What If Your Partner Is Suffering? Inner Work for the Highly Sensitive Person Facing Emotional Overwhelm

Todd: [00:00:00] If you’re familiar with the work of Byron Katie, you know that the judge, your neighbor worksheet is one of the most powerful tools we have for identifying stressful thoughts to question. I use this worksheet all the time, and it’s probably the main way that I identify stressful thoughts to question, but sometimes it’s not clear how a stressful situation.

Could be worked using the judge, your neighbor worksheet. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like the judge your neighbor worksheet fits. I’m not sure how I could use it in a particular situation. And for this, I wrote a book called Finding a. The door to inquiry, how to find a judge your neighbor worksheet in any situation.

And so if you’re curious or would like to expound, expand your ability to write worksheets in different situations, I highly recommend this book. It’s a way to look at different situations [00:01:00] and different scenarios and find different ways of getting into a worksheet when you might not think that you could.

So if you’re interested, please go to the work as meditation.com and go to finding the door to inquiry.

Client: It’s like a weird statement, I feel like, because it’s not something that I feel like I should do, because I’m aware that there’s not much you can do about it when somebody just decides to go through something like that. But it’s more like. I feel like it’s I’m leaning towards things should be different.

Welcome 

Todd: to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use something called the work of Byron Katie, if you’ve never, I. Played with this method. It’s a way to question the stressful thoughts that are running in your mind in any particular situation.

You may think, [00:02:00] oh, the situation is stressful. The situation is stressful, and you’re focused on the situation and situation, but what’s really causing the stress are your thoughts. That are coming up in that stressful situation. If you can identify those thoughts and then question them, the same situation may be seen as not stressful at all.

I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, we will be hearing the recording from the most recent open session, and in that session someone asks about. The difference between want statements and need statements when you’re doing a judge your neighbor worksheet, there’s a line number two for wants and a line number four for needs.

And sometimes it’s like you write the same statements on both of those lines. So what to do when that happens? And then someone does the work on a very [00:03:00] interesting situation where his wife was feeling badly about her sisters getting a divorce, and so he questions the thought, my wife shouldn’t feel bad.

And then finally, I’ll read my latest newsletter, which is How has the work helped you? So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s a simple, powerful way to question what you think. And here’s the recording of our latest weekly open session. And as always, I record the unedited recording so that you can experience this work just the way we did in the session.

Client 2: I have a question. 

Todd: Yeah, Susan. 

Client 2: Okay. Just wanna make sure I wasn’t muted.

Todd: Nope, I hear 

Client: you. 

Client 2: I noticed that when I’m doing the work and I’m doing the long form of the judge, your neighbor worksheet, filling it [00:04:00] out that my wants and needs can be very similar. And so when I’m getting ready to do, the four questions on let’s say my wants, I notice and then I do that, and then I’ll go to my shoulds. Or needs I notice that, oh, this is almost similar to what I just did. How do I, do I just not repeat, but just look at it again? What do you suggest? 

Todd: Okay. Yeah, that’s a good question.

Very, a very common thing for almost all of us. Yeah, you can really just use your own judgment in terms of whether you feel like, I don’t really wanna work that again. ’cause it’s so similar to what I just worked, that I’ll just skip it. That’s certainly a way to deal with that.

The first, the want statement was, I want him to listen to me, and the need statement was, I need him to listen to me. So you could just say, okay, I already worked it with the want and I don’t really [00:05:00] need to. Work it again because of the need. It’s just very similar. Yeah I’ve done that plenty of times.

So skipping is one option. The other option is noticing there’s a slight difference between a want and a need. And sometimes that does make a difference in. The experience, like I want him to listen to me. Yeah. That, that, that is true. Do I need him to listen to me? Okay. It’s a little bit different.

It’s also true, but I might find something different when I do the different word there. And even the turnarounds might be differently, different. Instead of I want me to listen to me. Then it might turn around to, I need me to listen to me. And again, it might be so similar that you’re like, I don’t see anything new here.

But on the other hand, if you go in with an open mind, you may find that there are some nuances or differences that will come out. Yes. The other thing [00:06:00] is I have done the work on the same exact statement. Multiple times sometimes just for, just to see. Because every time I sit and do the work, it’s a new me especially if there’s been a day or two between doing when I just did it and when I’m doing the next statement.

That’s the same. It is just a meditation. I could do the same work again and say, okay, I want him to listen to me. I questioned that the other day. Today I need him to listen to me, basically the same statement, but let me go in and start afresh without worrying that I’ve done it before and see what I find.

And you can often find. The experience is slightly different. The way you answer question three might be different. The way you answer question four might be different. The way you find examples for the turnarounds might be different, and so your experience of that work may be different even though it’s basically the same statement both times.

And then [00:07:00] also another kind of third thing I can bring in is that, and I guess this is more, this is not really an answer to your question, but an additional thing to keep in mind is that if you’re noticing that your statements are the same on lines one lines. Three, four, and five, like the shoulds, the wants, the shoulds, the needs. If they seem like they’re consistently the same on all your worksheets, then you might want to look at a little more closely at the differences between those questions because there are some very interesting subtleties and differences.

We cover a lot of that in the work one-on-one. And so if you’ve taken that course, just review those notes, or if you haven’t, then take that course. But in short, like a want is like what I’m wanting. I just want it, it’s like emotionally like a tantrum. We often say, I want him to listen [00:08:00] to me.

And then the shoulds would be more like a little bit. Once I’ve gotten the wants off my chest, there’s a little more of the shoulds or advice that would get him to listen to me. What would he, what should he do? He should see what it feels like to be listened to. And he should want that for me.

And he should, you can sit with it and tease out what. Would help him to listen to me better. And those advices can be quite different than the original want of, I want him to listen to me. And then when you get to the needs it’s easy to flip back as if it was a want again.

But there’s something more to the needs than often we think about. And that is. Once they’ve done what they’ve done, like he didn’t listen to me, and it hurt me, it caused that feeling of hurt inside. So now what would I need him to do in order to reverse that hurt, in order to [00:09:00] heal that hurt, or to address that hurt that he created in me?

And so when you look at the needs from that point of view, you may often find. That there’s more than just, I need him to listen to me. It’s like I need him to to see that I, that he heard me. I need him to to let’s see what else I need him to I don’t have a very specific situation in mine, so I’m having to fumble through here, but I need him to, to see that I need him to, what would address the need? That’s what I’m looking for. What would address the hurt? He didn’t listen to me. It hurt me. I need him to see that. I feel rejected. That would help right there. I need him to, to look for how he can make me feel better.

[00:10:00] I need him to apologize. I need him to. To do whatever it is, basically make amends. So the needs are, how can they make it right for me? The wants are, I just want you to change. I want you to just start listening to me. That’s all the needs are. I want you to fix what you broke. I want you to fix what you broke.

Yeah. I want you to. Even though it’s crazy to make them responsible for my internal emotion, I believe they hurt me. So I also believe in that stress state that they could unhurt me. And so that’s what that question for the needs really focuses in on. But that’s an aside. That’s like when you’re writing the worksheet, when you’ve already written the worksheet.

You could write a few more lines on your line four just to see if you find something more that’s different than I want ’em to listen to [00:11:00] me. Or you could do what we were saying, either skip it or do it again as it was for the first time.

So that’s, does that answer your question or does that help in any way? Okay, great. Okay, so any other question or someone want to do the work, Todd? I would like to do the work. 

Client: Okay, great. 

Todd: So what’s your situation? 

Client: So situation is with my sister-in-law, it looks she’s going to go through a divorce and it looks like it’s, decisions that has already been made from her, and that brings like a lot of tension inside the house because of, my sister is really, my wife is really close to her sister, so [00:12:00] that’s like I’m leaning towards it’s like a weird statement, I feel like, because it’s not something that I feel like I should do.

Because I’m aware that there’s not much you can do about it when somebody just decides to go through something like that. But it’s more I feel like it’s I’m leaning towards things should be different or something like that. It’s but it’s hard to identify it as a, it’s something that I won and.

I don’t know why. It’s like that separation between something that I want or that should be instead it’s like going through just like a fact or something like that, which is, feels weird. 

Todd: So what specifically should be different? Let’s just get things should be different. We could question that, but it’s so general, it’s hard to get a feel for it.

So what specifically should be different? What? What do you think?

Client: I think maybe how [00:13:00] my wife feels about it, like I feel like she shouldn’t feel bad because she hasn’t done anything wrong. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay

Todd: So your wife shouldn’t feel bad. Is that true?

Yeah. And can you absolutely know it’s true. She shouldn’t feel bad about her sister’s divorce.

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think she shouldn’t feel bad?

Client: I immediately feel bad for her. [00:14:00] Like it’s I. She’s doing a lot of good things, so there’s a frustration factor in it. ’cause she’s trying to help her and like support and doing all the those things and then she goes through that. So that makes me feel like frustrated, like powerless because I can’t do anything about it.

The more you say it’s like a deeper hole that you dig into or something like that, it doesn’t feel like you helped the situation at all.

It feels weird and uncomfortable, like in a weird position. Like it feels like if you’re in your comfort zone in a way, and then you’re like taking out of it by a situation that is not even yours. So it feels like that shouldn’t be happening.

And then I start going back to things that [00:15:00] happened in the past and like the way things should be handled and like that we should put like walls in relationships, to stay away from it and not get that hurt kind of thing. And I can see it like happening again. She getting disappointed and.

And going through pain because of other people. So

Todd: how do you treat your wife when you think she shouldn’t feel bad?

Client: I treat her as, it’s confusing ’cause I, it feels like I try to figure it out if I should just act normal, like nothing happened to make her feel better or if I should feel bad for her and give her that kind of feeling that, oh, poor you, or [00:16:00] something like that. So it’s mixed and it’s hard to identify like.

I just do it as it comes. Like I don’t even think about how I do it. It just comes out. Yeah. 

Todd: And whose business are you in when you think she shouldn’t feel bad? 

Client: 100% on hers.

1000% I would say. Yeah.

Todd: So who would you be without the thought that she shouldn’t feel bad

Client: without the thought? I would just [00:17:00] be there like trying not to be a factor at all. But just providing support.

It’s funny ’cause I immediately went back a little bit to how I feel with the thought and then I realized that I’m like trying to make her feel better by giving her advice or something. That she could be doing to improve the situation, but obviously I’m making it worse. So without it, I’m just being there and providing support.

That’s like a lot more helpful than trying, while the feeling is there so fresh, trying to make it different

and that feels a lot better for me. For sure. Interesting. There’s less pressure for me to try to make her feel better. That’s the, that’s what I’m feeling. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. [00:18:00] From that you can see that the, trying to make her feel better is how you react when you think she shouldn’t feel bad’s.

Who are you trying to make feel better by giving advice and every, it’s like there’s this desire to.

Make it go away. So she shouldn’t feel bad without that thought. Totally different. Just there being there.

So how would you turn the thought around? She shouldn’t feel bad. 

Client: First obvious one would be she should feel bad. 

Todd: Okay, so why is it understandable that she would feel bad when her sister’s getting divorced like this?

Client: It’s her sister and they’re very close, so it’s totally [00:19:00] normal to feel that way and feel for her and what she’s going through. So that makes sense.

The other one will be because we don’t choose that. Like it’s not that we choose, oh, I’m gonna feel bad for this and not for that, or something like that. It just happens and you just go through it. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Good point. 

Todd: It should feel bad. It’s understandable that she would feel bad.

It’s like when someone dies, you feel bad sometimes. Yeah. And we expect it. It’s a loss.

Client: Yeah. And she cares for a lot of people. So it’s normal that she feels bad. Yeah. 

Todd: Interesting. Eh, that the I. [00:20:00] Feeling bad in a way is just showing her caring, right? If she just didn’t care, she might not feel bad. But she also doesn’t care, 

Client: that’ll be abandon in itself might be worse.

Yeah. 

Todd: It’s understanding. I, it just, it feels like understanding this turnaround brings a lot of understanding. She should feel bad. She should feel bad.

So is there another turnaround? She shouldn’t feel bad. 

Client: The one I’m seeing is I shouldn’t feel bad because she feels bad. Exactly. I shouldn’t feel bad just because she feels bad. And that makes sense too. Like total sense in terms of keeping the balance in the [00:21:00] house. If she’s down a little bit, that should be on the opposite side.

Almost like to balance it out a little bit for her kids and the house itself. 

Todd: And for her.

Client: Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. If we both go down, then we lose that balance and that’s not good. 

Todd: It’s interesting because I can see the connection, the similarity. She’s feeling bad about her sister and you’re feeling bad about her, so you’re both doing the same thing, right?

So at least I shouldn’t feel bad if I can, if I have the option because. It’s, I’m just doing the same thing. And now we have two of us that are feeling bad. So how could you not feel bad? That’s the next question. How could you not [00:22:00] feel bad even when she’s suffering? I.

Client: I think by understanding what she feels and letting her express those feelings instead of trying to switch it for her or trying to make them, make her hide them or something. Yeah. 

Todd: It’s like giving her that safe space where she can just express and be sad, be angry, and not getting fixed, not getting changed and getting disregarded.

Yeah.

Client: Wow. That’s true. That’s safe place. 

Todd: Yeah. What makes safe place is not when people are not trying to change me.[00:23:00] 

Even if they have wanted to change me into feeling better, it feels like they wanna change me so I don’t feel safe. 

Client: It’s still something, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. So again, it goes back to that turnaround. She should feel bad ’cause that’s what she needs. She needs to. She needs to grieve, she needs to cry, she needs to be angry.

She needs to, whatever the emotions are, that is the process of healing.

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: But I shouldn’t feel bad that she does that because I haven’t done anything wrong. 

Client: And then you don’t know the situation very well, it could be better for her that she’s going through that right now and not something worse later on. So you never know. 

Todd: If you push it down, [00:24:00] then she might be feeling, you think, oh, she’s doing great again, quickly. Later it really hits her because it had time to get worse inside and then erupts like a volcano.

So maybe feeling bad is the best medicine for her, just to get that bad feeling out so she can then later move on freely. And then I think we touched on it a little bit, but let’s look at it more formally. I shouldn’t feel bad about myself.

Client: Right. Just because what we just talked about. I haven’t done anything wrong, that’s the main thing, right? So there shouldn’t be any reasons for me to feel bad about myself, right?

I can’t control what other people do, so I shouldn’t put that weight on [00:25:00] my shoulders either, 

Todd: right?

It comes with good intentions. I don’t want her to suffer. I. But in the reality, it’s not my job to make someone not suffer. We all have to hold our own selves with that. That’s the only option.

But if I’m suffering, then I do need, then I, yeah. Then I have to look at my own suffering and what am I doing? Is there anything I could be. Seeing differently. That would not make it so much suffering. I shouldn’t feel bad.

Client: Yeah. It makes you think because you jump into the train of trying to come up with things that you could’ve done [00:26:00] better, so that didn’t happen, or things like that. There’s no way you could change anyway yeah.

Yeah.

Todd: And can you handle it if she feels bad?

Client: Yeah. Like without the thought of feeling that the guilt I. Some of that part, like I had something to do with it or I could have done something better. Like I can just be there for her. That’s it. She doesn’t need anything else. That’s exactly what she needs. Somebody there. That’s it. Like I don’t even have to talk or nothing.

Just let her express herself and that’s it. That’s beautiful. 

Todd: Yeah. That’s really support really. Love. That’s beautiful. [00:27:00] It’s like the way we are with kids when they’re crying, they feel bad, but we don’t have to feel bad with them. We just, and we don’t have to change them. We just are there with them while they go through their, what they’re crying or what they have, whatever’s going on.

But it, there’s nothing like being. Nothing like having somebody, if I’m going through some emotion and somebody is just there for me, without saying anything, without trying to change me, without trying to do my work for me to try to find the turnarounds for me, nothing. They’re not trying to do anything.

They’re just there for me. I feel so safe. I feel so loved. I feel so, yeah. Good. And then. I know I will work it out. Like I have a support team. 

Client: That’s [00:28:00] great. A lot of things I, I can do with my kids too, in terms of being there like that way. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: It gets complicated when I think I’m responsible for how someone else feels or if I think I should help them change, or I should help them feel better. Now I’m in their business and it’s not a place where I have, I don’t, I cannot really do much there.

I don’t have much control there, so it feels powerless. And it can be frustrating. And then on top of it, it’s frustrating for them because they don’t need us in their business either. So yeah, when I just come back to myself and trust that they will work it out and I’m here, whatever you need, then. It feels calm again for me, and then often for them as well.

Thank you. [00:29:00] That’s great. Yeah. Thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we’ve heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then to the open sessions page. There you can see the schedule of open sessions coming up. You can sign the release form if you want to participate, and you can bring your questions, bring your own situations to work, and I’ll be happy to meet you there.

Also, while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to look at the work 1 0 1. This is my in-depth course. It’s a 45 lesson course designed to take you deeper into the practice of the work, and you can’t just do it in a day. So it’s something that I. If you go through the course, it will begin to structure a practice for you of doing the work, and that was how it was designed so that you do a [00:30:00] little bit of work every day and over time you start having a habit of doing the work.

So go to the work as meditation.com and then click on the work 1 0 1.

Next I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called How Has the Work Helped You?

We spend a lot of time cultivating, but what are the fruits of our labor? How has the work helped you? I have been doing the work of Byron Katie regularly since 2007, and I have been facilitating others for as long. Here are a few benefits I’ve noticed in myself and in others over the years from this practice.

Number one is better relationships with partners, with parents, with children, with coworkers, relationships of all kinds. I would say relationships. Working through [00:31:00] relationships with the work of Byron Katie is one of its strongest points, and I’ve personally experienced major transformation in my relationship and not just my main relationship, but in lots of relationships.

Okay. What else have you noticed? I’ve noticed a feeling of less neediness in different situations. Feeling more like myself, more feet on the ground, more integrated is a word I often use. I’ve always been interested in, in. Depth and spirituality and the work has brought me into the world and made me feel more at home in the world.

More confidence is the result of doing the work and my experience better able to stand up for oneself. That’s also been my experience. You would think some people have a fear that the work is gonna turn you [00:32:00] into a doormat and you’re just going to say, oh, whatever is happening is fine. But that’s not been my experience.

I’m more clear and able to say what I mean than I ever was before. Moving through grief more quickly is another great benefit of the work. Better relationship with money is another benefit. Less fear, less need to control everything in order to feel safe. That’s a big one, right? So more loving what is quicker to recover from emotional trauma.

These can be little traumas that happen every day, or bigger traumas from the past. More accepting of one’s own personality and limitations. Yeah, like not trying to be. More than I am. That seems to be a direct result of doing the work more, more [00:33:00] satisfaction with the way I am, and that means more peace, more courage to face health issues and to face even the idea of death.

Just less fear in general, less obsessiveness. I found that to be a nice change, less obsessive able to see a bigger picture. The work works on that. Every time you do the work, you’re looking from different angles and you really start to expand your mind more calmness, less worry, more patience, relief from PTSD.

I’ve done work with clients that were strongly affected by PTSD, and I’ve watched. Changes in the way they experience that. Just watching the stress fall away as they reframe that experience. Freedom from addictive behaviors. I’ve worked with [00:34:00] addictions with clients, with my own types of addictions, and I’ve watched those become less and less.

Greater ability to receive negative feedback. That’s a big one for me and I think for a lot of people. And it’s something that becomes less of a big deal somehow through doing the work. Greater ability to receive compliments. That’s another one. Like I could never receive a compliment, but I’m much better at it today.

And I noticed that with others. I hear that from others as well. Better able to ask oneself what one wants better able to communicate what one wants to others. Better able to say no more creativity, more fun, more optimism. In a way, the work is the optimist’s friend. We’re always looking for a way to see whatever the situation is in a more optimistic light.[00:35:00] 

So these are just a few ideas, few things I’ve noticed myself, and again, working with clients over the years and I would love to add to that list. So what have you noticed? I’d love to hear your list of how the work has helped you. And let’s end with a quote from Byron Katie, the founder of the work, and it’s from her book, loving.

What is Inquiry is more than a technique. It brings to life from deep within us, an innate aspect of our being. When practice for a while, inquiry takes on its own life within you. It appears whenever thoughts appear as their balance and mate. This internal partnership leaves you free to live as a kind, fluid, fearless, amused listener, a student of yourself and a friend who can be trusted not to resent, [00:36:00] criticize, or hold a grudge.