Why HSPs Can’t Just “Let It Go” When They’re Not Heard—And What Actually Helps Manage the Overwhelm

Client: Um, this is one that just happened this morning. I kind of set the stage as I, I woke up in the middle of the night kind of unrest. I wasn’t restful, so I got up and uh, I could just feel like I was just off my nerves just kind of felt a little restless and, uh. So I’m in the kitchen and I’m, it was in the morning and starting breakfast, and I looked outside at this retention wall that, uh, my husband and his son has been building and it’s just about done.

And I noticed there was a gap between the neighbor’s fence and ours. And, uh, from the top of it’s just a retaining wall. We have some vegetation growing on it. I can’t get too detailed. But anyway, um, my point is, is that there was a little gap and an animal could get through it. And so I was, I remember being out there.

It was a nice sunny day. Just last, uh, [00:04:00] last week, uh, going, we were all kind of discussing all three of us What. What, uh, what needed to be done. And so we just kind of came up with some options and I, I remember just saying, I really wanna make sure that there can be no, well avoid as much as possible. Uh, animals coming in between that there’s no kind of open space where a raccoon or a dog could get in.

And they said, okay, so when I looked out this morning and I, they’re just about done and it’s not at the level. That I, I, I shared with them. Um, it just, I just felt very, uh, I was just upset.

Todd: Yeah. Okay.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Great situation. Great situation. So what is, or what are the stressful thoughts here? Let’s brainstorm a little bit.

What are your thoughts here that are [00:05:00] making this stressful?

Client: My thought is they didn’t listen to me.

Todd: Nah. Yeah. I love it. Okay, so let’s do it. They didn’t listen to you. Is it true?

Client: Yes. Evidence. Mm-hmm.

Todd: There’s the whole, right. Do I need to say anymore?

So can you absolutely know it’s true they didn’t listen to you?

Client: Uh, no. I absolutely don’t know. It’s true.

Todd: So how do you react? What happens when you’re looking out through the kitchen window? I assume looking at the the wall, seeing the gap and remembering the [00:06:00] conversation. How do you react when you think they didn’t listen to you?

Client: Um, my body just, uh, I don’t know, it was from lack of sleep, but I just felt this hole, my gut and everything just clinched, and I just, uh, it just, I just felt very, um, almost outta control. I just felt kind of like. I had to really hold myself together. ’cause I would just like, just to say, you know, start cussing or something.

So my husband’s trying to explain himself and justify himself and I just said, you know, I don’t wanna deal with it right now. And so, um. It just, it’s just frustrating, you know? I, I think, uh, I thought I shared with ’em enough and I thought I made it. It really emphasized that point. And they probably listened to me, [00:07:00] but maybe they forgot or they thought this was what was needed.

And I did say that, uh, uh, you know, here’s my thoughts on that. And that’s just, yeah, I just felt like I wasn’t listened. It’s, and, uh, that they knew best and they had their reasons and they kind of discounted me.

Todd: So how do you react when you see ’em doing that? Discounting you, not listening to you, what happens inside of you?

Client: I just get tense and I just feel, oh, um, happens to me is I just want to not deal with it. Just, just go with what, what it is. I’m not gonna deal with it. Maybe it’s just trivial and, yeah. Yeah.

Todd: So how are you treating yourself then?

Client: [00:08:00] Well, um, I, uh, with a closed heart, it closes my heart, you know, I’m trying so hard to open it and to, um. Feel safe and, uh, something like this happens and I just, uh, yeah, it makes me want to, um, just close up and,

Todd: yeah,

Client: not put myself out there. It’s easier if I just avoid. That’s my thinking. Mm-hmm. And I don’t want that.

I wanna be open and, you know, be able to laugh about it. And, uh, I get disappointed that I’m not able to, um, be flexible and fluid and being able to roll with it. I just feel real rigid. And,

Todd: and how do you treat your request, um, when you think they didn’t listen to it? [00:09:00]

Client: How do I treat my requests, the original

Todd: request to them for having space there in the wall?

Client: How do I treat them or how do you

Todd: retreat, sorry. How do you treat the, the, uh, the request that you made, the desire that you have for that to change? Uh, how do you treat that part of you when you think they didn’t listen to me?

Client: Well, I, I treat it with frustration, um,

disappointed. Um. Wondering how I could have done it better? How, how, how I could have been more clear. [00:10:00] Um,

it didn’t help when I went out there to, um. Talk with him that my husband said. Um, okay, here comes the boss. And, uh, so I said something to him later about that, like, you know, it’s really demeaning when you, when you say that. And uh, so I kind of still have that a little bit there, that, um, being a woman not being listened to.

Todd: Yeah. So how do you treat them? Including your husband, when you think that in the end they didn’t listen to you, how do you treat them in your mind if, if, you know, you may not be saying anything to them?

Client: Um, I, the word prickly comes up. Uh, I don’t know. Mm-hmm. Um,[00:11:00]

um.

I am not as open. And, um, I mean, it was a very relaxing situation we had, and I, I’m, uh, I treat them, uh, in my mind. Um.

Not trusting that they, not trusting that they will follow with what I want. Um, somehow incorporate it into what they want to do. And I’m like, yeah, I’m not listened to and you know, I it, you know, we need to do our, we need to pull our bathtub out and replace it. Um. Aaron wants to do it and I, I don’t want him to do it because if he doesn’t listen to me, I mean, come on.

So, yeah. So [00:12:00] I guess it’s distrust. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been really hard on, on I, that’s the frustrating thing is I just felt like I’m back to ground zero in some ways. Maybe not though, all the way back to ground zero, but I think I’m getting it and you know, I’m opening and. Opening myself up and, um, being Yeah.

Flexible and all that stuff. So I’m disappointed in myself.

Todd: So distrusting them.

Client: Yeah. Not cutting myself much slack. Mm-hmm. You know,

Todd: disappointed in them, and I’m disappointed in you and distrusting of them. Right. That’s the

Client: Yeah, yeah. Reaction. It’s almost like my mind or some of my ego saying, see, you know, whatever you do, you know, it’s right.

That’s the way it, that’s the way it is. And I was like, no way. I don’t believe that. But then there’s still, you know, still that, um, that ingrained part of my [00:13:00] brain that’s just stills. That that’s the way it is. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah. So why bother? Right. That’s like,

Client: yeah. I mean, yeah. Feels like it. Yeah. Then the other part of me is wrestling with that saying, no way I’ve done that enough.

Been there, done that. I’m not gonna go there. Yeah. So that’s, that’s why I’m doing this worksheet ’cause you know, I wanna, uh, call it.

Todd: Okay, well

Client: let’s keep

Todd: going.

Client: And by the way, I’m really hot and sweaty right now.

Todd: No, you got a good one.

Client: I just feel like

Todd: we got a live one. So who would you be in the same situation looking out, seeing that, that space, that gap between the walls, and remembering that you had asked them explicitly not to have anything that animals could get through, who would you be seeing that [00:14:00] without the thought they didn’t listen to you?

Client: I would look out the window and I would say, oh, that’s interesting. Uh, maybe they have a different idea of, of how they can keep the animals out that I can’t see. Yeah. That would be my initial reaction. Isn’t that interesting? I like that. Jumping to conclusion. Yeah. Isn’t

Todd: that interesting? Maybe they have a different idea of how to keep

Client: Yeah.

Maybe.

Todd: Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah, it could work. Um, I just, you know, don’t see it, so maybe I just needed to point it out to me. Right.

Todd: How are you engaging with them in your mind without the thought that they didn’t listen to you?[00:15:00]

Client: Well, I take this as a, uh, incident or in time I wouldn’t do my big umbrella kind of thing. That’s, you know, that I. Adds to the, um, support or the, the, uh, evidence that this is always like this or whatever. I’m not using that word always. So, um, I would just say, okay. Um, and, and I would look at it and say, well, you know, Randy said we could put some chicken wire on top.

I’m sorry, but I was like, no. You know, it’s like, yeah, I, uh, I, anyway, so. They’ll probably come up with something that will help keep the animals, uh, any kind of animals that coming in. Uh, but who would you be

Todd: seeing that your wish has not been [00:16:00] fulfilled, but not so much focused on? They didn’t listen to me without that story.

They didn’t listen to me. But you still see that your wish wasn’t fulfilled. W. How would you be? How would you, what would you be thinking or, or planning if you weren’t so much focused on They didn’t listen to me.

Client: I think that there was, um, I would think, uh, one that they probably got really excited about doing the project and, um, it looked really good. But, um, that they just, uh, they forgot it, you know, that happens. Human nature, they didn’t really remember to do that. They just already, yeah. And, uh, that happens. Um, I [00:17:00] wouldn’t take it personally.

Um, I would, if I could use the word, I would just see that they’re doing the best that they can. I mean, they’re not professional, um, carpenters and, uh. Maybe they didn’t have the big picture. I don’t know if I addressed your, your question Well, I like where you went around. It’s

Todd: who you are without the thought.

It’s very clear. Um, the only thing I would ask, which I think what I was asking is then what would be your next steps without the thought that they didn’t listen to you?

Client: Well, I’d ask him, um. You know, I, I would say I, good job. It looks really nice. Is there a way that we could also, um, is there a way that we could make it, uh, impenetrable, you know, [00:18:00] against animals? Yeah. And not tell ’em what to do. I mean, they already have the post in, they can’t go one higher. Um, so, but you know, they’re pretty creative.

They could come up with something else. Yeah. And it’s, it’s not like it’s, you know, really crucial,

Todd: but what I’m hearing from you is that you would be, uh, bringing it up again as opposed to just shutting down and saying it doesn’t matter. Um, like there’s a, without the thought, they didn’t listen to me.

Like that, that thought is a very disempowering thought. They didn’t listen to me, so now why bother even voicing anything? But if you’re not thinking that thought, what I’m hearing bits and pieces of is that you would be, uh, bringing it up again and saying, is there any way that we can, but it’s still grateful for what they’ve done.

Right. It’s a, it’s interesting. [00:19:00]

Client: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Todd: This thought has the effect of focusing on that feeling of powerlessness that comes from, uh, well, that comes along with not being listened to or it can come along with that. So the focus is all on that. And then what can you do? You’re just powerless without it.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: There’s, there’s. There’s still possibilities, um, or at least you’re still in conversation with them. So how would you turn the thought around? They don’t, they didn’t listen to me.

Client: This is okay. This is hard for, okay. Take it easy. Because when I said they did, I’ll start it with I didn’t listen to me. Okay. That’s a

Todd: good place to start. Yeah. I didn’t listen to me. [00:20:00] So is there any way that that could be true in this situation?

Client: By not being clear enough. By not being clear. Okay. By not state clearly what I I wanted and maybe even having them repeat it. ’cause there were a lot of ideas going around. Uh, I thought I was being clear, but I didn’t listen to me by. Pausing and saying, okay, I just wanna make sure that whatever you guys do, if you’re gonna do it concrete or wood or whatever, that we, I have that gap there.

I mean, that gap is not there anymore, you know, to let the animal in.

Todd: Okay. So you didn’t listen to you to [00:21:00] make sure that you were making it super clear. Clear? Mm-hmm.

Client: Yeah. And I, I think some of it I was also, um, practicing on not being so detailed and so, um, telling them what to do. Yeah. That’s kind of my, that’s my fallback.

Todd: Interesting.

Client: So I was, I was. Acting flexible and that wasn’t, you know? Right. How does that work? By acting, you’re

Todd: trying to, yeah, you’re acting flexible and instead you were just not listening to you or not really expressing what was important to you, and later it comes back to haunt you because it really was important to you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Client: Yeah.[00:22:00]

You know, it’s just a fine line for me when you’re working with a, let’s say a father or son out there, and I don’t wanna like get in their business, but I also wanna make sure that they know, uh, my primary things that I want.

Todd: So let’s look at that. In that situation, what is your business and what is their business when you’re asking them for this?

Not this thing, to not have a, this fence, not to have a gap in it. What is your business? What is their business?

Client: My business is to, um,

be true to, to my heart and to come from that and not be in their business of, of I wanna be, uh, flexible. Uh, come, I wanna come across as flexible and, um [00:23:00]

Todd: Right.

Client: Easygoing.

Todd: That’s totally in their business. Right. You’re trying to come across as flexible, easygoing, you know, I was

Client: trying it out and, you know, yeah.

Todd: Huh? Their business is what they think of you. They’ll either think you’re flexible or think you’re the boss, or think you’re, they’re

Client: regardless, right?

Todd: That’s their business. But if you’re trying to manipulate how they see you, then you’re in their business. Your business is just simply to express what is your truth.

Their business is to accept what you suggest or not. Um, your business is to bring it up again or continue the negotiation. Their business is to bring up their side, but as long as you’re staying in your own business, then you’re on safe ground. You can, a discussion can ensue.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: So. So I didn’t listen to me.

I think that’s a really good turnaround here. Um, [00:24:00] just it gives you, it kind of points to a living turnaround for future situations or even this situation is to keep listening to yourself. And if something isn’t, uh, something isn’t satisfied, then to keep asking or keep the discussion open and to keep, uh, exploring.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Without manipulating. Right. So interesting. Okay, so what’s another turnaround? They didn’t listen to me. Turnaround to the other.

Client: Okay. I didn’t listen to them. Okay.

Todd: So how could this also be a part of the equation? Possibly. I,

Client: um. I just caught myself crossing my arms and killing.

Todd: Yep. Yep.

Client: Like, no, come on, Sue. Um,[00:25:00]

well, by not listening to them saying that. It really doesn’t matter. I mean, the animal’s gonna get in either way. There you go. Yeah. And I thought I expressed it, but uh.

I didn’t listen to them.

Todd: They basically were saying, we don’t accept your suggestion. That we’re, we’re saying. Yeah. But, and they’re, they’re overriding it in, in a way. So if you didn’t

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Keep going. If you stopped at that point, then they, it lands with we’re not gonna do that.

Client: Yeah. Yeah. I would think, I was hoping that it would all turn out okay.

Right,

Todd: right. So that’s really key here is [00:26:00] actually listening to them and what are they actually saying? They’re saying, oh, it doesn’t really matter now. It’s no wonder that they didn’t build it.

Client: Yep. I, it really seems more, uh, it seems clear. Voice saying that and I discounted it. Thinking, you know, coming back and saying what I did and there was really no, probably no agreement.

Todd: Yeah, exactly. There wasn’t, if you really listen, there wasn’t a full agreement there. You mentioned something from your side. Yeah. They said, ah, that’s not really important, and you left it there. And so that’s the way it ended up.

Client: Yeah, I think I thought that once I, I said it again that it would sink in, but they were also not listening.

Todd: Right, right. To me. So if you were to do that again, and as if this, if you were back in the same situation again, and they did that, they said, oh, well, you know, animals are gonna get in anyway. Uh, [00:27:00] and then you bring it up again. They still don’t really listen. And sort of at that point you dropped it. What, what options could you do if you were doing it again to actually come to some sort of agreement?

Client: Um,

I could, um, I.

I could draw out a diagram of what I think it should look like. I mean, at least what I think it should look like. So they all were on the same page. Um, I could, um,

maybe, uh, go over to the fence and put my hand o on it. And say, this is the part I thought I did, but I was saying it from a distance. And I think if I would’ve put it, uh, on the fence and say, this area really want to have [00:28:00] covered up. Hmm.

Todd: Yeah.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: Really cool options. You’re being, it’s like, like you’re showing them something and so.

This turnaround is saying, I didn’t listen to them. How could I listen to them to make sure that they’re getting what I’m telling them and maybe be more explicit if necessary. Um, and maybe they say, well, actually we disagree with you, and we would rather, we don’t think that’s not a good idea. Then what would be your option then, if that, if it came to that?

Client: That’s a good question. I mean, that’s a good thought of, um, what would I do? Um,

um, I would probably come back and say, um,[00:29:00]

well, you know, I’d explain again about the animals, why I don’t want them in the yard, and ask them what. Um, what do you think that, what could you guys do to, to prevent that from happening? Yeah. Let them come up with it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And look them in the eyes. Mm-hmm. Because I probably didn’t do that. It was, yeah.

I was probably afraid to ask for what I wanted. I mean, I made my point, you know, kind of here it is. Uh, and hoping that they would, um, come up with what I wanted. Right.

Todd: They would pick it up and run with it. Right. That’s the, that’s the hope. Yeah. So, but they’re not, they haven’t been sold out on the idea, and so just throwing it out there, they’re just like, oh, okay, well that’s interesting, but we’re not interested [00:30:00] and.

That’s exactly right. So you have to be more convincing if it’s gonna be, if they’re going to, if you want them to actually do that work for you, and who knows what that would look like. It might be, yeah.

Client: Yeah. I talked to them more about it, and so we both finally say the same thing. Okay, we’re going to make sure that the animals can’t get in, instead of kind of leaving up the air, hoping that they have.

They’ll, they’ll, um,

Todd: do it. So all this comes out of this turnaround that, that, that I didn’t listen to them. I didn’t really listen to the fact that they didn’t really, they weren’t on board. Um, right. And so if I listen in that negotiating or explaining or proposing process and I see that they’re not, then I can bring more to the table to make sure that at least I’m fully presenting myself and I’m doing my best job.

Possible [00:31:00] to, um, to be persuasive. And ultimately, if they are just really, it’s just a no, then we’ll look at other options. Or maybe I do have to compromise or something like that. It’s possible. Yeah. But it’s like, this is like giving up too early, like, oh, here’s my, here’s my desire and then I gotta go and, and then I hope they do it.

Um, so. Okay, so another turnaround. Very

Client: good point. Um, they

Todd: didn’t listen to me.

Client: Uh, they did listen to me. Okay.

Todd: How could that possibly be true in this situation? May or may not be, but take a look.

Client: Well, they considered it, they did hear me and they considered it. Um, and they had their mind made up or they, or, you know, their.

They figured that this would, this would work out, right? Yeah.

Todd: [00:32:00] Those are all quite possible plausible ideas that could be going on for them. They hear you, they think there’s another way to do it, or they, it was who knows to complicated for them or, or who knows, whatever. They just didn’t think it was that important or

Client: no, they, they thought the bushes that we just planted, I would take care of it when they got big.

Huh. There you go. But right now it’s like, no, the animals can, you know, they just had their own, they had their own, uh, reasoning.

Todd: Yep. Yep. Yeah. And why is it understandable that they would, um, have their own reasoning in this case?

Client: Um, why is it understandable that they would have their own reasoning? What’s ’cause, uh, well, um.

Todd: Why would they not want to put the gap there? Possibly.

Client: Mainly because they didn’t think it was [00:33:00] necessary.

Todd: Yeah. So the basic thing that you’re seeing, the importance of it, they’re not seeing, so they haven’t really been sold on the idea.

They’re just not. Buying it. So then why would they go to extra effort to do something that doesn’t seem to be that important according to how they’re seeing it at the moment.

Client: Yeah. Yep.

Todd: So it’s logical. I mean, we’d all, we all do what we think is important, um, and we try to not do what we don’t think is important.

Um, yeah. So they did listen to you, they just had a different conclusion based on what you said. Mm.

Client: Right. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That, uh, helps shift, um, my thinking on that is that they did listen to me ’cause it felt like, it seemed like they listened to me, but they had a different conclusion.

Todd: Yeah. And they may have [00:34:00] been listening to other things too, like your, the way you presented it, the.

The fact that you just kind of threw it out there and then backed off, or like they might have thought concluded, that’s not that important to her after all, you know, you never know just the way body language is or the way you present it. It may not, they may not get, like, she’s passionate about this.

Like, there’s, there’s one thing I want before, you know, before anything else is to have this no gap. Uh. They may not have, and I don’t know, I’m just guessing here, but there could be other things that they were listening to besides just, uh, the idea that you presented. Right.

Cool. Well, thank you. Thank you. Your work. It’s a great situation. I love the. Concreteness of it, uh, pardon the [00:35:00] pun, but the, you know, really down to earth, uh, again, pardon the pun aspect of this little specific situation. It’s, it is like, there’s,

Client: yeah, it really surprised me how I just went zing, you know, zinger just, yeah.

Todd: Wow. That’s what you can trust when you get zinged like that, even though it seems minor, it’s nothing. It’s just, I’m here in the kitchen, some little fence thing, who cares? It’s not the most important thing in my life in that moment. It, it is, and it, it contains so much and there’s so much just in this little piece of work about communication and listening to myself and listening to others and.

Understanding their point of view and. Just, there’s so much contained in there, so I love that you brought it and thank you for sharing it. Thank you.[00:36:00]