Not Spending Enough Time at Home? Inner Work for Overwhelmed HSPs Feeling Pulled in Every Direction

Client: well. Um, I’ve been scheduling my work lately. My, my. Training that I do, and um, I’m noticing, like right now I’m pretty busy, which is great, but I am doing a lot of work away from home and it’s more convenient for me sometimes to stay in a hotel one night than to drive all the way home through Los Angeles traffic and then drive back and then teach a class and then drive home and then drive back again.

It’s like. Five hours of driving for seven hours of training, and that’s just too long a day for me. So I’ve been scheduling myself at hotels near the client site and it makes it a lot easier. But I’m all gone along a lot [00:04:00] and even though my husband’s not complaining about it in me, I can’t shake off this feeling of guilt that I’m not spending enough time at home.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So

Client: I’m not spending enough time at home.

Todd: Great one. Okay. So. Is that true? You’re not spending enough time at home with all this travel that you’ve been doing?

Client: Well, I’m looking at it, yes.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Okay.

Todd: And, and you absolutely know it’s true. You’re not spending enough time at home.

Client: Nope. No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you believe this, when some part of you is thinking you’re not spending enough time at home?

Client: I feel guilty. [00:05:00] Um, like I’m abandoning. I. My husband and my dog, and then I, and then I switch back and forth to, but they love having the, you know, they love having time to themselves too.

I don’t know about the dog, but my husband probably, you know, and he, he never complains. So I think, oh, Wendy’s all on your head. And I start looking for ways of rechanging my schedule, but that doesn’t work. I end up. End up traveling more and then I’ll drive instead of stay at a hotel. And then I’m really tired and, and so I keep trying to fix it.

And I look in the past where I actually look in the past and see the positive of it. Um, when we first met 20 some years ago, he, I did this, I traveled a lot for work, and we only saw each [00:06:00] other a few days a week. That seemed to work. And now for some reason I’ve changed in my mind that, that, oh, that now that we’re old, another worksheet, um, that shouldn’t, it shouldn’t work so well.

Todd: Interesting. Yeah. New situation. We’re old now. That definitely doesn’t work. Right.

Client: And, and of course I laugh at that, and then I realize I’m not ready to stop working. I still love what I do. I’m getting healthier and healthier, so I have more energy and I, I love what, and so then I. To have this two-way conversation with myself, you know, the, the angel and the devil talking about, but you love what you work and he loves having the time to himself and, but you’re not being in the relationship and you’re not doing your part in that, you know?

So yeah. And [00:07:00] then I see this future of me being home all the time and him asking me, don’t you have some work to do on the road?

Todd: Yeah, the real debate starts happening inside. It

Client: does, and yet, and and, and it’s coming up more and more often, so that’s why I wanted to do the work on it, because, you know, I can’t logically or peacefully think of any reason why that’s even true, but I’m, I work so hard at trying to schedule things so that I’m home more.

Yeah. Okay.

Todd: Okay. So who would you be without this thought, that you’re not spending enough time at home?

Client: I, I’d be loving traveling. I don’t mind the drive. That’s when I can [00:08:00] listen to books and music and, and then when I come home, I’m really happy to be here and I don’t get. I’m tired of being here and I enjoy, I enjoy my husband. I know he loves having his time alone too, so that when we see each other it’s, it’s sweet.

You know? We have missed each other, so we like each other.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: And well, we always like each other, but we get along really well. But then without the thought, I know that. The time away, both of us being very independent people and also liking that time alone. It works for him that I’m gone, that he has a house to himself and no one talking to him.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: right. So [00:09:00] yeah, without the thought. I am delighted that I happen to have the kind of work that I can be gone and schedule myself at a hotel. And it’s peaceful for me too. I don’t have chores, you know, I don’t have to do any dishes or laundry or anything, and he does all that on his own too. I don’t have to do it, but I mean, I, there’s no dishes or laundry looking at me asking to be done.

Todd: Right. You’re in a hotel room. Yeah.

Client: And someone else is gonna clean that up too.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

Client: And it’s peaceful. I do get a lot of work done and it makes my work, gives me more energy. I’m not as tired ’cause I haven’t driven, you know, three hours to get there and five hours or four hours to get home or whatever.

It just depends on the day. And I can go from class to class energized,[00:10:00]

so there’s no downside to it.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Isn’t it weird? It’s like, you know, you find something that has no downside to it and you have to do the work on it. Yeah.

Todd: The mind will will make up something, you know, and then start feeling guilty. And what it did in this case is. I started believing it’s not, you’re not spending enough time at home and suddenly the whole thing becomes, uh, stressful.

The power of a thought, power of belief, it’s

Client: just something, and that, that part of our mind, it’s like, this is too good. You need to look at that. Right.

Todd: Don’t enjoy this too much. Right. Okay. So how would you turn the thought around? I’m not spending.

Client: I’m spending enough time at home, in fact, just enough, and I look forward to going home.

So after 20 years, we’re not tired of each other. It’s [00:11:00] still exciting to see him or, and he gets excited to show me what he did. I was gone. ’cause now that he’s retired, he is fixing things in the house and right now he is out pressure washing the driveway.

Todd: I love it.

Client: And he keeps asking me what else to add to his list.

’cause he wants a nice long list. Right. So it’s, that’s pretty nice. And

Todd: so they are spending enough time at home. Why else? Is that true? Just

Client: enough? Yes, that’s true because, uh, and I’m. I like my home as well. I’m comfortable in it. It’s, it’s a cozy, nice little place, and I don’t have to do the heavy work. He does everything that I don’t do, so there’s nothing being undone.[00:12:00]

Yeah. I do spend enough time at home and I, and I, I get bored easily with repetition, so, and every day in my work is different, and if I spend like a week at home, every day’s the same, so I get bored.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What was your biggest, uh, proof, or I thought that. You weren’t spending enough time at home when you originally thought this.

Client: When I started getting all these free points on my, of the hotel company, I, I stayed at the same chain of hotels and they, they’re like, use some of your points. They’re, you’ve got, like, I could live there for a month.

Todd: So it’s

Client: like, oh, I’m gone a lot.

Todd: [00:13:00] Right. Suddenly that’s a lot. Um, so how is it possible to still have that many points and still be spending enough time at home? Can the two coexist?

Client: Well, I could see it as, um, abundance. Just looking at it like I, I have everything I have. The time I want at home. I have the time I want on the road.

I have my privacy time to myself. My husband is also like me that we, um, are very, uh, introverted and so that he gets time without me there, which allows him to reenergize. And so I look at that as. Me medically, emotionally, and intellectually stimulating and healing.

Todd: Hmm hmm.

Client: [00:14:00] Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. That’s really cool.

Actually

Client: get

Todd: energized by spending time alone. It’s a,

Client: that’s where I get my energy. I mean, even doing the work takes energy, takes effort. It takes effort talking to my dog.

Todd: Yep, yep. I can.

Client: Yeah. If I went on one of those shows where you to live there by yourself for a month and not ever talk to anything, I’d be only a month.

Todd: Right, right. So it’s almost as if you’re comparing yourself to people who are more extroverted. Your, for you energy comes from being, uh, having alone time and for your husband too. Yeah. And so it’s a, it would be an unfair comparison to think, oh, I’m not spending enough time. It would be not enough time for somebody else maybe, but in your case.

Client: It’s possible I may be spending [00:15:00] another one too much time at home.

Todd: Yeah. Maybe I’m spending too much time at home. Just to, just to throw the extremes around and, and keep looking for balance. How is it possible? Hmm. Huh.

Client: It’s possible because when I do tell him I’m going to, you know, I’m gonna be gone two days next week, and then I’m gonna be gone the whole week after that, then I’ll be back for two weeks and then I’m gone for three weeks and he goes, good.

Todd: That might be a clue. He’s not, he’s not, uh, begging you to stay.

He is not disappointed. Yeah. He thinks it’s good.

Client: Nope.

Todd: And says so and

Client: he is happy to see me when I come home. He never makes me feel like he doesn’t want me here.

Todd: That’s a really great piece of evidence [00:16:00] too. ’cause

Client: Yeah,

Todd: if he was really kind of. You know, you’re getting the sense like he wasn’t happy. Then you might begin to question, am I really spending enough time at home?

But that’s not happening from what I’m hearing. Mm-hmm.

Client: No, that’s nice. Okay. Um, I’m not spending enough time I home in me.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah. My work has me. Working with lots of people all the time.

So the um, time that I spend at home, I do recover from that. But the time I spend alone in a hotel room with not even a phone to bother me is, is at, is now. It’s beyond. It’s not just recovering, but [00:17:00] now it’s filling me back up again,

Todd: right?

Client: So there’s one level of like getting it, getting the energy back or stopping the drain.

And then there’s the filling me back up. And I’ve learned interesting a lot with the work. And over the years that time for myself is not just recovering from time I’ve given others, but it’s time after I’ve recovered and giving that level of time to myself.

Todd: Wow. Wow.

Client: And that’s, yeah.

Todd: It could even be another version of the way you’re going to do the training, like maybe the day after your two days there, you take another day, another night and use your points.

Client: You just scheduled that just before our call today. I, I’m gonna be in one city this day. I have, uh, something online, the in for a half a day in the middle, and [00:18:00] another city near this city the next day. And so I just scheduled myself in a hotel for the whole thing.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So that’s a cool turnaround.

Like there’s, there’s time at home. Which is great, and there’s time with at work, which is great. And then there’s time in a hotel, just not at work, not at home completely. Just by yourself. Like a little retreat, um, that

Client: I, I’ll have the second day, the whole afternoon. Yeah. I’ll go, you know, go for a walk, just, you know, do something.

For me, or just sit in the hotel room,

Todd: just whatever feels right. Yeah. So I’m not spending enough time with me. That’s the turnaround. Mm-hmm. And, and it just points to a living turnaround of something you can, you can actually do. Which is schedule more of that time.

Client: Yeah.

Like even adding another day at [00:19:00] the end of one of my trips.

Todd: Right. Especially if you have lots of points added up.

Client: Well that works. Okay,

Todd: cool. Alright. Any other turnarounds before we go on? I’m not spending enough time at home. I’m spending enough time,

Client: yeah. Move away and myself. And I feel pretty good about that.

Todd: Yeah. Looks like we’ve covered it.

Client: Thank you.

Todd: Full work. Thank you so much.

Alright. Anyone else have anything you’d like to work on or any question you may have? I.[00:20:00]

Client 2: I think I found something.

Todd: Okay. Yeah, I was just

Client 2: going over the day to day and all went so perfect and, uh, I had to take public transportation. All went perfect, which is not obvious. And uh, so, and then, and then still, and that often happens and still there is stress and then I go inside. I shouldn’t have stress.

I. [00:21:00] Because everything goes perfect, everything is going fine. And still I am stressed. So people would say, uh, I’m very sensitive to stress, or, I dunno how you say that in English. Stress sensitive or so

Todd: yeah, sensitive to stress, I think, but yeah. Yeah. So, so you shouldn’t have stress. Yeah. Um, because everything’s going fine.

Is that true?

Client 2: Yes,

Todd: and, and you absolutely know it’s true that you shouldn’t have stress after this perfect day where everything went smoothly, no problems. And you absolutely know you shouldn’t have stress.

Client 2: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you believe [00:22:00] this that you shouldn’t have stress?

Client 2: Um, I’m impatient with myself. Um, I, I have I accompanying thoughts like, uh, you are doing this to yourself, you know, all the stress because there’s no reason to have. To be stressed. So, um, I also feel,

um, uh, underlying beliefs like this is too good. It can’t last. It’s, uh, like as if I’m trying to anticipate on things that will go wrong.

So, um, [00:23:00] and I’m, but the, the, the most, um, the most, the, the strongest, uh, feeling is that I, um, that I’m kind of irritated by myself towards myself,

Todd: right? And how do you treat the stress itself when you think you shouldn’t have stress?

Client 2: It shouldn’t be there. I want to ignore it and I can’t ignore it, and it just shouldn’t be there.

It has no right to be there in this situation when everything goes smooth.

Todd: Right, right.

So who would you be without this thought in the same situation? Who [00:24:00] would you be without the thought? You shouldn’t have stress when it does become, when you do feel stress, even though everything went fine.

Client 2: Um, I. My first thought was that I wouldn’t have stress, but when I, when I would still have stress and then think and not think that it shouldn’t be there, then it would just be part of the whole experience I think. I, I would probably look at it and, and start some inner, inner laughing because I can see, I can see there is no reason to be stressed [00:25:00] and, and I’m still stressed, but, okay.

That’s the way it is. That’s the way I am in that moment. And, and that in itself would take away a lot of the charge of the stress. Maybe the whole stress would disappear.

Todd: Hmm.

Yeah.

Client 2: Um, it’s, um, it’s a big difference with the, yeah, I would be more in the moment there would be no thoughts. Like, uh, yeah, now it’s all going fine. But wait until, you know, that kind of, uh, thoughts wouldn’t be there. It would all be just part of, that’s the way it is. I’m now, I feel some stress, but I.

It’s, it’s okay. The, the stress has a right to be there. [00:26:00] It, it probably points me to something,

especially when everything’s going smoothly.

Todd: So turn it around. I shouldn’t have stress when everything’s going. Stress fine. Should have stressed. Yeah. Why? What are some possibilities why you, it should,

Client 2: well, probably because of underlying beliefs that, that it points to underlying beliefs that I can question

Todd: very possible. Yeah. That’s, even though it was a perfect day, there may still be some underlying beliefs that are now showing up.

Mm-hmm. What else?

Client 2: Um, why is it

Todd: understandable you would have stress at this point?

Client 2: Well, a lot of times things do go wrong with public transportation, [00:27:00] so, so it’s actually almost a miracle when it doesn’t.

Todd: Yep, yep.

Client 2: So, yeah. Yeah. So it’s very, actually, it’s very, it’s very understandable, but I have a little stress.

Todd: You might have been just a little bit worrying about it, even though it all went fine and then Yes, now you feel it.

Client 2: Yeah.

Um,

Todd: how else, how else is it? Is it normal? How is it okay that you have stress? How is it understandable? How is it good?

Client 2: It keeps me alert.

Todd: Mm.[00:28:00]

Client 2: Mm, no idea. Do you have, uh, any, what

Todd: is your theory about having a good day? If you have a good day, then everything should just be a hundred percent perfect. Or, or what is it? Is it okay to have a mix of good and stress?

Client 2: Probably in my, uh, per perfectionist mind, there should be no stress. It should all be very. Maybe even under control or so, no, that’s not, that’s not true. I’m very open to other, to other experiences that I didn’t plan and that surprised me. So, but not that [00:29:00] kind of like, like, uh, um, how you say that when you, when you go from one, um.

From one public transport to another, and the time in between becomes too short or you, you, you miss, you miss your connection. Miss your connection. Yeah. You miss your connection. That’s something I really don’t like. Yeah. So it depends on what I like and what I don’t like.

Todd: Right. But it’s interesting how the mind can start thinking.

If it’s, if it’s perfect, then it has to be a hundred percent perfect with not even any stress coming up. Yeah. And and that’s, maybe it happens, but it’s also sounds, it’s also rare.

Client 2: Yes, it is. So yeah, that could very well be the cause of my stress. [00:30:00]

Todd: Hmm.

Any other reasons, even physical reasons possibly, that you would feel stress, uh, at that point in your day?

Client 2: No.

Okay. No sign of, uh, urgently needing to go bathroom, something like that, so, yeah.

Todd: Yeah. So,

Client 2: no, not really.

Todd: Um, and how does it serve you that the stress does come up? Like why is it, why is it good for you? Why does it help? Is it helpful in any way?

Client 2: I have no idea. I don’t think so.

Todd: That’s why I think, so we’re back to square one, right? So it shouldn’t be there. [00:31:00] Come full circle.

Some thoughts. I’m like, this is what I’m holding on to. Yeah.

Client 2: But I do, I, I, I can see that the stress is pointing to something that is underlying, and that’s interesting for me.

Todd: That is interesting. Yeah,

Client 2: yeah, yeah, yeah. So don’t know what it is

Todd: yet, but there’s something. Mm-hmm.

Client 2: Yeah. There’s something about perhaps, uh, a need or, um, or a longing or whatever, something, I don’t know.

It’s, uh.

Uh, I also, it also depends on the circumstances because when I’m, for example, when I’m with a friend, I don’t care so much because we can still talk to each other whether we miss a connection or not. We’re still together. Uh, you know, it’s, um, [00:32:00] it’s different. It depends on whether I’m on my own or whether I have to be on time somewhere.

That’s really stressful when I need to be on time. Mm-hmm. That was not the case today.

So it’s, yeah, there might be interesting to, yeah,

Todd: just to look at what missing a connection means to you. It might be different in different situations, but it could be, it could be an interesting list of stressful situations or stressful thoughts about missing a connection and who knows that may be.

What this little stress is pointing to. And then that can be worked.

Client 2: Maybe, uh, now that you say that, that reminds me of something that happened in a past long ago, like decades ago. Um, when we went, at that time, I was, uh, driving a motorbike and we went to, [00:33:00] on a trip to Scotland with a whole motor club. So we, we drove, we, we, we took the boat and everything and, and we had to be back in time after three days or so to catch the boat back to the, to the continent, like the English Day.

And, um, and someone, um, someone’s motorbike, uh, had, uh, became broken defect. Yeah. At the defect. And, um, I remember I was really stressed out that we would miss the boat and at some point someone said to me, but then we just take the next one. And it did, it hadn’t even appeared in my mind. You could take the next one.

See, it, it, it had to be that one, the one that we had, we had booked. So. It was really strange. Someone said that [00:34:00] to me and I was like, uh, of course. Why, why didn’t I even think of that? So maybe it has to do with some kind of thinking in that way. Like it, when I plan, I, I look it up in the schedules, uh, when this bus that tra that train, whatever, and they have their hours where you have to be there and then, so it has to be that.

That way. Yeah.

Todd: So how

Client 2: it has to be the way it’s pointed out.

Todd: Yes. Yes. Okay. So this is, this could be what this stress was pointing to. Like it was so far down that all you do is just feel a stress and you think, oh, why is this stress bothering my day? Mm-hmm. But it’s pointing possibly to an area which you could explore with the work around missing connections and making sure that the, that the.

[00:35:00] Timetables are accurate and that the trains and buses are on time and everything is according to plan. Like it could be a very interesting area to explore. Yeah. With the work. So cool. So I should have stress that’s, uh, the original turnaround, going back to, yeah. I should have stress. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yep.

Client 2: Yeah.

Todd: I

Client 2: believe all that, that they have to be in time and everything according to the

Todd: schedule

Client 2: that I pointed out. Yeah.

Todd: It’s understandable that you would have stress.

Client 2: Yeah. Especially, and it’s a good thing here with the public transportation that is almost never in time.

Todd: Exactly. So. And good thing that you’re feeling that stress because it gives you a chance to do the work on something that you can’t control that much.

Yes. And so that can give you, uh, some new perspectives possibly that mm-hmm. [00:36:00] May be helpful in the future. Um, thank goodness for the stress. Yes. The alarm clock.