When You Feel Brushed Off: Inner Work for HSPs Dealing with Disappointment and Distrust

Client: At the end of our conversation, she said something like, I’m just here to get the job done. And I was already, I already had beliefs going in about her and her party and democracy, but then when I heard, uh, her say that, I’m just gonna get the job done, I was like.

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. I call it wiggle room because inside of all of us, every moment is always some wiggle room, always some room to maneuver, always some room to the things in a way that is not stressful. The freedom that we have and this process called the work of Byron Katie is a way of putting yourself back inward [00:02:00] and finding that little bit of wiggle room that is always there and is just waiting to be discovered.

I’m Todd Smith and on the program today, we will be listening to someone doing the work on the thought. This politician only wants to get elected. And I think you’ll find it interesting, relevant, and, uh, that will be the first part of our show. The second part will be a, an article that I read called Why are Some Beliefs So hard to overcome?

So, let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together, A simple, powerful way to question what you think. And here’s our latest weekly open session. Which is a place for us to gather together, do the work together. And I facilitate and answer question. So I share the unedited recording here so that you can experience this as if you were there with us.

Client: Hello. [00:03:00] Thank you. Um, so I guess I’d like to do the work. Something to do with, there’s an election happening and I saw a, my political candidate on a street corner. I stopped to talk to her and then she said, um, at the end of our conversation she said something like, I’m just here to get the job done. And I was already, I already had beliefs going in about her and her party and democracy, but then when I heard, uh, her say that, I’m just gonna get the job done, I was like.

No way. So it’s so clear. Like that belief, but, or, or, so, yes, I’d love your help. I mean, partly it’s like I was trying to be like, see her as a person. Don’t put your screen, don’t, don’t bring your story in. Look at her, listen to her. And then when she said [00:04:00] that, it was like, oh, that, that, there’s no story here.

She’s just like, exactly a stereotypical politician. Saying, not listening to me at all, saying a slogan and so it prop, it corroborated my story.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. Okay. In my mind, yes. So that could be one to question. She’s not listening to me at all. Right. That could be one. It sounds like that’s the, the story that you were holding, that she is stereotypical politician.

Does that feel close to what, uh, what bothered you about that situation?

Client: I think I even almost make it, make it stronger. Like, she doesn’t care about my opinion. She doesn’t care about me. She only wants to get elected. She doesn’t really care.

Todd: Yeah. Okay. So that’s a really good one. Um, yeah, she, so, and I wrote [00:05:00] down these all different phrases.

Like, she doesn’t really, she doesn’t care about my opinion. She doesn’t really care. Uh uh, she doesn’t care about me. Um, she only wants to get elected. So which one feels closest?

Client: How about she only wants to get elected?

Todd: Okay. So is that true? She only wants to get elected.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true she only wants to get elected?

Client: No.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens in that moment and afterwards when you think that she really only wants to get elected? I. She says things like, I’m just here to get the job done.

Client: I feel disgusted. [00:06:00] I feel, um, so annoyed and angry. I feel disappointed. I feel like, oh, I really wanted to, I really wanted to see something else.

I was trying so hard. And, and, oh no, it’s just like I veered. So I kind of felt this like giving up also. Um, there’s no point. It’s so stupid and I felt like the, I just had lost any respect or seeing her as a person just evaporated. I tried to hold it for a moment and it. Couldn’t hold onto her, just this story.

And then I go into the bigger like, oh, election. And then I go into the story of how am I gonna vote? What am I gonna do? And then I go [00:07:00] into why do we, even this democracy, not even a real thing. So I just get totally lost and I leave. The moment I’m walking down the street and I’m not really seeing the street.

Or anything around me. I’m just in this world and I see the past of things that politicians have done that I don’t like the liberal government. So I see Trudeau who wasn’t even there, but I see the Prime Minister in my mind, things he said and did. I feel the anger and upset from those things in the past as those stories play.

I just feel so certain, like, I, like, it’s like, don’t wanna be certain, but am certain. And, um,

yeah. And for myself, I just feel like I’m a, I’m a pawn. [00:08:00] I’m a peon. I don’t matter. Like nobody listens to me. I have no. Role to play. Yeah.

Todd: What’s interesting is to see how, even though you wanted, and were even almost actively trying to see her as a person, once this thought comes in, you can’t hold back the, the, the reaction.

It’s like, oh, she only wants to get elected. And then it’s just all those images come in and, and, uh, yeah, like. You’re gone. Yeah. You get swept away. So this is reaction, it’s such a clear example of it because I think I can relate and I think others can too, of, of hoping that this would be different or something and, and, and then just like, ah, so the [00:09:00] reaction shows you the power of believing your thought like this.

She only wants to get elected. We can add, kind of addressed it, but how do you treat her, at least in your mind after that, when you think she only wants to get elected?

Client: I dismiss her. Um, I dismiss her. I just lump her in. Generic politician. Um, I feel a little angry, personally. Angry at her for disappointing me.

Um, so yeah, if you just, I was, there was like the little space of opening for her as a person just closed. And, you know, as you shared what you heard when I was talking, what I saw was those words, I’m gonna get the job done. My story was like, there, that is real, like. [00:10:00] Not going, there’s no other way to respond to those words.

I’m gonna get the job done. Like, no, it’s like there’s no, um, that’s the moment with the reaction is so, is strong. ’cause the story is so real, it just, there’s no other way to interpret those words in like, happened so fast.

Todd: Right, right.

Client: I was trying And now you said Yeah. So. The reaction just, it just obliterated with those words.

It’s like, I’m, I’m not there anymore. Exactly. It’s just the word.

Todd: That’s the power and belief. Like when I believe something, oh, she only wants to get elected. And even if it’s a subtle belief, I may not be able even to articulate it. It’s there. I feel it. And so when I hear her words, she’s just, I’m just here to get the job done.

And that’s the conclusion that’s coming happen, happening inside. All other things get discarded and it’s like, and she gets discarded. There’s no trying to see her as a person or Right. Be [00:11:00] like, give her another chance or anything. Look, you’re out.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So this, but, but the, the point of this is to see how the mind does this when it’s in reaction mode doesn’t even see, you can’t even, it’s just overwhelmed.

I can’t even think it’s just, yeah.

Client: And it, and it, to me, it shows me as I’m trying to fight, fight it. It’s like it really is her or me. So it has to, I have to dismiss her. Like I’m, I’m, if I allow her to still be human, when she says those words, what, what happens to me?

Todd: Yep. Yeah. Okay. Very clear. So who would you be in that same situation?

When she says, I’m just here to get the job done. If you didn’t have the thought that she only wants to get elected, that wasn’t your conclusion, how would you be?[00:12:00]

Client: I just like, okay, that’s what she’s saying. I’m here to get the job done. If she could mean a million things with that. So it’s just like, just words,

grades sometimes takes me a little, a little moment to,

Todd: yeah, it takes time to answer this question. Who are you sta and sort of be there. That helps when you’re answering this question, be there. Listening to her say, I’m just here to get the job done. And imagine yourself there without any thought of, she only wants to get elected.

What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What’s it like?[00:13:00]

Client: There’s.

It feels a little more peaceful.

Like I, I feel like there’s room for her to mean that like there’s room for her to be, meaning what she’s saying, that that is what she’s here to do. She is there to get the job done. She says something else right after. I just wanna make things a little bit better, and it’s like. Again, there’s room for her to really, genuinely want to do that.

And

I don’t know, it sort of tells, I, I hear [00:14:00] like, hear, okay,

this is what she’s telling me. Not exactly the same as what I’m asking or what I’m looking for, but it’s she, it’s her answer. That is what she’s here to do there to get the job done and to try and make things a little bit better. It’s not my agenda necessarily, um, but it’s what she’s here to do.

And, um.

I feel a little bit of compassion that it’s tough.

I, I, I ran for mayor a few times and, uh, I. Feel [00:15:00] like, oh yeah, people don’t always know what you’re saying and it’s hard when you’re talking to them,

and, uh, I don’t necessarily know what’s going on with her.

I just remember I, I see her more as a human being, like her own person.

Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. So what’s interesting is when you play, when you experiment with not having the thought there, if the thought was not there, you can see how you naturally start to see her as a person again, what you wanted to do when you were believing the thought, right? But when the thought was there, you couldn’t do that because the thought, you know, it overpowered, uh, any desire like that.

So when that, if that [00:16:00] thought was just a thought experiment here, but if you’re not thinking that thought, she only wants to get elected, it starts to calm and settle and you start to actually be yourself and her and her as a person. Uh, and how hard it is to communicate and all of that. So again, both of these questions, three and four show you.

So clearly on an experiential level, the power of believing that thought, she only wants to get elected as soon as I believe that thought boom. Reaction, reaction, reaction. If that thought wasn’t there, the reaction would be much less so how would you turn the thought around? She only wants to get elected.

Client: I’ll start with, I only want to get elected. Because that’s what I want in that situation, is I wanna run everything. I don’t like how everybody does everything. I don’t [00:17:00] like the government, so it’s like I only wanna get elected. It’s like I go to meet her and I’m, I’m thinking I’ll give her a chance. Let me try and participate in this process.

Let me see if I can keep my mind open and, and coner. But really, I still really want to fix everything. Still really don’t like what’s happened in the past and don’t like what her party did. So it’s like I’m going to her wanting to get elected, trying to give her some space, but I only wanna get elected is, um, very true for me as much as I do the work, but, or it over and over again.

Yeah. Did not try and rule the world. I have a lot of me that still wants to change it. And, um, be in power. Um, oh,

Todd: it’s good to see, right? Like this just shows you, shows you that side, that [00:18:00] side of truth there.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: You also only want to get elected. You want her to do what you want done. Um, and

Client: yeah.

Todd: Okay, so keep going.

What else? What other turnarounds do you see? She only wants to be elected.

Client: Well, I’ll try on. She only wants to lose.

Todd: Okay. That would be a turnaround. Does it make any sense to you in that situation?

Client: Well, one thing I don’t know. One thing that just instantly comes in is we’re having kind of a long conversation. I’m trying to get her to understand and. I know that when you’re talking to someone or a politician, you’re always supposed to only talk for a minute or two, not have like a 10 minute conversation.

So she only wants to lose. What comes to me is like, she kind of is ready for this conversation to be over. Okay. Like needs to move on her. People want her to move on. There’s [00:19:00] someone waiting. So if she only wants to lose in that situation, she’s just like, okay. It’s almost like that that thing to say is almost like, let’s wrap this up.

Yeah, I, I would just wanna get the job, so she only wants to lose as in, lose to me, whatever, even lose to my image of her. Just like, fine. Yeah, that’s me. Um, yeah, let’s get this conversation over with.

Todd: Yeah. Here’s the soundbite. Goodbye.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. So that’s, that’s kind of interesting. Yeah. Maybe she’s not as worried about.

Saving your opinion of her or winning you over this particular case just doesn’t fit in with the overall, uh, bigger plan of how she’s trying to campaign or who knows,

Client: right?

Todd: Yeah,

Client: yeah, yeah. That it’s sort of like, it’s an interesting way of looking at her trying to finish the conversation instead of her trying to win.[00:20:00]

He’s actually trying to be like, yeah, you’re right, like. This was over kind of thing. Yeah, you’re right. Almost it al

Todd: it also gives some room for the possibility that she may not be so, uh, you know, like she may not be, she may have given you something that you would say she’s losing. Um, but she may not actually stand, that may not be her full policy thought.

Right. She may actually be, uh, more. Open to where you want things to go, then you would find out in that particular interaction.

Client: Right, right.

Todd: So,

Client: um, and then, so I only want to get elected. She only wants to lose, and then I guess she doesn’t only want to get elected. Mm-hmm. That’s just let her in as a whole person.

[00:21:00] Even if she really, really, really wants to get elected, even if she sell, like even if that is very important to her, like we’re, all of us human beings want a lot of thing like our family friends to be liked. Who doesn’t like that isn’t just her And, and I and I, very easy for me to think politicians are just politician and there’s not anything else to them.

She doesn’t only want to get elected, you know, she’s gonna go home, she’s gonna have to sleep and eat, and

she doesn’t only wanna get elected. It’s like remembering that, like, it’s like just seeing how many lay layers I have of this belief that make it, that make it so easy to forget that there she’s more than a politician, no matter how much she wants to win, no matter how. Even if she is being glib or whatever it is that [00:22:00] I’m judging, like that is not her.

That is not all of her. Yeah. And our goals sometimes reflect what other other things going in within us. So if she doesn’t only wanna get elected.

Todd: So what are, you mentioned a few of them. What are some of the other possible things that she may, she may be wanting besides just to get elected?

Client: Well, I mean. Looking in my own mind for when I wanna get elected. Like she doesn’t only wanna get elected. She could want, uh, she could believe in that it’s good policy that she believes in, that she wants to be part of the political process ’cause she believes that she can help. Yeah. That is. I think a lot of people, when I don’t agree with their policies, I think that they’re in it for something else, but they believe in their policies, I think.[00:23:00]

Um, so she wants to make life better. She doesn’t only wanna get elected. She might want respect, she might, might want to be valued, she might want to be accepted. Um.

If you might wanna help the party, it’s an important by-election. Mm-hmm. Like get elected for a bigger cause as well. Um, so yeah, there’s like being elected, getting, getting more power, being accepted, being looked up to all those things could be. Her mind or many people’s mind has a really nice benefit of being elected.

It’s just social. Social structure. Social acceptance. Yeah.

Todd: What are some of the other things she could have meant when she said, I’m just here [00:24:00] to get the job done? Besides what you were thinking,

Client: I guess to just. It’s a job being an elected representative and do doing the job, you know, actually doing the job, um, growing up, doing votes, reading policy, talking to constituents,

making sure things get done.

Just fill a role like public service. People who believe in this idea of public service that someone needs to do it. Like, gee, I, I’m here to get the job done. I’m, I’m here. I wanna do this job that needs to be done, and I wanna, you know, I wanna, I wanna get it done.

Todd: Yeah, that’s like, it’s the same thing, but the weight is different.

Instead of [00:25:00] just get elected, I wanna just get elected and then collect all my benefits from being elected. Yeah, those are there. And they may be, may want those too, if I’m a candidate. Right. But I also just want to get the job done in the sense of, I wanna actually set myself to the task that, as far as I see, what is the best way to solve to, or to Yeah.

Do the job. Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So it, it becomes less of a flippant remark or a, or a soundbite or something. Right. It actually could have meaning, um, in the deeper level that that is good to see because then, then the respect can creep back in, even though you may not fully respect her, but there’s, there can be like, oh, okay, well, according to her values, she is trying to get the job done.

And it may, you could take it as more sincere.

Client: Yeah. And I, I mean, there’s so many, um. [00:26:00] It’s like, it’s a hard, it’s a hard job to do when people have so many beliefs about you also, and like, I just see how, how many beliefs are wrapped up in this? So many, so that’s like, she was the, the, the, the gateway or whatever.

Like, okay, let’s pass on her. But it’s like, that’s not her, all of that stuff. She just filled the, that role. But it was like all this stuff before. Even seeing her and I just see how many stories I have that are like hard, that hard to let go of. Yeah. So good to meet her and how would hit me in the face and see how I don’t see her.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just as a kind of a separate exercise, what are some of the beliefs that you. That you bring in, um, that colored this situation for you,[00:27:00]

Client: like that government is, is, um,

too much government, too much micromanagement, bureaucracy, um, and just that politician in general. Don’t wanna help that they want to, um, like that, they want to, uh, they just care about themselves

and that we shouldn’t have government also. Mm-hmm. This election is wrong. And it fake also, this is fake elections are, are a sham. [00:28:00] Like there’s, I could use up the next seven session with them all.

Todd: Yeah, I wrote some of those down because those are really good, uh, kind of underlying beliefs that are sitting here in this same situation.

There are variations on what you already were working on. She only wants to get elected. It’s saying something similar to she’s only wanting to take care of herself. Um, you know, and, and politicians don’t really want to help or things like that, but all of these thoughts, they’re what you brought to that situation.

And then when she said her little bit about, I’m just here to get the job done. It just awakened those and now it’s there. So if you want to, to do more work on it, it can be really interesting to question some of these other other thoughts. You know, you know, politicians don’t wanna help there. There’s too much micromanagement in government.

Uh, uh, [00:29:00] elections are a sham. Um, all of this and not for any other purpose than to. Loosen up what’s inside of you, right? This is when we do the work. We’re not actually making any, doing any political activism. We’re trying to change the world in any way. This is just about me and my beliefs and what’s causing me to get tight and and stressed or reactive.

And so I can take any of these and you could take any of these. I’ll send them to you, which will give you a chance to just. Unravel a little more, these thoughts that make politics, uh, stressful. And then if there’s less stress in politics on your side, there can be a much cleaner engagement with the politicians.

With government, even if you were running for an office, there’s an ability to do it with [00:30:00] more clarity because the. The stress isn’t there, uh, connected to these kinds of thoughts, and we all have ’em. So it’s a great opportunity and I love that you brought it up because it’s something that can inspire all of us to do, uh, a little work on politics.

It’s, it’s a stressful area, you know, it can be really struck. So thank you. Really good talk. Yeah. Okay. Anyone have anything to add to what we were just talking about or anything to share? Uh, before we close,

Client: I can add one more thing if no one else has something.

Todd: Sure.

Client: Just that I notice, uh, one of the blockages to questioning my stories is that, is maybe just another belief that I don’t matter. Like, and if. If they get to not be wrong, [00:31:00] it’s like information that I don’t matter, I don’t have avoid.

Todd: Yeah. So that’s a common, um, kind of doubt or, or, or issue that people sometimes have with the work and uh, it can be, you know, we tend to think in black and white a little bit, all of us.

It’s like if, first of all, they’re wrong. I’m right, they’re wrong. That’s where we start, and then we kind of turn it around and like, oh wait, they’re right. I’m wrong. You know, like that’s 180 degree flip. That actually feels just as, as stressful because I, I’m now blaming me instead of blaming them and it doesn’t feel right.

Also. And so for me, that’s not the, the, that’s not the subtlest way to do the work of Byron Katie, but like, yeah, I’m doing it, but I’m kind of flipping from one. Dream to the other.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: The way I like to think of these turnarounds is as a [00:32:00] balancing act. And so originally I’m thinking they’re wrong and then I’m finding like, oh, I had some part there too, but I’m not going all the way.

I’m like, yeah, okay. I can see myself that I’m not that different from them, or I can see that we’re both have some wrong there, we have some, right. We’re both human beings. Um, and there’s kind of a leveling that happens. And there’s a big difference between blaming myself and taking responsibility for my own happiness.

And that’s all the work is about. It’s not about blaming, not about making myself wrong, it’s just about, wait a minute. If I have some role to play in my internal experience, then that means I have more power than I thought. I thought I was powerless against something. And now I can start to see where even if they don’t change, I could still be happy.

Mm-hmm. That’s the point of the [00:33:00] work. Right? So it’s a balancing thing, not a, it’s not a, um, yeah. So easy to go black and white. Um, and it’s natural and it takes a while to balance that. Just like if you’re a tightrope walker, it’s easy to balance too far and then go too far and then fall off the wire and all of that.

So. Practice makes perfect. And eventually, if you’re aware of this idea, you may be able to hold two opposites together. Like they’re right and I’m right. Um, or they’re wrong. And I’m wrong. And that’s a more expanded point of view. That’s what I’m looking for in the work of Byron Katie. A meditation. So meditation means expansion of the mind, expansion of the heart, and to expand, I have to go from seeing just one point of view.

It’s not enough to just go from one point of view back to the other, to the other. It’s like I’m still looking through a tiny little hole. But really expanding means opening the, the hole big [00:34:00] enough that I can see both points of view in one, in one view. And that’s for me, where that balance comes in, where that feeling of, oh, okay, right, she’s trying her best, I believe differently.

I’m not wrong. I’m not, I have no need to cut her down. Uh, I’m like, we’re both have valid points. Um, that, that’s all I see. The work as is a leveling the playing field, period. But it takes time, you know, and sometimes, uh, when you’re, when you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to. It’s hard to go there, but that’s where you’re looking for, that’s where being with a facilitator can support also.

’cause if you start beating yourself up, you can, you can get nudged back to, uh, holding the balance again. But, um, that’s the general idea.

Client: I, I just thank you so much for saying about the power [00:35:00] of internal happiness. Just completely opened it up for me like. Still thinking about me being power, having power on the outside world, but when you said that about like what kind of power really mattered and that I might have some power over my own happiness, that was like, well that’s still great.

Todd: Yeah, yeah. I’m into that. You know, like that. If you really get that, like really get that you can never be a victim of anything. Right. You’re absolutely. You’re free. There’s nothing anyone can do. Even if they physically bind you, contain you, even kill you. Yeah. There’s, there’s nothing you can, they can do to change your internal experience and that the work, the work is only about internal experience.

Client: Yeah. Thank you.

Todd: Awesome. And it’s easy to confuse with politics because when you’re working with politics, um, we’re talking about changing the outside, right? We’re talking about actually improving [00:36:00] the world and these are valid things to do and valid causes to get behind. And, and real change happens in the world because of political activism.

And so that is. That’s where the focus is when we come into it, especially with, uh, doing the work on a politician in this case. But what you have to remember when you’re doing the work is that even though we’re working on something external, like pol politics, what we’re really working on is an internal experience and how can I be happy whether the politics goes well, according to my opinion, or goes poorly according to my opinion.

And if I can be happy with. Either way, then I’m free inside, but I can still be fighting for what I believe in on the outside. So they’re two different things.

Yeah, it, it’s, it’s fun because it [00:37:00] opens up a new dimension. It’s not just, uh, who’s right or who’s wrong on a particular playing field. In this case politics, it’s more, um, it’s more like, how can I be free? And fight for what I believe. You know, like that’s, that’s the best of both worlds.

Client: Mm-hmm.

Todd: And how can I, even if I fight for what I believe, how can I be free even if I lose, you know, like even if I’m turn out to be powerless or something.

Mm-hmm. Um, how can I still be happy? Because it’s easy to be happy when you win. Can you still be happy when you lose? That’s what the work is all about. If it’s not about making myself wrong, it’s about dis disconnecting myself from the winning and losing, so that I’m not dependent on that, that up and down variable.

Um, and I’m just able to, to be myself, uh, even when, when, uh, people don’t understand, people don’t listen to me. People, [00:38:00] people don’t, don’t, you know, act the way I would wish them to.

Client: Thank you. Wonderful.

Todd: Yeah, really thank you. My pleasure.