The Hidden Overwhelm of Loneliness: Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People Without a Partner

Client: Well, Todd, [00:04:00] I was thinking of maybe trying to, to do the work on, on that. Um, I’m afraid of bonding that we found. Uh, so the situation is I’m in a conversation with a friend and he is telling about his latest relationship that ended and he found out that it was about, uh, fear of bonding that went into fear of abandon.

A abandoning abundance. No, Abu, how you say that in English?

Todd: Being abandoned. Yeah. Yes,

Client: yes, yes. That’s what I mean. And, and all of a sudden I felt like I’ve been on my own for 12 years feeling totally happy with that, and I didn’t want to have any partner. And all of a sudden I thought, would it [00:05:00] be the other way around with me that I went from fear of.

Being abundant that I know very well from when, when I was younger that I went to fear of bonding. So, and I would like to try to figure that out.

Todd: Okay. So the stressful thought is you’re afraid of bonding.

Client: Yeah, I’m not, I I, I’m just wondering, I’m wondering, it was, it’s, I’m wondering, am I afraid of bonding?

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Like,

Todd: yeah. And then the stress starts, right? Then the fear starts. Yeah.

Client: It’s like, should I, should I, uh, in investigate that or I. Or can I just leave it at that and just go on living like I did? It’s like, yeah. Hmm. I’m, I’m getting curious actually.

Todd: Right, right. And the key was you felt a [00:06:00] stress when, when the thought came up, right?

That you Oh, I, yeah.

Client: It was a slight thing of, am I missing something here? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was something like that. Am I missing something in my life? So maybe if I, it were thoughts, like maybe if, if that’s true that I am afraid of bonding, um, maybe I’m missing something there. Maybe if I, I would not have that fear of bonding.

My life could even be more happy than it is now. All, all that kind of things, like,

Todd: okay. Okay. So, um, okay. So maybe, maybe

Client: the, maybe the thing is more, am I missing something because of that? That’s more that, thats more, that seems like where the

Todd: stress is really coming from. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. Well, that’s question that, well, you’re missing something in your life.

Is it true?[00:07:00]

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react when you hear this friend talking about fear of being abandoned and then kind of turning it around and saying, maybe I’m afraid of bonding. And then you look at your life being alone, being single for 12 years, and you have the thought you’re missing something. How do you react?

Client: Uh, I, I become, uh, a bit worried.

Um, I,

I feel like, hmm, not really, not really dangerous, but something in that direction. Like, could it be dangerous to, to [00:08:00] not investigate that or, um.

It was, I, I actually felt like, wow, that could be really true. I don’t, I’m not sure. I, I don’t, I want to, to

to, to get more clarity about that.

Todd: So how do you treat yourself when you think you’re missing something by being single?

Client: Um,

I don’t know.

I’m missing something. How

Todd: do you treat your life? How do you judge? Yourself [00:09:00]

Client: until then, until right before that moment, it looked all just fine and, and really my thing. And, and when that thought came, um, all of a sudden it started to maybe. It’s not as complete as I thought. It’s like, yeah, maybe I’m, maybe I’m too superficial in these things.

Like maybe I should go deeper and find out whether there is a fear going on.

Todd: Right.

Client: You never know. E especially since it struck me so. If there would be nothing, then I wouldn’t have thought [00:10:00] anything or felt anything. I think so.

Todd: So you said it was stressful. Um, there’s a, I’m hearing like a little bit of a mix of, part of you is curious, but part of you is something is a little bit stressful. Uh, there was some reaction also that happened. Is that right?

Client: Yeah, I think so. Um, it felt as if this conversation in that moment, um, touched something that I didn’t want to see, or, or so.

Mm-hmm. Like, because otherwise I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t react that way. I think. So it was too, it was too obvious. It was, it was subtle and obvious at the same time.

Todd: Okay.[00:11:00]

So any images from the past or future when you think you’re missing something?

Client: Mm.

The, the main pictures I got in that moment was actually about my, um, my relationship with the father of my children, um, at, because at that time, I. I really had that fear of being abandoned and he was very loyal and very, uh, um, how you say that? Steadfast or

Todd: steadfast. Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. And um, and so that fear got totally in the background because it wasn’t [00:12:00] needed and.

Uh, when we divorced, um, as friends, uh, very soon, I, I got into a different relationship that was totally the, the other way, totally the, the opposite. So that was a man who had problems with bonding. So my, so my. My fear of being abundant got fueled. And so all these images of that came, came back during that conversation.

So it, it was, it almost felt like, whoa, all of a sudden it’s so clear. So maybe now, I, I, I, I do, I do fear bonding or so. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It’s actually, I think. The, the [00:13:00] images that, um, that strengthened the, the feeling, the, because it was so subtle, I didn’t know why it’s, it struck me in that moment, but with the images, it became really clear.

Todd: Yeah. So any other reactions when you think you’re missing something by not having a partner?

Client: Uh, well, I didn’t think of that before. So it, it, it comes up now. It was not in the, in the situation. Um, but lately sometimes I feel like I’m missing the, the coziness, the, um, the, the, the togetherness, you know. It’s not a very strong feeling, but I [00:14:00] noticed it before. So I think one has to do with the other.

Todd: Okay.

Client: It could be, it could be one of the reactions to, to that missing, that feeling of missing.

Todd: So who would you be without the thought when your friend talks about. His fear of being abandoned, and maybe it’s a fear of being, of being bonded to someone, and you see yourself having lived alone for 12 years. Who would you be without the thought that you’re missing something as you hear this conversation?

Client: I, I think just the curiousness would stay like, hmm. It’s like a puzzle that comes together. So [00:15:00] maybe, and I’m, I’m always interested in experimenting or finding out about things. So, so that feels interesting, fascinating in a way, how, how people’s minds work and my mind in this case.

Todd: Mm-hmm. So what’s the difference without the thought that I’m missing something?

What is, what is the difference between with the thought and without the thought In that situation,

Client: the difference is that there is no worry around, around the whole thing. It’s only the curiousness that’s left.

Todd: Yeah. Cool.

Client: And it, it’s like, it doesn’t really matter that much in the sense that if it’s really a thing for me, then it will come [00:16:00] my way.

Uh, anyway,

it will become, um, I will, uh, I will get into situations that make it more clear. I think if it’s really something.

Todd: Right. I’m hearing almost a kind of trust there.

Client: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Without

Todd: that thought. Yeah.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So with the thought, there’s a worry. Yes. And without the thought, there’s more of a trust or a curiosity.

Client: Yeah. Isn’t it really? Feels like inner peace. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So that’s the effect of this thought on you in that situation when you think you’re missing something. Just that little thought. And take you from curious and, and trusting to worried. It’s a small little thing. Yeah. But you felt it and that’s why we’re doing this work.

Yeah. [00:17:00]

Client: And interesting. Interestingly, it’s um, when I, when I, um, how you say that, when I grab the fear, the worry. The, when I stick to the worry, uh, immediately other thoughts come up that, that feed the worry. And when I don’t, when I stick to trust, then it’s, it just doesn’t happen that way. Hmm.

Todd: Yeah.

Stressful thoughts create new, stressful thoughts. Yeah. It’s a vicious cycle. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. And it, it even starts to become bigger.

Todd: Hmm. So something wrong with me, right? Yes. Yes.

Client: I can, I can really see it go that direction. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So this is [00:18:00] really valuable to see ’cause it shows you the effect of this do.

Now sometimes they say one drop of poison in the. In the mix, we’ll make the whole thing poison. So now you have one stressful thought, I’m missing something. And all of these stressful reactions begin to happen and then become even stronger. Yeah. So, and if you didn’t have that thought that you’re missing something, you’re just kind of open-minded and curious, and maybe you’ll discover something about yourself and maybe you’ll be shown.

Yeah.

Client: Yeah. And the interesting thing I learned from this is. It looked like something that was too small to inquire. But now that I see this and I can really see it going in an into a direction that it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. It’s uh, it’s almost like preventing, preventing, uh, yeah. A stressful story.

Todd: You’re catching it early. [00:19:00] You’re catching it. Yes. You’re sensitive enough to catch the stressful. Moment to identify a thought which we did here, and then start questioning it, and you’re unraveling that while it’s still tiny and not causing very much problem. But if that had set there unquestioned and then life had gone on, things might have gotten.

More stressful in some way and that it might have gotten bigger and the next time you see it, it’s like coming up as an explosion. It’s coming up as something large. So it is preventive medicine. Yeah,

Client: that’s interesting. It’s the first time that I see fear or worry, which is a kind of fear in this way, that it’s, um, it’s something that.

Even without being conscious starts to grow anyway. Yeah. [00:20:00] Like as, as if it, it’s, it’s just like, I don’t know, a cancer or, so that, just like a little seed. Yeah. Yeah. And it, it just starts growing in itself even when you don’t know. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. That’s the power of believing a thought. And even though you, there was, it was not a super stressful situation.

You were believing that thought and you now see the effect of believing that thought, which was to cause worry. And if it went unchecked, it would cause more worry and more stress, and then larger and larger stress from there. So yeah, being aware of it. So let’s try turning the thought around. I’m missing something by not having a partner.

Client: I’m not missing something by not having a partner.

Todd: Okay.

Client: How could that be as

Todd: true or truer?

Client: Yeah. I mean, I already [00:21:00] told that my life was just nice. I like, I like my life as a single and that’s still the case. I’m free. I’m, I can be wherever I want, do whatever I want. Um, I have a, a very, uh, large network, actually too large.

I need to diminish it. Uh, and I really have good friendships and everything, so I, I don’t see anything that I, I, I really miss. So,

yeah.

Todd: So that’s the definition of a story, right? In that moment. Your mind almost created a little story or what, however it happened, whether it created it or it believed it, [00:22:00] somehow it just started attaching onto that story of maybe I’m missing something. And it disregards what was actually working, uh, for 12 years.

Client: Yeah. And I also wonder whether it has to do with culture, like Hmm. When you’re a single, you actually miss someone you don’t know, but you actually miss someone.

Todd: Sure. Yeah. I think it’s very cultural. You know, the norm is to have a partner and if you don’t have a partner, there’s something wrong with you.

Client: Yeah, yeah. Not

Todd: quite that strong, but it can go in that direction for sure.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. So,

Todd: um, thinking of another turnaround, which would be, I’m missing something by thinking that I’m missing something. [00:23:00]

Client: Oh, oh yeah. I’m missing something by thinking that I’m missing something. Yeah, that’s, I guess that’s true.

That’s interesting. I’m missing something by thinking I’m missing something. It’s, it’s actually it. It looks obvious to me. Yeah, I, I cannot really give examples. It’s, it’s just an obvious thing.

Todd: Exactly. Exactly. So you were missing something, you weren’t wrong. It just wasn’t, it didn’t have to do with a partner.

It had to do with getting caught in a story that you should have a partner, um, that there’s something off or wrong there. Um, so.

[00:24:00] So going back to that first turnaround, is there any other example why you’re not missing something according to you by ha, by not having a partner?

Client: Well, sometimes I think, and a psychologist might call that. Fear of, uh, bonding. But sometimes I think, well, if I don’t have a partner, I mean, I’m in my sixties, so a partner will probably also be in his sixties or seventies.

So there will be a day that if I don’t go first, he will go first and then it will be hard. It will be hard. So, and since I’m. I feel happy already. It looks like I don’t want that.

Todd: Yeah, so call it what you may, [00:25:00] but

Client: yeah,

Todd: what I’m hearing is you’re content with your life as it is, and it doesn’t mean you can’t explore the idea

Client: mm-hmm.

Todd: Of, you know, like being open or exploring the idea. Even that you’re afraid of bonding. The way you mentioned all this can be explored and can be interesting, but without the story that you’re missing something, um, it’s just a exploration, something curious.

Client: Yes.

Todd: Yeah. Cool. So I don’t see any other turnarounds offhand. Do you see any that I might be missing? Oh, I do see another turnaround. Yeah. To your side. I was,

Client: uh, I was thinking, uh, I’m, I’m missing, what was it again? I’m missing,

Todd: I’m missing something by not having a partner.

Client: I’m missing something by not having a partner.

I’m missing something by having a partner. [00:26:00]

Todd: Okay. How could that be true?

Client: Well, I, I would miss a certain kind of freedom.

Todd: You would be missing that certain kind of freedom. True by definition, which,

Client: which is big for me.

Uh, yeah. Well, I could, I could, I could really find a lot, a lot more examples. I would like to go back to the one that you said to myself.

Todd: Yeah. Also, I’m missing myself by

Client: seeing something when I,

Todd: by not having myself,

Client: by not having, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s for sure. I mean, that’s, that’s a lot truer actually.

Todd: So how did that show up in this situation? I.

Client: Well, it almost feels like I wasn’t trusting myself or [00:27:00] so in that situation. Like, yeah, oh some, somebody tells something about fear of abandonment and fear of bonding. I recognize something and immediately I think. Maybe I’m, this is not good or something, I’m missing something.

Todd: That’s it. So you’re tru not trusting yourself. You’re not being a partner to yourself.

Client: Yeah. So you’re

Todd: missing something. You’re not there for you. Like 12 years of ex direct experience. Just push it aside and, yeah. Yeah. Doesn’t mean both can’t be true.

Client: Yeah, exactly. It doesn’t mean that maybe there is a truth in that fear of, uh, bonding and everything, but it, it doesn’t have to, um, to worry me it, [00:28:00] since I have been happy all the time

Todd: Exactly, exactly like maybe this happiness all the time.

You can just enjoy and. Yet some new revelations are coming that will take your experience to a whole nother level. Mm-hmm. Whether you’re single or not. And so it sounds like just an open mind or an open heart to whatever is being uncovered, but that’s a very different way of doing it than the fear or the worry or the doubt.

Self-doubt. Yeah. Yeah.

Client: It, it feels a lot more spacious and, um, free and, uh, playful. Yeah, it’s, it just feels good. It feels part of my happiness.[00:29:00]