When Life Feels Like Too Much + Money Stress (Inner Work for Highly Sensitive People)

Client: [00:00:00] Well, we, we had a lot of problems lately since last year. With, uh, our apartment, different kind of problems. So maybe what is was, uh, behind that is, uh, again, another problem that we have to solve and 

Todd: welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we’re always looking for that little bit of wiggle room that’s always there if you know where to look.

So it doesn’t matter what the situation. Um, this is a process of exploration. I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, a participant does the work. And by the work, I mean the work of Byron Katie on a thought, uh, that was connected to her like some. [00:01:00] Issues that were coming up in her apartment, different things, one after the other, and the thought was we already had enough problems.

So we’ll get into that as we listen to the recording of the open session this week. And then I’ll also read the article that I wrote this week on money. And the the title is, what Can You Actually Control? So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together. This is a simple, powerful way to question the thoughts that run in your mind.

And we’ll start with listening to the first. Uh, to the open session from this week, and I always share the unedited recording so that you can experience how this, uh, actually is done in real back. 

Client: Uh, so, uh, I listened to your other sessions. 

Mm-hmm. 

Client: And, um, you, uh, frequently [00:02:00] mention or say, who would you be without the thought?

Yes. 

Client: And, um, I was wondering what to do if the thought is there, but, um, in a, in a repetitive way, you cannot control the presence of the thought. Yeah. So what do you do in that case, but online in the situation? Yeah. Being in your situation and you have this thought, like recurrent thought, you cannot control the presence of the thought.

Uh, you can of course, uh, not necessarily believe the thought. Even think it is not logic or make no sense, but the thought is there and is, uh, bothering the presence of the thought. Yes. [00:03:00] 

Todd: Yes. Uh, in my experience, I can’t control my thoughts. They, they’re there, they show up and, and they’re part of what is right.

So if I want that thought to not be there, it’s like another argument with what is. And so I, instead of, um, like basically. If I can’t control that, I don’t worry about that. If I can’t do that in the moment, like online in the moment when I’m stressed, then what can I do? I react. You know, that’s what happens.

I react and I go into my reaction and it doesn’t look pretty, but that’s the reality. So then what I can do is later when I have a little more time, I’m back. To myself again, I can go back and look at that situation and say, okay, now what happened there? Let me, let [00:04:00] me see. What was the thought I was thinking there and now let me question it now because now I can, now I’m not as so much in the reaction mode and I can start to, uh, to question it.

So the work, many times, I would say probably most of the time. Is something I do after something happens to me. Hmm. So the in the moment it just, I just do what I do. I, I react. Mm-hmm. Or I don’t react or, but afterwards, then I can go and do the work and start to find some clarity, some new way of seeing it.

And then if the similar situation happens in the future. I have done some work. Now I have a chance that it won’t get me as much this time. Maybe I am without the thought in that moment. You know, it can happen like that. Or if again, it’s like repetitive again, it hits me and I still think the same thought [00:05:00] then.

I can do nothing. I just react, you know? But then after that I can again look at it again and maybe I question the same thought or maybe I notice some other related thoughts that are there and I can question those. And so this is the process. Um, I. It’s like a cycle of getting exposed to the thing that stresses me.

Then going back, doing the work, getting a little more clarity, then going back again, getting exposed to the situation, see if there’s any difference. Maybe there’s some, maybe there’s not, if there’s still some stress, come back, do the work again, and over time, as I keep going back and forth between. The situ going in the situation and then doing the work on it.

It’s, it starts to get a little looser. I often find it, start to see a little more options, and then there are many situations that used to stress me. They don’t stress me at all anymore, [00:06:00] like they never stress me anymore. So that, that comes with that kind of repetition of the process. 

Client: Mm-hmm. Okay. Thank you.

My question is related to, to a situation. Um, I have been experiencing insomnia since one year and a half bef, uh, ago. Mm-hmm. Um, for example, last night I had, uh, this thought and, uh, even if I, I question it very rapidly and I, I thought, no, it’s not true. So, okay. Uh, I, I know it’s not true. I don’t have to believe it, but the thought was coming all the time.

So the insomnia was there. So I was, uh, 

yes, 

Client: like, uh, four in the morning, uh, and, and, and didn’t sleep after that. Okay. And, um, so the, the change was that I [00:07:00] didn’t suffer. 

Yes, 

Client: the thought was there, it was repetitive. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t add the suffering, but it was there. 

Todd: Yeah. So 

Client: I was awake anyway, 

Todd: the thought, like, I don’t think in my experience, thoughts, um, sometimes thoughts stop coming, but sometimes they keep coming, but I’m not believing them as much and that’s enough.

I don’t have to not have a thought to not suffer. It’s possible that I have the thought, but I don’t believe the thought, then I don’t suffer. So that’s another way there. 

Mm-hmm. 

Todd: You know, like, I should be sleeping and, and that’s coming. I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping still coming there. But if I’m really not, I.

I’m like, uh, yeah, I don’t really believe that. [00:08:00] Yeah. I, I, I can see why I would believe that, but I really don’t, and every time I do, it hurts. So I kind of start to think, eh, like I’m not as attached to it, and then I suffer less. So that’s all. That’s all. 

Client: Okay. Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah. Welcome. Yeah. Do you wanna do any of that in a more slow way with the insomnia?

And we could play with that together if you want to. 

Client: Like, uh, I have insomnia is, uh, 

Todd: like when you’re lying in bed at four in the morning, what, what was the, what was the stressful thought or what were the stressful thoughts? 

Client: Uh, it was one in particular, but um. Well, it is related to, um, some, um, I, I, I’m sorry, my English is not very good.

Uh, we have to do some work [00:09:00] because, um, our neighbor, uh, or we cause some damage to our neighbor downstairs in her kitchen because we have a problem with water. Filtration. 

Mm-hmm. 

Client: So, uh, IWI had a thought related to that, like, uh, the work was already done, but I was not aware if it was done or not. So it was iog, it, it’s a thought that is not to really it important.

The thing is, uh, how can I do to stop it coming? I, I was not believing it, it’s not possible that. The work was done without us knowing it, so it was not logical. Okay. 

Okay. But 

Client: I couldn’t stop the, the thought of coming and, uh, at least I said, okay, I don’t believe it, so, okay. I don’t suffer, but I had this in mind.[00:10:00] 

Todd: Okay. So what is the, what makes that thought sticky for you? Um, that, that, that. That the work was already done. Like what, why is that, um, why is that thought come up for you? Do you have any idea what is, what is it that, does it stress you anyway? Is there something connected to that, that, that is making that, uh, making the mind focus on that, 

Client: ah, what is connected to that?

Well, we, we had a lot of problems lately, since last year. With, uh, our apartment, different kind of problems. So maybe what is was, uh, behind that is, uh, again, another problem that we have to solve and like the preparation of something that is not, uh, already finished, uh, we have to solve. Yeah. So maybe it was the worry about, [00:11:00] uh, it’s very general.

I. 

Todd: No, it’s okay. There’s something there, right? Like that, like, so the thought that the, that the, that w it was already done is kind of tying into the idea that it should, like, we shouldn’t have to have another problem. You know, like it’s a, yeah, 

Client: yeah. Maybe it’s that like we, we already had enough. 

Todd: Yes. Right?

Yes. Okay. So. So that 

Client: can be something, something like that. 

Todd: Right? So let’s, let’s do a little work on that if you want. Okay. We already had enough problems. 

Client: Yes.

Um,[00:12:00] 

no. No, I don’t say that. 

Todd: Okay, so when you’re lying in bed and the thought is coming, oh, this was already done, and you are believing somewhere else, somewhere inside that we already had enough problems, how do you react? What happens? 

Client: I get alert. This is the thing I was feeling like as my brain was alert.

Yeah. We have to do something, I have to know if it was already done or, uh, now we have to solve this. Uh, we have like three problems simultaneously to, to work with. So, yeah, I, I, I get alerts. This is the main thing and, um.

I, I get impatient [00:13:00] also because, uh, it is, uh, since, uh, one year ago exactly in April that, uh, these kind of problems in the apartment started. So it’s a long period. So, um, yeah, I get impatient and uh, I worry, I feel that, uh, a lot of things are. My control because, uh, there is a lot of people involved in the, in each problem.

Uh, so it’s not like, uh, I decide I have a problem, I decide to go and solve it. So feeling that I depend on the timing of a lot of people, insurance, the people who is coming to do the work, the neighbor, the administration of the building. So it’s like a, a lot of people involved. Um.

I worry. Yeah, 

Todd: yeah. See how the mind [00:14:00] starts getting very busy, right? 

Mm-hmm. 

Todd: We already have enough problems. Basically, we shouldn’t be having this problem. We’ve had enough. And then the mind’s like, so I need to get out of this quickly. How can I do it? What, what can I do? And then all the complexity of that, um, starts to make the mind vary.

Busy. I mean, do you even notice, like I, I’m imagining myself in bed in that situation, and my mind is starting to try to solve the problem and my, my legs actually start to want to move, to get out of bed, to go do something. You know, it’s like, it can be even physical how I react. 

Client: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I, I could say that about my brain or my legs, but my brain is altered.

Yeah. Yeah. 

Client: It’s ready to do something, but, uh, I cannot, I have to wait and there is a time for the thing, so, right. So I made a call [00:15:00] today to see when, uh, this is going to be done. And of course, again, no, uh, certain answer. Maybe April, maybe May. So I have to wait. 

Todd: Right. So how do you treat this problem when you think that you already had enough problems?

I.

Client: I treat it as something that bothers me,

uh, that something that is unfair.

Um,

I, I also get impatient with the, the administrative of the building, administration of the building. Um. It’s something like it shouldn’t be there. This problem. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So who would you [00:16:00] be again, lying in bed 4:00 AM without the thought, like the thought comes, oh, this was already done, but you don’t have the thought, we already have enough problems.

Who would you be when that comes up? 

Client: I will be open to what is, if it is the case and I was not informed, uh, well, we will deal with that in the moment. If it is the case, I will be open to the, to the reality. I will be, uh, maybe living it as some kind of challenge. For me, like to accept what is something exciting, like, uh, this is a new opportunity to accept, uh, something that I was not expecting, but, uh, that is real.[00:17:00] 

I will, uh, of course not be, maybe I will not have insomnia because I. My brain would not be alert. So just to, and if I, and if even with the insomnia, I would be more relaxed in, in the bed. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. What do you see when you look at the problem itself? Without the thought? We already had enough problems.

Client: How, excuse me, can you repeat? 

Todd: What do you see when you look at the problem? You know, the issue without the thought that we already had enough problems. 

Client: What do I see?

I see. Uh, just life.[00:18:00] 

Uh, a new event, another event that is happening

again, it an opportunity to. To know something new, maybe I will meet a, a worker who is going to come and solve this problem, and I will like his work and I will have this contact, or I will be, uh, closer to my neighbor because she also kind, she’s very kind and accepting to do this, uh, work, uh, in the timing I propose.

Uh, so yeah. I would be in peace with the situation. Maybe I will not even call it a problem. I would just interesting call it situation. 

Todd: Yeah, just life, right? Life is always giving some challenge or something new. Something. Yeah. But when I have the thought, [00:19:00] we already had enough problems, then.

It’s stressful. That’s the 

Client: difference. Yeah. 

Todd: That’s the difference. 

Client: Hmm. 

Todd: So let’s turn the thought around. We already had enough problems. 

Client: We did not have enough problems. No. 

Todd: Yeah, it’s a turnaround. Okay. These turnarounds sound funny sometimes, but you know, just play with it. It’s, it just points in another direction.

Yeah. And then we’ll see if there’s any truth there. How could you already, 

Client: well enough is very personal. I cannot know, like a

objective concept of what is enough, enough for whom? About what? So no, I cannot, uh, of course I cannot, uh, judge that. Uh, so we don’t have enough. Uh, [00:20:00] if I think in, uh, my personal growing, if I stop having problems in my life, I will not continue growing. So of course, problems or situations which represent a challenge are welcome because this is what allows me anyway, my experience is what allows me to grow.

Todd: Yeah, yeah. So I have not had enough problem.

Yeah. It’s just, just a change in perspective, right? Like, oh, okay. From that point of view. I don’t mind. I don’t mind. 

Client: Yeah. And one, one thing is true that I’m really not good with. Um, which concerns? Uh, work at home things, uh, you do with hands or, uh, what time is the right time to ask someone to come to verify the thing?

Mm-hmm. 

Client: Nothing [00:21:00] really, but Yeah. Once, one year ago with all the problems that we are having, I’m learning. 

Todd: Yeah. So I, yeah. So what used to be your weak place, like your, your lack of strength, it becomes stronger. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: That weak point becomes, uh, like it can become very strong. So, 

Client: yeah, it, it implied, uh, lawyers, it implied insurance.

Uh, it imply, uh, dealing with the administration. I, 10 years ago, I live here. No problem at all. So I didn’t understand anything of the functioning, but now this of course, uh, I, I have been learning. 

Todd: Yes. That is cool. That is cool. So, so I haven’t had enough problems. Yeah. Good welcome. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it’s not that I’m seeking out [00:22:00] problems.

No. But they keep coming anyway. So now there’s a more open feeling because I know I will keep, uh, growing. I will keep learning from that. 

Mm-hmm. 

Todd: And here’s another play with it. Like we already, we, we don’t, we don’t have, or we haven’t had enough problems, um, could be like that. I can handle like, like, can you handle.

The problems, like, you know, it’s like, enough is more than I can handle, but is it possible that it’s, that it’s enough for me to be able to deal with it? 

Client: Mm. I don’t know if I understood that one. So 

Todd: it Okay. Lemme see if I can, how 

Client: is it another turnaround? No, 

Todd: it’s like, same turnaround. No, same turnaround.

We, we already had enough problems turned around. We don’t have enough problems. Yeah. Uh, so. We don’t have enough problems to make it too [00:23:00] much for me. Okay. 

Client: Understand. Okay. Understand. Well, uh, in that, uh, regard, it, uh, has been, yes, it’s true. I have been learning, but in May, uh, um,

what can I say? For example, my insomnia worst, so, 

okay, that’s a, 

Client: not that much so I can handle, but it has consequences in my health also, so, 

Todd: okay. 

Client: I may like in the limit not 

Todd: Yeah, that’s a good, that’s a good description, right? That it’s, I’m on the limit. I’m, I’m right in that border there, but. But it’s not still, I’m not hearing that it’s too much for you to handle.

It’s, it has a consequence. It would be nice if it was less, [00:24:00] but, uh, I mean, we are having a conversation. You’re not just asleep because you cannot sleep in the night or something. Like there’s something, uh, that is. Strong enough to handle even that challenge of insomnia for more than a year. 

Client: Okay? Mm-hmm.

Todd: So I haven’t had enough problems to, to really make me sick or crazy or mm-hmm. Something 

like that. 

Todd: Um, and I like this because it just shows me that there’s. There’s more strength in here than I think sometimes, like I think, oh, it’s too much. Too much. But I forget that I can handle a lot. Forget that.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: So I don’t know if there are any other turnarounds, but let’s just look. We [00:25:00] already had enough problems. Um, is there anything else that shows up for you?

Client: No. That I can’t think of. No. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah, I think 

Client: you, Edwin, have a idea. Another turnaround I don’t see. 

Todd: Yeah. Do you see what? Do you see anything else? Uh, Edwin. I see. Uh.

Oh, yeah. Like with my thinking, like I, I already had enough problems with my thinking. 

Mm. 

Todd: Right. And that 

Client: yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. I, I already had enough problems with my thinking. This, I like, [00:26:00] yeah, yeah. Actually, because these problems, um, the, the, one of the things why I’m saying we, we already had enough is because, uh, we already had a lot of problems with COVID.

So, uh, I, I work in a hospital, so I was, uh, um, in a very challenging situation. So I would expect some calm, but at home, and we have problems with water in the ceiling, in the, uh, floor, in the, is like, uh, okay, enough. But it’s true that, uh, is my perception, my my thinking about each situation. Right. So thank you for that one.

It’s, it’s interesting. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s relative, right? It’s, it’s, um, something I, I decide it’s a concept, [00:27:00] like enough is a concept. 

Mm-hmm. 

Todd: And. I might think, okay, I went through COVID that was challenging and now I have the house stuff on top of it. It’s enough enough. Stop. Right. But that’s the mind saying that’s enough.

Mm-hmm. Like if the mind is not doing that, if the mind’s open, then it’s like, okay, I went through COVID and now this the house thing and I’m open if something else has to happen, what I’m open. And that’s the difference between like. Arguing with reality, which is stressful and being open to reality, which is not stressful.

Client: So I could say, uh, we could, could we, uh, say the, the turnaround, like, uh, say it, uh, exactly. How would, would it be Edwin? I already had enough problems in my thinking. Is that 

Yeah. 

Client: Yes. [00:28:00] This is so true. This is true. 

Todd: This is true. Right? This is 

Client: absolutely true. 

Todd: If I didn’t have the problems in my thinking about these problems, then these problems wouldn’t be problems.

Yeah. 

Client: Or it would be just another problem, but not like to, to make me feel that it is enough. This is another, so. 

Todd: And it, yeah, exactly, exactly. Because if there’s something I can control, great. But if there’s something I can’t control then, then it’s only my thinking that’s going to make it really experience that as terrible.

Client: Oh, this is nice. I feel nice. I have, I know of my thinking. Yeah, 

Todd: I love it. It’s 

Client: nice. 

Todd: That’s, that’s that little bit of wiggle room. Right. You know, that’s the inside. I can always work with what’s inside and how I’m seeing it. Uh, even if I can’t control the outside [00:29:00] parts. Mm-hmm. And sometimes I can do both, but always at least I have the option to, um.

To just question what I’m thinking and see if there’s another way of, of seeing. And here we see it’s not enough problems. It’s only was enough problems 

Client: in my thinking. Uh, thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, thank you. If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one we just heard here, then go to the work as meditation.com and then you’ll find the link there for open sessions and you’ll be able to see the schedule and sign up, and it’s a great way to do the work, ask your questions about the work and participate in this process.

Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles, and this is one that I wrote on money. What can you actually control?[00:30:00] 

It is possible to set up good growing conditions, but you can’t actually control the fruit. What can you actually control? Part of the stress of money is that you can’t fully control it. Money will always be dependent on outside circumstances, but some things related to money can be controlled. Seeing which is, which can be helpful, what I can and can’t control with regards to money.

I can’t control if someone actually buys something from me or not, but I can control how I pres, how I present what I’m selling. I can control what I choose to sell. I can control, uh, how much market research I do. I can control how organized I am and I can control how many people I contact. So there are actually quite a few things that I can control, even though I can’t actually control if someone buys something [00:31:00] or not.

Another situation, I can’t control if somebody hires me for a job or not. So something that it’s there. Their business. I can’t control that, but what I can control is how well I write my resume or I can control which jobs I apply for or how many I can control, what skills I become proficient at, and I can control how many jobs I apply for.

I can control if I ask for help in my job search or not. These are all things that I can actually do. I. Another situation. What I cannot control is if an investment goes up or down, but what I can control is who I choose to help me with my investments. I can control how diversified my PERF portfolio is.

I can control how much I save and I can control whether, uh, I choose [00:32:00] conservative or high risk types of investments. And then here’s another one. I can’t control the fact that I need food, clothing, and shelter. It’s like built into being a human. Um, but I can control which types of food, clothing, and shelter I spend my money on.

I can control how many people I share these expenses with. I can control whether I look for extra sources of income. And I can control how I budget my money for these expenses. So in all of these situations, there was something I couldn’t control with regards to money and also things that I can control with regards to money.

So how do you use this information to do the work? If you like doing the work of Byron Katie on any subject, then the work on money, stress is natural. Um, and I’ve done the money work on money many different times at different, uh. Places along my [00:33:00] path, and it’s always been revealing, interesting and often very freeing.

So looking at what I can control and what I cannot control around money can be helpful in finding stressful thoughts to question. If I see something that I can’t control and I want to control it, I can question the want or the need to control it. This is where I’m arguing with reality, which always causes stress.

On the other hand, um, if I see something that I can control and I’m not doing it, I can question my reasons for not doing it. These are my resistance thoughts that keep me from even trying. So there’s two ways to it, to, um. Identify stressful thoughts to question what it is I’m trying to control that I can’t.

Okay, let me question that. I need to control it, and then what are the things I can control but I’m not controlling? Okay. Why am I not [00:34:00] controlling them? I can question those reasons. Here are a few examples. Paying rent question, your desire to control what you can’t control, okay? I don’t want to pay rent.

That would be something I can’t control. So, but I want to control, I want it to be different. So I can question a thought. I don’t want to pay rent. Is it true? And on the other hand, I can question any resistance to doing, uh, what I can control. So what can I control? I could move and find a less expensive place to rent.

So what is my resistance? I don’t want to move so I can question that. So you can see both sides can get questioned. I don’t wanna pay rent. Is it true or I don’t want to move? Is it true? And when I question both sides of this, I often find lots of options, um, showing up. You know, other resistance thoughts would be, I don’t have a time to look [00:35:00] for a better place.

People will think less of me if I downgrade. Those kind of thoughts can be questioned and it can translate into landing in a place that’s more affordable. Okay, here’s another one. Looking for a job. Um, here’s what I, uh, here’s my desire to control the outcome. Uh, I need them to hire me. That’s a stressful thought because I’m trying to control something I can’t control.

So I need them to hire me. I want them to hire me. I can question that, but then what are my resistant thoughts to doing what I actually can do? So I might, uh, be able to improve my skills in some way, but the thought is I don’t feel like looking for ways to improve my skills. So is it true I don’t want to look for ways to improve my skills?

Is it true or I don’t have time to apply to more than one job? Is it true [00:36:00] or I don’t want to ask for help? Finding a good job for me. Is it true? So these resistance thoughts can be questioned as well as the actual desire I need, or I want them to hire me so I can question what I can’t control and I can question the reasons why I don’t do what I can do.

And then here’s another example, selling something. Um. What is it that I’m trying to control that I can’t, I want people to buy things for me, so I want them to buy it. Is it true? Just question it outright. And what’s stopping me from doing what I could do? Oh, well, I have my resistances. I, uh, I have studied the product enough.

I’ve already done enough. I don’t wanna do anymore. I don’t wanna research the market. I don’t want to rethink my presentation. That would be things that I could do, but [00:37:00] I don’t want to. So I can question that. I don’t want to rethink my presentation. Is it true? And when you do the work, you know, I’m just giving you the ideas of how you could do the work.

When you do the work and go through the four questions and find the turnarounds, you may start seeing perspectives that really shift how you see that situation. Just seeing what you can and can’t control may be enough. Awareness is everything after all. So when I see that I’m trying to control something that I can’t control, I may stop trying to fight, uh, the reality of it as soon as I see it.

But if I persist, continue fighting, continue arguing with reality, then that’s what the work’s for. That’s what slows it down, brings it into a formal kind of inquiry, and that’s when I can start to loosen this in a more systematic way. The work can hold you when you’re attached and, and it allows you to slowly look at it more [00:38:00] objectively.

The work’s like a just a patient, uh, gentle process that can give you space so that your mind can start to see these new points of view Now. So if you’re interested in doing the work and you want to play with this, um, I encourage you to take the work 1 0 1 course. This is a great way to dive deeper into this process, to learn how to identify stressful thoughts and to go through this questioning process so that you can start to give your mind more options as to what to look at.

And here’s a quote from Byron Katie. And this comes from the book, question your thinking. Change the change the world. For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money, but if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be the problem? Our thinking is all we need to change, it’s [00:39:00] all we can change.

This is very good news.