What to Do When Inner Work Triggers Deep Emotional History: Stress Management for Navigating Overwhelm

Todd: [00:00:00] In today’s recording, you’ll hear a participant asking about what happens when you get overwhelmed when doing the work. Sometimes the emotions start coming in, the images start coming in. The whole relationship with somebody starts to come in when you just started working on of small situation. And one of the things I suggested in addition to some other interesting ideas is that you can work with a facilitator and a facilitator can hold you, can be a grounding influence for you as you’re working through this and as you’re starting to see all of this stuff come in.

And so if you’re interested in doing that, I offer private. Sessions, and you’ll find that at the work as meditation.com. Under private sessions,

Client: keep looking at things. They just don’t follow directions. And some of the questions they’ve had are in the [00:01:00] instructions, so they don’t read the instructions, they don’t follow directions. And so I’m. It’s I can’t. I told him no. I just flat out said, this isn’t gonna work. I’m not gonna do your class.

The answer’s no. But I’m not feeling the peacefulness that I felt the last time I said, no. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room. A podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use the work of Byron Katie. If you haven’t heard of this process, it’s a way of asking yourself four questions and then finding turnarounds and finding examples for those turnarounds.

It’s a very simple process, but it is very connected to. The experience and we start always with stress. So it’s very real for us. And when you start to go through these questions and start to turn things around in a very gentle way, your whole experience can change. [00:02:00] I’m Todd Smith and on the program today we have a question from a participant in the most recent open session, and she asks about.

What to do when you get overwhelmed with a lot of stress coming in, a lot of relationship issues from the past coming in on a particular stressful situation. So you start out doing the work on one thing and then it opens up Pandora’s box. We’ll get into that. And then after that there is a very interesting inquiry on I need to have a why in order to say no.

And the beginning of this inquiry seems a little kind of not sure where it’s gonna go. It’s a lot of. Of feeling around to figure out where’s the stress coming from. But eventually we landed on this thought and went through it, and it starts to get very interesting as we go into the [00:03:00] inquiry and get towards the end of the session.

And then finally, I’ll be reading my most recent newsletter called Let Your Emotional Part Answer the Questions. So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s a simple, powerful way to question what you think, and here is our latest weekly open session. As always, I record these and give you the unedited recording so that you can be there with us just the way it happened and you can experience it the way we experienced it.

Client: I thought Susan had a question, if you wanted to take care of that one first. Sure. Yeah. Go for it.

Client 2: I guess my question would be I was working on a worksheet Tuesday and it was about, it’s about my brother and there’s a lot of history. We have [00:04:00] unresolved history over the years and the stuff just kept coming up. And it was just too intense for me. It’s just woo boy.

It was just really. Heavy. And I haven’t looked at, I wanna get it done today so I can work on my next worksheet. But yeah, I had to step away from it a couple days and yeah. So I’ll probably do some worksheets maybe on the other little things that I don’t know. It’s just a very ang entangled all this stuff.

So to tease it out and to be able to look at it. 

Yeah. 

Client 2: So I, I don’t know, sometimes, it’s a step away or what you would suggest. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s, something that happens to all of us, I know it’s happened to me. And it’s a matter of how much can I process? At a time. And [00:05:00] if I’m feeling very energetic and open and enthusiastic about it, I may be able to process a whole ton of stuff.

The, all those intricacies may not be overwhelming for me, but then there are other times when I’m not as just not like my bandwidth is less, or it’s something I have not looked at. Ever. And there’s a lot there, and suddenly it all comes cascading down on top of me. It can definitely feel overwhelming.

So what I like to do is to pay attention to my capacity, right? If I’m capable of doing more, I can do more. If I’m not, then let me honor that and back away and just do what I can do. Some of these. Relationship stories, relationship histories that we have with different family members that have been going on for [00:06:00] decades, and they’re very involved.

They’ve got lots of memories and lots of interactions over many years that make it complex and and can feel heavy. When I’m working with that kind of relationship the way I tend to do it is let’s get really minuscule and just focus on, as, just focus on this one interaction as much as I can, like the, to keep it micro-focused.

’cause the mind will want to go out to the whole relationship and how. Maybe stressful it is. So I’d say those two things are the things that help the most for me. One is if it’s too much, just take a full break. Okay, I’m not gonna work on that subject now for a few days or longer until I feel grounded again.

And I’m able to go in and take a look again. [00:07:00] Or the other way is, let’s just keep it specific that I’m just dealing with a piece of it, even though I know there’s a lot more, but I’m just dealing with that piece and that’s manageable. I can do the work on, do the little turnarounds on that little tiny piece of.

Experience without getting drowned by all the other things connected to it. But it takes a little discipline because those, this little minor incident does have strings to all of these other things too. And naturally you are going to look there as well. So maybe it’s practical, maybe it’s not practical, but in whatever degree you can.

See if you can keep it in that little small world and then the next time, do another small world like you were. You can just note down, okay, I’m working on this moment, and then it reminds me of something else. Oh gosh, that was a big one. I just note it [00:08:00] down like Byron Katie up says, use the sidebar just tight.

Just write in the side notes what the next stressful thought would be. And that will be for future work, but I can. Save that for later and just stay with the little small piece right here. And that’s one way of being aware of the big picture without getting overwhelmed by it. But at any point, if it becomes too much, then then I just give it a break.

Come back with fresh eyes tomorrow. Come back with fresh eyes in a week or in a few months or whenever I want to. The other thing that can also help is work it with somebody else. Work with a facilitator who can hold you in it can keep you. Grounded while you’re doing your work. Tho those are also supports that can help with it.

But it’s normal. Like we’re opening Pandora’s box. That’s what we’re doing here. We’re saying, okay, what’s inside there? And it’s oh my God. That’s what I’ve been stuffing down and [00:09:00] trying not to look at and pushing away for my whole life. And to do that is a very courageous act. But I have to make sure that I have some ability to deal with what’s coming out of that in order to handle it beautifully.

The work and the more experienced you’re in the work, the more this is true. The work is a way to go into any place. Just you can go into the deepest, darkest place inside. And this work will. Show you the way it just says, look where the darkest part is. Turn it around and there’s the lighter part.

It was, it’s like a compass in a dark place. So I’ve come to trust it empirically that I can. I can go into anything and I will be able to sort it out and become clearer and find some resolution and some peace. But in the beginning you may not know that. You may not have enough experience with that to trust that.

And it’s oh my [00:10:00] God. So yeah, be gentle with yourself. The idea is not to make yourself more stressed, but to work on bits that you can digest one by one and. And then bit by bit. The whole thing does get digested. It’s possible.

Yeah, you’re welcome. Okay, so anyone else have a question or wanna do the work? 

Client: Yeah, so I’m glad that you asked that question because. It set me up now for a stronger way of looking at what I, what’s going on. I did, someone did call someone who’s, who knows not to ask me for anything, ask me, and and I just said no.

And then I went on with a conversation as if it was just like not a deal or anything. And I realized afterwards that I didn’t react to it. And then I had someone who contacted me saying they needed a class and nobody else, they couldn’t get into [00:11:00] another class. After talking with them for a while, I had the feeling that they weren’t really qualified to do what it is.

I would be training them and authorizing them to do, and even if they somehow passed my class, I don’t think that they would do the job the way I would be teaching them to. And I don’t have any, anything other than a feeling about that. But the they tried, they scheduled the class, I agreed to do it tomorrow and the next day, a two day class.

And they have not, they haven’t confirmed, they haven’t paid, but they’re still contacting me about the logistics, arrive at this time, arrive at that time. And technically I think that means that it’s. Somewhat confirmed, but they haven’t signed a contract. And so I’m not comfortable going ahead with this class, with these guys.

And as I keep looking at things, they just don’t follow directions. And some of the questions they’ve had are in the instructions. [00:12:00] So they don’t read the instructions, they don’t follow directions. And so I’m, it’s like. I can’t, I told them no. I just flat out said, this isn’t gonna work. I’m not gonna do your class.

The answer’s no. But I’m not feeling the peacefulness that I felt the last time I said no. And it’s not because I want to do their class, because I don’t, it’s more about, I’ve, I don’t wanna get into a place where I’m saying yes and then saying no over and over again. I, it makes me feel like I, I am breaking my word.

It, it’s like. How do I just get to the No, without, because it’s already there before I say yes. The yes is just habit. Let’s fit everybody in. How many people? Yeah. Let’s go ahead and and I’m in my head, oh, instead of 20, I’ll have 30 or 40, 150 people in the class.

And that’s a different class. But it’s like I don’t, I am, [00:13:00] I don’t know why, for some reason, I guess here’s my statement. Seemed to have trouble. I. Defining my boundaries in the moment when someone says, can we do this? I have no boundaries. We can do anything. And then when it comes time to actually doing it they astonish me with how much they can fit into that.

Yes.

I wanna def, I wanna be able to define my boundaries and it feels like right now I can’t define them. And I should be able to define my B. I’ve been doing this for 40 years. I should be able to define my boundaries by now.

Okay. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. I should be able to define my boundaries as one way we could work it, or I have trouble defining my boundaries. Or it seems like I can’t, it feels closest to you in terms of 

Client: It feels like at the time I can’t 

Todd: define my boundaries. Yeah. When 

Client: I’m picturing, if someone says, can we do this [00:14:00] class, or whatever I’m picturing yeah.

Certainly it can be done. I’m not thinking in terms of limitations or. And then the next question is, where is it? When is it, how many people do you have? All the logistics. I have another company that actually does all of that so that they can tell them, these are what you need.

But if they call me directly and I, and I just send them over there and tell ’em, yeah, we can do all this. That’s one. But the, but tie that in with. I know I have a lot of students that probably have taken my class past my class and then gone out there and done the job their way instead of the way they’re supposed to.

But for some reason, this one right now feels like a turning point to look at. So there’s something inside my telling ’em no. Then finally being talked into it, agreeing and maybe that’s it, that I was talked into it. Was I talked into it, there’s all these hidden little places I could go with it [00:15:00] and maybe I don’t even need to do the work.

Do you this point what I need to be working on.

Todd: Why do you feel unsettled, not peaceful about saying no in this particular case? What is it about this that makes you feel not peaceful? 

I,

Client: I spent a lot of time helping him find an answer to something that he needed. When he finally read what it was he was trying to get, that he had misinterpreted it so badly that a lot of time was spent doing that. I don’t. I think that he may have some I know I, I’m not qualified to diagnose anybody, I think he’s not [00:16:00] able to comprehend or understand things.

Even though he’d been in business for a long time, he may not be thinking right anymore. I guess I’m trying to avoid saying it’s, he may have dementia or something and I don’t wanna put someone I don’t wanna be responsible for that, and yet I don’t, I don’t want him to not get the work done, but I don’t think I can deal with him.

He doesn’t understand basic things. 

Todd: I don’t, so that’s fine. But why is that no different unsettling to you? Yeah. That sounds like a clear No, but there’s something unsettling about it. And I heard you say earlier why I don’t wanna be in know system. I don’t wanna break my word. 

Client: Yeah. Is there’s something in there.

I don’t know why I do not wanna do this man’s class. Like I have a bad feeling about doing his class. I don’t know why I don’t have. I don’t have any, I’m, what I [00:17:00] was just doing, struggling with some concept that made, strike me as, oh, that’s it. But I don’t know why, but I just, it’s like strong feeling, no, I do not wanna do this man’s class and I don’t know anything about him.

He’s as stranger to me as all my other people that come to me that I’ve never met. I don’t know. 

Todd: So you need to know why you have a no for him. 

Oh,

Todd: is that true? 

Client: Apparently.

Apparently. I, apparently, I think I do.

Todd: Seems to be, yeah. So then you absolutely know it’s true that you need to know why you have this.

Client: No. That was helpful. No. 

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you think you need to know why? [00:18:00] In order to say no. 

Client: Have you been here the last five minutes? That’s how 

Todd: you react.

Yeah.

Clear enough, right? 

Client: Like that. Pictures of him doing something and killing everybody and me. It’s just all kinds of stuff, right? Yeah. 

Todd: And take it the moment, as you’ve already said. No, but you feel, I don’t know what the word is. You said not peaceful, 

Client: right? I said no to him originally. He talked me into a yes, and now I just canceled him.

And class is supposed.

Todd: Yeah. Okay so 

Client: yeah, 

Todd: I need to know why in order to say no to him. How do you react when you think you need to have a [00:19:00] why and you don’t have one? 

Client: I think that I look for reasons like, okay, he hasn’t signed the contract, which is a bonafide reason. I don’t have any document that says it, and I give it to him and he says, there’s no, nothing says I have to pay.

Then I gave him a free class. So that’s definitely a reason, but that was like a bonus. I was just searching for a reason. So how do I react when I believe that I have to have a why, of why I’ve canceled this and why I don’t wanna do this.

I think about all the times that I’ve gotten myself into situations that I wanted to say no to and didn’t. So I go back to, oh no, I’m falling back into the old ways again. I’m con I concern myself about people taking my No seriously. And then I actually go to that place that, I’ve worked with a lot of women who have.

Given in on dates and or something where they’ve agreed to do things that they [00:20:00] didn’t want to ’cause they were pressured to. And it’s, I look at, I’ve worked with them to help ’em through that. At the same time, I’ve always looked at myself as being, as having a strong no, like when I say, no, that’s it, but that apparently wasn’t the case here.

And it’s not anything that’s causing me any damage physically or emotionally, but. As far as the activity, but I saw how I could have a hard time saying no, and I guess that makes me feel more vulnerable, that my no would not be taken as no.

Todd: Yeah. So when you need to have a why to say no, what I’m hearing is that you’re. Unable to stand in your No. 

Client: Yeah, like it’s not enough. My, my no. Has to have a reason behind it, but 

the [00:21:00] validate. So who 

Todd: would you be without that thought? Who would you be without the thought that need to have a why?

You need to have a validation for your No. In this situation, when you’ve now said no again.

Based on a feeling only 

Client: without the thought, I’d just be, no.

And I’m in. You feel? No, without the thought. I would just be, oh, look at me. I came close to saying yes that time. Ha. But it’s a no. 

Todd: Yeah. So when I think I have to have a why, then my no, based on a feeling is not good enough and I doubt it, and I don’t feel comfortable. If I don’t think, if I don’t have the thought, I need to have a why in order to say no.[00:22:00] 

I just trust it. That’s no coming from inside and don’t know why. 

Client: But it, and I don’t have to know why. It’s just a no. And then, and that part of me that’s saying no, it’s been it’s been right.

Yeah. Yeah. 

Todd: So turn the thought around. I need to have a why in order to say no, 

Client: I don’t need a why. In order to say no, I can just say no. I don’t even have to have a bad feeling about it. So 

Todd: look at this.

So look at the specifics of this situation. Why is not having a why a valid way of saying no. Why is it okay? 

Client: I have the authority to say no,

and I I give myself authority to say no. And that’s it,

Todd: yeah. [00:23:00] What does a why do? Why is just giving something else? Authority, a reason, giving some reason to be the authority. But this is saying I’m not needing any outside authority. I just, it’s just a no, because I feel that it’s a no.

Then that’s all, it’s full responsibility as opposed to looking as opposed to justification, basically.

Client: I also noticed. Looking at it from the difference of just a no and if necessary, another. No. That by saying no, and then yes, and then no.

I question my own validity, my own authority. So now with authority of a no. Huh? I don’t need that re I don’t need a reason or a why. Now I’m feeling it. Cool. Not just saying it. ’cause it sounds right now I’m feeling it. Okay. 

Todd: Yeah. [00:24:00] 

Client: Okay. 

Todd: And even that quote unquote inconsistency can be seen in a different light as well.

It’s like I said, no, ’cause it was a feeling or whatever, and then they talked me into it. So I said yes, and I’m open-minded. So there’s a, I’m testing that. No, and then I was open-minded for a while and then I’m starting to see that’s really not the direction that I was it’s confirming actually.

That my original no was right, and so now I’m going back to it’s a no. But wow, inconsist, we worry so much about inconsistency and breaking my word and all that, but this is the process of self-discovery. I’d say yes. No, it’s a, ah, what is it? Is it? Oh, alright. No, it’s a no. But in the meanwhile, meantime, everybody’s like wondering, what, are you crazy or something?

You keep reminding, no, I’m not crazy. I’m listening to myself. You 

Client: keep reminding me that this is a process, a discovery. Thank you. Yes. 

Todd: [00:25:00] Yeah, I didn’t, I don’t have to just know what the answer is on the first 

Client: page. I was pretty excited to be able to say no.

Todd: Exactly, especially in the face of other people who want something from me, that’s the hardest time to be clear about what is my no and so of course it’s gonna fluctuate. 

Client: And this note, of course, I’m gonna be 

Todd: inconsistent 

Client: first. The first no, that I said was to my little sister, and that was a no because she was asking me for something and then it went away.

She just stopped asking, and that’s fine. In this case, I would’ve gotten paid a lot of money. So part of my going back to a no was also overcoming the benefit of the yes. Even though it wavered, there was a big benefit in that. And then my no got strong enough to overcome even the money for it.

Todd: That’s a huge, that’s a huge inner strength when no is strong enough when my no, which [00:26:00] flies in the face of making more money and getting their approval and who knows what else. Like those are two major pulls for me to not listen to myself because I’m gonna get some payoff there. But when I’m listening to myself strongly enough that no.

Comes back and I actually say no to those great benefits that I would’ve gotten. 

Client: I don’t feel like I’m losing them anymore. I feel like I, I don’t feel like there’s a loss at this point, as the no becomes just a no with no, 

because you 

Client: doesn’t need to be qualified. 

Todd: It’s just no. 

Client: And then 

Todd: You’ve gained something greater than any of that.

Yeah. ’cause you’ve gained a strength and ability to listen to yourself, which is 

Client: and the normal hard 

Todd: to come by. 

Client: The normal, what you just said. That the normal whatever triggers that usually get me to say yes are stronger now. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Wow. [00:27:00] That’s like a, it’s like a cause of celebrate for celebration, right?

It’s oh my gosh. I said no, even in that situation. Wow. Let me celebrate that. 

Client: So my other turnaround is I don’t need a reason or I need, what was it? I need a reason. 

Todd: The statement was, I need to have a why to say no. 

Client: Okay. So I don’t, I. I don’t need 

Todd: or a reason. I need to 

Client: have a why.

I don’t need to have a why to say yes as well, even though that’s a double negative. It’s appropriate, right? I can just say yes for no reason. Not to him, but 

Todd: yes for no reason. No for no reason. Yeah. Yeah. And you can change your mind as many times in that process. That’s 

Client: right. I can.

Todd: That’s freedom.

Yeah. 

Todd: So I don’t have to, the why is just [00:28:00] playing the same game of almost trying to please them or make it understandable for them, or have some kind of backup for myself instead of just really sitting and standing in. This is my truth. I’m It’s a no. Don’t know why, but it’s a no. Oh no. It’s a yes. Oh, great.

It’s a yes. Oh, no. Nope. Sorry. It’s a no. Oh 

Client: no. 

Todd: That’s freedom. 

Client: Yeah, I like that. 

Todd: The only thing that can take that freedom away is the thought, like this, I need to have a why, and then I can’t trust that as being just my integrity speaking. 

Client: Wow.

You know what, that clears up half my mind stuff because when, let’s say I drive a lot for work, and most of the time there’s traffic. And half the time when I’m in traffic, I’m thinking of different ways that I, you know I don’t wanna keep using [00:29:00] traffic as excuse if I’m running late.

Sometimes, like day before yesterday, there’s an hour and a half delay on the freeway. They got six car pile up on the freeway. In that case, I don’t sit there trying to think of an excuse but there’s always a why, that someone’s expecting the why, so I should be ready with a good one.

But now I don’t feel that I’m feeling that just disappear now. It’s just like I can, I could just 

Todd: Why is to please other people? Yeah. Like why is to give some other people something that will satisfy them, but it’s not really needed. Once you get really in touch with this is just a reality.

Got stuck in traffic. Exactly. This is just a reality. I changed my mind. It’s a no. 

Client: It’s funny too because I’m not usually late, 

Todd: so you go from trying to. I go from trying to justify what’s what I’m doing to just reporting the news. 

Client: Okay. Stock and traffic. I know. Preparing myself for [00:30:00] no what for them to ask.

And most of the time they don’t even ask. And then most of the time, I’m not even late, but Right. It’s like this whole game that we do with their minds. Oh, I love it. Thank you. I apologize for taking this, going over. 

Yeah. 

Todd: No, it’s a great subject, really great subject. Saying no is one of the hardest things for some of us to do.

And it requires listening to myself above listening to other people and putting that as a priority, putting my own feeling as a priority over, all the other reasons why I should say yes. So thank you for that. Thank you for modeling that. Really 

Client: thanks for working it with me. 

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open [00:31:00] sessions page and you’ll find the schedule there.

You’ll be able to see how to get started, how to sign the release form and participate. And once you do that, then you’ll have access to the schedule and you can join us whenever the schedule works for you. While you’re there at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to look at the work 1 0 1.

This is my nine week course for going deeper into the work and it’s a way of starting to build a practice of doing the work. So if you’re interested in getting into some of the nuances of this practice and making it something that is a part of your life, then I encourage you to take this course.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called, let your Emotional Part Answer the Questions,

the Emotions that want to be expressed through [00:32:00] Graffiti. Don’t want to listen to rational thoughts like you shouldn’t do that. Let your emotional part answer the questions. Emotions and rational thought often don’t see eye to eye. Emotions are valid in their own right, and rational thinking is valid too, but the problem comes when the two are in conflict.

Many of us choose to either be rational people or emotional people and then make decisions based on this kind of identity, but there’s almost always a winning side. When you do it this way, a part of inside that wins and then a part of us inside that loses as well. Either I get to do what my emotions want, or I get to do what my rational mind wants.

There’s rarely a way to make both parties happy. The work of Byron Katie is a way to satisfy both sides. [00:33:00] Stress alerts us to the conflict within us. When we listen, we can hear the two sides arguing like a parent and a child. One side is wise, the parent, and knows that eating more ice cream, for example, is not good for the child.

It tries to be reasonable, but the child doesn’t want to listen. It only becomes more stubborn thinking, but I want it. One way of dealing with this kind of situation is to force the child to comply for its own good. Of course, this works well when children are small and weak, but as they become stronger over time, it doesn’t work at all.

This is a state that many of us find in dealing with our emotions. These emotions are very strong and they don’t respond to use of force anymore. The second way is listening and complying with the child’s wishes, allowing it to have as much ice cream as it likes. This causes all kinds of problems [00:34:00] and allows the less experienced child to lead the way, not usually such a good idea.

When we only listen to our emotions and do whatever they tell us, it can lead a again, to emotions that get out of control while the rational mind becomes weak, only saying poor baby, and allowing the we the emotions to wreak havoc in all directions. A third way is called the work of Byron Katie, which is four questions and turnarounds.

This method includes a little of both. It starts with listening. Tell me everything in an uncensored way. In fact, it allows the emotions to write in this uncensored way. And it can share all of its complaints and it promises not to try to change the emotions, but to just listen. But the work goes a step further.

The worst the work asks the emotional part to answer a few questions. [00:35:00] If it’s willing. Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? Who would you be without that thought? Could the opposite be true? And it listens as the emotional part answers these questions from within its own experience.

The emotional part is still in control, which it likes very much, but it is starting to stretch beyond its immediate experience to something deeper, truer, and more interesting for it. It’s starting to educate itself and grow. It is starting to be in contact with its inner wisdom. This is very different from being told what to do by the rational part of the mind.

When the emotional part is allowed to discover on its own that that to discover on its own that what it was thinking is not fully true for it, [00:36:00] it becomes open to finding new ways if it wants an ice cream, but discovers when it looks more closely at its experience, that it’s stomach is full. It may realize on its own that it doesn’t want more ice cream.

This is a radically different approach. Now the emotional part itself is becoming more rational. It is growing towards the wisdom of the rational mind on its own terms, and this makes all the difference. Now, the wisdom is not intellectual, but experiential. The emotional part sees from its own experience that the turnaround, I don’t want ice cream is truer and it spontaneously stops trying to get more.

There’s no fight. There’s no winner, rational mind or loser emotional part. Both sides come into accord with one another on the common ground of wisdom, and it feels like peace. The key is to let the emotional part answer the questions. [00:37:00] If you try to do the work with the rational mind, then you miss this experience.

The rational mind already knows what should happen. If the rational mind answers the questions, it is basically doing the homework for the child. There’s no learning in this, no expansion, no meeting of opposites. Instead, the rational part of the mind is trying to control the emotional part by doing the work.

This is not really doing the work. It is using the work as a kind of weapon in the hands of the controlling rational side. The true work requires this rational side to back off and to hand over the inquiry to the emotional experiential part completely. When this is done, the emotions can start to trust the process.

There is no manipulation in it, and then genuine growth on the side of the emotions can happen. The rational mind must be patient. [00:38:00] This is the same kind of patience that parents must have with children. Children develop slowly. If parents try to rush this growth, they actually get in the way of it. But when they allow the child to be a child, yet invited to stretch a little every day, then the child grows up to be confident and wise as an adult.

Emotions can believe all kinds of crazy, irrational things. But if you can listen without trying to change them and still invite them to answer these questions with only what feels true to them, then even the craziest emotions can change dramatically. But it has to happen on their terms and in their time.

Anything else will backfire. Sometimes people complain that the work can lead to denial. I see this as only possible when the work is not being done in this respectful patient way. If [00:39:00] I try to push myself to change with the work, then I will take shortcuts and answer, no, my thought is not true. When yes, I still believe it’s true.

This rushing the process in service of trying to change myself is not the work I. And it does not lead to and it does lead to denial. If I’m trying to rush myself, I’m trying to change myself, I can push myself into denial. But if you slow it down and allow the childish emotional part to answer the questions of the work, then you will have an honest inquiry.

You may not fully turn everything around, but whatever progress you make will be genuine. The work is for the emotional part inside of me. Only my truth on that level can set me free. And here’s a quote from Byron Katie from her book, loving What is, there are no right or wrong answers to [00:40:00] these questions.

You’re listening for your answers now, not other people’s and not anything you have been taught. This can be very unsettling at first because you are entering the unknown as you continue to dive more deeply. Allow the truth within you to rise and meet the question. Be gentle as you give yourself to inquiry.