Overwhelmed by Narcissistic Relationships? How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Your Stress Management

Client: Todd? Hi. I have a question. So, I, I’ve been doing, doing the work on my own for a few years, and the thing that I’m struggling with is. Um, acting on instinct, um, instinctive thoughts or feelings that you have. And, um, you know, I, I, as a woman, I, I, I’m sure, um, you’ve heard that women are often taught to explain away your own instincts about things, um, to our [00:05:00] detriment sometimes.

And so I, I am. I don’t have any specific instance in mind, but you know, I was thinking about Barron, Katie’s story about when she was confronted with a guy pointing a gun at her. And so, you know, we’ve all been in situations where someone seems a little questionable and so I’m interested in hearing like, how do you.

I, I don’t wanna question myself too much and explain away reasonable, valid instincts that I might have, or, you know, it’s happened before where I feel guilty because I’m having a negative thought about someone. Not even that they’re dangerous, just a negative thought. And then I talk to someone like a colleague and they’ll say, yep, that person is kind of difficult.

Um, so I, I’m not sure if that’s specific enough as a question. Do you have any. Thoughts or comments?

Todd: Yeah, I think so. It’s a good [00:06:00] question. Um, yeah, the work, the way I see the work is it’s a way of getting in touch with myself, uh, more and more. And, uh, I. Even the four questions and turnarounds are just pointing me back to myself.

And so just because I am exploring all different angles with the turnarounds doesn’t mean that I am using that to override my own intuition, my own intelligence, my own, um. Way of seeing things. Um, and so I like to think of the work as a help for bringing me back to myself, but it’s going to also challenge me to think outside of the box of what I normally think.

So it’s kind of an interesting, um. It’s, it’s a little bit of a balancing act there where I want to consider everything, keep in as, as open a mind as [00:07:00] possible, but also not fool myself either, right? If I just think everything I think is not true, then I can end up convincing myself, uh, to do things that aren’t.

I don’t feel correct to me, or I could, as you say, explain away my own instincts or my own reasonable, uh, observations. And for me, there’s a big difference between an observation and a, a stressful interpretation of, of something. Uh, and so the key difference is in the experience of stress. If I’m not feeling stressed, I may just notice.

That somebody is kind of mean or something, right? Or they’re kind of just, I don’t really resonate, I don’t think I’d like to spend time with that person. Uh, so great. That’s just an observation and I can simply not go there and, and that’s intelligent and [00:08:00] it’s, uh, I don’t see that in conflict with the work.

However I might do the work, if I notice there’s a little stress about it, like that person’s mean, oh, that really bothers me. Okay, there’s something inside that’s getting bothered by me. By that, that’s some story inside of here. That’s more than just the observation. And when I question that, I may start to see.

I may have a softer view on that person. Right. But I’m not, it doesn’t mean that I’m gonna go hang out with them. I’m just, I’m just questioning anything that’s stressful, that is putting me, uh, in a less rational place. It’s putting me in a more irrational place. So. I believe in listening to my instincts.

I believe in intuition. I believe in, uh, paying attention to my feelings, my gut feelings. Uh, I believe in observing and paying attention to what I [00:09:00] notice. I, I trust certain aspects of myself to be reliable in gathering information I’ve learned over the years what I can trust and, and what I can’t trust, what I can trust for me.

Involves certain direct experience, certain observations, certain logical conclusions that, um. Seem objective to me, although nothing’s objective. There’s a, they lean in that direction of being reliable. What I don’t trust is when, when I start getting stressed about something, um, and then I’m overreacting in a certain way or I’m becoming, uh, too black and white about it, then the work is gonna come in there.

’cause the stress is gonna tell me, go do the work. So I’ll look at that and I’ll reduce the, the story. But I’ll, I’ll kind of, the work helps me reduce the story and what I’m left with is just the observation again. So now I’m back to myself. If I take the work too [00:10:00] far, I can reduce even my observations to, to negative direction where like, I’m now no longer.

I’ve flipped to the other side and like, now I don’t even trust myself. That’s not really what the work is set up to do. You can, you can misuse it that way, but the, the actual work is just saying, where’s the balance point for you and where’s the truth lying for you? It’s always asking where, what do you think?

What is your experience? And even though it brings a turnaround. When doing the work, don’t think that the turnaround is the truth. Never. No. The turnaround is not the truth anymore than the original statement was the truth. But somewhere in the middle, the interaction here, you’ll find your truth and it may be different for you and it may be different for someone else.

And, and, and you’ll, you’ll notice it because there’s a piece in it. Uh, so that’s what we’re looking for. We’re looking for that little point of peace. It’s elusive. ’cause if you swing [00:11:00] too far one way or the other, you get into imbalance and it doesn’t feel peaceful. So yes, um, trusting your instincts, uh, is something I actually experience as growing.

With the ongoing practice of the work, uh, because I’m getting better at filtering out what is actually an instinct, what is actually an observation, and what is, uh, a story that is, um, maybe exaggerated or, um, uh, mirroring some kind of. Some kind of misunderstanding or a little neurosis inside of myself, right?

Because the, those are the things that get in the way of actually observing in an objective way. When I’m involved and I’m taking it personally, it’s really hard to be objective. So the work’s really great at taking out that, that thing that made it feel personal, like it, it makes it, it brings it, um, it, it questions that part.

And then if you. [00:12:00] If you hold it in a balanced way, you can be left with just a simple observation. Oh yeah, he is kind of mean, but no big deal. I don’t, I’m not a victim of that. It’s just, yeah, he’s kind of mean, and I’ll probably not engage too much with him, but if I do, I’m not gonna be too surprised if he says something mean and, and say la.

Right. Uh, so that’s, that’s how I see the work, um, and, and how I use it in relation to. Instincts and intuitions. Um, so anyway, if you have any, does that make sense or do you have anything else that, that, um, that, that lands for you or any questions about that? Yeah, Todd,

Client: that’s very helpful. Thank you. And I, I guess as you were speaking, um, I realize, you know, I think that’s been true for me as well, that the instinctive responses seem more true, um, since they’re not clouded.

By the overreactions and [00:13:00] so forth. But just more recently I’ve been having this, um, I don’t know, almost a little bit of a hangup of, oh no, what if I’m explaining away my instinct? But actually I don’t think that is happening. So, so thank you. That’s very clear.

Todd: You’ll notice it if it does, like, if you, if you are actually explaining where your instincts, you’ll feel like something doesn’t feel quite right, you’ll notice it.

That instinct is deeper than the explaining away. So the explaining away can never really touch that. And so just trust yourself like, oh, I’m, I’m, I am explaining, trying to explain away a little too much here. Let me back off a little bit and look for my actual truth. And that’s the, that’s the bottom line.

That’s what self-inquiry means. I’m asking myself, what do you think? Um, and a lot of our clouded. Um, you know, like sometimes it’s confusing, like I have a instinct, but it’s kind of a clouded [00:14:00] instinct because I’ve bought into someone else’s prejudice or I’ve bought into some, some other fear, or I’ve bought into something that’s making me exaggerate the situation.

And, uh, and when I do the work I. Kind of cut through some of that, but then I may still be left with Yeah. But I actually still prefer not to do such and such or be with such and such or that kind of thing. So, yeah, it, when you see it this way, at least for me, it’s a, it’s a very free way of doing the work and I’m not, um, I’m not being told what to do by the work.

No, never. I’m just using the work to look around and see what I actually feel. Yeah.

Client: Thanks Todd. That’s very helpful. I appreciate it.

Todd: You’re welcome. Yeah. Mari, I saw your hand.

Client 2: Yes. I have a question that actually, um, [00:15:00] joins the, the previous question. Um, uh, I had a, a, a conversation with someone who has been, uh, a victim of.

A narcissistic relationship. And she had, she felt like, uh, the work would be like what psychologists knew, uh, uh, call, uh, spiritual bypassing. That’s the feeling she had in the situation that she was in. And so. It feels, it has something to do with what you just said, but maybe you can absolutely talk bit more about that in that situation.

Yeah. In such, I

Todd: think this, what’s that?

Client 2: Yeah. In such situations like when people are really victims, like, yeah,

Todd: yeah.

Client 2: How, how, how can we do the work without [00:16:00] spiritual bypassing? That’s actually the question, I

Todd: think. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, I think this kind of situation is the, the most delicate one here.

This is the most, uh, uh, I guess you have to be especially aware of how you’re using the work when you’re in a, say, narcissistic relationship. And my assumption is if you are in a narcissistic relationship that you’re. Probably taking the role of not standing up for yourself, um, and being the pleaser, uh, that goes hand in hand with, with narcissism on the other side.

Um, so, so the work is gonna say, okay, judge your neighbor. So judge this narcissistic person and, uh, go through the process and they’re gonna come to turnarounds, which are gonna say, okay, well, uh. He [00:17:00] or she is, um, is abusing me or something like that, right? And you will turn it around and it’ll say something like, I’m abusing myself, uh, and or I’m abusing that person, or they’re not abusing me.

And this is where I could see where the mind could go in the direction of spiritual bypassing and just say. Okay, well really, there is no real problem here. And, uh, it’s, and even to the extreme of it’s all my fault, which would fit perfectly with the person who’s a pleaser in a narcissistic relationship.

Uh, and they would just take it all on themselves and say, uh, okay, everything’s fine. I’ll just, uh, suck it up and, and no change. But if there really is, uh, a victim. Like if someone is actually being abused, then uh, it would seem natural to want to [00:18:00] come out of that abusive situation. That would be what anyone would tell you.

So am I using the work to stay in something that’s actually hurting me? Where I go with that is look at the very first turnaround, which is I am abusing myself. I’m the one staying in the relationship. And this turnaround, if you hold it right, can actually show you that I don’t have to continue abusing myself.

Um, and if I do choose to stay in the relationship, there may be ways of not abusing myself within a narcissistic uh, relationship. So the work, as I mentioned before, it’s never about making decisions or it’s not about the action part of. Getting in a relationship or getting out of a relationship or anything like that.

It’s an internal thing of how do I see the situation. The more I see myself as a victim, the [00:19:00] more powerless I feel and the less action I’m able to take. So it might be that someone does the work and they don’t take much action, but they’re starting to see their situation. Less and less as a victim situation, even though the abuse is still going on, and that may be the way that they’re becoming stronger to be actually able to stand up and say no more.

I don’t want to continue that. The other thing that sometimes, uh, comes to mind for me is that. We label these relationships so quickly, like narcissistic relationship, and this is a bad relationship. This is an abusive situation, and there’s a whole scale of that, right? There’s full physical sexual abuse and then there’s minor abuse and there’s a whole range in between.

And I think, um, it’s very, [00:20:00] uh. What the work does sometimes is slow it down and just look at it. How abusive is it actually? How, how bad is it? Um, and when I look at it more objectively, again, just going back to the the last point, then I, I’m more able to. Think, okay, is this actually serving me or not serving me?

Sometimes a narcissistic relationship can actually be serving me because it’s helping me to learn how to stand up for myself in small ways in a very challenging kind of situation. So I don’t, the thing about the works, it doesn’t have any right or wrong. It doesn’t say, this is the right way to be in a relationship.

This is the wrong way. You should be out or you shouldn’t be. There’s no, there’s no morality. Per se in the work is just checking in where am I, where do I want to be? And if I’m holding that, then doing the [00:21:00] work is not going to make me bypass. It’s going to actually do the opposite. It’s gonna push me into where I need to be looking and really considering and looking at the hard questions.

Um, and some of it. May point me in directions that I may not even have the courage to act on, but it’s gonna start pointing me in that direction. So yeah, this is one of those areas where it’s easy to, um, it, it’s, it’s subtle, I guess is the right way to say it. It’s subtle. Um, as I do the work on. Someone who I think of as as abusive, I will naturally soften towards that person.

I will naturally see them as a human being, not as a monster. Even though they may be doing terrible things, I will be more gentle in my heart towards that person. But ironically, when I do that, I may [00:22:00] be opening the possibility for actually. Leaving that situation, if that was what was needed. So whether I le stay or go again, doesn’t matter.

It’s how I experience it. Um, and what someone else would say is terrible. Another person would say that’s, that is okay for me. Um, and so we can never judge another person. We can never tell if someone really spiritually bypassing or not, but you can tell if you are spiritually bypassing. That’s the cool thing.

It all comes down to me. What is my experience in a situation? Am I spiritually bypassing? How can I tell? ’cause it feels false. It feels fake, it feels, uh, like I’m lying to myself or I’m trying to, uh, convince myself to do something that’s not true for me. Um, and so if, if you notice that, then question any thoughts that would stop you from.

[00:23:00] Or that would make you keep on bypassing? Just keep trusting your stress. Your stress will show you where you’re off. And it, you can’t judge by what other people will think. But for yourself, your stress will say, Hey, that’s, that’s not right. And so you can trust that. And then, yeah, you’re, I guess I’m correct myself.

It’s like you can trust that the stress shows me there’s something in here that I’m. That’s off something that isn’t right for me. Um, and so I’ll question my thinking and then my action’s gonna be much more natural on that basis. So it’s very similar to what we were just talking about, trusting your own instincts.

Like my instinct is get outta here. Is that coming from stress or is that coming from just clear observation and the work will take the stress part off, but if there’s still a clear observation to get out of there. Then why wouldn’t I get out of there? [00:24:00] Yeah. And you can question the reasons why I think I can’t get out of there.

Right? That person is going to chase me down. That person is going to, uh, it’s gonna be worse if I do that. Like, can question those. Another thing for people that are in narcissistic relationships that are on the, the more pleasing side of it. There may be need also to do the work on, on self beliefs as well, not just on judging the other person.

And sometimes there’s so much self, uh, putting oneself down that it’s, you may, may need to do some of those pieces of work just as one-liners as well. So anyway, those are a few ideas just speaking generally about this topic, but, um, tell me, is there anything more that, that, um, you’re [00:25:00] thinking of as you’re listening?

Client 2: Um, I think what you said is really helpful in some kind of the next phase or so. It’s, um, in this phase. It seems to me that she’s, she’s still trying to recognize that she really has been a victim. Like, you know, when people come out of an narciss, so it’s over. So she’s already gone, but now, only now it’s daunting to her that she’s really been a victim there.

And so when, when you want to do the work, then it’s kind of, Hmm, what you said, it’s as if. You take it on you while you were already taking it, taking it on you. So,

Todd: yeah, so that’s where I wouldn’t necessarily question the

Client 2: fact it’s needs. Yeah, it needs like the, the being a victim first needs to be recognized [00:26:00] before you can handle it.

That it’s something in that phase that she is.

Todd: Yes, yes. So this is where people get confused a lot in the work. They try to question a fact and it is a fact. And so then they’re like, what do I do with that? Um, this is where it goes back to explaining away things, which is not actually the purpose of the work.

So if something is just a fact I was in an abusive relationship, or I was in a narcissistic relationship, then then that’s just an observation. Okay, great. Good to know. I’m finally coming out of. I’m becoming, becoming, becoming aware of something that I wasn’t aware of before. Where the work can come in is if I see, oh, I was in a narcissistic relationship and that was a terrible thing, or that was, uh, like, oh my God, what an, what an awful thing.

Like then the stress is now another layer of stress that’s coming on top. Then the work can work on. That was a terrible [00:27:00] thing. Is it true or, uh, what a. What a bad thing that I was in a narcissistic relationship. And the turnarounds are very different. It’s like I was in a narcissistic relationship and that was a good thing.

Why? Right? And, and it can open your mind to, that was part of my experience that I had to go through to get to the point now where I recognize what a narcissistic relationship is. I’ve experienced it and I’m much more, uh, less susceptible to it, um, moving forward. So. There’s always the truth part, and then there’s the interpretation part.

The truth part, you can question, but I often just don’t question the truth part at all. It’s just true. I questioned my interpretation, so I was in a narcissistic relationship. It’s the true, the truth part. And then the interpretation was, and that was a terrible thing. So I’m gonna question that and see where I go and it’s gonna be giving me a different kind of, um.

[00:28:00] Different kind of experience in doing the work. So that would be more of a one-liner rather than a judge. Your neighbor worksheet.

Client 2: Yep. Thank you. That helps. Thank you.

Todd: Yeah.

Any other questions on this topic or any other topic?

Client 3: No. I have a question, Todd. Mm-hmm. Um, have you ever experienced that, um, when you arrive at the fourth question, who would you be without that thought? Uh, you, um, begin to meditate on that and, and you, and you quit at some point because you’re scared.

’cause the thought is too strong. It’s eradicating you even it’s not true. But you don’t wanna abandon that thought. You wanna keep the thought with you [00:29:00] and uh, you are afraid of that. And it’s okay, I quit. I don’t want to continue to do the work. And I am sort of a metrics I. So you’re scared to do you, you, you are afraid of, of freedom like a bird in a cage that you not in the cage, but don’t go out.

Doesn’t go out. And, um. I wanna know if you, what, what do you think about that? Uh, have you have, has it ever happened to you?

Todd: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Um, these questions, all of the questions, but question four especially are challenging questions and I come into a, a session with. One way of seeing things and it’s stressful, but I’m still attached to that because often I have some reason for it.

Somehow I believe, [00:30:00] even though it’s stressful, I still think I should hold that thought. Otherwise, um, it will be dangerous if I don’t like there or there will be wrong if I don’t or I have to do something I don’t want to do, but that’s just the way it is. I can’t think of a specific example right at the moment for myself.

Uh, but what I notice when I’m coming in to question four and there’s resistance in me, and I’m kind of going, uh, I don’t know if I can do this. I can, I don’t know if I can be without this thought. It’s too scary for me. Then what I usually find is that there are some fears. That are coming along with that.

So I’ll ask myself, what do I fear would happen if I’m without that thought? What am I afraid of? And that can give me like a separate thing to question and then I can question that fear first. Okay. If I do [00:31:00] question four, I’m going to be, I’m going to just give up or I’m going to just, uh, end up, uh, never.

Getting what I want or whatever it is. I find those fears, question those fears, then I might be able to come back to question four and uh, and try it again. Or sometimes I’ll go into question four, like I dip my toe in the water and it’s very cold, and I come back out and then I go, let’s go back into question three and spend some more time how else I react so that I really.

Get more experience with that and then when I’m ready. Okay. Maybe now I’ll try question four. Basically what keeps me attached is I think I’m gonna lose something if I go without the thought. And what gives me openness to go question four is when I think [00:32:00] that, um. When I see how much pain and suffering holding onto that thought has.

So question three is gonna show me how much suffering I get for holding onto that thought, and that can balance it and can start to make me feel like, oh yeah, I can try question four again. So, yeah, but it’s a common thing. It’s a very common, I think it happens for all of us. Uh, we’re questioning our dearest.

Thoughts and beliefs and we are attached to them and it is scary to let go of them. And so, um, be gentle with yourself. Don’t force yourself to let go of the thought. And even question four is not saying let go. It’s just saying, who would you be without the thought? But even that is scary sometimes. So just be gentle and give yourself some extra time.

Go back into question three or do the work on an on your fear. Um, that’s where I go with that.[00:33:00]

Yeah. Monica.

Client 2: Yeah. I, I wanted to add to that, that I remember when I had that and, and Katie said something like, you really don’t have to. To leave the thought. You, you can, yeah. You can keep it. Just try one for one second to be without it. Just one second. And that really helped for me. Yeah. When I had, when I was in such a situation.

Todd: Yeah. I, I always remember that. It’s a hypothetical question. The word would, would, it’s conditional tense. It’s saying, who would I be? In that moment. Um, it doesn’t mean that I have to drop the thought. No, it’s just saying, who would I be? And that it’s like the first exploration of who would I, it’s very safe when you think about it.

Um, but even that can scare the mind. Um, that’s why I sometimes say play pretend. Just imagine that you were [00:34:00] without that thought, and it can, it can help. Question four is a powerful question, very powerful question. And, uh, it takes courage to answer it, you know? Oh, uh, you’re muted. If you’re saying something.

Client 3: I, I would add that the, the question two already, already does that. He puts you in front of the truth. But do you have the options in the question too? You can say no. You, you can say yes, it’s true, even if it’s not true. But you have the option, the, the options to say yes, it’s true. But the fourth, the fourth question, uh, it’s like you, you haven’t any option at all.

You have to say the truth. You have to, to describe yourself without that thought. Yeah, so it’s, it goes a

Todd: little closer, right? It gets in like you have to, you have to enter in the pool and actually swim [00:35:00] around and see what that feels like. Yeah, yeah. But you’re doing it in imagination. You can still do it.

Like we’re saying, you can keep the thought, you can come back to it. You don’t have to get rid of it. But this is the first kind of taste of really experiencing it. So it is, that’s the challenge of that question. Yeah.

That’s, and then you want to go even further, the turnarounds are even more committed. Find examples of how the opposite of that is true. That’s like, not only are you standing in the water and you’re in, in there, but you’re now starting to build something there and starting to make a whole new experience there.

And, uh, so this, this work is radical stuff.

Client 3: It is. It’s very uncon. It’s very unconventional.

Todd: Very, very, yeah. It’s the opposite of com. It is the opposite of convention. It’s like go in the [00:36:00] opposite direction and look there.

Client 3: And if, if I may add one more thing, uh, if I understood the work well, the 9 99 0.9 uh, percent of the answer of the question too is no, because nothing is true.

Even if you, if you, even if you feel that it’s true.

Todd: So that’s a, that’s a common thing that people think. Um, I tend to not think that way. Uh, I tend to see there’s two sides. One is what, what I see as the truth, uh, just objectively and the other is what I feel. Uh, and I sometimes I will just go with what I see.

Yeah, it’s not true. Um, and I’ll answer no, but sometimes I see it’s not true, but I still feel it’s true. And when that happens for me, I go with my feeling, [00:37:00] uh, because the way I think of it is. The part of me that’s doing the work, the part of me that needs to do the work is the feeling part. And the thinking part is already enlightened.

It already knows the truth. You know that feeling. I already get this, I, I know this, but still I get held back by this. So this part is the part that’s stuck. And for me, that’s the part that needs to do the work. So when I’m asking, is it true, I’m actually asking this part down here. What do you think? Is it true?

And I’m talking to a 2-year-old. No, or yes. Yes. You know, it’s like, it’s very, it’s very immature. Uh, so I’m like the teacher with myself, facilitator with myself, just holding myself and saying, okay, what do you think? Is it true? I know you think it’s true, but are you sure? Can you absolutely know it’s true?

And it, I’m asking it to think and it’s going. Maybe it will say, uh, [00:38:00] no, it’s not true. But a lot of times it will also say, yes, absolutely it’s true and, and I’m okay with that. I’m almost there with it. That’s my way. I don’t know if that’s how others do the work, but that works for me.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you just heard here, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page, and there you can find the schedule. You can learn more about how it works, and you can sign up to join us. And take part in our discussions, do the work with me, and, uh, join us.

It’s usually, uh, up to seven people, so it means it’s a small, intimate group and it’s a great place to even just sit and listen. You don’t have to actually actively participate. And while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to look at a. A book that I created some years ago called Finding the Door to Inquiry [00:39:00] This work, this book is all about looking at a situation where you think, how could I write?

A worksheet on that. How could I do the work on that situation? It seems elusive or hard to find, and this book is all about finding that, finding your doorway in seeing if there’s actually a judge your neighbor worksheet there to write, or maybe it’s just some one-liners, but it’s looking for the doorway in to this process.

Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles called Are You Following Your Turnarounds Blindly?

A lighthouse Beacon is just a pointer. It’s no substitute for navigation skills. The work is self-inquiry. That means that nothing outside of me is directing me as I look for my truth. This is kind of an unusual concept ’cause we’re so used to going to teachers looking [00:40:00] for wisdom. Outside of ourselves, people that already have it, that can give it to us, and the work is a little bit different.

It’s self-inquiry. It means that nothing outside of me is directing me. I’m looking for my own truth. Even the four questions and turnarounds of the work are just pointers. They point back to myself. They point me to look where I hadn’t thought of looking. The four questions and turnarounds. A huge help in self-inquiry.

It’s kind of like looking in a mirror. Just keep pointing back, pointing back, and by doing that, I can see things about myself that I hadn’t noticed before, but the moment I rely on these questions or these turnarounds and do so without thinking, without checking in with myself at each step, then that is the moment when I’m no longer doing self-inquiry.

Instead of seeing the turnaround as assistance in the process of [00:41:00] self-inquiry, I’m elevating the turnaround to the status of teacher or even dictator. Instead of checking with myself to see if what I’m finding is true for me, I’m back to the old way of trying to do it right and following others blindly, which is a million miles away from true self-inquiry.

So this is a really, really important point. Turnarounds, don’t tell me what to do. The work doesn’t tell me what to do. The work is just saying, Hey, what do you think? That’s all it does. Just ask me, what do you think? And then I have to go in and check and see what do I think? But if I use it as some kind of teacher or some kind of thing that’s telling me what to do, then it can get confusing.

Luckily, we all have a built-in self-correction mechanism. If a turnaround points me towards something that seems off to me or that makes me feel more stressed, my correction mechanism kicks in and I [00:42:00] notice that it doesn’t feel right, and this is when I stop and I look more closely. If I don’t do that, then I’m just gonna be blindly following my turnarounds and I could be getting out of touch with myself instead of more in touch with myself.

So this kind of feeling of feeling off something doesn’t feel right when I’m doing the work could be coming from three different possible places. First of all, the turnaround itself could be off very possible. Just because there’s a turnaround does not mean that it’s true. So if the turnaround’s off, then my self-correction mechanism has caught it.

Great. Okay. No need to pursue that any further. It’s just, uh, it doesn’t make sense to me, so I skip it. The other possibility is that my understanding of the turnaround is off. So I may be interpreting the turnaround to mean one thing and that doesn’t feel right, but there may be another different interpretation that fits both the turnaround and my experience.

[00:43:00] And so sometimes sitting in that turnaround and just thinking about it differently, what does this really mean? What could this mean? Uh, that can often. Make a turnaround that didn’t seem to make sense actually start to land with me. So sometimes it’s just my understanding of the turnaround. And then the third thing that could be causing this sense of, oh, this is off, or the turnaround’s making me more stressed, or I just don’t like this turnaround, is that I could be up against a very deeply entrenched belief that I have about life, um, or about my own experience.

Naturally, I’m gonna feel a lot of resistance, uh, if a turnaround starts to stretch me out of my comfort zone. So I often have to sit with turnarounds like this for a while before I can stretch enough to actually meet them completely. And that can be a process. I may, uh, start on a turnaround and leave it and come back another day, or I may just leave that piece [00:44:00] of work and then come back to a similar piece of work later.

And over time I start. Start stretching little by little. And, um, that is part of the process. So the bottom line here is honesty. Um, do I honestly see this turnaround? Does it make sense to me? Does it land with me? Do I feel it or am I faking it or am I rejecting the turnaround out of hand? All of these are possibilities, but the only way forward in self-inquiry is to keep landing on my honest experience.

If a turnaround stretches me and I honestly can find something bigger than what I had originally seen, then wonderful. Let me enjoy that new stretched experience. It’s real for me, but if my honest truth is that I don’t resonate with a turnaround and I can’t find the truth in it, then that’s fine too.

I’d rather be honest about it and maybe [00:45:00] spend some more time considering it from different angles or moving on to other stressful thoughts that I can work and, um, find something that does make sense to me. My only job is to stay true to myself as I do my work. When I do that, I can navigate anywhere using turnarounds as clues while I find my own way.

For me, self-inquiry means there’s. A bit of a question mark and Byron Katie uses this term a little question mark after everything. I love that way of expressing it. So self-inquiry means there’s a little question mark even after every turnaround. The question is, is it true? Um, yeah, it’s a turnaround, but is it true?

I wanna know, I wanna find out for myself. I’m not just gonna blindly believe some turnaround just because it popped up, um, in the process. So the question of. Finding turnarounds. Finding examples of turnarounds is actually asking me to get in touch with my own experience [00:46:00] and see what I can find. But in the end, self-inquiry is something where everything is up to me.

I am the final decider on what is true, what makes sense, what I take, and what I leave. If you’re interested, uh, in going deeper in the work, then that’s what I created the Inquiry Circle community for. So I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from our book, A Mind at Home with Itself. But when you allow each thought to be met with, is it true?

Life will show itself to you. Eventually you find yourself ending every thought with a question mark. Not with a period, you’re able to rest in the never ending enlightenment of the don’t know mind.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, post something on social media, leave a review [00:47:00] for the podcast if you haven’t done that, and stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter or to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here.

You’ll also find hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie that I’ve written over the years, as well as information about the Work 1 0 1 course, the Work 1 0 2 course, virtual Retreats, uh, inquiry Circle, my Community Private Sessions and the Living with Money course, as well as the finding the Door to Inquiry book that I mentioned earlier.

All of these programs and others that I continue to develop are available at the work as meditation.com. So thanks again for listening. It’s great to be here with you, and I look forward to next time. Until then, have a great [00:48:00] week.