When False Accusations Resurface: Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People Managing Workplace Overwhelm

Todd: [00:00:00] We have an online community at the work as meditation.com, which is a wonderful place to come together and do the work of Byron Katie, if you’re interested in this practice, if you want to question your stressful thoughts with others in a supportive environment, I. People who are respectful of each other and who don’t get into each other’s business.

And the Inquiry Circle Group is a wonderful place to do your work. This is where I personally do my work every day, and we’ve been doing this work together for many of us for since 2013, so quite a long time. And I invite you to read more about it. Join us if you’re interested, and participate.

In this support group for doing the work, you’ll find all the details at the work as meditation.com.

Client: They just wanted to sit in my class and then they wrote a letter to the authority [00:01:00] telling them that I was incompetent or my class was great, and then went on to say I did all these things wrong. And so they, I, they contacted me and asked me why did I let that guy in the class. And I said, no. He told me he was from you and he, and they said, no, we actually fired him.

You replace, we hired you to replace him. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, A podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around, and we use something called the work of Byron Katie. If you’re not familiar with this process, it’s a way to identify what’s bugging you, what’s stressing you, and what are the thoughts that are going on in your mind when you’re feeling that stress.

Once you identify those stressful thoughts, you can take them one by one and go through a process of questioning them. And when you go through this process, often the. Stuckness or the feeling of emotion starts to shift and you start to see things in a much more open way, and there’s a lot [00:02:00] of release and relief that can happen as a result.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, we will be listening, first of all, to a session where someone is doing the work. I’ll be facilitating somebody on the thought. They are rubbing it in. This was an interesting situation job related, where someone was falsely accused of doing something and then they thought it was resolved and then it came back and they were being asked about it again.

And this person just, I. It became very emotional as a result. So we start with a lot of charge and then we work through identifying. It takes a little while to identify what is the stressful thought that we could begin to question. Then we go through questioning that and then. It turns out there’s even another stressful thought underneath that one, and we spend a few minutes at the end questioning that, and I think you’ll find it’s quite a difference from [00:03:00] where this person starts to where they end in this program.

Then after that, I’ll be reading one of my newsletter articles called. Are you stressed by criticism? So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. It’s a simple way to question what you think. It’s a very powerful way to get in touch with your own experience and to start to see things from a new perspective.

I. So here’s the recording from our latest weekly open session, and I’m record sharing the unedited recording as always so that you can experience this just as if you were here with us when you were doing the session.

Client: So I had a situation where last year, someone. Came into one of my classes and pretended they were from an authority that I report to, and they weren’t. They just wanted to sit in my class, and then they wrote a [00:04:00] letter to the authority telling them that I was incompetent or my class was great, and then went on to say I did all these things wrong.

And so they, I, they contacted me and asked me why did I let that guy in the class? I said, no, he told me he was from you and he, and they said, no, we actually fired him. You replace, we hired you to replace him.

Todd: Sounds like an interesting situation. Yes. 

Client: And that kind of was uncomfortable as we were trying to figure out all the things that had happened and yeah, he was just behaving badly, and, so that was all solved. And now this year I got a message saying that it, that the insurance company that I work with is sending me back to that same city to do more training.

And apparently they had some changes in their. Staffing because they came across that person’s letter saying that my work was no good. And they sent this to me [00:05:00] asking me, did this ever get resolved? We don’t want you here if your work is no good. So I contacted the insurance company and the company that, all the different other people that are in that line and I just.

I just, in my own mind I overreacted. I was livid and I wasn’t gonna go back there and, I was gonna just don’t use me anymore and all this other stuff. And I didn’t know that it was new people that were reading this stuff and they really shouldn’t have contacted me directly.

They should have gone to the insurance company. But but the way it was we don’t want you here if you’re still bad. And I was livid and a lot of people had to come in and apologize to me and solve the problem. And I didn’t care. I was just I was quitting as far as I was concerned.

And then everyone stepped up and they handled it and it all turned out just fine. But I can’t get over in my mind that I just, I overreacted. 

Todd: Yeah. So what was it about [00:06:00] that made you overreact, if you can?

Client: The, after I did it, I had the thought that I could have just said, oh yeah, that was taken care of.

I could have just said that. That was definitely giving care of, go ahead and call the insurance company and they’ll confirm it for you instead of, I’m never talking to you again and, no, don’t call me and you, I’m never, don’t, my life is in danger if you really believe that guy is, and yeah, I, 

Todd: yeah.

So what was it about that idea that they. Or coming to you saying, if you don’t, if you’re really that bad, we don’t want you here. 

Client: Yeah.

Todd: What was that to you that made it made you react that way? Can you find the interpretation? 

Client: There, there was a moment where I thought that they just automatically believed the man instead of the woman. The man said the woman was incompetent, and so the woman is incompetent. Okay? That was what came to me. That it was like, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Okay. [00:07:00] So is that what made you livid? Do you think?

Client: That they also contacted me instead of the insurance company who is sending me there. That, asking me, did this get resolved? We don’t want you if you’re not competent. And what was 

Todd: it about them contacting you that made that it was 

Client: inappropriate? I’m not, I don’t have the level of authority.

I am the trainer the, the insurance company sends the trainer to the city to do the training. So the, so this is someone new in human resources who comes across this letter that’s a year old and contacts the person who they don’t want there, instead of the insurance company to ask them if that was still the case.

Here’s, yeah. It was a debacle. And I could have, my, in my head it was like, I could have said, oh, you know what, we need to contact the insurance company if that’s a concern that you’re having. Your name is [00:08:00] different. I don’t think we’ve worked together before. Thank you for checking to make sure, thank you for checking to make sure that this was resolved before you had someone come in.

That was later. 

Todd: What I’m looking for is just the thought that, if we can find it, the thought that. Gives rise to this reaction inside instead of the calm. There were a lot of people that 

Client: had to calm me down. 

Todd: Yeah. So what was it? Okay, so I’ve heard a couple things so far. They automatically believed the man instead of the woman that could be a part of it.

Or they contacted me instead of ta contacting the insurance company. And that even that is like a. The statement of fact in a way. But what was it about that just drove you crazy there in that, in the heat of the moment, 

I, they dunno what 

Client: they’re doing. They just, they didn’t know what they were doing.

They didn’t know how to handle a sensitive situation. Put me in a place that, that wasn’t my place to resolve it. They put me in a, in that [00:09:00] spot of. Why should we use you if you’re incompetent? I don’t care flying f if you use me or not.

Yeah. It felt like it was being rubbed in like it was. I, there you go. Yeah. Okay, so that’s, they believed it, they believed it and that they were gonna call me and say so, and they got an earful from me. So it, I proved to them that I can be married, not nice. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah.

Okay. So this is where, this is what I was looking for. It’s these are the emotional interpretation. We’re getting really close to it now. It’s oh gosh. 

What were they doing to me? They were rubbing it in, right? They were, they were believing it. Like that. Those kind of things are more powerful kind of things.

It’s what’s starting. It can make me erupt because it’s starting to be. What they’re doing to me on a personal level here. And that it doesn’t mean that’s what I’m thinking even [00:10:00] consciously, but No. But emotionally, it haven’t been 

Client: for me to react the way I reacted. I had to have believed that they were calling me to make sure I knew that they weren’t gonna use me because someone else said I was in confidence.

Todd: That’s right. That’s right. 

Client: Got it. Got it. Yeah. Something like that. And then I Did, I? 

Todd: Yes. Okay. So they were, what’s the word? They were rubbing it in. Is that close enough or? Yeah. Okay. So is that true? They were rubbing it in. 

Client: Felt like it, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. That’s what it felt like. So can you absolutely know it’s true.

That’s what they were doing. And speak here from the emotions. See what you can find from your own experience, your own truth as best you can find it.

Client: I’ll say no, and I’m gonna explain why, because I think it’s, I, it’s relevant. I don’t think that this new person who [00:11:00] took over this job at their human resources had any experience. I think that they were just covering until they can actually find someone. And as far as handlings situations like this, I think they were clueless.

Todd: Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Okay. So how do you react? What happens when you think that they are rubbing it in? Go back to the moment when you didn’t. You don’t know anything. You just get this call. And how do you react when you think they’re rubbing it in? When you have that feeling? 

Client: If I’m incompetent, then get someone else.

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. Was this handled? Yes, this was resolved and you need to go find out how it was resolved. You need to go talk to the insurance company, not me. If you don’t want me, fine, find someone else. Good luck with that. 

Todd: And what’s the tone of your voice? At least in your head.

Client: If every word that I’m speaking [00:12:00] should be leaving a big hole in you is the tone of my voice, 

Todd: are you getting hit?

This is how you react, right? So they say, they call up and ask you, say if you’re not good, we don’t want you and you’re like, you think they’re rubbing it in and then boom, you think 

Client: you’re stupid. Listen to me. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: You think you’re rubbing it in for me? I’m about to rub it into you.

Client: Oh 

Todd: yeah. So this is a reaction. This is a reaction. Where do you feel it in your body? They’re rubbing it in. 

Client: Huh? Make fists. Yeah. Yeah. When I pound them 

Todd: ready to go to war. Yeah. It’s 

Client: funny, I’ve never been violent to another person, but

Todd: it’s how it happens. I go I believe a thought. It has the emotional [00:13:00] charge, and then without much.

Preparation. Suddenly I’ve got fists and I’m ready to fight. 

Client: And I’m forward. I’m forward with fists. 

Todd: Exactly. Exactly. 

Client: Yeah. You wanna fight? Come on. 

Todd: And so you’ve probably answered a lot of this, but any other ways that you treat that person or the whole organization when you think they’re rubbing it in?

Client: When I’m insane like that, that city’s not gonna last long. The insurance company should not be insuring them. It’s gonna cost them. They’re gonna make a lot of stupid mistakes and I treat them like they’re idiots. Yeah. And like they’re dangerous because this guy attempted to do something that was politically violent.

And defending that. Person was like, okay yeah, now you mess with the wrong person, but I’m not gonna, I’m going [00:14:00] to, yeah. That cool. Yeah. And then I call the insurance company and I call the, everyone involved in that and I tell ’em, this is the conversation.

This is what happened. I’m not going find someone else. Yeah. Yeah. This has been resolved. And then they’re like, and then there’s new people at the insurance company. And so if they say, how did it get resolved? So I write a five page letter explaining everything, including that person’s letter about my work and all this stuff and send it to the insurance company and say, this is the last time I’m dealing with this.

You, you deal with this. And then someone who knew about it came in and quieted everybody down and called me and talked me down. 

Todd: So that’s the difference. Like when I’m believing this thought, even on a subtle level, that they’re rubbing it in, I have to be talked down because the emotion has risen up and has moved, yeah.

Into the field of action more than just whatever was [00:15:00] necessary. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: And let’s just touch on this too. How do you treat yourself when you think. In that moment when you thought they were rubbing it in, how were you treating yourself in any way? Did it show up that way? I’m sure 

Client: it’s not healthy for me to be in that state of anger.

And at that point I’m like f you, I’m not gonna do any work for you. If you’re gonna be, if this is what it’s gonna be like, and if there’s a problem, bring it to my attention. I will. Thank you for pointing it out. And I have made he wrote a letter about all these things that I didn’t do, and I read the letter and there was one thing in there that I thought was a good idea.

And I actually put it in my class. So it’s not oh yeah. It’s whoa, I didn’t do that. I didn’t do that. You know what, I didn’t do that. That’s a good idea. And I even put that in my response. It’s yeah, you know this, none of this is this and this are not accurate, and this was a good idea.

I included that. And it’s that was [00:16:00] enough. I actually, I was worried that he was gonna show up in the class or put someone in the class to harass me or do something to, actually physically show up. 

Todd: Okay. So other reaction. So that was my other reaction. That’s 

Client: how I treated them.

Todd: Yeah. But I, and I asked like, how do you treat yourself? Does that show up for you? 

Client: Lately because of the health issues that I have been working with, I contacted a friend of mine and I did the work with her. So the way I treat myself is I try to keep myself as healthy as I can. But I did the work on the, they’re idiots. Not my reaction. My reaction. 

Todd: Okay. Who would you be without the thought that they’re rubbing it in when they call and when they write?[00:17:00] 

Client: I would be the person who would say, oh, you know what? I am not authorized to have this conversation with you. You’re human resources. You should be talking to the insurance company. And I would just let. I know that it had been resolved, and I know that the insurance company would have my back, and they did, and I would just be the person going, oh, you’re new.

You don’t know you found a letter, there’s no documentation of the resolution. Call the insurance company and they’ll be happy to tell you what happened. And I’d be calm, I’d be a little worried to make sure that it was in fact accurate.

Todd: Yeah, so this is the difference with the thought. They’re rubbing it in.

The emotions get jacked up and the you’re ready to fight without the thought, you’re still dealing with the problem, but there’s a calmness. The experience is more settled [00:18:00] without that thought, 

Client: I wanna sit in that moment for without the thought, because. Just even talking about it. Got my 

Todd: closeup reply.

Yeah, so just get the, imagine that you’re getting the letter. Was it a letter they wrote or a call? 

Client: It was an email with a copy of the letter. 

Todd: Okay. So they send you this email, a copy of the letter, and you’re reading this and they’re saying, we don’t wanna work with you if you’re incompetent.

And imagine reading that.

Client: I would be laughing we don’t wanna work with you if you’re incompetent. Yeah. 

Todd: So if you don’t have the thought that they’re rubbing it in, what are you seeing in that email? 

Client: I’m seeing some very untrained people in a very important department for a fairly large city.[00:19:00] 

And hope that they hire someone soon.

Todd: And how would you take their statements toward you and about you and your incompetence and all that? How would you take that if you didn’t think, 

Client: yeah, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t wanna hire someone incompetent either. How did you get the job?

I would now, I would realize that a person whose own questioning their own competence would be thinking that person had to have been questioning their own competence to be worried about someone else’s competence 

Todd: And what else could be going on? Like when they’re writing you this way if you’re not seeing this, they’re protect 

Client: you.

They’re protecting their city. They’re trying to protect people. They see a letter that says, I’m incompetent.[00:20:00] 

Todd: They’re checking it out, 

Client: right? And if someone came up to me and said, Wendy, of your information is wrong. This is not right. You didn’t do this right. I am curious. Tell me where that, where do I find that correct information? How do I just, like I said, I, he had something in his letter.

I was like, that’s a good idea. I’m gonna do that. And it improved my class, so I know no one’s gonna do everything a hundred percent correctly and without the thought reading her email. Rereading his letter and reading her email. I had to have been in a vulnerable state at the time. And I wonder if,

yeah, I can remember that as I noticed that there was that in the letter that I, I had, I first actually had the thought, oh, I’m pretty tired [00:21:00] right now. This is probably not a good time for me to read this. And then I just opened it up and reread the, I just put myself let’s see if I can stand in front of the target.

Yeah. I must have wanted to be angry and upset because I could when I first realized what was happening, I could have just forwarded it to the insurance company. 

Todd: Interesting. Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: So these different points start coming in. These points of view start coming in if you’re not so sure that they’re rubbing it in, if that’s not front and foremost in your mind.

Yeah. Yeah. So let’s turn the thought around. They’re rubbing it in. 

Client: They’re rubbing it out. 

Todd: Okay. How could that be 

Client: as true? They’re curious. They’re trying to find out is this a something that we need to get rid of? Is this just, is there something to this or is there something we just need to get out of our space so that we can move forward.

Todd: Makes sense. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, they’re looking for some res, an answer and resolution. ’cause it [00:22:00] wasn’t in their files. 

Todd: Somebody didn’t document whatever resolution had been done previously. So it’s almost more on that person than it is on these people because they’re just following up on something that hasn’t been apparently hasn’t been resolved even though it had been resolved.

Client: Yeah, they’re just trying to get that off, get that handled and taken care of so we can move forward. 

Todd: Okay, cool. 

Client: And they don’t know me, so why would they care how I feel? They don’t know me. 

Todd: Exactly. All they have is a piece of paper that says you’re incompetent. What do they know?

That you have like x number of years of super competency. Like they just don’t, they don’t have that information. 

Client: I might be incompetent. 

Todd: That’s a whole other thing, but 

Client: another turnaround in a sense is they’re telling the truth, 

Todd: so let’s go to another turnaround. They’re rubbing it in. Is there another way to turn around? I’m rubbing 

Client: it in. 

Todd: So how is that rubbing it in? There’s kind of two ways to take this. One is rubbing it in to myself. Another is rubbing it in towards them. 

Client: Yes. And I, I did just [00:23:00] have that thought too. It’s which one?

I am rubbing it into myself by my overreaction and I was responding to my emotional state in it. I usually, when I’m upset I try to calm myself down before I communicate with people, but I did not do that this time. I’m gonna give you the full force of my response to this. And yeah, and that was rubbing it into them and not letting myself calm down ahead of time and just think it through was also rubbing it into myself. Yeah. Yeah, 

Todd: because this thing was resolved right? In the at, at some point in the past. 

Client: No. Yeah. They were not only, it was not only resolved, but there were quite a few apologies that were sent my way.

Todd: Okay. So you forgetting that temporarily went into this new letter and rubbed it in again, like rubbed yourself in it again and then rubbed them in it again? Yeah. 

Client: It’s let me just re-experience this. I guess I didn’t experience enough of it. Let’s have some [00:24:00] more. Exactly. And yeah,

yeah. Rubbing it into them. The, a lot of people got involved in defending the situation, defending me and the quality of what I do which made me feel better. And so another turnaround is I rubbed the good stuff in. There, there was a, an a lot of communication between the insurance company and the city and anyone else that was involved in that, about their faith in me and their, the quality of my work and that they wanted to make sure that there wasn’t anyone who was going to be in the class that might be, come, inappropriate And that the guy, someone even wrote that they were gonna make sure they contacted the guy to make sure that he wasn’t going to show up at the class. 

[00:25:00] Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah, that’s also true. Rubbed rubbing in 

Client: hard end, yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Okay. As you were working, like one of the other thoughts that you mentioned at the beginning was something like they believe it, right?

Remember that was another piece of that. Yeah. 

Client: My fear that they would just believe it. 

Todd: Yeah. And I was thinking like, what does that mean? It’s like they believe I’m incompetent. That’s a, that could be another take on this. We could do the work on, they believe I’m incompetent and it’s another.

Underlying belief connected in here and I don’t know, we could do a quick version of that if you want to. Yeah. Or we could just we just have five minutes. 

Client: Yeah. So they believe I’m incompetent. 

Todd: Yeah. So is that true? Okay. 

Client: In that moment it was Right. 

Todd: So can you absolutely know It’s true. They believe you’re incompetent.

Client: No. No. In fact, they were asking me if I was, they were asking me if I [00:26:00] was incompetent. 

Todd: Good point. Okay. So how do you react when you think they believe you’re incompetent when they send you that letter? 

Client: I’m not laughing like I was now. 

Todd: No, 

Client: I was like, I re I react with. Just Ugh, go away.

Yeah. And anger and frustration and an underlying fear that maybe I am and don’t know it. 

Todd: So who would you be without the thought? They believe you’re incompetent.

In the moment. I would, in 

Client: that moment, I would believe that they were trying to clean up a bunch of loose ends left by the person that they replaced. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: And that they were trying to be competent. [00:27:00] 

Todd: Yeah. It’s a different feeling. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: So turn the thought around. They believe I’m incompetent. 

Client: They believe I’m competent.

They wouldn’t have asked me if that letter was accurate. 

Todd: Makes sense. 

Client: Did this get resolved? And from that competency, they didn’t involve anybody else but me. And so they were protecting me from other people thinking that someone had written a letter about my competency. 

Todd: Wow. 

Client: Wow. 

Todd: Yeah. Something almost respectful about that.

Client: Yeah.

So does that mean I really did overreact? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m going,

I’m glad I resolved that one. 

Todd: So they believe I’m incompetent. What’s another turnaround? 

Client: I believe I’m incompetent. 

Todd: So in that [00:28:00] moment, can you find it?

Client: Yeah. Yeah, because I’m, I am interpreting the law the way I understand it and the way it’s typically interpreted, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s accurate. There are still things that. Could be there that I’m not aware of that could make what I’m doing not completely perfect. Yeah.

Like I’m teaching them how to do something, but I might be leaving something out without even knowing it. Yeah. Yeah, there’s always the possibility or the likelihood that something I’m telling them is either inaccurate or incomplete. 

Todd: So that little doubt is there, right? And then when the letter comes, even though it’s [00:29:00] doesn’t make sense ’cause it’s all been resolved and everything, it activates that little doubt in there and off, off it goes.

Client: Yeah, you’re right. Without the doubt, then I would’ve just not, I wouldn’t have reacted. 

Todd: It 

Client: would’ve been, yeah. You’re Byron Katie. Yeah, you’re right. I am incompetent. 

Todd: Some things are just true. 

Client: You’re right. I’m, that’s true in a lot of different places. I’m incompetent. Oh, no. Don’t eat my cooking. That is, I am det 

Todd: competent.

Even if I take the thing that I’m the most competent at, whatever that is, if I take that thing, I can still find incompetent in there. 

Client: That’s right. 

Todd: That, and that’s an open mind. That’s a, it’s a place of humility even. And. But like it depends on how you hold it. Like I can find incompetency even in my most competent place, so therefore I’m insecure.

That’s one way to take it. Or I can find incompetency [00:30:00] where I’m competent and okay. That keeps me humble and keeps me growing and keeps me thank you. 

Client: And I try to do that and a lot of times people will ask me a question in the class and I just get right on the internet and we go right to the regulation and we search for it.

And I don’t just give them an answer. I. Find where it says what it’s supposed to say. And I surprised, I’m surprised sometimes too, what it says. ’cause I’ll say I think it’s this, but let’s look it up. And then I’ve shown them how to look something up and I got more accurate information and I can correct myself.

And I’ve done that before. So beautiful. But it, but the doubt had to be there for me to react. 

Todd: Exactly. Yeah. That’s the, 

Client: I couldn’t have reacted without that doubt. Yeah. Makes sense. 

Todd: So then last turnaround, they believe I’m incompetent. How would you turn it around towards them? 

Client: I believe they’re incompetent.

Yeah. Yeah. 

Todd: So how could that have been going on? How is that as [00:31:00] much of what’s causing the stress or the reaction in that moment as them believing you’re incompetent? 

Client: What’s really funny too, because as you were saying that my picture in my head was. I’m glad they called me first and not the insurance company, because then someone who didn’t know who I was would’ve been, yeah.

I think they’re incompetent. Not in a way that’s insulting. I think that they have change of employees, people left. And they honestly did not know what needed to be done, and they were just doing the best that they knew how to do, and they couldn’t possibly know everything any more than I could possibly know everything.

And so their incompetence and my incompetence were pretty equally matched there. 

Todd: Cool. 

Client: Yeah. And it wasn’t, it’s not bad. It’s just 

Todd: they’re doing their best. It’s difficult when employees [00:32:00] change and it’s not, it. A lot of things fall through the cracks. It’s true. So yeah, 

Client: so like the definition of incompetence isn’t necessarily like stupid or anything.

It’s more 

Todd: Right. But in the moment of your reaction, you were going into their like stupid. It was visceral. It was, you were thinking they were incompetent in a really bad way, the way you were imagining they were thinking about you, right? Yeah.

Client: Yeah. But now looking at it again, it’s hard to. Bring that feeling back.

I remember thinking it, but I don’t feel it now and that I love work. 

Todd: Me too. Me too. Thank you for your work. 

Client: Wow. Yay. Thank you for working me.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com. And then go [00:33:00] to the open sessions page. There you can see the schedule of upcoming open sessions. You can sign up and become a participant. And when you’re a participant, you get to ask your own questions.

You get to do the work with me. It doesn’t cost you anything. In fact. After 10 sessions, even if you’re just sitting in listening to these open sessions, after 10 of these, you will get a $50 coupon for anything that I offer. So there are a lot of good reasons to participate in these open sessions.

And while you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to look at private sessions. Private sessions are a way of doing the same work with me one-on-one in a situation where it’s just you and me, and sometimes you can go even more deeply into something that is bothering you or something that’s very personal.

Go to the work as meditation.com and then private sessions. [00:34:00] Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called Are You Stressed by Criticism?

You can’t see it in the small photo that I display here, but. There’s a picture of a wood inlay, a beautiful flower that’s been designed out of wood and inlaid very beautifully. But if you look closely, you’ll find that the chisel slipped just at the edge of the central flower in this wood inlay. And when you first think about it, the thought may come, oh, what a shame.

Have you ever done anything beautiful and then had someone criticize you for some small flaw? It can feel almost like abuse. When you first hear some criticism, it can make you feel so angry. Here, I’ve made this amazing creation and you’re telling me about the one [00:35:00] thing I did wrong. Ah, it can be very frustrating, but no one can cause me to experience stress except me.

How do I break out of the stress? How can I experience criticism without stress? This is where the work of Byron Katie can be helpful. First, identify the stressful thoughts you’re thinking in the moment of your stressful reaction to criticism. Then question those thoughts. The result for me is an opening to criticism and a clear distinction between the criticism.

And my stressful reaction to that criticism, which I am often starting to see as actually optional. This is not something anyone can do for you. You have to go through the process and do it for yourself. So I do it by identifying the stressful thoughts, writing them down, and then [00:36:00] questioning them. Here’s how I did it recently.

I have created what I think is an excellent system of customer service for my clients with good communication and an attitude of fairness and respect for my clients. I actually pride myself on how I treat my clients, but a new client found a flaw in my system and he criticized me for it. And he basically criticized me for how.

I unintentionally treated him and he discontinued working for me after just one session. The reason was that I missed an important distinction. I didn’t communicate my system to this new client. I normally automatically charge the credit card I have on file for client sessions. This avoids having to spend time on payment during a session, and it saves the client time entering credit card information each time.

Normally, if you book through my website, this is [00:37:00] communicated clearly and taken care of automatically, but this new client didn’t come through my website, so he missed all that and I treated him like any other client by billing his card automatically. The problem was we had never had that discussion.

His card was on file from another purchase and I used it thinking it was okay, and I never asked him. That was my mistake. Of course, mistakes like this are understandable. We all make them, but my stress about it comes from blaming him instead of owning it. It was my reaction to the criticism that hurt me.

It was my pushing it away that hurt me. That’s why I wrote a judge your neighbor worksheet on this client. I identified all of the stressful blaming thoughts I used in that moment to avoid owning my part. For example, in the beginning of this worksheet, it [00:38:00] sounded like this line. One, I’m shaken by him because he hurt my pride line two, I want him to see I did nothing wrong.

I want him to fully understand my system before accusing me, and my worksheet went on and on from there. After collecting all of the stressful thoughts around this situation. Then I began to question those thoughts. And as I started to question them, I started to see another side of my stressful story.

I started to find my part, and through that I started to learn how to make peace with this feedback and how to make peace with myself who still makes mistakes. Doing this work was not about understanding what happened. I already understood my mistake. It was about taking the emotional charge out of it, and that requires almost a kind of surgery.

And the work is just that quote unquote surgical tool to remove [00:39:00] the sting from criticism. I encourage you to give it a try yourself. And here’s a quote from Byron Katie. Feeling hurt by any criticism. Feeling the slightest urge to defend yourself means that there’s something you don’t accept and love about yourself.

This is the very part of you that you want to hide. You want to be loved and understood. Not there. And this is from Byron Katie’s book. I Need Your Love. Is that true?