Trapped in a Loop? Stress Management for the Highly Sensitive Person Facing Hopeless Overwhelm

Todd: [00:00:00] Have you ever questioned your stressful thoughts about money? This is an area that is usually stressful for almost all of us, and it can be stress in terms of not having enough money in terms of being afraid of losing money or investing it poorly to the complications that arise when money is involved in different kinds of relationships.

If you’re interested in questioning these thoughts, it can be a very powerful way to open up your experience with money. It doesn’t have to be so stressful, and one of the ways you can do this is by taking my course called Living With Money. It’s an online course, do it yourself. There’s over 12 hours of video and we’re adding more.

And there are a number of exercises that you can do in written form to go through the work and go through and question your stressful thoughts about money. This course is especially good for helping you to identify [00:01:00] what are those stressful thoughts, and then allowing you to go through and actually question them.

So I encourage you to check that out at the work as meditation.com, and then go to Living with Money

Client: and where I am in a loop that is never going to change. Something like that. Like I check my emotion and then I have this thought,

like I feel sad. I feel quite sad. And then I am, I think I am in this loop that it will never change. I. Something like that. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use the work of Byron Katie, a way to question any stressful thought in any situation when you question your thoughts.

You often start to see things that you didn’t see before. Most of the time we’re focused on what we [00:02:00] believe, so we can’t actually see the reality that’s around us, which is often much easier, much better, much less stressful than what we’re thinking. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, someone does the work on the work.

We actually question a thought about a stressful thought about. Doing the work and feeling like I’m caught in a loop and it’s never gonna change. And it’s a very kind of disabling thought and feeling. So listen, as a participant in one of my open sessions, does the work on this thought, and then we have a little sharing and discussion afterwards.

And so that’s the open session part of this. Podcast. And then the last part of the podcast will be reading one of my recent newsletter articles called Making an Effort versus Taking It. As It Comes, let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. This is just a simple way to question [00:03:00] anything that you think and it can open up new ways of seeing.

The same kind of situations. So here’s our latest weekly open session, and I’m sharing as always, the unedited recording so that you can experience this just the way we did when we were together.

Client: I would like to do the work, Todd, if it’s okay. Okay. For all of you. Great. Yeah. 

Todd: Thank you. Yes. So what’s the situation for you? 

Client: The situation. It’s I’m writing down thoughts about my family and I’m sitting down in my room. So I have this thought in this situation where I am in a loop that is never going to change something like that.

Like I check my emotion and then I have this thought. Okay. Like I feel sad. I feel quite [00:04:00] sad. And then I am, I think I am in this loop that it will never change something like that. 

Todd: Got it. Got it. So you’re so just be in that moment there when you were checking with your emotion and feeling that sadness and then the thought coming.

So just be there and answer from that place as we’re doing the work. So you’re in a loop that is never going to change. Is that true?

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true that you’re in a loop that is never going to change.

So how do [00:05:00] you react? What happens when you believe this in that moment that you’re in a loop that will, that is never going to change.

Client: I feel quite depressed in that moment and it feels like I give up,

like I write my thoughts and I plan on doing the work, but I. It’s a little bit like okay, they will, this will never change anything like pessimistic.

Todd: How do you treat the work [00:06:00] in that moment when you think you’re in a loop? That is never going to change.

Client: I treat the work as something hard, difficult I treat the work as something like hide hiding from me, or something like that. Like evasive. How do I don’t know if that’s correct.

Todd: Yeah.

And how do you treat yourself when you think you’re in a loop? That is never going to change?

Client: I question my mental wellbeing. Like I, I see. I start to wonder [00:07:00] like, is this like a sickness or something? Am I okay? So I treat myself as someone trapped someone maybe sick.

Todd: Yeah.

And what are you unable to do? In that moment when you’re thinking, I’m in a loop that is never going to change.

Client: What am I unable to see? 

Todd: See or do?

Client: Okay.[00:08:00] 

I am unable to observe and be aware of all the content that is coming to my mind about the, all the stories, about the past, and about the whole content. I’m not aware in that moment, like I’m not aware that is content

Makes sense. I’m not aware to be kind to myself. Like I I’m sorry I’m not able to be kind. Yeah.

Todd: Do you see any images from the past or the future when you think you are in a loop that is never going to change?

Client: Yes. I see images of me like [00:09:00] some years ago feeling anxious and some kind of really intense emotions in my chest. Changing paths like career wise or in my relationships, and then I feel like I’m lost when I see all this. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So this is also how you react in this moment. You’re writing thoughts about your family.

Then you thought, I’m in a loop. That’s never going to change. And then the images come up a little bit from the past of times when you thought you were lost. And that’s reaction. The mind plays those images and then it, then the belief just becomes stronger and more powerful takes over.

[00:10:00] So who would you be in that same situation? When you were writing thoughts about your family and feeling that emotion, the sadness, and who would you be without the thought that you’re in a loop that is never going to change.[00:11:00] 

You see the sadness, you feel the sadness. You see that. Those thoughts now, who would you be with that sadness if you didn’t think this is a loop? That will never change.

Client: I will be, I feel more.[00:12:00] 

Like I want to know more about the sadness,

like I am more open to listening.

It feels like it’s less of a mistake to be that sad.

I don’t know if it makes sense, but 

Todd: it does. Yeah. What we’re seeing is the effect of this extra thought. I’m in a loop that’s never going to change. And when that thought is there, then it feels so [00:13:00] overwhelming and when the thought is not there, it’s a curiosity. What is this sadness? It’s not even a bad thing.

Like what? Let me look at it. So there’s more openness there. So what we can see from that is that this thought, I’m in a loop that’s never going to change, closes the mind and without it, yes, it’s more open. Yeah. It doesn’t get rid of the sadness. Sadness is still there, but I’m more open even with that sadness.

Very interesting.

So let’s, yeah, it feels like, try turning the thought around. Go ahead. Sorry. 

Client: I was going to say that with the thought, it feels like there is no hope, like it’s something evil, something like that. And without the thought, it feels like I feel more [00:14:00] human. 

Todd: Yes. That, that I’m in a loop that’s never going to change.

It’s like I’m lost forever. It’s over. Yes. I’m sitting in space forever and without it don’t know. Yeah. More human. I.

So it’s nice to see with the question three and four. We keep going back and forth with a little bit of three, a little bit of four. Seeing with the thought, without the thought, you start to see what that thought, how much it affects your experience in that moment.

That’s the power of a thought.

So let’s try turning the thought around. I’m in a loop that is never going to change. What would a turnaround be?[00:15:00] 

Client: I am not in a loop that’s a turnaround. It’s never gonna change. 

Todd: Let’s look at that turnaround and consider could there be any truth in it? Could it be as true or truer? You’re in a loop that is never going to change, even though it felt like it for a moment there. How is it possible you are not in a loop?

It never gonna change.[00:16:00] 

Client: I feel like if I compare that moment with the past, like with my previous. 

With my previous ability to hold my emotions. I think it has improved, maybe? Yeah. Okay. I think it has improved. Like I feel more space and I don’t get so caught in the drama of I am always like this, and it feels like it’s more quick that I’ve realized.

Todd: Yeah. That’s a great example. A loop means you’re going around in a circle always the same, just it is never getting out. But if there’s a change, like it’s moving out somehow, if there’s some kind of change over time, that may not be so much of a loop out statically. [00:17:00] Expanding loop and maybe it starts to fall apart. The loop goes away after it gets too far tar, far away from the center point.

So is there any other example for you? I’m not in a loop that is never going to change.

Client: I don’t know what’s going to be in the future 10 years from now, or 20 years from now. Yeah, 

Todd: that’s a really good example. We have no clue. What is going to happen in the future? We only have this moment and we imagine it’s always going to be like this loop, and it’s gonna never [00:18:00] change forever, and we have no clue.

That’s the power of a story. It’s like a story, right? I’m in a loop that’s never going to change. And we imagine that story is true, but the reality is we never know the future. I did not know 10 years ago that I would be here today doing this. I did not know, 30 years ago I would be doing anything like this.

Did not know what my emotional state would be. Who knows anything could happen that would change the experience of being in a loop.

In fact, what are some examples of things that could [00:19:00] happen that might change this experience of being in a loop?

Client: Sorry. The question was what things could happen that will change this loop? 

Todd: Yes, exactly what things could happen. ’cause we don’t know the future, but let’s just imagine what are the possibilities that something could happen and the loop [00:20:00] is gone.

Client: Maybe if I die, I dunno. 

Todd: There’s one. Yeah. The loop is gonna end at one point. I’m gonna die.

Yeah. Okay. I love it. What else could happen that would stop the loop?

Client: Maybe I have some really deep insight sometime and I. Understand like this sadness. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Or embrace it or something like that. I don’t know. 

Todd: It’s possible, right? It’s possible. Very possible. Sometimes things just insights just come and then the storm is over.

I see. It’s done. Especially when you’re doing the work and doing any kind of. Of [00:21:00] self-inquiry looking, you may find things even quicker, so you never know.

This thought is based on the idea that everything will stay the same in my mind and in my family, and. Then it will be forever, but my family will be changing. I will be changing. My thinking will be changing. My insights will be changing. It might be hard to keep the same loop going forever. I.

One of the things for loops in my experience is it’s like a feedback loop. I think something [00:22:00] sad. And then I think that’s. Never going to end. And then I feel more sad and then I again think the sad thought and then I think it’s not going to end, and I it just feeds on itself. So just doing even this piece of work today and opening to the idea that it maybe won’t go on forever, can take out one piece of the feedback.

So there’s just the whatever’s, some sadness there. But without the extra layer of it will go on forever. So we’re taking the engine off of the train. Now there’s maybe one engine before there was two engines. So it’s getting, it is losing power.[00:23:00] 

Client: Another example. It might be that someday I will break down into tears and I’ll express, because it has happened to me like when I’m really sensitive, like sometimes I just break down in tears and I feel relieved. 

Todd: Yes. Part of the loop may be. I can’t get it out somehow. So it just keeps looping and looping.

But at some point it might become too much. I can’t keep it in anymore and it has to come out and it’s enough. It shifts. Beautiful example. So these are just possibilities. We don’t know what the future will hold, but these are. Very real possibilities. Valid possibilities, and just seeing those possibilities loosens it a bit[00:24:00] 

so I’m not necessarily in a loop that is never going to change.

Thank you. Thank you.

So anybody have anything they want to share in listening to that work?

Client: Yeah, Wendy.

Client 2: So it can you hear me? Because I put on my headset. Okay. Yeah. So I immediately started thinking about the times I go here, this is again, like something is in my life. And then I start seeking, what did I do to do this again? And [00:25:00] then I’m always trying to fix that. So now I think I’ve got just a better grip on.

I’m afraid if I keep doing the same thing over and over, I get stuck in a loop. But but while you were talking I’m picturing this thing moving and then all of a sudden it’s just going off, and then I was thinking of my own. Like I have these reoccurring requirements and all of a sudden I can’t even remember what some of them are ’cause I’ve done the work on them.

So it’s like the loop is un looping. The repeats are unre repeating. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Thank you. That’s my experience too. It’s un looping and it’s just. That’s a great term. Little by little, it’s un looping. I’m imagining like a, I [00:26:00] don’t know, like two stars that are in space, close together and they’re looping with each other, like they’re caught in the gravity of each other, but then there’s some wobble there and then they start to, to fly off in different directions is the way it feels.

Client 2: That’s good. Thank you. 

Todd: Anyone else?

Like

Client 3: Doing the work at the same time? I feel am I really looping into the same things over and over again and it make me like, realize that it’s actually not looping in a way? Because to me it happens in different places, and I’m a little bit different every time that happens, like ILI feel like I learned something, even if it was one more punch or something like that.

Like I receive a little bit more. So [00:27:00] next time it happens, I’m a bit more prepared. So it’s like it’s looping, but in a way it’s not because it’s not the same. So that’s what it made me feel. 

Todd: Yeah, I can relate to that. There is an evolution that is happening even in the looping and I cannot have any experience without gaining some new knowledge, some new, it’s a new experience.

New, new. There’s more there. So the next time I come back to the same place, it’s not exactly the same place. And yeah, there’s something growing there. 

And this thought is one, it’s so easy to get caught in because it makes it into such a big job. I have to get completely out of the loop.

This is like impossible job. And then. I get [00:28:00] distracted from just doing the one piece of work here. Just one, there’s one thing to do. Maybe I’m working on my family and, but this thought comes in at oh no, don’t even bother because it’s too hard. So the mind can get, maybe almost attracted to that because then I don’t have to do my work, even though it’s more painful, but the mind can go there.

Yeah. But the thing is about pain, if it gets painful enough, that’s when I start really starting to be interested in doing my work or doing, looking a little more closely. Yeah, there’s only so much I can handle. At some point, I’ll either break down like you said, Jose and cry, and then, and that relieves, or I somehow am open enough, willing enough to [00:29:00] look at the place where I’m stuck and start to see it from a new place, new perspective and that breaks the loop.

Even if it seems to get tighter and tighter, there’s a limit. How much tight it. How tight it can get. Then it breaks out in the other direction. It’s very interesting.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard, then go to the work as meditation.com and you’ll find the page there dedicated to. Open sessions, you can read about more about what it entails, and you can sign up there to be a participant and to bring your questions and to bring your stressful situations so that we can do the work together.

And also while you’re there, I encourage you to look at private sessions. Open sessions are open to everyone. It’s for us to all share. But private sessions are where you may wanna bring different issues that you don’t want to have in a more open forum. And you’ll find another page on my [00:30:00] website, the work as meditation.com, dedicated to private sessions, and you can find my calendar there and sign up as well.

Next I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Making an Effort versus Taking It As It Comes.

As a Photographer, I made an effort to go out exploring when the light was best, making an effort versus taking it as it comes. When you first start doing the work of Byron Katie, it can be confusing, should I let go of things or make more of an effort? This is especially true when doing the work on areas where you have some control.

For example, I could do the work on the thought, I should exercise more, and I would find the turnaround. I should not exercise more when used in a balanced way. This turnaround loosens my attachment and guilt. But you [00:31:00] might also conclude that never exercising is better. In fact, never exercising may actually be better for me if exercising is stressing me.

Even just thinking about it that way can bring balance, but there’s often another side to it. The value of making an effort. There’s often a hump to get over when doing something valuable, and by valuable I mean something that has long-term value, exercising, doing the work, learning a language, et cetera.

These activities do not usually give instant gratification, like sensory activities, do eating, watching a movie, or doing something fun. Long-term value activities are more like investments. It looks like you’re giving your money away when you invest. Not as much fun as spending is. You have to make a little effort to get over the hump with these kinds of activities.

But when you [00:32:00] do, the investment of time and energy starts to pay off, and it is usually more deeply rewarding and enjoyable than the fun of immediate gratification. We call it discipline, but for those who get over the hump is actually very gratifying. So where’s the balance? If I’m too disciplined, my life can dry up while I’m waiting for long-term development.

But if I am too easygoing, I may never structure the elements of my life that could really be rewarding for me. The work helps me find balance because it clues me into my stress. Stress tells me when I’m out of balance. If I’m too far out of balance in the direction of discipline, I’ll have stressful thoughts like these.

I should do more. I have to keep going. I shouldn’t have skipped my workout, but if I’m too far out of balance in the direction of taking it as it comes, I may have stressful thoughts like these. It’s too much effort. I don’t [00:33:00] really need to exercise. I don’t have any control. Anyway, sir, what’s the point?

It’s more fun to watch tv. If I question my stressful thoughts on either side, trusting that feeling of stress to guide me, I can loosen my story on both sides what freedom looks like. Freedom is a place where I don’t have to do any discipline ever again, but I’m not opposed to doing long-term projects either.

In other words, if I do the work. I’m not going to end up just sitting around watching TV because doing anything else would be too much effort. Instead, I end up more aware of what actually interests me. If it’s tv, then I’m going to enjoy TV in a totally guilt-free way, but if it’s going and doing the work or learning a language or exercising, I’m gonna enjoy that.

It doesn’t even feel like discipline. [00:34:00] It’s actually both. I’m taking it as it comes by listening to what I want to do next, and I’m enjoying being drawn into the subtler forms of activity that are often more rewarding. Making the work a habit, just like exercise. Doing the work of Byron Katie can be very rewarding when it’s done regularly.

About four months ago, I started keeping track and doing the work every day. I’ve been very disciplined with this. Not missing one day in four months. It took a little effort at first, but now it is a part of how I live and I love it. There is a lightness in my mind and spirit that comes from this regular practice and it becomes its own reward.

I’m now over the hump and it’s easy to maintain. I. Invite you to this kind of daily practice of the work as well. You may find it as enjoyable as I do. In fact, I invite you to join my Inquiry Circle group where we do this work daily or less frequently [00:35:00] with the support of a beautiful community. I. There.

You also find the Breakfast Club, which is an extra support for those who wish to build up slowly to doing the work daily. And Byron Katie often says, do the work for breakfasts. Kind of her way of saying do the work on a daily basis. And so the Breakfast Club may help you get there, start the year off with doing the work on money.

As you may have heard, I have a course called Living with Money that I developed with my friend Grace Bell. And we have 12 hours of video in that course that you can watch, giving you lots of ideas of how to do the work on this stressful area. And if you get this in time, there are also some.

Recordings, bonus recordings, free seminars where you can bring your questions and ask anything and even do the work with us on some of the topics around money. So all this can be found at the work as [00:36:00] meditation.com. And let’s close with a quote from Byron Katie and her book, loving. What is. The fear of not being fearful is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for people beginning inquiry.

They believe that without stress, without anger, they wouldn’t act. They would just sit around with drool running down their chins. The. Whoever left the impression that peace isn’t active has never known peace the way I know it. I am entirely motivated without anger. The truth sets us free and freedom acts.