latest open session, and as always, I share the unedited recording so that you can experience this.

This process of inquiry in its raw form. That’s the way we all do it at home, and that’s the way I want you to see it when you’re, when you’re experiencing it. Here in this program,[00:04:00] 

Client: I’m really scared to death. I have not been diagnosed and it’s gonna take another 10 weeks to get back certain results, but. I’ve, I’ve been having memory issues lately, and everyone always says, oh yeah, I, I did that too. And it’s just, you know, a senior moment. But, uh, I lost my phone, couldn’t find it. Um. My wife found it in the fridge and um, my glasses were in the deli drawer.

All that is hilarious. And that was funny and I made the most of it. Uh, but last week I went to do a writing session with a fellow writer and I drove home and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get out of my [00:05:00] car. 

Todd: I 

Client: couldn’t, I couldn’t do it. I, I fumbled and fumbled and looked for the handle.

I knew that was what I needed to do, but I could not find the handle. And, um, as early as today, um, I sat in my car. I, I was dropping my dog off to be groomed. And they’re very, very strict about masks. The woman who owns the place is pregnant, and so we all, you know, mask up, but I couldn’t find my masks. And I looked in the glove compartment and I did find, um, a sealed brand new.

Package of one mask, and I tried and tried, and tried to get into it and I couldn’t do it. I, I, I would’ve needed scissors. I didn’t have them. So I thought, okay, I’m just gonna have to put myself at their mercy. And they gave me a mask and everything. When I got back in the [00:06:00] car, the masks were in plain sight.

They were in, like you didn’t have to even lift anything up. There was a mask on the seat. There was a mask in the little nook in between the seats, and it was just jarring. But by far, the scariest moment was, I can’t get out of this car. I’m gonna have to call my wife and tell her to come out here and help me out of my own car.

And then the, then the spinoff is, should I be driving? When’s it gonna happen next? Yada yada. 

Todd: Right. Okay. Yeah. Thank you for, for bringing this and sharing this, and if you like, we can do the work on it. 

Client: I would love to do that. 

Todd: Okay, great. So the situation is really clear. Um, it’s when you couldn’t figure out how to get out of your car, where, where the was.

Mm-hmm. So, um, what is. What is, [00:07:00] what are some of the, the scary thoughts or what are the stressful thoughts in that moment for you if, if you’re imagining yourself there, experiencing it firsthand right now, let’s just brainstorm a little bit before we decide what to work. Um,

how is this possible? 

Client: Like, how is this even possible that I can’t get outta my own car? Hmm. But right on the heels of that, right behind that is, holy shit, Elena doesn’t know anything about all the technology and where everything is, and I’ve gotta write her a a a a lifeboat document that says all the passwords and how the bills are paid and how they’re automated and who they’re from and what the account numbers are.

And it just, oh my God, I have to do that right now while. If I can, so that, that became extremely, [00:08:00] I was so, so I have to do this, I have to do this now. I have to, it has to be done before I leave on my next trip on November the 13th. That has to all be done, and it, it can’t, it’s too much information, 

Todd: right.

Okay. 

Client: Um, yeah. 

Todd: And, and was that thought coming up when you were in the car? Um mm-hmm. Already? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Client: Because I thought, if, if this is, if I’m already here, am I even gonna be able to do that other thing? Because I’ve had that other thing on my mind. And last month I went through a, uh, about about three days of extreme anxiety.

I was stuttering, I was shaking, and it was about that very issue. Mm-hmm. And I was trying to marshal all the stuff and get it all together, but at least at that time, I felt like I could do it in [00:09:00] the car. I thought, oh my God, I’m already too late. 

Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So that could be a good one. The question right there.

Right. I’m already too late to write that. Mm-hmm. Life quote document. Um, mm-hmm. I missed the window of opportunity. Exactly. Yeah. Okay, so let’s play with this, you know, there could be many angles to do the work on this, but this one I’m just, I’m, I’m following the stress that you are noticing and it’s leading towards here, so let’s, let’s do that.

Okay. So you’re already too late to write this document. Is it true?

Yes. Okay. And, and [00:10:00] when I’m asking you these questions. What I’m wanting you to do is be in that car, not able to get out. Like that’s the crisis situation, right? Mm-hmm. So be there when you’re answering all of these questions. Mm-hmm. So you’re, you’re already too late to write the lifeboat document and you absolutely know it’s true.

I can’t absolutely know. Okay, so how do you react? Sitting there in the car, unable to get out and thinking I’m already too late. I missed the boat.

Um,[00:11:00] 

Client: I just got over eight years of taking care of, of helping Elena take care of her mom who had dementia and. The last four years were just, it was just hell on wheels. It was hell on wheels. There’s just no other way to put it. And so that was present for me and I thought, I will not put my family through that.

So I’m already 

Todd: thinking of

I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m jump up into 

Client: my head in that moment, sitting in the car, I’m in my head and I’m thinking, okay. Okay. We’re done. We’re too late. So how am I gonna triage this? What’s the most important thing I need to tell and put down on paper so that eleena can continue to function, and then [00:12:00] I, I will take myself out.

Todd: Yeah. So it’s, it’s like a combination, right? You see the images from. Your mother-in-law, my 

Client: mother-in-law. Yeah. 

Todd: Then you see, then you see it’s too late and then your triage, it’s like panic. What’s the one thing I can do? Mm-hmm. And yeah, 

Client: I don’t even let myself envision the horror of it. I’m taking myself out.

Before any of that happens. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: So my, my, my one, my two jobs are just tell her the most important stuff and then find a way to just go away, write my note and leave. Yeah. 

Todd: So this is really clear. This is how you react when you think you’re already too late. [00:13:00] Yeah. To do whatever little bit you can left and then.

And then go get out. Yeah. Leave. Yep. Yeah.

Where do you feel it in your body? If you do? I’m already too late.

It’s really this fog like.

Um, muffled confusion and I feel 

Client: it, I guess mostly, mostly in my torso 

Todd: and a lot in my head. Yeah.

And how are you treating your wife when you think you’re already [00:14:00] too late?

I am shielding her from,

I’m trying to shield 

Client: her from the emotion of it. I, at the very last moment, I remembered that I had a flashlight. And my phone, and I looked at the door very, very carefully. I’ve had this car for like five years, so I looked at the door very carefully and um, I followed a design line. It was just a piece of chrome that was just design-wise, and I just followed it with my hand until I felt the the [00:15:00] handle.

So I got out on my own, but the following day I did tell her about it. And, 

Todd: um, but I, but I, I am so good 

Client: at game face and so she doesn’t, I, I didn’t show her any of the fear. Or the despair or certainly tell her anything that was going through my mind. I said, look, I have this thing to tell you and I just want you to know about it because you know, we’ll be able to backtrack if we need to, but it’s not a big deal.

Todd: Right. To downplay it. Make it seem like, yeah, big deal. 

Client: And I wanted to seem extremely, um, cogent, right. So I presented it in the, in a very cogent like [00:16:00] context. Yeah. 

Todd: You leave out the details that, oh, and by the way, I’ll be leaving you in very short time. Yes. Soon as I get to, I’m gonna commit 

Client: suicide just as soon as I get this document done.

Todd: Yeah, all is good. Everything’s together. No, not to worry, nothing to look at here. 

Client: You don’t have all the account numbers. You’ll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. So I’m, I’m completely, I’m completely, completely, uh, jumping over or skipping over or ignoring the whole,

how would that affect Elena if I did that? Yeah. Although given the last. Eight years, I’d be saving her a world of pain. So I still feel that. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. But what happens when you’re [00:17:00] thinking this is that you, you don’t, you don’t include her or even bring it up as to discuss, it’s just No. Yeah. I am already too late.

It’s like a panic mode, right? Yep. And I have to just act unilaterally quickly. Decisively, and too bad for anything. Any repercussions? Yeah. Yep.

Okay. So who would you be sitting in the car unable to find the handle the door. To get out. Who would you be if you didn’t have this thought coming in that you’re already too late to write this lifeboat document that you wanted to write?[00:18:00] 

It’s really interesting. Usually that 

Client: question stops me because I, I just can’t not be where I am or not think the thought, but it was very clear that I, without the thought, I’m already too late. There’s this weird 

Todd: fascination with. Being in my car

and not knowing how to get 

Client: out it. It’s not a feeling of being trapped. It’s like, oh my God, this is so 

Todd: [00:19:00] unusual.

It’s.

It’s, it’s like brand new territory. It’s like, um,

uh, 

Client: I’m gonna say this, and it doesn’t feel like this, but it’s the, the closest thing I can find. It’s like being a baby and not, you know, not being able to do something you’ve never done before. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. 

Client: So there’s no. It’s just like, huh, what is this and where am I? So it’s, it’s a, it’s a kind of a, a 

Todd: nice, there’s interest, there’s curiosity there without the thought.

Yeah. So, you know, close your eyes and. Experience that [00:20:00] like really let that experience be like in the car with no story of having to do a life dot lifeboat document. No, none of that. Like look around the car. What do you see be there in that car innocently like a baby. What’s it like? Describe it for me.

I mean, it’s comfortably dark. It’s

the,

Client: the not knowing feels If I, if I get my fear out of the way. Which is really hard because all [00:21:00] of the, um, other images are just dying to come in and fill up that space. But if I don’t, when, when I keep them out,

rather than be able to describe the car to you, it’s more like I 

Todd: feel like I’m in new territory.

I feel kind of like I’ve graduated to a new

level

Client: of not knowing, which is something I value. I mean, as a Buddhist, I don’t know, is one of the meditations I. So it becomes the next level of practice. [00:22:00] 

Todd: Wow. Hmm. 

Client: Dunno. 

Todd: What we’re seeing is, there’s two ways to experience this situation. One is, yeah, panic, and the other is, don’t know in a kind of really good way.

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: And it doesn’t mean we’re just looking at this hypothetically. It doesn’t mean you can experience it that way at Will, but if that thought wasn’t there, I’m already too late. A flavor of that starts to come in. 

Client: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: So what we’re seeing is the effect of that thought, I’m already too late. As soon as that comes in, the panic starts and any of what you just saw is not available, but without it.

Mm-hmm. This whole new experience is there.

So let’s [00:23:00] try turning the thought around. I’m already too late.

Client: Um, there’s still time. Would that be the turnaround of the thought would 

Todd: be good. Opposite. Yeah. There’s still time. How could that be possible?

Client: Oh God. It’s interesting when you turn it around, you get a, I get a taste of how deeply lodged the original thought is. ’cause turning it around, there’s still time. The little demons are saying, oh yeah, there is still time to do it, but you’re not gonna know if it’s correct. I have screwed up. I can’t even tell you.

I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve screwed up numbers and, um, dates and [00:24:00] times lately. I mean, Eleena knows now not to, to double check, you know, and call people and make sure that, so yeah, there’s still time for me to think I’m doing it. But I don’t trust that I would be able to do it accurately, which is just a feature of the other thoughts still, still imposing itself.

So I don’t know. Still 

Todd: hanging on saying it’s still already. Too late. Yeah, right. So we’re just looking at possibilities. ’cause we don’t know until you actually try it. It could be, you’re right. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not possible to do it with accuracy, but we haven’t done it yet. So considering possibilities, how is it possible that it isn’t actually too late and that you could do it accurately enough for it to be, uh uh, a functional.

Lifeboat document [00:25:00] for your wife? 

Client: Yeah, I could. There is still time because I could have Elena sit next to me and say, okay, I have this form that I’ve created and I’m gonna fill in the numbers. I just want you to look at the numbers and make sure that the bank, bank account number that I write down is the bank account number that we’re looking at.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. So, you know, she can help me. 

Todd: I love it. It’s even if it might be too late to do it on your own, it’s not too late to do it with her, 

Client: to have it done. Yeah. Yeah. 

Todd: She could be, she could be ver, you could be logging in to each account, just see if the login works. You could be, who knows, like verifying things step by step and then mm-hmm.

If one thing doesn’t work, you could be, um. Requesting a new password or something. Right. There’s different, 

Client: yeah. And it could be a great sort of learning experience for her to [00:26:00] do that with me to, to run up against an obstacle and solve it in the way that I normally solve it so that she can see how she could do it.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: It might be a better lifeboat document than just creating a perfect text, handing it to her, and then she has questions, but you’re not around, you know? 

Client: Yeah, yeah. 

Todd: This is like a training where you’re, you’re actually one-on-one with her and verifying each step and or questions Yeah. Bring up things you didn’t even think of to, to include in the original document.

Client: Yep. 

Todd: So it might not be too late. That’s, it might even be, it might even turn out better this way. That’s kind of where we’re leaning a little bit, right? Yeah, 

Client: absolutely. Yeah. 

Todd: Like you could have done this five years ago or whenever, a year ago and had it all wrapped up with a bow, but [00:27:00] it actually wasn’t accurate anyway because there was less, less back and forth verification.

Um mm-hmm. So these are just possibilities, but there’s some very tenable possibilities here that, that, yeah, it’s not necessarily too late and that balances out the possibility that maybe it is right, or there’s another, it makes it almost insignificant in a way. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Um. Any other examples come to you for that?

It’s not, it’s uh, what was the story again? What was the turnaround? 

Client: It’s not, it’s not too, oh. Uh, there’s still time, 

Todd: there’s still time to create this thing. 

Client: Mm-hmm. Um, there’s still time in that. Theoretically I could hire someone to do it. I could say, here’s the, the, the information that I want conveyed [00:28:00] is this and that and the other thing, and I could hire someone.

To do it for me theoretically. Yeah. So I’ll just put that on the It could happen. 

Todd: Exactly. And both of these examples sort of require not thinking that I have to do it all myself. Mm-hmm. So it’s kind of an underlying belief in here that I have to do this all myself. I have to take care of myself, myself.

And if that isn’t there, more options start coming up, which you’ve already seen a couple of. Right.

Okay. Um, any other examples for you?

Client: I don’t know if this is an example, but if [00:29:00] I can have this kind of a coherent. Conversation with you then, like I’m not

forgetting what the keys are for yet. I’m not at that point yet. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: So there’s still some time. 

Todd: I didn’t experience you getting lost at any point in our discussion here today. 

Client: Right, right. 

Todd: So. There may be some actual, you know, physical things going on. I don’t know. It could be that there is something happening on the level of the brain, but mm-hmm.

Um, it’s not showing super strongly. Certainly not in this moment. And one wonders, regardless of what the actual state is, how much is due to panic? ’cause even a young kid in a panic state can. [00:30:00] Can lose ability to think clearly or to do things. I’m not saying putting the phone in the wrong drawer or anything is not, is due to that.

But the the man, the thing is I’m already too late. Right? Mm-hmm. And how much is that thought driven by the panic versus the actual situation? So. We don’t know. We don’t know. Like I said, you have to wait for a diagnosis. You have to see what’s, what the actual situation is, but it looks like it ain’t over yet.

Mm-hmm.

So anything else starts to be like future story? Oh my gosh, it’s already too late, but maybe it’s not quite too late. Yeah. So I’ll let that be when that is. And for now, [00:31:00] what can I do?

Okay. Well thank you for your work. Thank you. Really, really nice. Yep. Okay. So anyone have any comments or anything you wanna share? Just listening to Tina’s work.

Client 2: Um, I was relating it to very different situation in my marriage right now. Um, 

Todd: I can barely hear you. Can you? Oh, okay. Maybe come a little closer to the microphone or something. 

Client 2: Okay. Can you hear me better now? 

Todd: Little bit. 

Client 2: Little bit. Okay. Um, anyway, the too late concept, um, just resonated with me well and um, [00:32:00] has me considering maybe being open and having a little honest conversation with, with my significant other of.

Questioning some of his behavior and wondering like if there’s some other underlying things going on, because I’ve been avoiding conversation and I feel like it’s been like shielding myself and trying to protect my beliefs even though I haven’t asked him directly. And um, and I think there could be some memory things going on with him that he is.

Um, ashamed of, ’cause he’s young or younger. Um, and they’re causing trust issues in our, within me. So, um,[00:33:00] 

just, yeah. So thank you for sharing. I just, I was surprised to find like I am. Finding, like I feel like I’m not gonna believe whatever he tells me and I, and haven’t had the conversation. So I have some work to do around that, like, wow. Interesting. So, and I’m sorry for your experience. That is scary. So, um, so that, thank you for sharing.

That’s, and it’s so real. Um, just makes my heart. Feel so, um, so sweet that you have a beautiful relationship with your wife, it sounds like. 

Client: I do. I do. 

Client 2: And, um, that’s, it’s nice to hear about, 

Client: yeah. We just celebrated 20 years. 

Client 2: Hmm. Sounds beautiful. 

Todd: Thank you Mary. Yeah, thank you. [00:34:00] I love how listening to the work on someone else doing their work starts to show me.

Things about my own life and my own situations and things that I can work or things that start to become clearer just listening. That’s the beauty of this work. Byron Katie often says, there are no new stressful thoughts. They’re all recycled. And so in a way, I think that’s how we relate to each other.

There’s a similarity of experience. And, um, that’s why I love being here with you. I gain from it and I think we all gain from listening to each other. Um,

if you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard now, I. Then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page. And there you can learn all about these open sessions, how to sign up and how to join us, and do your work with us or ask any questions you may have about the work of Byron Katie.[00:35:00] 

And while you’re there, I encourage you to check out my private sessions page. This is where you can sign up to do the work one-on-one with me in a private setting. We usually meet on Zoom and it’s a way to, to do this work, um, with full support. I’ll give you my full attention and support you as you go through these questions and see what you discover within yourself as you do.

Again, go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the private sessions page. Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called a book recommendation. The Highly Sensitive Person, some plants feel Every Breath of Wind, the highly sensitive person. These days I’m reading a book that really resonates with me.

The highly sensitive person by Elaine and Aaron. I first heard about the idea that some people are [00:36:00] naturally born as highly sensitive and that it’s not a flaw from a friend. About a year ago, I was reminded of it again a few weeks ago by another friend. So I did the research and looked it up, and this book was written by the person who first researched it back in the 1990s.

For me, the book is a turnaround. The author through examples and reason turns around the idea that being sensitive is an abnormality she clearly distinguishes between neurosis, imbalance and sensitivity. Extra sensitivity is natural in some people. In fact, 20% of all humans and 20% of all higher animals, uh, possess this particular trait.

The problem is that the two things get confused, sensitivity and neurosis, or sensitivity and inhibition, they’re not the same things, and I find this [00:37:00] reframing to be very freeing. There’s nothing wrong with me for quote unquote thinking too much or noticing the minutiae that others don’t really care about is just the way I’m wired.

While being a highly sensitive person has its limitations, it also has its advantages. It comes with a lot of creativity, empathy, and ability to think deeply, but this kind of person needs extra care as well. Highly sensitive people are easily overwhelmed for all people. There’s a sweet spot somewhere between under stimulation being bored and overstimulation being overwhelmed.

This is a different spot for each person. For highly sensitive people, the point of overwhelm is reached much sooner than for others. For this reason, they need more time to unwind and more time to sleep, and they need a way to retreat on a regular basis without this [00:38:00] extra self-care. She calls it, uh, dur caring for the infant inside of us.

So without this extra self-care, highly sensitive people can become stressed and neurotic. I love that it comes back to self-care. She recommends many ways to keep the balance, and I felt like I was being held and cared for. Just by reading her suggestions, they gave me ideas for how I can take care of myself even better and reduce that place of coming to overwhelm.

The work of Byron Katie is another way to reduce overwhelm, and the author of this article of this book on the Highly sensitive person recommends meditation and self-care of all kinds. And I would add to her recommendation doing the work of Byron Katie. It has helped me so many times in the moment of overwhelm to calm back down and find balance.

With tools like the work at our disposal, [00:39:00] highly sensitive people can feel bolder to venture into the world and share their gifts and participate dynamically. If you think you might be a highly sensitive person or know someone who is, I highly recommend this book. The work 1 0 1 is better than ever, and I’m really happy with new developments in the work 1 0 1, allowing people to go at their own pace and to have a personal trainer who does all the assignments along with you.

And I’m currently training several people, and I love the fact that I’m often doing the work now two or three times a day as a result. I’m also excited about the new self-study version that is almost ready, and I’ll be introducing the first 15 lessons in the next week or so. This highly affordable version allows you to lead yourself through the exercise and material and refer back to it with lifetime access.

I’ll be letting you know when this is available soon. So let me close with [00:40:00] a quote from Byron Katie, and this is from her book, A thousand Names for Joy. For people who don’t have inquiry, the ego may say there’s no way back, and then the thought may be, I’m going insane. But if inquiry is alive in you, you can’t attach to any frightening thought.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Katy or a bird, or a galaxy or a rock or a tree, or a grain of sand.