When Small Events Cause Big Stress: Managing Overwhelm as a Highly Sensitive Person

Client: I have something that came up yesterday and it was, you know, it’s just one of those, uh, it’s kind of fun for me to. Work, you know, on heavy stuff. Not, I mean, it’s hard, but it’s also interesting to work on, uh, incidents that aren’t as heavy, I guess I should say. So just to balance it out, so I was, uh, yesterday, um, over on the, the coast, the Pacific coast and, uh, picking, um, blueberries at this, um, uh, farm jenssen’s, uh, blueberry farm.

And, uh, my first time I’ve done it, so, um, uh. There’s around half a dozen of us picking. And, uh, I said to, um, out loud, I said, so are we supposed to go like for the little berries? Maybe they’re more tasty or the larger ones. And this gal, you know, friend of mine [00:06:00] piped up and said, oh, the larger ones, so I’m continually to pick.

And then I noticed this guy in our group comes over and starts picking on my bush after I said that. And, um, uh. I caught myself going, oh wait a second. You’re not supposed to come on my bush. Just, you know, you got, there’s like, you know, 40 other bushes there to pick on and, uh, I guess I got frustrated ’cause he wasn’t playing by the rules.

I love it. You know?

Todd: Yep. Okay. I do

Client: that other parts of my life where I, you know, there’s these rules that you’re supposed to follow, etiquette and, uh, being, you know, a good neighbor or whatever. And, um, so I was frustrated and I could see that happening and, uh, uh, so. Anyway, I was frustrated at him because he didn’t play by the rules.

Todd: Okay, love it. That’s my stressful situation. Such a, I love these kind of small situations, you know, they’re just so innocent and no big deal. Like you said, there’s nothing heavy about them, [00:07:00] but there’s a lot contained in this little moment. You know, he is picking on my bush. He’s not supposed.

Client: Yeah. And I notice I do this with other people when they’re not, you know, being a, a nice person or, um, a nice brother-in-law or whatever, you know?

Todd: Exactly. All right, well, let’s do the work on it. It’s what, you know, the, the starting point for doing the work. All I need to know is did I get a little trigger, did I get a little bit of stress? Might be tiny, but if I noticed that something got me. That’s gonna be a good little worksheet, so, yeah. All right.

So he’s not playing by the rules, right? Is it true?

Client: Yes.

Todd: Yeah. And can you absolutely know it’s true. He’s not playing by the rules?

Client: No.

Todd: How do you react? [00:08:00] What happens when you think he’s not playing by the rules?

Client: Um, I get frustrated. Uh, I’m kind of giving him the evil eye across the bushes. He can’t see me, but, you know, it’s like, come on, guy. You got all these bushes. Just because I, I, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, you know, so I get defensive and uh, um.

Frustrated. ’cause he is gonna pick the big, the big, the, the bigger blueberries. Uh, I could see him on the other side of the bush and um, you know, he could at least have said hi or something like that, you know, Hey, you know, I’m gonna pick some of these two. But he just went about also going for the, the big blueberries.

So, um, it just reminds me of past images of, um, being in similar. But different situations where I expect people to play by my rules. You know, really they’re my rules there. There’s nothing written, even if I [00:09:00] wanna say it’s a former etiquette that you’d be asked, Hey, can I pick off your blueberries, off your bush?

Um, but you know, I just, my expectation that you don’t do that. He could at least asked. And so, um, yeah, so I, I do that with other people and I don’t, I could see myself doing it. I don’t like it ’cause I don’t feel, it doesn’t feel good. Um, since rather petty, I feel petty about it. And, uh, but I, I also want to clear, I also wanna see that more, um.

I wanna see whatever is happening there. So, um, I see less of it in my life of having these expectations that other people are supposed to act how I think they should act. Yeah. Yeah. So anything else? How you react? What’s that?

Todd: Anything else? How you react when you think he’s not playing by the rules?

Client: Yeah.

Okay. So [00:10:00]

Todd: who would you be picking along on that bush? He comes along, who would you be? And he starts picking the big blueberries on your bush. Who would you be without the thought? He’s not playing by the rules.

Client: I would think, uh, uh. Without that thought, I would think that, wow, this is pretty cool. He is coming to, you know, join me.

I can talk to ’em. And because I don’t, didn’t really know the person that well and, um. So I’m, look, I, uh, am looking forward to this opportunity of, of being able to converse with him instead of freezing up and not saying anything because I can try to project my anger towards him or try to get him to, you know, back off.

So I would feel, yeah, I would feel, uh, open and, uh, yeah, seeing him as a, a person to get to know, uh, need [00:11:00] opportunity and, uh, I’d just be having fun and. Know that there’s 50 other bushes out there and I have no, um, you know, I’m gonna get my, my, uh, coffee can, my folder’s, coffee can, that they, they lend out to people, um, filled up with no problem.

You know, so it’s all, there’s enough for everybody. And, uh, even if there isn’t, um, that’s okay. I’d be happy with a half a can. So. Uh, I feel I’m having fun. I’m enjoying the, just the, the, um, of being out there in the middle of this blueberry field with these bird calls going off to scare the predator birds off, and, um, just enjoying this new experience.

Todd: Hmm. Cool. So turn the thought around is not playing by the rules.

Client: I wanna go back to that last one. [00:12:00] And I also would see, um, that, uh, if I do feel a little pinch of that, that he’s not playing by my rules. It gives me a chance to, um, uh, to do some work on that in the, some more work on that. And, um, dumb.

Yeah, I, uh, get a chance to, um. See where I’m at with my rules and see if I’m getting more, becoming more, um, flex. Just see where I’m at, see if I’m more flexible or, and I can kinda laugh at it ’cause I can, I actually laughed at it during this, uh, of catching myself going, oh, he is not playing by my rules.

You know, I’m kind of joking around with myself and, uh, that’s what I would do.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: And so turn around.

Todd: He’s not playing by the rules. What’s a turnaround?[00:13:00]

Client: It helps me to write it down. Um, uh, I’m not playing by the rules.

Todd: Okay. What could that mean here?

Client: And that would be, um, because there are no rules, there’s not a rule book that I know of. Maybe various, uh, religion books, but, uh, not a book, I think of life on this planet. So, um, yeah, not plain by, so that’s one.

Another would be, um, maybe I’m, I. I’m not playing by his rule. I don’t know if that’s another turnaround. That would be another

Todd: turnaround. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe let’s differentiate between your rules and his rules, and since we started on, I’m not playing by the rules and they were yours, then let’s look for some examples of how you’re not playing by your own rules.

So first step is what are your rules about in that situation? [00:14:00] What were your rules,

Client: um, that you don’t share a bush. I mean, there’s so many bushes that you don’t share a bush unless you ask someone, say, Hey, can I work on this other side of this bush? And he didn’t do that.

Todd: Okay, so how is it? Is it possible?

The turnaround is I’m not playing by my rules, and your rule is don’t share a bush unless you ask. Is there any place where you’re not playing by that very rule that you’re wanting him to play by? I don’t know. Let’s look.

Client: I’m not sure if I got that right. Uh, is there any way that I’m not playing by a rule that I have on him?

Todd: Mm-hmm. Which is don’t share a bush unless you ask. Right.

Client: Yeah.

Yeah. Well, really, these bushes, there’s, they’re all open for anybody. [00:15:00] And, uh. I’m not asking to work on my particular bush. I’m not asking the farmer that if I could, can I pick from this bush? Because they just said, you know, there’s six different species and they’re at different stages of development. I didn’t ask if, is this the one you really want, you know, that we can do and.

Todd: Right, right. Yeah. I mean, if you want to get technical about it, I mean, we’re just being fun here, but if you wanted to get technical about it, you never like asked, is it okay that I start picking on this bush, uh, now? Um, so

Client: yeah, you just, you just

Todd: assumed it was your bush. This is my bush. Right, right,

Client: right.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

Client: I was, uh, yeah. I was uncomfortable because, um, there was nobody, the farmer wasn’t out there, they just had this piece of paper that said, you know, here’s how much it costs and put your berries in. So, uh, [00:16:00] there were no rules. I mean, just those guidances, you know. Um, I mean,

Todd: who knows That bush that you’re picking on, someone else might think that’s their bush.

Yeah. Yeah. They’re coming back later to get, to get the, the mother load of all those blueberries and, uh. Yeah, this is just, I mean, we’re playing with this to, to the extreme, just, um, just to poke at it, right? Like I’m not playing by the same rules

Client: and maybe, um, uh, you know, people should be so far distance.

Either we should all be picking close so we can talk and enjoy the, uh, each other. Or maybe we should be three bushes apart from each other. And, uh. So I’m not playing by the rules of, uh, I would think that everybody should be picking closely together. And I did that for a while, but then I also enjoyed picking them by myself because it was a meditative, [00:17:00] just a meditative process to pick each pluck, each blueberry by, you know, on off, um, uh, into my bucket.

Aside from the bird’s, um, bird recording going off. It’s very meditative. Oh.

Todd: What I’m hearing is that there’s even, your rules are not very clearly defined. Like sometimes it’s together, sometimes far apart. Some it’s just a, it’s kind of a mess of different rules or different, it changes minute to minute.

Client: Yeah, that’s a good point. Because, um, I’m making them up as they go, however, yeah. Whatever suits me. Yeah.

Todd: Isn’t that what we do with rules? A lot of the times we make ’em up as we go along to suit ourselves.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So cool to see, right? It’s not, it’s not that you did anything necessarily wrong or bad or anything, but, but [00:18:00] if you’re making up change, if you’re changing the goalposts all the time or changing the rules as you go, then.

Then that could be as unfair as him breaking one of your rules that you happen to have at that particular moment.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And what other rules are you breaking for yourself? Like, like you were talking ethically and, and on that level? Are there any other rules that might be. That you might be sidestepping or ignoring or something? Yeah,

Client: I’m, um, uh, I know that having rules is really, I get rigid and, you know, with this expectation.

So I’m having a, a rule where, in a way a belief that, um, um, just go with the flow. [00:19:00] Um, you know, it’s just let life flow and, um. Not be so rigid. Yeah. So I wasn’t playing by my rule. Right.

Todd: I mean, isn’t that partly why you were out there to have fun and just kind of go with the flow and

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Enjoy the nature and, and, but yet suddenly the mind became rigid and you started breaking your own rule there.

Yeah, it

Client: was, it was quite aha when that happened. I, you know, here in this idyllic environment and all of a sudden I’m going, I’m going, whoa, this isn’t, you know, this, this isn’t, uh, where’d this come from? Right? That’s what, that’s what it felt like out in the middle of this area. So, um, yeah, yeah, taking life, uh, too seriously, that’s one of my rules.

Trying not to take life, uh, working towards, and that was, uh, I, I took, broke my rule there. [00:20:00]

Todd: Cool. So now let’s go to that other turnaround that you found a minute ago, which is I’m not playing by his rules. And what could be his roles be rules. We don’t know what they are, but let’s guess and see if you might have been breaking some of them somehow.

I don’t know.

Client: Um, that it’s a free for all. Uh, for the blueberries you can do any bush you want. We just kind of go here and then you go over here and maybe you’ll kinda look back and you see another blueberry there. So you go back. So,

exactly.

Todd: So his rule is free for all and he is, and you’re breaking his rule by saying My bush

Client: right. And maybe his rule is to be an opportunist. Hey, if you hear there’s some big blueberries, and then I’m gonna go check this bush out. And. Pluck as many as I can, you know, pick as many as I can from it.

Todd: Yeah, I mean, you were [00:21:00] just talking about the, the big blueberries or the small ones.

So you obviously have some big ones on your bush there. Suddenly he is like, boom.

Client: Yeah,

Todd: yeah. So you’re not playing by his role. What would his role be in that regard?

Client: Um.

I don’t know,

Todd: just building on that opportunist thing. Maybe it’s, uh, something like, uh, uh, people shouldn’t get in the way of a good opportunity, right? People shouldn’t stop me from getting the best blueberries I can find on the farm.

Client: It’s a free for all. It’s uh, free

Todd: for all. Yeah. That’s, that’s everybody out for

Client: themself.

Yeah, exactly.

Todd: Exactly [00:22:00] right. So free for all means free. You can move in any direction, pick on any bush. And you’re saying don’t pick on this bush. You’re breaking his rule of free. Yeah. For Cool. Yep. So is there another turnaround? He’s not playing by the rules.

Client: Let’s see. I’m not playing by his rules. Rules.

Todd: That’s the one we just looked at.

Client: Okay. He’s not,

Todd: what’s the opposite?

Client: Um, he is playing by my rules.

Todd: Okay. How could that be?

Client: Ah, um.

He was playing by my rules.

[00:23:00] Um, that’s a hard one for me. I’m open. Um, he, um,

Todd: is it possible that he’s playing by your rules, ethical rules, even though I. It doesn’t look like it to you. Is it possible he’s holding the spirit of your rules, even though picking on your bush?

Client: Well, he didn’t stay that long, so maybe he kind of thought about it going, oh, you know, I didn’t move in on her bush when she mentioned it, so I, you know, I’m gonna go to a different bush.

Todd: Okay, so that’s one, right? Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: He didn’t pick it clean.

Client: Right,

Todd: right.

Client: And he didn’t get really close to me, you know, like where he was like, we’re competing for the same stem or whatever. Okay.

Todd: Yeah. If you took it to the extreme, he would be on the same branch. Like, no, no, I’m taking that one. No, no, that, that one’s mine.

And he [00:24:00] didn’t do that, so. Okay.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Um, it’s playing by the role. What was your role again?

Client: Um, I. My rule is that, uh, you, he shouldn’t pick on the same bushes, you know, if you say something right. See what is my rule? Yeah. Don’t share.

Todd: Don’t share a bush, bush unless you ask. I think that’s what you’re

Client: saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Todd: Right. So, so how’s it possible in his mind? We just have to imagine that he might have been adhering to that rule. Even though he didn’t actually ask, could there be any way that he would see that as not necessary or something like that In this particular instance, I don’t know, just play it.

Client: Maybe when I raise my voice and ask if what bushes are, uh, what berries I should be picking, which ones are the best, that most [00:25:00] tasty that he, he didn’t, um. He thought that was an open permission to come and use the bush because I divulged that there, I had some large berries on my bush. Yeah, I mean that’s, he just makes if I’m gonna bring it up, well that’s kind of an open invitation.

Todd: Makes sense. And you’re talking so there’s like an involvement there. So he may have thought that those, that those doors were open. Somehow, right. It’s not exactly the way you were picturing it, but for some reason he could have interpreted it that way and not thought he was doing anything wrong there at all.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So what we’re looking for is how he could be wanting to, or even actually playing by your rules, even though it [00:26:00] didn’t look like it to you.

Client: Hmm.

Todd: What’s the spirit behind? Don’t share a bush unless you ask.

Client: Um, it’s, um, that I won’t have enough for myself.

Todd: Mm-hmm. And so why that that eth, you call it ethics, right? So that ethical idea of don’t share a bush unless you ask, don’t come in on, take someone else’s bush. Like what is that about in when you look at it?

Well,

Client: I kind of, it feels like it’s about, um, that I don’t, uh. I’m protect. I need to protect myself because I won’t have enough to survive.

Todd: [00:27:00] Okay. So if that’s the essence of your rule, like having enough to survive, is it possible that he would feel comfortable moving into your bush, um, knowing maybe that there you will have enough to survive?

Client: Yeah. Well, he, yeah, he, I, I, he probably knew that I would have enough berries, if not on this bush, you know, then maybe the next bush, right. And, uh, there was, yeah.

Todd: So if you play out the same scenario in a field where all the bushes have been picked, except this is the last bush. There’s only a few of them left on that bush.

And then he might ask, you never know. He might think, oh, okay, this is [00:28:00] coming down to the end. She’s not gonna, or, and you are about to die. You know, because you’re not, I don’t have anything else to eat that we can imagine that he might not be as aggressive if he knew it was serious.

Client: Yeah,

Todd: so, so again, we’re just playing. Here he is. He is playing by the rules. He may be playing, he may, it’s almost about respect. He may be respecting you even though he comes on your bush without asking.

Client: Right. That’s probably the big caveat right there is he didn’t respect, respect me. He took advantage of me, right?

I imagine. Or he could walk over me or whatever.

Todd: So is that [00:29:00] really what was going on there or is there another way to explain his behavior besides walking on you or taking advantage of you or not respecting you?

Client: You mean like in a positive light? Mm-hmm. Um,

Todd: what could be going on in his mind besides, he

Client: just thought it’d be cool to, um, uh, pick berries on the same bush as me. You know, maybe I gave off some good vibes. And, uh, he just thought he’s having fun. Yeah. I’ll have what she’s having, having fun.

Exactly.

Todd: So one way to interpret it is he, he’s not respecting me. Another way to interpret it is he’s drawn to me. He is. He [00:30:00] wants to have fun like I’m having.

Client: Yeah. Yep. Cool. I like that because that is a, uh. Like, let’s say, um, um, um, an old pattern is to think he’s not respected me and I, and yeah, I could see that he would, uh, that what didn’t cross cross his mind at all.

He was looking, he wanted to be, uh, near me to um, uh, get to know me a little better. Yeah. And just ’cause I looked, maybe I, ’cause he thought I was fun and, uh, it just, I. Uh, made it a more pleasant event situation.

Todd: Exactly.

Client: More fun doing. Just saw how, how fast I was picking berries and he wanted to kind of learn some of my technique

Todd: very possible, right?

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So you assume it’s all about him trying to [00:31:00] take advantage of you. That’s the instant reaction. But it could be something totally different. Like he’s just fascinated by how quickly you pick berries or,

Client: right. He’s just

Todd: curious about how big the berries are on your bush. Or he is just want, he’s kind of just wants to be near you somehow.

Right? All these things are possible when you’re not focused on, he’s not respecting me. He’s not playing by my rules. He’s taking advantage of me. That story.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one we just heard here, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions page and you’ll see there how to sign up, how to get started, um, and. Once you join us, you’ll be able to ask your questions, do the work with me, bring up anything related to the work of Byron Katie.

And it’s a great way of enjoying this work with a small group of us. It’s always limited to seven [00:32:00] people and uh, so you can be a part of that if you choose. I. While you’re at the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to check out the work 1 0 2. If you’ve taken the work 1 0 1 course, then the work 1 0 2 is the next step.

It’s a way of looking not only at how to do the work, how to deal with stress by questioning your stressful thoughts, but how to. Do the work with another person in spoken form like we do here in these open sessions. And so I’m sharing all of my tips, all of my experience of how to work with other people, how to be yourself when you’re working one-on-one with people, both as a client and as a facilitator.

And I think you’ll find a lot of rich material in here as well as a lot of practice in doing the work. So that can be found at the work as meditation.com under the Work 1 0 2. Next I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles [00:33:00] called, the Work is Nothing but a Game of Warmer, colder.

The closer you move to the sun, the warmer it is, the farther you move away from the sun, the colder it’s, did you ever play warmer, colder? It’s a game we used to play as kids and sometimes even as adults. One person is blindfolded and doesn’t know where she is being directed. The other person tries to direct her to an object without giving any clues except warmer or colder.

It’s a way of feeling your way to the object. If she moves closer, the other person says warmer. If she moves away from it, the other person says colder, and pretty soon she zooms in on it. The work is nothing other than this simple children’s game. That’s why children can do the work. You don’t have to be a psychologist or a spiritually wise person to do the work.[00:34:00]

All you have to do is pay attention to warmer, colder, but in the work instead of warmer, colder, it’s peaceful, stressful. If you feel more stress, you’re getting colder. If you feel more peace, you’re getting warmer. It’s that simple. There’s no need to understand why it’s stressful or why it’s peaceful.

Analysis is not needed in the work. Just simple observation and reporting. Does the thought bring you peace or stress? That’s all I really need to know. Moving out of stress is as simple. Again, there’s no need to understand the stressful thought at all. It’s enough to see that it hurts when I believe it, and it doesn’t hurt when I don’t believe it.

All I need to move towards peace is to start moving in the opposite direction. The opposite of colder is warmer, [00:35:00] and the opposite of stress is peace. So by considering the opposite of my stressful thought. Finding examples of how that opposite is true. I’m literally starting to move from colder to warmer, from stress to peace.

I love Byron Kate’s example of the hand and the fire. When you’re unaware that your hand is in the fire, you rail against the pain, you blame God, you feel sorry for yourself. But when you become aware that your hand is in the fire, it takes no time to remove it. This is what the work of Byron Katie does.

It brings awareness. When I’m aware that my thinking causes me pain, I tend to move away from it, and as soon as I do, I feel the coolness of peace again. After that, it becomes almost impossible to put myself back into that pain. Why would I do that to myself? I only put myself in pain when I’m not fully aware of what I’m doing.[00:36:00]

The work. It’s a great way to feel your way to peace. It’s a great way to wake yourself up. And here’s a quote from Byron Katie’s book, loving. What is, if you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No. When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it.

The hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand through inquiry that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it Before the thought, you weren’t suffering with the thought you’re suffering. When you recognize that the thought isn’t true, again, there’s no suffering. That is how the work functions.

How do I react when I think that thought hand in the fire? Who would I be without it out of the flames? We look at the thought, we [00:37:00] feel our hand in the fire, and we naturally move back to the original position. We don’t have to be told, and the next time the thought arises, the mind automatically moves from the fire.

The work invites us into the awareness of internal cause and effect. When we recognize this, all our suffering begins to unravel on its own.

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, uh, post something on social media. Leave a review for the podcast if you haven’t done that, and stop by the work as meditation to get my newsletter and to participate in open sessions like the one you heard here today.

And while you’re there, you’ll also find hundreds of articles on the work of Byron Katie. Uh, information about the courses I offer, the work 1 0 1, the work 1 0 2, as well as my virtual retreats every season [00:38:00] and my ongoing daily practice group. Inquiry Circle, as well as the Breakfast Club. You’ll also find private sessions there.

The Living with Money Course and the Finding the Door to Inquiry book, as well as other programs that I continue to develop. So thanks again for being here. It’s great having you listening, and if anything, you have any questions or you want to actually do the work, then don’t forget to join me for an open session sometime soon.