Overwhelmed by Someone Else’s Stress? Inner Work for HSPs Navigating Emotional Confusion

Client 2: Uh, I have something, uh, I’m gonna read it because it’s gonna be easier in English. Um, I had a question at the end of Sue’s work a few weeks ago, but we had already ran out of time and my question was about Sue being unstable because she had been married and divorced twice. She said in the beginning that for herself, she didn’t think so.

It was more that society made her believe so. Then she started to do the [00:04:00] work. Now, I relate to that kind of situation very much knowing you did the right thing, you do it again if needed, and society that thinks differently and judges you for it. So when Sue was doing the work, I was doing mine along, but constantly confused between reacting from my belief or societal belief.

Which left me wondering what would come out of society believes that when you get married and divorced twice and get married again, you’re not a stable person. Is it true?

Todd: Okay. Yeah. So what is the question you have

Client 2: in that? Yeah, so it’s, it was about that confusion when I was. When I was doing the work along with Sue, it was like, ah, this is, uh, I, I, I constantly felt like I’m, I’m actually [00:05:00] doing the work on society beliefs that when you get married and divorce, et cetera, you’re not a stable person.

It was not that I really believed that.

Mm-hmm. And so I was wondering mm-hmm. In this kind of situations where your own, uh, belief or experience is different from that of what you think about society, um, how would you handle that? Or is it like, yeah, it’s a good question. Is it very subtle doing it twice? One for yourself and one for for society, or, I don’t know.

I don’t know how, how to work that.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. Let’s see if we can look at this and, and figure out what’s going on. Um, so. The obvious easy one is if I believe that I’m not a [00:06:00] stable person, if I’m going in and out of marriages or something, then I can question my belief that I’m not a stable person.

Like it’s just, that’s all about me. Internally, my thought, what that means to me, and that would be me doing my work on my belief. That’s a straightforward, uh, version of it. And then what you’re wondering is whose belief is that? Is it really my belief or is it society’s belief that I picked up and now I believe also it’s like where’s the, where’s the source of that belief?

And I think like almost. I don’t know, almost, but a lot of beliefs that we have like that I have personally, I actually picked them up from society or I picked them up from another person. They’re a little bit contagious, these beliefs. And so, and especially, there’s a lot of pressure, peer pressure inside of a [00:07:00] society to conform to do things the way everyone else does.

There’s a lot of just, uh, natural pressure there. And so for whatever reasons. Uh, I pick up beliefs from society and then I act like they’re my beliefs. Maybe I even do believe them, and I, and I live according to that. So if the society believes that going through two or three marriages in a short period of time means that you’re unstable, I believe that story that society has given then now that has become my belief.

And so the. The approach can be the exactly the same that I question it, like it’s my belief, even though it came from society, because if I was not believing it at all, I. Then the society believing it wouldn’t bother me too much. It would be a lot less bothering, uh, to me. [00:08:00] Uh, it might still bother me that I don’t, I’m not accepted by society, but that’s a different belief, right?

That’s a different stress. And so that could be one to work on separately, right? They don’t, they won’t succ society will not accept me if I. Have a lot of marriages or society will not accept me if they think I’m unstable because of marriages, something like that. So that’s one thing you can question.

But really what happened is I took society’s belief, I put them inside of myself, and now I’m seeing as if I’m looking through the same eyes that society is looking at me. And so. Their belief has become my belief. So I question it just like it’s my own belief. Like I just say, oh, getting married two and divorced two or three times means that I’m not a stable person and it doesn’t matter that it came from society, or it [00:09:00] came internally from me by myself.

The reality is I’m believing that for whatever reason, and so this is now my belief, let me question it, uh, directly. It doesn’t mean you can’t question, uh, societies believing that, but that’s a different, slightly different thing. It’s like a judgment. It might be a judgment on society. They shouldn’t believe that.

Or they, they believe that going in and out of marriage is this unstable thing, and then now your judgments are all about society as a different piece of work. Whereas when I’m believing it and it’s about me. My judgements are about myself. So you can see like there’s very subtle differences about where am I pointing the finger?

Am I pointing it at me? Then I need to do the work on what I’m believing I’m pointing at them. Then I’m gonna be doing the work about them being wrong for believing that and, and my frustration with them, they won’t change. [00:10:00] But if I’m actually believing what they’re believing, then I need to question the actual belief.

Because it’s become internalized for me. So I guess the, the bottom line in all of this is you have to kind of feel your way as you’re going through here and notice where is the, what am I really feeling? What is the stress for me? Am I stressed because I believe I am not stable? Or am I stressed because society is going to reject me or am I.

Not even stressed about that. I’m frustrated with society because they’re so crazy or something. Uh, and so. Within one situation, it can be quite surprising how many different angles there are to work and how how many different issues may be going on. And for each of us, that may be very different. So you have to just kind [00:11:00] of sit and and pay attention to what’s going on in you and your emotions will be the clue and follow that lead.

Oh, all right. I’m really, the main thing is I’m judging myself as being unstable, so. I need to do that work. I’m unstable. A person is unstable, I’m unstable. If I go through marriages, is it true? Or I might sit inside myself and think, you know, I’m just so frustrated with society for thinking that then I’m gonna be judging society and focused on them.

Um. And so it’s really a personal journey, and you have to trust that little feeling of stress that is there to lead you to that particular point of it. The good news is they’re all similar, so you’re in the general area. Even if you don’t get this nuance. Figured out exactly. It doesn’t matter. You’re gonna be close.

But it does make a difference in terms [00:12:00] of what is it that you’re actually questioning, and that will depend on what is it that you’re actually, uh, being stressed about. Yeah.

Client 2: Thank you Todd. That’s, that was really clarifying.

Todd: You’re welcome. That was a great question. Yeah. This, this idea, you know, Byron Katie says it a lot of the work being meditation, that identifying the thought to question is meditation. That’s what this is. It’s like really listening to yourself, what is bothering me? What’s really bothering me? And then then.

As you sit in that, you’ll see a lot of different things going on and, and you can judge which one to catch, which one to question by that feeling of which one is bothering me more. And yeah, so great question. Thank you.

So any other question or anybody [00:13:00] wanna do the work?

Client 1: Todd, I think I would like to do the work. Okay, great. So the situation is, uh, with my wife, it’s, uh, I’ve been dealing with like recovering from, uh, shoulder in, uh, surgery and I kind of feel like, um, there has been quite a bit of pain obviously after like the surgery and like during the. Early process of it.

And I kind of feel like I am by just like letting out the way I feel. It’s like loading her with all this thoughts, right? Like with all this, like not being able to do a lot of different things. And that’s kind of being like too much for her. And I noticed that. So I’ve been doing the work on those different things to like not.

Let it out as much. So I don’t do that. So [00:14:00] she doesn’t feel like pressure or any more things in there. But I still notice like that, that my thoughts come if, like, if, if she gets overloaded with tho with all those things or like complaining and things like that, like that, she shouldn’t be asking me how I’m feeling because that’s going to, you know, trigger that again and like it’s going to be like a.

Like a endless cycle. Pretty much. That’s the way I feel. Okay. Yeah. Kinda like the thought that I’m having is like she shouldn’t be asking me how I feel basically. Okay.

Todd: Yeah, it’s a good one. I get it. In that particular situation, it makes sense. Yeah. So is that true? She shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling.

Yep. And can you absolutely know it’s true. She shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling.[00:15:00]

Nope. So how do you react? What happens when you think that she should not be asking you how she’s feeling when she’s already overloaded and can’t handle it?

Client 1: I feel frustrated. It’s like I start judging her in my mind. Like I start playing around with like different scenarios or like going back to the things that I said that trigger her, like to say something back and things like that. So. I feel kinda like trapped. Like it’s bad if I say something and then it’s bad if I don’t say anything.

So I feel like trapped in a hole, like no way out. And [00:16:00] then I kind of feel alone in a way because then at the same time it’s like of course I’m with this pain and like feeling the way I feel and. Like I can say, I can say it out loud or anything, or like I can express my emotions or I can feel the way I feel kind of like limited I feel.

And then a lot of thoughts start coming up like with related to my wife, like, am I doing the right thing? Like should I just not care about it and just like say it or. Should I not care about her and just think about me and saying it anyway. So there’s a lot of contradictions going on

and it’s like, yeah, and I feel stuck. Like I, part of me wants to just go like shut down [00:17:00] and try to not say anything to not trigger that. But then part of me is also saying like, why should not. You allow to feel the way you feel and say it if you just feel like it. So, and I feel like in this wobbling left and right, like, should I not, should I hesitating to do it?

Like overthinking and not feeling like I can just be, you know, or I can just say out loud the way I feel or, or if I’m in pain or something like that, just freely say it. So I feel like. Stock in there.

Todd: Okay. Yeah, very clear. So who would you be without the thought that she shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling?[00:18:00]

Client 1: I think I can just be me.

Hmm.

To me, it’s like it doesn’t actually play a part if she asks or not. It’s like regardless of that, I’ll just feel the same, even if she doesn’t do it or if she does do it. And I can just allow myself to feel the way I feel. I. Scream if I have to from one time to time for myself. Hmm.

Yeah. And not like [00:19:00] overthink about that. Just,

just not feeling like it’s, oh, it’s kinda weird. It’s, I feel like if I’m sick, I have to scream and. And make sure everybody knows that I’m sick and like keep repeating it. So everybody kind, it’s kind of like aware. It’s like, wait, wait, you’re forgetting that I’m sick? Right. So I have to remember like I have to remind you again that I’m sick.

So that’s kind of what’s playing in my mind. That’s weird.

Hmm. That is So then

Client 1: it’s like I could just be feeling any pain that I feel or whatever the case may be, but. Not having that need of just like screaming out that I’m in pain or keep reminding anyone that I’m sick because everybody knows and I’m the only one who feels it anyway, so it’s even okay if she doesn’t ask for it or [00:20:00] she doesn’t feel that I’m in pain or if she forgets or whatever.

That’s kind of interesting.

Todd: That is interesting. Yeah.

Client 1: Mm-hmm.

Todd: You know, going back to question three for a second, who, whose business are you in when you think she shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling?

Client 1: Totally. In her business.

Yeah. Completely there. Yeah. I even forget about the pain and like everything that I’m going through and just focus on her asking me about it, or not asking me about it, or trying to make her notice. So,

Todd: yeah, and then the, then, then the mind gets so busy ’cause it’s trying to, trying to figure out what should I do, what shouldn’t I do?

Like all very. Yeah, [00:21:00] that’s almost like a symptom of being in someone else’s business. Then the mind has to get so busy because you don’t know what to do there. Yeah,

Client 1: yeah, yeah. So again, it doesn’t land anywhere. What’s that? It doesn’t land anywhere. It’s like, oh, I got it here. If I just say something once, then it’ll be over, but it’s not, and then it just goes crazy because there’s no solution at all.

Todd: That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So going back to who would you be without the thought that she shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling, what would that be like if you, if you didn’t think that?

Client 1: Yeah, it’s like I can just be there with or without my pain. I can just be there. And it’s almost like if. It’s irrelevant if she asks or not. In a way,[00:22:00]

Todd: where does your attention go when you’re not thinking about, you know that she shouldn’t be asking you how you’re feeling. If you’re not thinking about whether she’s overloaded or not, where does your attention go?

Client 1: It just goes back 100% to me. What I can do to feel better and like doing the exercises that I need to do.

And yeah, everything is related to me, the injury and how to get better. It’s like nobody else in the picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gets

Todd: simpler. Yeah. Yeah. So turn it around. She shouldn’t be asking me how I’m feeling when she is getting overloaded already.

Client 1: She should be asking me how I feel, how I’m feeling.

Todd: Okay. How could that be as true?

Client 1: Why? [00:23:00] Why should she? Well’s obvious, but she’s my wife, so she’s worried about me anyways. Yep. Natural.

Mm-hmm.

Client 1: It should be, yeah, it’s normal. And then because she cares also, she might be. Oh, that’s interesting. Even when she gets overloaded, she still cares and she’s willing to get a little bit more overloaded by asking too.

Wow. Mm-hmm. That’s

Todd: a lot of caring.

Client 1: Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So she should be asking me how I’m feeling. Any other example for you? Why that could be

Client 1: true? Because that makes me feel like I’m being hurt as well, so that’s good for me.[00:24:00]

Yeah.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

And how is it good if she asks you how you’re feeling and she hears it and then gets like some reaction? Because she’s already overloaded, but she has some reaction maybe that you don’t want to have. How is that, how could that even be a good thing, um, for her or for you?

Client 1: Because that will make us notice what’s going on. Like, you know, maybe you’re going too far or you’re like worrying too much. Or you’re complaining too much in my case. Right?

Right.

Client 1: So,

Todd: so her asking just opens the door for looking at the situation and maybe it shows her getting over thought, overly [00:25:00] caught in her thinking or in her reaction, or being overloaded.

Or it might show that you’re getting overly caught up in the pain and getting overly reactive about that. So

Client 1: yeah,

Todd: her asking is just bringing awareness to the situation.

Client 1: Yeah, not, yeah. And it’s interesting because every time that that happened, I kinda like feel more pain in a weird way. Like, because the focus goes there and it’s like all this thing, and then I started feeling more pain.

But when I’m not thinking about it, then it’s like it just slows down and I’m feeling better, so. Mm-hmm. Makes sense.

Todd: Okay, so is there another turnaround? She shouldn’t be asking me how I’m

Client 1: feeling. Or I shouldn’t be asking me how I’m feeling. Okay, that’s,

Todd: can we make any sense of that? I don’t know. Oh, yeah.

A lot.

Client 1: Okay. [00:26:00] What do you see?

Well, I’m all the time looking at it like, do I feel a little bit better? So that’s asking to myself every day. It’s like, oh, can I move my arm a little bit more today? Is it hurting a little bit less? How am I doing? Right?

Todd: Like you’re asking yourself too much. How is, how are you feeling?

Client 1: Yeah. Right. Oh my God, that reminds me of my son.

He is like asking every two seconds. Is it done yet? Is it done yet? Is it done yet? And of course it’s not. I’m doing the exact same thing,

Todd: right? It takes, what, six or eight weeks to heal from surgery and then or longer, who knows? Is it done yet? Are we there yet?

Client 1: Checking every five minutes to see if I feel better already.

Todd: Yeah. So then of course if your wife asks about How are you doing? There’s like. You were already asking so many times it’s, it’s too much. Right? It’s

uh, yeah.[00:27:00]

Right, right.

Todd: Wow. And plus, if you’re always asking how much, like, you know, how is it, how am I feeling? I. Then it can be, there can be frustration. And when she asks, then you give that frustration and then that makes her overloaded

Client 1: even more. Right?

Todd: Yeah,

Client 1: that’s exactly what happens. Because I answered that question so many times that when she answers, when she asks one more time, then it’s like, ah, yeah, of course it’s not good.

So yeah.

Todd: So this gives you something really concrete to do to reduce the. The overload for her and this frustration for you is just a little bit less paying attention to the healing process and it’s slow pace and checking, how am I feeling? How am I feeling? If you do a little bit of that less then can be less of an of a reaction.

When she asks you, [00:28:00] like it might be the first time, she’s like, you haven’t asked yourself for many hours. And then she asks, how are you feeling? And then. Good question. Haven’t thought about that and, and Right. And it is different than I have asked. I’ve answered that question a hundred times already in the last hour.

Yeah.

Client 1: Right, right.

Todd: That’s a cool turnaround. I was not sure where that would go, but it makes a lot of sense. I shouldn’t be asking me how I’m feeling. Not that much. I shouldn’t be asking myself that much. Yeah.

Client 1: Yeah, it makes 100% sense to me. Hmm. Because that’s exactly what I’m doing. Like, just like checking on it.

Are you better now? Are you better now? Yeah.

Todd: So just on a practical level, kind of living turnaround, uh, level, what are some things you can do? That will help you from checking on your, how you’re feeling all the [00:29:00] time. What are the, what are alternative places you can put your attention? What other things, um, can you be focusing on than just on the healing of your surgery?

Client 1: Well, I can focus on the rest of the things. In fact, that will get me less busy if I have to keep checking every two minutes if I’m doing better or not. I can just focus on the rest of the things I can do. I have my schedule for like the exercises that I need to do so I can focus on doing those. And then just forget about if they, if they, they’re working or not.

The doctor will check up on that later on and will let me know.

Yeah.

Client 1: So, yeah. Yeah, I can totally shift my focus to the rest of the things that I can do for now. Which are not a lot. So,

Todd: and, and what about other things that you can do not related to your surgery, not related to your health or your [00:30:00] recovery at all?

Just what other things in your life can you focus on?

Client 1: Well, I can spend some time with my family. That’s something I can do. No problem. Yeah.

I can even do a little bit of exercise not related to the shoulder at all. Mm-hmm. Just like going to the bike a little bit and or just for a walk. That could help too.

And I can keep on reading some books that I have pending, like that aren’t like on the waiting list for. For me to have time to read in. So if I have those minutes that I’m not using Yeah, you get a lot of

Todd: reading done in that in that time. Yeah. Yeah. That’s cool. So this is just ideas, but you may find even more, uh, that can keep you so busy and [00:31:00] interested that it’s, it’s like.

Not necessary to keep checking on how you’re feeling all the time and let that take care of itself. You know, it’s a long process and the doctors are also monitoring. And then, uh, yeah, just like attention can go in other directions. And so this is a cool turnaround and it also helps with ask

Client 2: your wife how she’s feeling.

Todd: So. That’s another turnaround, actually. Right? If you think about it, like, yeah, I should be asking her how she is feeling. That’s a good one. Mm-hmm.

Client 1: That’s a really good one too. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. And that might, we don’t even have to explain that one because it’s so simple, but it’s just, that’s something to keep in mind.

Like, how are you feeling? How are you, you know, I know there’s. Lot [00:32:00] going on. How, where? Just how are you feeling? Open-ended question. And it’s not in her business either. ’cause you’re just asking and then listening.

Client 1: Right. Really cool.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So any other turnaround? She shouldn’t be asking me how I’m feeling.

I think that might be it. We could say, I shouldn’t be asking her how she’s feeling. It’s kind of the opposite of what we just were talking about, but, um, there could be truth on that side too. Do you see anything that pops out?

Client 1: Well, yeah, because she’s not, she’s trying not to worry me anymore, so she would.

Just not reply with like a hundred percent truth saying that, but just to protect me from not getting overloaded myself, which can happen easily too.

Todd: Okay. Yeah. So she could be just like you, like, like she doesn’t [00:33:00] want you to get overloaded, so she’s not gonna tell you everything, so

Client 1: Yeah, yeah,

Todd: yeah.

Client 1: Especially now.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So even though.

It’s interesting, even though asking how each other is feeling can be seen as a good thing. It can also be times when that’s, it’s nice not to do that, just to give the person a break and you kind of know where it’s gonna go anyway. And they’re not. They’re not, it might be too much. And that’s, that can be kind.

Yeah.

Cool. Okay. Well this has been fun playing with this and just looking at all different angles of this and who knows what more can be discovered. But I think it’s a really interesting inquiry. Thank you.

Client 1: Thank you. Really cool information. Definitely.