Navigating Overwhelm: The Work of Byron Katie for the Sensitive Person in Highly Stressful Situations

Client: How do you usually approach like situations where you don’t want to like put too much. Thought into something that brings stress. So I feel like it’s kind of, not that you don’t want to see it, so it doesn’t hurt you in a way, but it’s like more like you don’t wanna focus your attention into that so it doesn’t grow.

So how do you, how do you approach those situations? Like to do the work, but without going to the extreme?

Todd: Mm. Yeah, that’s a great question. That is a, a general principle of the mind, you know, what you put your attention on grows. Uh, and so it’s a concern sometimes when people are new to the work of, uh, I’m, am I putting my attention on the negativity?

Am I putting my attention on something [00:05:00] that is stressful or negative or, or a problem? And is that going to end up. Causing me more pain or even re-traumatizing myself. You can re-injure yourself from doing that. Um, and so there’s a little caution there. Okay. Well, hmm. Uh. I want to work through my stress.

I want to be free of that, but is going in and looking at it, going to cause more stress and going to create a bigger problem as a result of that. That’s a, that’s a legitimate concern actually. So how do you, how do you approach a situation like that where you don’t. You don’t really want to make it worse, um, and you don’t want to, uh, re enliven it in a way that’s going to cause additional trauma, [00:06:00] then how do you approach it?

How do you approach it? Um, so I guess the first thing that comes up is just understanding the work itself as a, as a tool, as a way of. Um, approaching things. There’s a big difference between opening up something that was traumatic in the past and, and looking at it and, uh, re-experiencing it. There’s a big difference between that when you’re doing that without the work and when you’re doing it with the work.

Um, the work. When you’re using the work itself, it itself is a way to approach situations like that because what are we doing in the work? We’re not [00:07:00] trying to figure out what happened. We’re not trying to analyze it or understand it so much. We’re just trying to let any stuck part inside get heard. Then be understood, be listened to, but then also questioned.

And so when you, when you know that you’re approaching an old situation with the idea of questioning it, it’s a little different than when you’re just approaching it to understand it or to try to see what it is or just to look at it. Because when you’re just going to look at it. You’re going to see all the devastation and the how terrible it was, and you’re gonna remember all those feelings and there’s no direction past that.

It’s just, that’s the end point. Oh, okay. I’m looking at it and isn’t that terrible? And uh, oh my God, I feel terrible now and this is, why did I go here and now I’m having flashbacks and I’m, yeah, it can be. It can be [00:08:00] terrible. So that’s when you’re just approaching it to look at it by itself. Um, and if the mind is open enough, even looking at, it doesn’t have to be traumatic.

I’m exaggerating here just to make a point. But if the mind is open enough, it may also start to see that with a more perspective. But when you’re coming with the work, which is a. Program designed to help you digest stressful situations. It’s a, it’s like a, it’s like a special set of questions that you’re bringing.

That’s allowing you to go beyond the first experience of stress and experience something bigger and see if there’s other ways of seeing the situation and seeing if you can find, uh, compassion and understanding for others and for yourself in the same situation. It’s like the work is a way of [00:09:00] trying to open and expand the mind even on a particular stressful situation.

So if you’re coming. Towards an old situation with these four questions and the turnarounds and this idea of, let’s see if we can find another way of looking at it. Just that can make that same memory, that same stressful situation, be nontraumatic when you approach it. So I guess my. Short answer is that using the work itself is, uh, a great way of approaching any kind of negativity because it’s not just, doesn’t just stay negative.

We have questions like, is it true to kind of make you say. Oh, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it was. [00:10:00] Or who would you be without the thought? And maybe there’s a, a, some space that opens up or turn the thought around and experience the opposite of what you are thinking and play with that. So my experience going into different traumatic situations, both with myself and with clients, is that it, it gets lighter, it feels lighter.

People sometimes ask me, don’t you get bogged down by listening to stressful stories all day and hearing other people’s, uh, stress and everything, but that’s not my experience. I feel light at the end of the day. I feel like I’ve been inspired many times when I’m listening to people’s stressful work because stress is just the starting point of the work.

It just starts there, and then as you work through it, it actually opens something bigger and there’s like relief that comes. There’s laughter that comes, there’s, there’s, uh, [00:11:00] sweetness that comes in. And that’s the result for me of doing the work. It’s just starting with something stressful. So that said, that’s probably the biggest point that I want to make is that the work itself.

Does not dwell on negativity. It just starts with negativity and it transforms negativity. And when you transform negativity, what do you get? You get something very positive. So that’s, that’s probably the, the most important thing. But, um, there are some other things you can do as you’re approaching stressful situations that are very strong for you or that are very, um, you know, that work traumatic for you.

And that is, uh. Number one, be gentle and take your time. Maybe just make sure you’re, you’re. Open for that. Um, don’t push yourself to do it. ’cause if you’re pushing yourself, then that’s when the work doesn’t work as well. And that’s where you can end [00:12:00] up just getting back into this stressful cycle of believing what you were believing.

And then you can go down into the vicious cycle again. So don’t push. Be gentle Check with yourself. Am I really open to doing this work? If yes, great. If not, I. Okay. There’s plenty of other stressful things I can do to work on and kind of build my muscles for doing the work. And when those are stronger, then I can go and work on something that’s a little bit heavier weight and I can handle that.

Um, the other thing that can help is if you. Have something that’s kind of more heavyweight. If you work with somebody who has a lot of experience in doing the work, you know, for example, a facilitator, someone who’s done a lot of the work themselves, then they can also, um, make sure that you’re. Doing the work in a way that is [00:13:00] gentle and also, uh, keeping in the work.

Because what the mind can do when it starts to get into a stressful situation is it gets distracted by the stress of it and starts going into believing the stress and getting caught up in the story. And so a facilitator can. See you starting to do that and just say, oh, no, no, we’re just doing the work here.

Come back to the question which is not stressful, is, you know, who would you be without that thought? Or, you know, just notice how you’re reacting. Don’t go into believing. Um, and so there’s a fine line of when you’re in and out of the work and a facilitator can hold you with that. When you stay in the work, when you stay with the four questions, it’s safe.

It’s a hundred percent safe ’cause you’re there. Mm-hmm. Working with what you’re believing, challenging what you’re believing, and starting to expand on what you thought was there. And you’re starting to see something bigger or something different. And [00:14:00] that is, uh, you know, that’s, that’s an inspiring process.

It’s, it’s, uh, it’s an opening kind of process. And so if it seems like it’s too much for you and you can’t quite hold yourself in the work, and that’s the problem you get. Taken out of your work because of your own stressful stories, then having a facilitator hold you can be a great way to approach situations that are something that seems overwhelming to you.

Um, so, and, and the other thing with facilitator will do is when you notice, uh, or when they notice that you’re. Taking a turnaround too far and maybe starting to beat yourself up with it, or you’re getting, um, you know, just getting to like, you’re seeing, you’re limiting yourself or you’re exaggerating, or you’re doing things in a more of a extreme way, uh, within the work, they can just [00:15:00] bring you back to the central, central spirit of the work, which is a gentle, uh, easy.

Way of looking for balance in the situation. Um, so I would say those are probably, um, the most valuable things I could offer in terms of how to approach a situation like that. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t push yourself and work with a facilitator if you need it. Even just, um. Yeah, and even anyone, sometimes just working with a partner can be very helpful in that regard.

Um, but having that extra experience can help. But just remember that it’s the work itself, the four questions and the turnarounds, they will meet you anywhere. You can go into any deep, dark hole. And these four questions will help you shine the light in that hole. And when you have light. It’s not scary.

You just see things as they are and it’s, it [00:16:00] becomes totally digestible, totally understandable. And what seemed like, uh, like an overwhelming kind of situation may turn out to be, uh, totally okay. You know, I’ve, I’ve worked with people who’ve had PTSD like really serious types of traumas and situations and, and it’s amazing to see after, sometimes after an hour, sometimes after two hours of doing the work, how that perspective of that situation, the feeling of that situation changed even though the details of the situation are the same, but the feeling is different and the way the person is seeing it.

Is different. And then the feeling inside is a lighter heart. So it’s valuable to work these deeply stressful situations and traumas from the past. But, [00:17:00] um, just make sure you hold to the work. That’s the lifeline. That’s what will keep you, um, from getting carried away into negative stories. Yeah.

Client: Cool. Thank you.

Todd: You’re welcome. Work is powerful. It’s so simple. It works on, it can work on anything. It’s up to you, but it can work on anything. It can work on the tiniest little stress and work on the biggest hugest stress, and it can bring you back home. That’s what its job is to just point you and say, Hey, where’s the home again?

Where’s the peace? Again. All right. Over this way. It’s not over here. It’s over here. And if you follow the directions, it will point you back home every time. It will point you back to peace every time. It doesn’t matter how scary the [00:18:00] monster is that you’re seeing this. Just follow the directions. Okay.

What am I thinking? Oh, it’s a monster. And then, oh, how do you react? Oh, it’s like, it’s terrible. I’m scared. And, and who would you be without the thought? Um, okay. I’m not sure what this is, but I’m open. And then turn it around. It’s not a monster, and you see like, oh my gosh, okay. I can see some reasons why it’s not a monster.

And in the end you start finding the truth of the. The balanced point of view, and that’s all balance brings peace, and the work always points you back there. If you just follow that point, uh, follow that pointer, then it will lead you out of any deep, dark hole and bring you back to a place of home, a place of comfort, place of light, place of peace.

Yeah, that’s, that’s how it works. Very simple. You know, [00:19:00] I, I, sometimes the analogy I use is, uh. The work is like a compass and it tells you, you start out by looking at, uh, it points you where’s the stress, so it points you okay in this direction. That’s the stress. I can feel it. Where’s all this most stress?

It’s right there. And you go into that stress and then you do this work and, and then nap work points you in the opposite direction, turnaround and says. If the stress is there, then try going in this direction. And so you turn around, go in that direction, then it miraculously brings you out of stress so you can trust it.

It’s very simple. Um, and, and yet, of course. There’s subtlety to it, and it does help to have experience, as I mentioned, to support you. But the basic principle is always the same. And in all the years of [00:20:00] doing the work, I’ve consistently found that it just points me, right? It does me, goes me, helps me go in the right direction in terms of, in the direction of more peace.

And that’s all. That’s all. So. Yeah, it’s a great question. ’cause the work can be used to deal with any kind of thing When you’re new to the work, it, it can be overwhelming to try that. Um, it may be too much for you in the beginning, and so be gentle and take it one step at a time. Work with small situations.

They’re huge as well. And, um, you know, when you’re ready. Those big ones will will be there for you and you can use the same approach for them as you would for any situation.

Client: Cool. Thank you.

Todd: Yeah, thank you. Great question.[00:21:00]

So anything else anyone wanna bring up or add on or think about together?

Client: I guess I could ask another question about finding the stressful thought, like in a specific situation, like I noticed sometimes I would get angry at something I. I know I’m angry, but I can’t quite figure out exactly like the reason behind it. Like, I know maybe something was said or something, but it’s not like I can look into it, but I, I feel like that’s not the cost of the stress, so I don’t know.

How do you, how you can like, dig a little bit [00:22:00] deeper like how to. How to try to find what the stressful thought actually is, instead of like trying to work something that you seem or perhaps looks obvious to anyone.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Client: But you know, it’s not the real one.

Todd: Yeah, I know that. I know that feeling.

It’s, um, you know, finding the stressful thought to question is as much meditation. As going through the four questions and the turnarounds and finding your answers, uh, to those questions. Um, so it takes time. It takes time. And stressful thoughts I find tend to be layered. So it seems like, uh, I’m angry at them because they’re late, and then I can question that.

Um, but underneath that, it might be [00:23:00] something different that’s actually bothering me, and maybe it’s not even angry. It’s maybe a sadness that’s actually there and maybe, you know, who knows? Like there’s, there’s nuance and layers within a stressful situation. There’s what they actually did, there’s what I’m.

Thinking they’re doing and there’s also any kinds of number of fears and wants and, and, um. Other types of stressful thoughts, uh, lying there. So how do you get there? How do you find what’s really bothering you? You have to meditate. You have to give it time. You have to keep asking yourself, is that it? Is that it, is that closer?

Is that really what’s bothering me? Is there anything more? And give yourself time to, to think about it. And, and sometimes it’s easier than other times. Um, but [00:24:00] if you can’t find it exactly, you’re probably close. It’s probably close enough. You can still do the work on the thought that isn’t exactly why you’re upset isn’t the perfect reason I.

You can still do the work and get a lot out of it. And then what can happen is maybe you do the work on the first layer of it and at the end you realize, oh, it really wasn’t that. It was something else. It was this. That’s what I was really thinking. And so sometimes. It takes going through the whole process of questioning a thought before you realize that it was another thought that was really bothering you.

And so you can repeat the process and then go through that again and see if there’s anything left. And maybe there’s another one, right? So layer upon layer, you can go through the work. You don’t have to get it perfect on the first try because, uh, it, it’s close enough. You’re in [00:25:00] the ballpark, right? He was late.

I can just do the work on he was late and find all kinds of interesting, stressful, all kinds of interesting insights from questioning that stressful thought. Um, but at the end of doing that, it might turn out that there was some other stressful thought that was even more what was bothering me. So great.

Let me do the work on that. So you can get caught in a loop of perfectionism, trying to find the perfect one, and then I can’t even start the work because I’m trying to find the perfect one. Uh, and that can be a trap. So just be aware of that. But at the same time, give yourself a little time, give yourself a little meditation to see.

What is bothering me? I mean, that’s a, that’s a question like how, how often do we really allow ourselves time to think, okay, he is late. What’s really bothering me about [00:26:00] that? Why is that bothering me? What is, what is he doing when he is late here? What’s going on? What am I believing? What am I thinking?

Like. That’s a process, and if you sit with it and give yourself time with it, you may be surprised at the things that start to show up. So when I say meditation, what I mean is I’m asking that question and I’m letting it go into, who knows? Into my insides, into, into my internal space. And I’m just letting it go.

And I’m waiting just quietly. I’m waiting to see what might pop up, what might show up, and whatever shows up, I’m just gonna write it down. I’m just gonna notice. Okay. Yeah, and then you’ll get, you’ll start getting some more stressful thoughts to, to question. So that’s the meditation of identifying the stressful thought.

And it can [00:27:00] take some time, take a few minutes, can take longer, can take, can take a long time. Um. But whatever you get, even if it seems superficial and not exactly perfect, you can run with it, start doing the work on it, and then see again at the end if that was it or if there’s something more, and then repeat the process, um, you know, for some bigger issues.

I know I, I worked, worked on for years, and each time it comes up, I, I look again, what is it that’s bothering me? And look again and find new angles and new slightly different stories that I’m believing. And over time, I may actually, uh, get to a place where I’ve really, um, I’m really dealing with what’s bothering me.

And keep in mind that it’s sometimes not just one thought. We have this idea that I’m gonna find the one thought and then when I [00:28:00] work that one, the whole thing’s gonna release. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes it’s many thoughts, all a collection of different thoughts, and I’ve questioning one and that lightens my load.

But then I need to question another that will lightens it a little more. And I keep questioning. I might question 2030, who knows how many I have sitting there. And of course it’s probably infinite. You can’t question all of them, but sometimes just questioning multiple thoughts, suddenly the whole thing starts to fall apart and now it’s, it’s no longer an issue for me.

So these are all different ideas or strategies that you can play with as you’re identifying stressful thoughts, but it is. It’s, in my opinion, as important as going through the four questions. And at the same time that I say that, don’t get stuck on that. Like, oh, this is really important. I have to do it perfectly.

So if you can balance those two things, that would be, that’s what I try to do.[00:29:00]