Too Tired for Inner Work? Stress Management Tips for Overwhelmed Highly Sensitive People

Client: I had a question.

Todd: Sure.

Client: So I, uh, stumbled upon the work about, uh, eight months back. And, uh, [00:04:00] uh, earlier I’ve been, uh, exposed to reading a lot about, you know, these different spiritual traditions. Uh, and then even like that. Um, however, uh, when doing. I listen to a lot of, uh, you know, other people doing the work, read about it.

Uh, theoretically I get it that it’s really important, but I have a lot of resistance when I’m doing the work and I want to sit down and, you know, it’s something wants me to get up, not do something else, you know, uh, clean, clean the dishes or something like that. Something trivial becomes really important.

Um, and then unable to, um, get into a routine to do this work. Yeah. Have you seen this before with other [00:05:00] folks? And, uh, if yes, what advice do you have?

Todd: Yeah, I think to some degree it happens with all of us. Um, there, there’s a natural resistance in all of us to look what’s. What’s really going on, or to see, you know, to take responsibility for our own inner experience.

We, we just naturally want to blame it on something else or someone else, or we want to just avoid looking at it or we want to, uh, hold onto what, what we’re getting for not looking at it. Sometimes there’s kind of a payoff for not, uh, looking at. What’s going on. So it takes a certain amount of courage. In fact, I’ve heard Byron Katie herself say, you think it takes courage to go to a war and fight on the front lines of the battlefield.

You think that takes courage, come and do this work. It takes even more [00:06:00] courage to do that. Um, and, and I mean, we say that, and it is true, but what I love about the work is that it’s very gentle. It’s not, it goes how fast you want to go. Uh, you’re in control of it and you can just dip your toe in the water and be like, oh, oh wow, that’s cool, right?

Uh, and that’s enough for a week or a month. Um, or you can put more of yourself in. You can dive in deeper. You can go where you like, and the idea is. It’s the whole process is set up for listening to ourselves. So, so even in doing the work, I can be listening to myself and just seeing how far is feeling right.

And there’s no need to push myself ahead of my. Evolution. There’s no need to push past my resistance. [00:07:00] My resistance is there for a reason. My resistance is intelligent too. And so if I listen to my resistance and, and have a conversation with it, it may start to, um. Be a two-way conversation where I’m listening to it, I’m taking its concerns seriously, and it’s listening to me, and it might be open to trying a little bit as well.

And so this kind of openness or easiness in the approach to it. I find to be very, very helpful. And you know, what we tend to do as human beings is once we see something that we think is good, then we try to push it to try to get some results and, you know, make it, make it go faster. And that’s when the resistance comes even, even more.

So those are just a few thoughts, uh, in terms of resistance. I think it does happen to all of us. I know even [00:08:00] having done the work for years, there will be certain subjects or certain topic that I keep avoiding looking at. Right? Don’t quite want to look at that one. It’s a, it’s a tough one or it’s one I’m scared of or I’m afraid, um, I don’t know.

I’m afraid something won’t turn out well if I look there. So. That happens. And so I just am patient. Okay. Not that one right now. Not that one. And um, so one way to do it is just work on some small things, work on some minor day-to-day kind of, uh, things. You’ll be surprised how much, uh. Can be gained from doing the work on these little seemingly tiny things that end up showing you a lot of surprises and a lot of interesting, um, uh, insights.

[00:09:00] And then that can start to give you confidence as you learn how to, how to. Swim in the shallow waters. You can go into deeper waters, uh, as you feel comfortable, but never ahead of your ability. I would never push someone to swim in the deep water. If they don’t feel comfortable swimming, I would say, no.

Let’s play around in the shallow waters as long as you want, until you are not feeling fearful, until you’re feeling comfortable, until you’re feeling skilled. Um, so yeah, that’s, that’s for me. What helps with this, this idea of resistance. Resistance is not bad. It’s just my enthusiasm to go faster. That has to be questioned sometimes.

Um, but here’s another thing you can also do is write down the resistance. Like what? I don’t want to do this. Okay, write it down. I don’t wanna do this. Question it. You can just do the work on the resistance itself, and [00:10:00] you can often find some very interesting insights that way. And sometimes some of that resistance will change and, and, uh, become less as that’s done.

But I don’t even do it to get rid of the resistance. I just do it because it’s there and because it’s stressful. And when I’m doing the work simply in response to what shows up, that’s when I get the most out of it. When I’m doing the work to try to get somewhere or try to improve myself or try to have some experience or gain some spiritual, uh, gain, then that little bit of push.

Is what actually gets in the way of the, the innocent development. Um, the innocent opening. I like to say these inner parts are sensitive. They’re sensitive, and on that level, if you push, I. It, it closes up like a, like a Lotus Flowers closes right up. So I have to, [00:11:00] I have to be very gentle and make sure, number one, that, that my heart understands this is a safe thing.

This is, I’m not gonna push you. I’m not going to try to manipulate you with the work. I’m going to listen to you. And then after a while it starts to feel safe. The heart starts to feel like, okay, you’re you. I can trust you more. So I’ll start to. Share my vulnerable parts more and allow this work to be done on that, because I know that I’m not going to be abused by it.

I’m going to be held and I’m going to be given the chance, like I like to say, the stressful part inside of me gets to do the work and it gets to ask, uh, answer whether it’s true or not, or how it reacts and who it would be without the thought. It’s like. Allowing that stressed part, the emotional part to, to do the [00:12:00] work and not being forced from above intellectually or by any kind of, um, coercion like that.

So anyway, those, I’m just rambling here, but these are a few of the thoughts that come to mind when you say resistance, uh, in doing the work.

Yeah, and if you like, if there’s a particular resistance that comes up or you can think of a situation when you felt resistance and you want it, you want to do the work, I can facilitate you even now to do the work on the resistance if you wanted to play with that. That’s just another option.

Client: Mm-hmm.

I have not done the work on the resistance. Um, how would I go about doing it?

Todd: So think of a time when you felt some resistance. You maybe wanted to do the [00:13:00] work, but you felt the resistance. Um, can you find a specific time that you tried?

Client: Of days back.

Todd: Okay. Okay. So, um, what was the resistance? What were the, what were the thoughts connected to that feeling of resistance for you at that time?

Client: I had a long day, I should rest.

Todd: Okay. Yeah, exactly. So literally to do this work, you don’t have to think further. You just take the thought as it comes and go into the questioning. So I had a long day, I should rest. Is it true?[00:14:00]

Client: No.

Todd: Yeah. So how do you react in that moment? You’re thinking about doing the work, but the thought comes up, I had a long day, I should rest. What happens? I.

Client: I get a spike of happiness or just a pleasure spike that, uh oh, you know, I don’t need to do that.

Todd: Or I get hurt. Yeah. I got, I got out of jail free. Right? I got the, I got the pass. Yeah. Keep going. How else do you react when you think I had a long day, I should rest[00:15:00]

Client: next day? I do regret that, uh, I want to build a routine to do the work and, uh, I did not follow through.

Todd: Right. It’s interesting. There’s the spike in the moment and then there’s regret. Next day this is reaction. I had a long day, I should rest. How do you treat the work in that moment when you think you had a long day and you should rest?

Client: There’s some obstacle that just need to do it and get it over with kind of, yeah, [00:16:00] so not as an opportunity to get to know myself.

Rather another thing on my to-do list,

Todd: and the sooner you can check it off your to-do list, the better. Right. If you can skip it all together, even better. Right. That’s I feel like I do it in

Client: my mind when I’m lined.

Todd: Yeah, exactly. And so then the work doesn’t get a chance to be experienced in a. Carefree way in a, in a like with no time pressure or just in a quiet way.

It has to be rushed or, or skipped or done in the head or something. So Right. You said it was an obstacle. It’s almost like the, when I think I had a long day, I should [00:17:00] rest. The work is getting in the way of me resting. Now it’s the. Obstacle and I should get to the resting part and get over this, this doing the work idea?

Yeah.

So who would you be without the thought if you came, you wanted to do the work, but you didn’t have the thought? I had a long day. I should rest.

Client: Do the work.

Todd: And what, how do you approach the work if you’re not thinking, I had a long [00:18:00] day, I should rest. What do you see when you look at the work?

Client: There are some other obstacles that are in the way, like, and some other, uh, thoughts that this is too hard. Um, but I think those are a different form of resistances.

Todd: Yeah. So what you’re seeing here is with one layer of resistance. If that layer is gone, I [00:19:00] had a long day and I should rest. If that one isn’t there, then there’s another layer of resistance.

It’s too hard, right? So these, there may be several layers of that, uh, of thoughts that would stop you from doing what you’re drawn to do. And that’s an interesting finding. Because question four of the work is who would I be without the thought? And sometimes people get they, they think that without the thought it will just be heaven.

You know, it’ll just be nirvana. It will just be, I’ll be free in this big capital F free. And many times it’s not exactly that. It’s like, who would I be without the thought I had a long day? I should rest. I would be thinking about doing the work and then I would think about the next [00:20:00] obstacle. That’s honest, that’s truly answering this question, honest.

So, okay. So what we can say therefore is that there’s would be a little less, you would be one step closer to doing the work, but it wouldn’t mean that you’re doing the work. It means it would just be one less reason not to.

Okay, so let’s turn the thought around. You had a, you had a long day. The thought was, I had a long day. I should rest.

Client: I should not rest.

Todd: Say it again.

Client: Uh, the long day. I should not rest.

Todd: I had a long day and I should not rest. Okay. So sounds counterintuitive, sounds [00:21:00] strange, but can you make any sense of that? You’re thinking about doing the work here. Um, how could that be as good or better than resting?

Client: The long term, it’ll help me reduce suffering or reduce my own suffering.[00:22:00]

So it’s a step in that direction.

Todd: Yeah. It’s a move in the direction of resting from suffering. You know, like there’s two kinds of things that I need rest for. One is just physical. I need rest when I’ve worked a long day or I’m just. Tired physically. Then the other kind of thing I need rest for is when I’m emotionally or something stressed, like there’s a more of a real stress in there that’s not just from everyday wear and tear and, and the work can address some of those things in a way.

I could sleep and sleep and sleep and it would not necessarily address that, that need I.

[00:23:00] So it’s a different way of thinking about the work, right? Don’t let the word the work make you think it has to be work. Now I have more work to do, right? It’s a, it’s a work in, in one sense, but it’s also creating a kind of rest as a result. It’s a special kind of work that is. Undoing certain things that cause tension in a way.

So it’s a, a relieving kind of work.

Yeah. In my experience over years of doing it is it becomes almost like, uh, like taking a bath in a way. It’s still, still, you know, scrub myself a little here and there, but it’s overall. Relaxing feeling,

so I had a long day. I [00:24:00] shouldn’t rest. Any other examples for you of that turnaround?

Okay. I think we found a few there. So is there any other turnaround I had a long day. I should rest. I.

Client: Can’t think of anything.

Todd: I’ve got a possible one if you want to hear it.

Client: Sure.

Todd: I had a long day. I should do the work.

Similar to what we were just looking at, but it’s a different flavor, right? [00:25:00] The work was something, an obstacle, but maybe that’s the, the treat,

depending on how you look at it. So how could that be for you? I had a long day. I should do the work. Alright. I would like to do the work or something in that di direction.

Client: Yeah, I mean whenever I do the work, I do get in with the right attitude and, uh, you know, without trying to get something from it, I get with lot of, uh, end up getting a lot of epiphanies and, uh, I feel really good afterwards. Clears up,

Todd: isn’t that what you want rest for? So that you can feel really good afterwards?

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: So the work is a different [00:26:00] thing than lying down and just taking it easy, which is great. It’s a different way of being, but it also can have that experience of feeling great in a different way.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: So then see this is appealing to the heart or to the experience level? Not to the I should, I should do the work.

I need to make it a routine. I need to do good job. I need like, that’s like a coming from like the, I. You know, almost a religious mindset like, I should do this and make, but, and it’s, and it has its value, right? It’s a, we are both heart and mind together, but this is just appealing to the heart level a little more that, yeah, I had a long day and I’d like to do the work that that sometimes refreshes me in a special way, and that’s an option.

Instead of something I have to do. [00:27:00] And then when I think of the work, I start thinking of it as something interesting, something appealing, something that I would like to play around with, not something that I have to do. You can take anything, even a amazing thing, something you enjoy, and then tell yourself you have to do it.

You’ll eventually be like, oh, I don’t want to, I just wanna do something else. Right. You have to watch a movie every night for the rest of your life. Oh my God, I’m gonna, no, but

when it’s just an option, then Oh yeah. I think I would like to. That would be nice.

Yeah. [00:28:00] So, okay, there, we’re just playing there with some turnarounds and some ideas. Um, and then I’d love for you to, to do a little work on these thoughts. Like, I need to build a routine, you know, like, question that one. Um, uh, it’s too hard. Question that one. You know, we could even do a short version of that.

Um, right now if you want to. Um, sure. We have five minutes. What? Let’s see what we can do in five minutes. It’s the work is too hard. Is that true?

It’s a good story. So how do you react when you believe this thought? It’s too hard.

Client: Yeah, I turn the work into some big, uh,

much bigger than what it, [00:29:00] much different than what it is, um, and make it very enormous and into an obstacle or enemy.

Todd: Exactly. Suddenly it’s something that you have to really work hard at and it’s so difficult and

Client: yeah.

Todd: Are there any images that come to mind when you think it’s too hard?

Client: Yeah, I mean, like I see myself sitting with a pen, people thinking, oh, pen, stop pen.

Todd: Yeah,

Client: yeah,

Todd: exactly. Like there’s someone behind me just making me do it. I have to just, yeah. So who would you be without the thought Too hard?

Client: Yeah. Treat it as an [00:30:00] exploration

and listen to the stressful parts within myself. Allow them to be. Allow them to express themselves rather than wishing, given not there.

Todd: Sounds easier. Yeah,

so turn it around. It’s too hard. The work is too hard.

Client: Work is easy.

Todd: Okay. Gimme some examples to just to prove that side or to give some supporting evidence to that side.

Client: I’ve had few instances, uh, when I challenged few beliefs and, um, with a, with a very light mind, [00:31:00] and it worked out quite well.

Todd: Yeah. That’s your own experience, right?

Client: Hmm.

Todd: So sometimes it just. Falls into place and it’s easy. Yeah. And let’s look at what actually is the work? What is actually doing the work as opposed to what you may think it is. Like how is the actual work easier than what you think you are doing when you do the work, or you think you have to do when you’re doing the work?

Client: Yeah, actual work, uh, is more natural

that we [00:32:00] allow the stressful parts to be.

And, um. Stressful way of doing the work is kind of trying to go for an outcome and trying to wish they were not there and you know, just try to get it over with.

Todd: Exactly. When I’m trying to get an outcome, trying to get over something I’m in, we could say God’s business. Because I cannot control when the outcome will come.

I cannot control when the letting go will happen. I cannot control when it stops being stressful. I cannot control that. So I’m in God’s business and that’s impossible. Like that’s makes it very hard. I’m trying to move something over which I have no control. That’s stress and strain right there. [00:33:00] But the work is not asking us to do that.

That’s the good thing. It’s just saying, question it. Identify the thought, write it down, question it and ask yourself and see if anything comes up. And if nothing comes up, keep going. Just move on. Or, or just say, that’s good enough for today, but. It has no requirement that some breakthrough is happening, but the moment I think it should, that I should have a breakthrough, then it becomes very hard.

But that’s not the work.

So the work is not hard. But my thinking about the work that’s hard.

Client: Yes. [00:34:00]

Todd: Yeah. Trying to get an outcome is hard, but the work itself, not hard. Yeah. Like sometimes Katie says like, it’s just sitting talking with friends. Right. You don’t have to have any outcome. Just chatting, thinking interesting. Can be continued Tomorrow could be a dead end.

There’s no, um. There’s nothing important going on, but when I see it as a project, I have to push. I have to, I have to work so hard and I can’t control it anyway, so it’s frustrating. No wonder the mind resists, oh, don’t put me through that torture again.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open [00:35:00] sessions page. And there you can see the schedule, uh, that’s coming up. You can sign up. Uh, these open sessions are a. Way to be together and do the work together.

And I facilitate people every week. I answer questions every week. It’s free, it’s open to everyone, but only seven people can sign up per week. So if you’re interested, go to the work as meditation.com and check out the open session sessions page. While you’re there, I also encourage you to check out the work 1 0 1.

I mentioned at the beginning the work 1 0 2 is coming up and that is going to be a really powerful course. But the work 1 0 1 has been running for years now and it is. A really refined course on how to go deeper in the work of Byron Katie and how to do so even if you have no previous experience. I’ve had people who were very experienced in the work and people who are brand new to the work take the work one-on-one [00:36:00] course and they all have reported getting something out of it and deepening their practice of the work.

So all of this can be found at the work as meditation.com.

Next I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Alarms are supposed to be Annoying.

If these people broke into the shop that they’re looking into, an alarm would sound, it would be loud and annoying. As a shop owner, you’d be annoyed by it, and as the robber, you’d be even more annoyed by it. When I hear an alarm, like our smoke detector is going off at 2:00 AM in the morning, I want them to stop.

I don’t like them. They startle me and wake me out of a deep sleep who, I don’t like [00:37:00] alarms, who does, but annoying as they are. Alarms are just doing their job. Alarms are supposed to be annoying. They wouldn’t get our attention otherwise, and stress is the same. Stress is an internal alarm that goes off whenever I start believing something that does not match my deepest truth and feeling of love every time I hurt someone or put them down, even in my mind, I feel the alarm of stress every time I manipulate to get what I want.

I feel the alarm of stress. Every time I blame someone else for what is really my responsibility. I feel the alarm of stress. There are innumerable ways to step away from my deepest truth, and each time I do stress is there to let me know. That’s why I trust stress completely. It is pure [00:38:00] honesty. It is the opposite of denial.

Stress tells me exactly where I’m off and when I’m interested in coming back to my truth. I listen to my stress and use it as my guide to come back home. That’s what the work of Byron Katie is a way to listen to any stress alarm, a way to stop ignoring it or trying to disable it. The work gives a clear emergency checklist of what to do when the alarm sounds.

It shows exactly how I can move away from what’s not true for me and towards what is. Improve your skills of listening and responding appropriately to your internal alarm system. Take the work one-on-one course and gain a lot of experience in just nine weeks. And then there’s a quote from Byron Katie’s book, loving What Is Suffering [00:39:00] is a Natural Alarm.

Warning us that we’re attaching to a thought. When we don’t listen, we come to accept this suffering as an inevitable part. Inevitable part of life. It’s not.

So, thanks for listening, and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend. Post something on social media. Leave a review for the podcast if you haven’t done that, and stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter, uh, to participate in open sessions like the one you heard today.

And you’ll also find my courses there. The Work 1 0 1, the Work 1 0 2 Virtual Retreats. My Inquiry Circle Ongoing Practice Group, which is uh, now a real community. The Breakfast Club Private Sessions, the Living with Money course, finding the Door to Inquiry Book, and hundreds of articles that I’ve written on the work of Byron Katie over the [00:40:00] years.

All this you can find at the work as meditation.com. Till next time, thanks for listening. And have a great

week.