The Work of Byron Katie Made Simple (Stress Management for HSPs)

Client: [00:00:00] There’s always been something that kind of like messes up with my mind a little bit and is that I’m not good enough to myself because I’m always looking like, uh, at the high standards like. You should do this better. You should work more hours. You should get more money. You should, yeah, be better in general.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room. This is my new podcast where we look at stress and we find ways of turning it around. We used the work of Byron Katy, which is a simple, powerful way to question what you think, and in doing so, we. Often discover that a situation doesn’t have to change in order to come back to peace or freedom Again, I’m Todd [00:01:00] Smith and on the program today we’ll be looking at what exactly is the work of Byron Katie.

And we’ll be listening to, uh, a question from someone who was wondering, does the work make you give up too easily? Do you become complacent or become a doormat when you do the work? And finally we’ll do, we’ll listen as listen or watch as, uh, a participant does the work on. I’m not good enough. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together and l Listen or view the open session here.

This is an unedited recording so that you can experience the work exactly as it is in real life. Okay? Enjoy the recording.

Client 2: This actually comes up a lot for me when I am doing the work or thinking about doing the work or sometimes hear other people do the work. [00:02:00] Sometimes I think, um, it feels like it’s a way of avoiding a, a problem with someone or sort of taking, um, sort of taking the blame myself instead of. Maybe looking at doing, uh, somehow doing something with this person.

And I understand it’s a self work, like we’re just looking at ourselves. I get that, but sometimes it feels like it’s taking, it’s moving the emphasis to a place where it’s less helpful. 

Todd: Yeah. Does that make sense? It does, yes. It’s a definitely a, a, a common, um. Thought or doubt that comes up with regards to the work and it’s something to consider seriously for sure.

Um, you know, the work for me. Is for this domain, this internal domain of my own experience. [00:03:00] But sometimes it gets confusing because we’re dealing with outside things and sometimes, uh, there’s like, uh, it, it can be confusing where you’re thinking, oh, I shouldn’t, you know, I, I should take it more easy on the outside.

I shouldn’t be as proactive or I should just. Take it, um, as it as it comes kind of thing. And 

Client 2: well, it’s more, it’s more like I’m thinking a situation where, um, this is to the extreme, but like, say there’s, you’re in an abusive situation or relationship and you’re doing the turnarounds and you’re turning everything in on yourself and.

It doesn’t seem as helpful. Right. 

Todd: You know? Exactly. This is a, that’s the classic, uh, case of this. And so what helps me is to remember what the work is for. The work is for me to take care of my own inner [00:04:00] experience. And so if I’m in an abusive relationship and I do the work, I’m going to find how I’m abusing myself.

In that process, basically how I am making it even worse than it is. It’s a bad situation, there’s no doubt, but, but what the work points out is how I’m making it even worse for myself. And so it can help me bring that back down. At least I stop abusing myself a bit or even abusing the other person. Like I come to a more neutral place.

But that doesn’t mean that their actions are. Not off or that I should even stay in the relationship. So, um, once I gain a little clarity, once I stop beating myself up, um, or stop abusing myself in a situation, then I have a little more clarity to take action in a more objective way. So, um, [00:05:00] in many times I, I’ve had the experience where I actually have gained courage from doing the work.

Like I actually have. I’m like less victimized. Like when I’m victimized, someone’s abusing me and I’m in a victim position and then I really take on that victim position. I’m paralyzed. So, but when I do the work, I start seeing that I’m not totally a victim here. Yes, there is abuse happening, but I also have some, some movement, some ability to, um, do.

Something with that either completely frees myself or possibly, um, um, see other alternatives. And so if I give myself a little more space and which is, which is what I experience happens when I do the work, then often I’ll find, um. Solutions to the problem, including leaving or standing up for myself or, um, any number of other things.[00:06:00] 

And then of course, 

Client 2: I think that all that speaks to like, when you get to the point where like, I look forward to blah, blah, blah. It’s sort of like, I can see that in that situation because it’s, it turns all the resources onto yourself. Which is the whole work is about that, but it’s like, I look forward to because no matter what, like I have the resources to move into this, to handle this.

That’s 

Todd: right. It’s the opposite of being, um, powerless. It’s empowering. That’s what we’re doing with the work. We’re shifting the responsibility from the other person towards ourself, and as long as you do that gently and don’t beat yourself up, then it’s actually very empowering. Then suddenly, wait a minute.

Um, yeah, this is an abusive person, but I don’t have to just stand there and take it. Like I have a lot of options and that’s what the work’s about. 

Client 2: Or become abusive as well. Right, which is the 10, like react, you know, be highly [00:07:00] reactive. Exactly. 

Todd: Because reaction will lead to more abuse. Either I’ll abuse the person back or I’ll abuse myself or both.

And when I do the work, I, I step out of that abuse cycle a bit and just. Start seeing things from a little bit bigger perspective. And then I’m like, well, of course this doesn’t make sense. Why would I stay in a situation that’s abusive, that’s not kind to myself, and certainly not serving the other person either.

So, so yeah, clarity gives more space. That’s, that’s what we’re doing here. 

Client 2: It’s, that’s helpful. Like, I’ve heard you say this, I think, I think I’ve even asked this question before, but it’s, it, I get confused every time it comes up. Even though I feel like something helpful is happening, so it’s just, it’s just good to hear it again.

Yeah. And again. Yeah, 

Todd: absolutely. Yep. And just because I get clear on the inside doesn’t mean I become like a doormat basically. That’s sort of where, what, what this whole thing is about. I, I actually become [00:08:00] stronger inside and, and more courageous and the result is often. Action that looks really quite firm and strong, which is the opposite.

Client 2: So really the the turnaround really isn’t, I mean, this is help clearing it up for me. It’s not turning it on myself, it’s looking at the truth of myself. Some may or may not be accurate, but it’s helping me get clear on me, 

Todd: right? 

Client 2: The turnaround, whatever someone else is doing, it’s really not about them.

It’s about, no, let me turn this around and see where does this live in me. So that I can work with that. That’s 

Todd: right. That’s right. Taking, taking my power back. That’s what’s happening. I’m taking my power back. Yeah. When I see that. And that’s, yeah, that’s the opposite of becoming wimpy or, or, um, complacent.

Yeah. 

Client 2: Yeah. 

Todd: Cool. Thank you. [00:09:00] 

Client 2: Yeah. Thank you. 

Todd: All right. So, um.

So would anyone like to do the work

or any other? I would like to 

Client: do the work. 

Todd: Okay, great. Let’s do it. So what is your situation? 

Client: Situation is, um, I’ve always been in an environment where there’s a lot of narcissistic personalities around me, including myself growing up, like you kinda. Like live in an environment where like you’re used to watching people do certain things so you follow just the pattern of what you see until you realize that there’s some things that you shouldn’t do obviously.

So there’s always been something that kind of like messes up with my mind a little bit and is that I’m not good enough to myself. [00:10:00] Yeah, because I’m always looking like, uh, at the high standards, like, you should do this better. You should work more hours, you should get more money. You should yeah, be better in general.

So it comes to my mind, like my mind beating myself up, saying like, oh, you’re not good enough. So I think that’s what I would like to work on. That phrase that I’m not good enough. 

Todd: Hmm. Yeah, it’s a good one. It’s a good one. So what helps when working this statement, um, which is one I think almost all of us can relate to, is, can you find, um, a particular context or situation, um, to, to hold as you’re, as you’re working this?

I’m not good enough. 

Client: Yeah. Just like working just like a few days ago. Like, I was really [00:11:00] tired, but I feel like I should have worked more hours. So I feel like I wasn’t, you’re, you’re not good enough. ’cause you should be, you should be able to work more hours. You know, you shouldn’t get that tired. You should, you should just be able to do it.

So, oh, you’re not good enough. It goes back to like, it, it keeps reminding me that like, I’m not good enough because of those kind of things. 

Todd: Okay, great. So look at that situation. Kind of go back to that situation where you were thinking you should be able to work more hours so you’re not good enough. Is that true?

Client: Yeah, I believe that.

Todd: Can you absolutely know it’s true. You’re not good enough when you’re not able to work more hours?[00:12:00] 

Client: No, absolutely no. 

Todd: Okay, so how do you react in that situation when you weren’t able to work more and you’re believing? As a result that you’re not good enough, how do you react? What happens

Client: without it? I feel like there’s a weight that I’m just like dropping to the side. Like I don’t have the pressure of living up to the standards of somebody else. I just don’t feel the pressure of following what other people are saying that you should be doing in terms of, oh, you should work harder. Like, you just don’t think about it.

You just stop when you stop. [00:13:00] Yeah. So how It’s like a relief. 

Todd: Okay. So you’re kind of playing with who you’d be without the thought. Um, but like how do you react when you think you really are believing that you’re not good enough in that situation? And that you should be working more hours. 

Client: When I believe it, I feel sad.

I feel, can’t even think like depression starts hitting me a little bit there. Starting like, oh, here we go again. You’re not, you’re not able to do that. You’re definitely not good enough, so. Yeah, I feel bad. I even feel sorry for myself for not being able to leave up to the standards or whatever that is.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Do you notice it in your body anywhere? 

Client: I feel the stress. I feel like my body [00:14:00] shrinking and like trying to go to like a fetal position or something and just like staying there. 

Todd: Totally. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah, I can definitely feel distress can even start sweating a little bit, thinking about it and

yeah, and just like go back to the past where with all those times that it happened before that I believed that I was not good enough. So I see the flashes in my head of everything going back from there. Yeah. 

Todd: What are some of those images that come to mind when you think you’re not good enough? 

Client: Like failure, like when I was not able to achieve something that I wanted, um, when I thought I could do something and I gave up ’cause it was too hard or I just didn’t have the time or you know, like all [00:15:00] the times that I failed and I was not able to.

Do something that I needed to do, I knew I needed to do or, or I just wanted to do and I couldn’t.

Todd: Yeah. And do you see any images into the future just last week when you were thinking you won’t, you can’t work more hours, you’re not able to, and you’re believing you’re not good enough. What do you see in the future?

Client: Believing the thought. I see it happening over and over again that I’m not going to achieve what I need, that I’m going to give up, that I’m going to stop

that. I’m not even gonna try. Sometimes if I, if I know what the result is going to be, then I’m just gonna not even try it, you know, just. I already know what’s gonna happen. [00:16:00] That’s what I think. Yeah, I can see that.

Todd: And how do you treat your work when you think you’re not good enough? 

Client: The work, 

Todd: your work, like your job, your, the thing that you’re doing. 

Client: How do I treat it? 

Todd: When you think you’re not good, that’s good. 

Client: Sometimes if I believe in it, like, yeah, not great. Complain about it. Like I, again, go back to the decisions that led me to a certain point and I decide, uh, I think I should have decided something else, something different.

Like I feel guilty because of it. I feel like, oh, you should have taken a different [00:17:00] position, or you should have taken different, or you should have chose a different person to work with or,

yeah, it’s really stressful. 

Todd: Yeah. So who would you be last week when you were. When you were thinking you should be able to work more hours, and you were believing that as a result you’re not good enough, who would you be without the thought that you’re not good enough? Yeah. So who would you be without the thought?

You’re not good enough when you’re not able to work more hours.

Client: Okay. I would be okay.

I wouldn’t have to worry about people thinking that I’m not good enough, which brings me to think that I would [00:18:00] feel, yeah, I feel

happy just with the result, not being able to do it or not wanting to do it more. Being peace with my decision, not, not to do it, just peaceful, I think that’s the word. Hmm. Like I wouldn’t be beating myself up because of all the thoughts that came from the past. Just, yeah, just leave it and just be peaceful.

Being peace. 

Todd: Yeah.

Yeah. What’s it like to quit your job for the day? Not finished without the thought. I’m not good enough.[00:19:00] 

Client: What is it like

he would be okay too. Like it’ll be a good decision if I don’t, if I feel tired or if I feel that I need a break.

Feels,

yeah. There’s no guilt on it, like just do it or don’t do it,

and I don’t feel the pressure of having to and do it. Because of days or that or, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. How would your evening go without the thought that you’re not good enough?

Client: Could sleep a lot better, that’s for sure.[00:20:00] 

No. I think my behavior will be better too. Like around the people around me, like my family and stuff will be a lot better. They could, I could enjoy our time together a lot more than maybe having my head somewhere else and not leaving that present, but leaving in the past or something. Yeah, and that’s a great feeling.

Todd: Hmm. Cool. So let’s turn the thought around. I’m not good enough.

Client: First one will be. I’m good enough. 

Todd: Okay, so the context is so when you are not able to work more hours, so how is it that you’re [00:21:00] good enough even with that?

Client: I’m good enough because I worked a lot of hours.

Todd: Let’s count ’em. How many hours do you have an estimate that day? 

Client: Not sure. That day, like. Like 12 or 13, something like that. That’s a lot of hours

thinking about it. A lot more hours than what I should.

Todd: Exactly. It’s, I love to see the objective figure there, you know, 12, 13 hours, like Yeah. Yeah. And I should be able to work more hours. Yeah. Yeah.

You start to see the the, the [00:22:00] reality. So I am good enough. In other words, I have worked enough hours. 

Client: Yeah, that’s true. It’s a lot of hours. If you put a number to it, 

Todd: that’s a lot of hours. It’s like 

Client: a lot more than what I should, and I’m still thinking that I’m not. Right. Working enough hours, 

Todd: right? 

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: Exactly. Like there for me, this kind of work, I’ve done this kind of work too, and there’s often underlying beliefs in there. Like, I can’t rest until this job is done. You know, like, and those kind of things can be great to work as well. But, um. So this is a great example. I, I am good enough. I’ve worked enough.

And what have you accomplished in that time? Let’s look at it that [00:23:00] way. How are you good enough in that way?

Client: Uh, I got a lot of things done, like completely done. Some that I thought I was not gonna make that day, for sure. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Somehow the mind discounts those like, oh yeah. All those things I got done. Well, they don’t count because I’m still not done. I should be working more. 

Client: Yeah. And I’m noticing how it’s like tying up everything.

If, if I finish something and I start another thing, then if, if I don’t finish that, it’s not enough. Even when I already finished something before that. 

Todd: Right. Right. Yeah. So how is it enough? How are you good enough? If you stop in the middle of a job at the end of the day,

Client: it’s good enough because I achieved the goal of the day, like I [00:24:00] did. I completed a lot of things that I, that I planned and in completing. If one, it’s not completed by the end of the day, it’s okay too. ’cause I can always go back the next day and finish that first, and then move to the next thing. 

Todd: Yeah, it’s like an easy win the next day.

It’s like an easy win, just, oh, it’s already half done. I can finish that one first thing. Already accomplished something. So, yeah, good enough. Good enough. I love the word enough, like I’m good enough. I’ve worked enough. Sure there’s more to do, but it’s not nothing. It’s almost random. Like when the end of the day comes, what are the chances that I will at that moment, when the day comes, comes to an end, my working time comes to an end.

At that moment, my projects just happen to be finished. Right. Then like what are the [00:25:00] chances of that? It’s like. One in a hundred, I think. Yeah. Or even more. Or more. Right. Like that’s a very, you’d have to be super skilled to make sure that everything just finished right at the end of the time. Right? Like, yeah.

What if I’m just done when the time’s done and then I start again the next day?

Client: Yeah. It feels like. Like that loop of going back to kind of like unfinished business. Like it disregards everything that you did throughout the day and it just goes back to, oh, but you didn’t finish this. 

Todd: Exactly. 

Client: So it’s, it reminds me of, uh, of the wall that is completely wide and if there’s just one great sparkle somewhere, you’ll just focus on that instead of like the 99.9% of the wall that is white.

Todd: Exactly. Yeah. [00:26:00] That’s the mind for you. You work 12, 13 hours, accomplishing so many things completely, and then the last project of the day don’t get done. So I’m not good enough. I, and I get tired. I can’t do anymore. So I’m a failure because I didn’t finish it 

Client: right. And then I go to sleep with that thought.

And of course, like resting is not great. 

Todd: Right. 

Client: Yeah, I’m not going with the wings, but with what was half done or started or unfinished.

Todd: Yeah, so I’m good enough when I look, depends on where I focus. If I focus on the last project. Then I see it’s not finished. But if I look at everything I accomplished that day might be something to even just like almost a living turnaround to look [00:27:00] and look at all the things I did that day. Wow, okay.

That, wow. Cool, cool. 

Client: Right, and if you go down the list, if you put like a to-do list or something, you’ll see a lot of things checked. Just one that is not checked and you can see 10, 13, 20, whatever it is that are checked that maybe at the start of a day you didn’t even think that it was possible to do that many

Todd: changes. Things you’re, it really does. Suddenly, suddenly I’m good enough, like Wow. Okay. Actually pretty good. Yeah, that’s a lot. And I live, and I live in a human body and that body has a certain limit and yeah, [00:28:00] I can respect that too. Good enough to have a break now. 

Client: Yeah. And the body’s like kind of let, letting you know, okay, it’s time to rest, and you try to stretch that a little bit.

More and more until you can’t anymore. It’s like, it’s okay. That’s the limit. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Cool. Well, thank you, Edwin. 

Client: Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, my pleasure. My pleasure. This is good stuff. I can relate very much, very much

if you’d like to participate in these open sessions. We do them every week, and it’s a great way to get more familiar with the work, either listening or actually being a participant and asking questions and, and doing the work with me. [00:29:00] So to sign up for that, uh, go to the work as meditation.com and then you’ll see a link, uh, right there on the homepage to go to open sessions.

And there you can, you can find the, uh, schedule of upcoming sessions. I do them, uh, on different days at different times of the day, so different time zones can participate. Find one that works for you. It should show you the, the time in your own, uh, time zone on the calendar and sign up there. And, uh, if you want to be part of the, one of the guest participants, then um, just go through that process of signing the release form and then.

You can, uh, also schedule time for that as well. Okay. So the next thing I’d like to do is to read one of my newsletter articles. This is an article that I wrote a long time ago actually. Um, I haven’t actually read it in quite a while, but the [00:30:00] title is What exactly is the Work and. I’d like to read that in this first podcast, podcast episode.

Um, for anyone who’s new to the work, to get a overview of what this process is, you’ve just experienced it, you’ve just heard it, uh, going the, the practice of it, um, as you heard in that piece of work on, I’m not good enough, but hearing it, you may not know what exactly was going on, and so. In this article, we’ll describe it a little in more, more detail, and you may recognize some of the elements, um, that, that, uh, were being, that we were going through in that, uh, last piece of work.

So here is the article. What exactly is the work?

The Bright Arizona sunshine warmed his bones as Jason climbed the trail up. To Cathedral Rock. [00:31:00] It was a beautiful day out there. The blue sky contrasting deeply with the Red Rocks of Sedona. By the way, I used to live in Sedona. Suddenly a jolt of primal fear shot through his body. Every hair was standing on end.

Jason jumped back and ran down the trail. A rattlesnake had been sunning itself on the path, and Jason had come just inches from stepping on this deadly animal. His heart was pounding as he made his retreat, but something made him stop and he went back to have a second look. When he returned, the rattlesnake had not moved an inch, as Jason cautiously approached it for a second time.

He can make out. The fibers of an old decaying rope.

[00:32:00] Basically, Jason had scared himself for nothing. And the funny thing is it doesn’t take much to get the mind worked up a little rope. Lying on the path is all it takes, and the mind creates a terrifying story out of it in no time. One disapproving comment, for example. Sometimes all it takes for the mind to create a story that your lover doesn’t love you.

One word of discouragement and the mind finds a million doubts to bog you down. Maybe some person is a little late to pay you, and the mind invents a story of how they’re cheating you out of house and home. Or one little cue from the environment and the mind blows it up into a full-fledged crisis. This is what we all do all the time.

We live in our stories almost more than reality sometimes, and it’s [00:33:00] sometimes hard to tell the difference. So how can we stop scaring ourselves with our stories? The secret lies in going back to take a second look. That’s what Jason did. He went back. When you go back and take a second look, you start seeing evidence that blows big holes in the story that your mind created.

Taking a second look is what the work of Byron Katie is all about. It’s a systematic way to take a second look. So how does the work accomplish this? We say the work of Byron Katie, but the short version of it is the work. The work is a way to first identify and then question the thoughts that cause you stress.

You first have to find what they are, identify them, and then we go through this questioning process. The work of Byron Katie is simply a set of [00:34:00] questions that you can ask yourself regarding any stressful thought. So let’s look at this process in depth. First step, identify a stressful thought. To do this, it’s helpful to fill out a judge your neighbor worksheet.

So a judge, your neighbor worksheet is a worksheet that was designed by Byron Katie, and it has a number of blanks and a number of prompts. And you first of all, find a specific situation that got you stressed, and then you start writing down your thoughts about. Whoever it was that stressed you in that situation.

So if it’s a person, you write your thoughts about that person, and these are not the nice kind of thoughts. They’re the judgmental kind of thoughts. That’s why it’s called a judge your neighbor worksheet. And the idea is you want to get your thoughts on [00:35:00] paper. Once you’ve identified these thoughts and there’s room for identifying a lot of them on the worksheet, then you’ll go through and start asking the four questions and, and finding turnarounds for the statements that you found.

But it’s. As much a meditation to identify the stressful thoughts that are bothering you in a particular situation before you even get to the questioning part. So don’t, don’t rush that part. It’s also, uh, an important part of the process and it requires a certain amount of honesty. It requires a certain amount of humility that you are admitting that you’re actually.

You know, thinking these things, we, we’d like to think that we only think nice things, but um, when push comes to shove and we get stressed, we, we think all kinds of [00:36:00] stressful kinds of thinking. And so the idea is to get those thoughts verbatim out onto the paper where I can look at them objectively and then begin to do the work.

So once you have thoughts down on paper, maybe you filled out the judge your neighbor worksheet, then the next step is to pick one of those statements and go through the four questions of the work. Four questions are one, is it true? I’m really asking is it true? This is going back and taking a second look, right?

Number two, can you absolutely know it’s true? Then third question is, how do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? And then the fourth question is, who would you be without that thought? And then we come to the final part of the work called turnarounds, where we’re basically asking the question, could the opposite be true?[00:37:00] 

And there may be several opposites or turnarounds to the original thought. Let’s look at each of these pieces of the work in a little more detail. So the first one, is it true this question is meant to slow you down. It, it makes you pause and reconsider. Is it true that Jason almost stepped on a rattlesnake?

This question asks you to go back and look. In fact, all the other questions of the, of the work are really elaborations of this question. Is it true? And the answer to the question, is it true? Is yes or no? And it’s easy to, um, get, like, want to go into explanation about it or to kind of, um. Yeah. The real essence of the, of the exercise is to give yourself time to [00:38:00] consider the yes or consider the no, but to actually get in touch with what is seems closest for you.

At that moment, get in touch with your own experience, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. You can change your mind, but land on a yes or a no. That’s part of the exercise. If the answer is to question one is a no, then you skip question two and go straight on to question three. But if your answer is, is a yes to, is it true?

Then there’s a second question. Can you absolutely. No, it’s true. And again, the answer is just a yes or a no, but this is yet another chance to look again. It’s like going back, taking a second look. Now we’re taking a third look. If question one is like taking a vote, you know, is it true if 51% of me says yes, then I’ll go with a yes.

Question two is more like [00:39:00] I’m looking for an anomaly. If I can find, uh, even a shadow of a doubt that it’s not true. Then my answer is no. So I’m looking for that one exception. Is it possible that it’s not true? Even though I’m pretty sure it’s true, like, and if I can find something, then I would go to a no.

So once you’ve gone through these first two questions, the third question is how do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? Now, this is an opportunity to take a look at how the stressful concept. Is affecting your life. It’s time to simply report your reactions, not explain them. If Jason were doing the work on the snake, he would be reporting that he was scared that he ran away, that his hair stood up on end, that his heart started beating.

These are reactions, so we’re reporting the reactions. We go back into the [00:40:00] situation and report the reactions that I had when I’m believing that thought. In this question, uh, report your emotions. Report the physical sensations that you feel report the way you treat other people. When you believe the thought, especially if you are judging a particular person, how are you treating that person in that moment when you’re believing that thought?

And then how do you treat yourself in that same situation? These are all types of reactions. And the purpose of this question is to show you what happens to your life when you believe a stressful thought. It’s like when you’re under the influence of a stressful thought, what happens to you in that situation?

And the more specific you are in answering, the more clear it becomes what the effect is of a particular thought. So the last question, question four, who would you be without that thought? Um. Gets [00:41:00] you to explore what is the difference? You know, like when you’re believing the thought, that’s question three.

Question four is, who would you be without the thought? So we get to compare contrast. What’s the difference that this thought makes with it? I’m stressed out. Who would I be without it? And it’s a very interesting question to sit in. So this is an experiment to further clarify the effect of the thought, keeping everything the same in the original situation.

What would be the difference if that thought was not there in your mind? Just what difference would it make if that thought wasn’t there? It’s important to understand that the question is not asking you to drop the thought. It’s not saying, oh, don’t believe the thought anymore. What the question is asking is purely hypothetical.

It’s just asking [00:42:00] how would your experience be different in that situation if big, if, if you weren’t believing that thought. So you have to imagine a little bit what would it be like? Who would I be? It’s like playing pretend a little bit. Who would I be in that same situation if I didn’t believe that thought?

So Jason, who would I be in that same situation if I didn’t believe it was a snake? There would be no, no heart racing, no running away, no fear. The same situation would be seen as like, okay, yeah, there’s a string on the ground. No big deal. So when you expand your mind a bit and consider the question, you may find that you have more peace, more balance, more love, more humor, more perspective.

Yeah. Without the thought, there was a snake at [00:43:00] Jason’s feet. He would’ve calmly stepped over the rope and continued hiking down the path. So this is the power of inquiry. This is this work of Byron Katie is inquiry self-inquiry. And when I engage in this kind of inquiry, I start to see the same situations sometimes very differently, and that can make a big difference in my internal experience.

So after you’ve done the four questions on a statement, the next part is to go the turnarounds. And turnarounds are a way of asking could the opposite be true? Could the very opposite of what I was thinking be true? A turnaround is a statement that is an opposite of the original concept. For example, the original concept was it’s a diamond backed rattlesnake.

One turnaround would be, it’s not a diamond backed rattlesnake. These [00:44:00] turnarounds don’t have to be fancy or complex, just the very opposite will do. So for each turnaround, and there may be more than one kind of turnaround for different statements, but for each turnaround, it’s important to look for a few examples, like genuine examples of how that turnaround could be as true or maybe even truer than the original concept.

Um, I often make a list of three examples, but you’re not, you’re not, you don’t have to hold yourself to three examples, just look for what you can find. But often there is more than one example, and these examples kind of give weight to the turnaround. They start to give some. Balance to the situation where before I was believing the original statement.

It’s a snake. It’s a snake, it’s a snake, and then I start finding the turnaround. It’s not a snake, and I start finding examples. Oh, [00:45:00] there are some frayed rope fiber fibers on this snake. You know, that’s an example of some evidence showing that maybe it’s not a snake. There’s some, there’s some rope fibers on that snake.

That’s a little strange. In fact, uh, there’s kind of a braided pattern, uh, that I’ve never seen on any snake before. So that’s an example of the turnaround. Maybe it’s not a snake, maybe it’s not. And then, you know, the snake didn’t move even when Jason almost stepped on it. So maybe that’s another little piece of evidence that supports the theory that maybe it’s not a snake.

So, you know, in this case it’s, it’s in retrospect obvious that it’s not a snake, but when you’re in the, the thick of it, you don’t know. You really think it is a snake and it takes some time to look for these kind of specific points of evidence that will start [00:46:00] to, to, um, show a possible other explanation for the situation.

So these examples, and you can find more of them if you need them, help the mind to see the point of view that it had missed before they help the mind see more of the reality of the situation, or at least a more balanced view of the situation. Sometimes you can’t know exactly what is the truth, but this is a little more balanced view of it.

Maybe it’s a snake, maybe it’s not. It’s a more open mind and this balances the original story. So looking for 1, 2, 3, or more genuine examples for each turnaround can be very helpful. But if you don’t find genuine examples for some turnarounds, that’s okay too. The work is just an exploration and you can just simply keep moving to see if there are other turnarounds to explore.

Not every turnaround [00:47:00] is, uh, is like, you know. Wow. Okay. Got it. Yeah. Right. No, it’s, some of ’em make sense, some don’t make sense. The way I think of it is like there are a bunch of doors to knock on, so I knock on the first turnaround door and, and it opens. Great. Cool. I knock on the second turnaround door and nothing happens.

Okay. No problem. Move to the next door, knock, and that way I will see what I see, discover what I discover, and all the time I’m checking in with myself. And looking for, um, like I’m basing my judgment of the turnaround on my own experience. So if it makes sense to me, great. I adopt it. If it doesn’t make sense to me, I don’t, I’m in control of where I go with these turnarounds.

But the turnarounds will point you in directions that you might not explore otherwise. So you’ll never know What you’ll find when you [00:48:00] look at the turnarounds with an open mind, it’s often possible to find very concrete evidence to support the idea in this case that it really is a rope and not a snake.

But what if I chance upon a snake that’s real? So you might be wondering if the work could be a kind of dangerous practice. Could you end up convincing yourself to pick up a deadly snake by believing that it was just a rope instead like fooling yourself, right? The answer is no. The work is a process of going back to take a second look.

It’s not a trick of mind. It’s simply ask you to reexamine the thing you think is so scary and find out if it’s real. If you go back and find there really is a snake. Then by taking a second look, you’ll see even more clearly than you did before, that it really is a snake [00:49:00] and you’ll be much more confident that you can, you know, move away and keep your distance.

But most of the things we are scared of in life are actually kind of figments of our imagination. And a little questioning can cut through a lot of illusions. So how does it work in real life? One of my clients had some overwhelming thoughts to deal with. She lost her husband and her teenage daughter, and, um, though it had been a couple years since their deaths, when when she came to me, she was still overcome by grief at times.

She chose to work. The thought I was abandoned. And, uh, I simply went down the list of questions, asked her, is it true that you were abandoned? And she answered, yes. And then I asked her, can you absolutely know it’s true? And she thought about it and said, no. Now you might think, oh, it’s obvious she wasn’t abandoned.

Right? But what I’m asking these [00:50:00] questions, and if you’re being asked the questions, we’re asking them of that. That part inside that’s believing it, that part that feels stuck, that sometimes I call a crying baby, the part that’s really believing it. So I’m asking that part. Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true?

And then we see what happens from there. This is not an intellectual exercise. These questions are involve the intellect, but they’re really asking the more emotionally based part of myself to answer the questions. I. So I continued, how do you react? What happens when you believe this thought that you were abandoned?

And she explained how she withdrew from life, how she felt sorry for herself, how she felt like a powerless victim. And I asked, who would you be without that thought? And then she inhaled and, and considered and reported that she would be more normal, more [00:51:00] peaceful, more carefree. This is a, this is a meditation.

This work is a meditation, and it takes time and space and sitting in these questions to experience them. So then we went to the turnarounds. She found three examples of how she was not abandoned. That’s one of the turnarounds. I’m not, I was not abandoned. She mentioned. All the outpouring of support from every side.

How her family had gone out of its way to include her, how letters and good wishes had come from people she didn’t even know by doing the work. She noticed how she had brushed these things aside before, like not given them much credit, discredit them, but by going back and taking a second look and seeing them again, she started to take them in.

She started to receive that love that was. Had been poured out towards her. So this is a change in perspective that starts to happen when you start playing with these [00:52:00] turnarounds. And she found other turnarounds such as I abandoned myself and this for her was even truer than they abandoned me. Um, she found that the real pain was coming from the ways she had abandoned herself.

She reports after our work together that she’s feeling much more free and that the grief is lifting now because she did the work. I have personal experience with this kind of grief work after my mom died in a plane crash 2010. Um, I spent a couple months doing the work every day and in a fairly short period of time, I.

The grief just lifted and lifted and lifted, and it came from me looking at my thoughts and turning them around, questioning them, seeing different points of view, and, and it shifted my experience. So to summarize, the mind loves [00:53:00] to take things seriously. The mind often takes one thing from the environment and blows it up into a full fledged crisis.

The work of Byron Katie is a systematic way to go back and take a second look at the thoughts that make you stressed. The first step of the work is to identify a stressful thought. Then you simply ask these four questions, turn the thought around, and there may be two or three turnarounds, and then find a few examples for each turnaround of how that turnaround could be as true or maybe even truer.

Than the original statement. So what’s the next step? There’s no better way to understand the work than to try it for yourself. It can be done in written form by yourself or with a facilitator, or even with a friend. Uh, just reading the questions to you. I encourage you to [00:54:00] get a live taste of the work by attending one of my open sessions.

These are free weekly sessions. Um, we just heard one or joining us for the work 1 0 1, which is my nine week or nine month. Uh, course I have a slow version for people that like to, that are very busy, but normally it’s a nine week course and I offer this a few times a year. So this is. It really goes into detail of how to do the work and gives you a lot of experience, um, in actually doing it.

When you start to do the work yourself, you may start to see through some of those painful illusions that, um, that cloud the mind from time to time. You may even find yourself laughing at your former stresses. This happens to me a lot. A lot of times I’ll be. Really laughing at what I’m seeing when I do the work.

Just as Jason found himself laughing when he saw the deadly rattlesnake that turned out to [00:55:00] be nothing but a rope. So, let’s, uh, end this article with a. Quote from the founder of the work of Byron Katie, Byron Katie herself, um, from her book called Loving What is, and if you haven’t read that book, loving What is, it’s a really good introduction to what the work of Byron Katie is.

So here she writes, the work is merely for questions. It’s not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It’s nothing without your answers. I. These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have, they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy and they’ll burn up Anything that isn’t true for you, they’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.[00:56:00]