Why HSPs Sometimes Overreact—And How Inner Work Helps Ease Fear Without Forcing It

Client: [00:00:00] I guess I have all this training of if you make a mistake, people die. And so I’m sitting on this other end of this thing and I’m not gonna die if I don’t do this test. I’m not, you know, but my first thought is that person could have killed me by being so, so nonchalant about something that was important.

You know, 

Todd: welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around. And we use the work of Byron Katie, which is a way to question any kind of stressful thought and look for new ways of seeing that same stressful situation in a new light. I’m Todd Smith, and on the program today, a participant does the work on a.

Situation where she was. Feeling like this person [00:01:00] is gonna kill me. Um, basically because, uh, they were really slow in dealing with a medical kind of situation. Um, so we’ll look at that. And before that, there’s a great question about, um, basically how to get a little closer. To what’s actually bothering you when you’re filling out a judge your neighbor worksheet.

So there’s some great question, uh, questions about that, and there’s, there’s kind of interesting discussion, so. That’s what’s coming up for you. And what we’ll do is I’m gonna play the recording of the open session from this week, and that’s always the first part of these podcasts, and you’ll get to hear exactly everything that, um, went on in that open session.

Then after that, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles, and this one is called When Not To Do the Work. So some interesting things coming up and let’s just dive right.[00:02:00] 

Client 2: I’m happy to either do the work and, and or just ask a question. 

Todd: Okay. Sure. Yeah. What, what comes up first for you? 

Client 2: Yeah, well, I wrote a worksheet, um, and I’ve got a situation and, um, as I was writing it. Um, in the needs section, um, I started to notice maybe deeper thoughts and feelings arise. And it seems like you, you’ve got a lot of great templates for how, how to maybe flesh out, um.

Really flesh out the thoughts and like kinda hone in on deeper stuff. If, or, or like a, the, the trigger, real trigger, [00:03:00] uh, thought. So maybe, um, maybe if that’s true what I just said, you could, you could tell me maybe what template or, or how you would suggest writing. Maybe before doing a, a full worksheet or, um, uh, yeah, whatever you would suggest based on that.

And maybe it would help if I read the worksheet. Um, but, 

Todd: uh, okay. Well let, let’s, let’s do, get into the specifics a little bit, but just before we do, um, what I notice when I’m writing a judge, your neighbor worksheet, is that, um. Yeah, it, it, it’s like layers get peeled off, you know, like there’s the original stressful thoughts and then there’s, it’s kind of like the, the, the, the tantrum kind of what I want.

And then there’s the shoulds, the advice that’s a little bit, um, subtler, kind of stressful thought. And then the needs [00:04:00] are like, are even on a more subtle level. Um, and. And there’s a lot of different ways to, to approach those questions, you know, the, the line for I need them too. Um, but what can happen at any point, whether it shows up in the needs or not, is different underlying beliefs can, can pop up or different thoughts can, can pop up.

And so in addition to the worksheet itself, I will often just make, start making a list of. Underlying beliefs right there, um, like just kind of at the bottom of the worksheet. Just be like, uh, it, it’s not, it doesn’t fit the format I want them to, or they should, or I need, it’s just blah, blah, blah. They are something or other like that.

Or I need this to do this. I don’t know what, there’s gonna be some kind of underlying belief if there’s some emotion there, and that can be one way to approach it. But let’s look at your, your situation and just kind of see yeah, where you got [00:05:00] stuck. 

Client 2: Cool. Um, my situation is I am sitting, this is about week and a half ago, I think it was a Saturday, Sunday.

Sunday. I’m sitting on the entryway rug, putting on my shoes and I’m at my parents’ house. About to, about to go back to my place. Um, I’m putting on my shoes. My niece and nephew are in town visiting and they’re staying with my parents. And, um, they, it was just me at the house by myself. They were out doing errands and they’re coming back and I hear the garage door open and, um, the door is open and my nephew walks through the garage door and he, um.

I ask him, my, my [00:06:00] niece is, is, um, following after him, I ask like, Hey, how are you guys? And um, he says like, good. And he just like breezes past me. And, um,

and I’m, I like, ugh. Um, 

Todd: mm-hmm. 

Client 2: So yeah, I am in that moment I’m annoyed, um, with Wyatt because he breezed past me. 

Client: Okay. 

Client 2: Um, also another question is coming up of if there’s multiple emotions. I, I chose not to write that down. I was like, maybe I’ll, I’ll use that emotion for a different worksheet. Um, 

Todd: yeah, [00:07:00] multiple emotions can happen, but I not, I tend to find that, um, yeah, that there are many times when I write multiple emotions on my worksheet, but I also have noticed that sometimes.

Multiple emotions means I’m actually having multiple thoughts there because each, each thought is giving rise to a different emotion. So I, I tend to think of it as there’s a statement of fact he breezed past me, right? That’s just what happened. And then what is my emotional interpretation of him breezing past me?

What did that mean when he breezed past me? What was he doing to me when he did that? So what would you say when you, when you think of that. 

Client 2: Ignoring me. Offending me. 

Todd: Yes. So he is ignoring me. Um, what was the second one again? 

Client 2: Offending 

Todd: me. Yeah. Okay. Offending me. Like, yeah. And what does that mean? Like, he’s [00:08:00] offending me.

Like what is he actually doing to you there? What is he, what is your mind saying? 

Client 2: Disrespecting. Hey. Like he’s not paying his respects to his elder. 

Todd: Exactly. 

Client 2: Um, yeah, 

Todd: so there’s like this can, this is really good to look at it ’cause it shows the difference of emotion. Like if he’s ignoring me, like I may be feeling alienated or left out or sad or something like that.

Um, and so that’s that emotion. But then if he’s disrespecting me, I might be feeling angry because Right. He’s not. He’s not respecting me. So right. Different interpretations going on in the same moment can give rise to different emotions. And when you see multiple emotions, you can slow it down and look here and see if there are more than one.

You know, if there is more than one offense, uh, happening. 

Client 2: Yeah. 

Todd: And then those could [00:09:00] be separate worksheets, like you do a whole worksheet on him ignoring you, get a whole worksheet on him disrespecting you. Same situation. 

Client 2: Yeah. Yeah. Um, did I hear you say there’s the emotion and then there’s the interpretation of the emotion.

And either one, you can do a worksheet, you, you can do a worksheet on. 

Todd: You can do a worksheet on the emotion itself. I tend not to do it as much because it’s, it’s the, um, emotion is. How I react when I believe a thought. So I’m kind of doing the work on the symptom rather than on the cause. The cause is he doesn’t respect me, right?

But the emotion is I’m angry, so I could do the work on, I’m angry and it is actually an interesting inquiry. I’ve done it. Um, but most of the time I’m focused on what did they do that’s causing me to feel angry and then, um, and then everything kind [00:10:00] of flows from there. 

Client 2: The sadness is a reaction too.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Absolutely right. Any emotion is a reaction. So I feel sad because he, you know, he didn’t include me or something, or he didn’t wanna see me. He just, he, he doesn’t like me anymore. Right. You know? Right, right. 

Client: That’s exactly 

Todd: right. So there’s my whole worksheet on that. I could question, I’m sad, but I actually am sad, so it might not be the.

The main thing, the like, if I wanna get closer to what’s actually bothering me, it’s probably whatever he’s doing or what I’m interpreting him as doing. In other words, he doesn’t like me anymore or he disrespects me two totally separate worksheets there. 

Client 2: Yeah. I don’t mean to keep pulling this apart, but, um, well, I guess I do, ’cause I have another question.

Trying. As I [00:11:00] notice myself in this situation, I’m kind of like, what, what’s coming first? Um, and maybe this isn’t quite accurate, but to me I’m like, well, it seems like whatever I’m, whatever comes up first. Like maybe that does seem like the core thing or the thing to focus on. Like so sadness. Yeah. He doesn’t like me anymore.

Oh. To like anger then, um, and I guess as you said, both are, are material to use, 

Todd: both are material, but sometimes one is the main thing. Yeah. Maybe it’s more about the sadness. It doesn’t like me anymore. And then maybe ironically the, the, the focus on him disrespecting me. Even that could be a reaction when I’m [00:12:00] feeling like he doesn’t like me anymore.

So I can actually be creating a worksheet on top of a worksheet, sort of spontaneously out of reaction. But the main thing is, could be, like you said, the first thing that came out, which is that he doesn’t, I really feel like he doesn’t like me anymore. Right. And so that, that’s like. You might just only need to work that one and not even get to the disrespect one.

Like you may never have time for it, right? It doesn’t really matter because that’s what really was bothering you, 

Client 2: right? I think so in that moment, definitely. 

Todd: Yeah. Um. 

Client 2: Yeah. And yet I, I did write a work, a worksheet on the anger or, and the annoying, you know, the irritation 

Todd: also fine, right? The cool thing about the work is you don’t have to nail it.

Like we’re, yeah, we’re nailing it right now. We’re like getting, we’re like really identifying as close as we can. What’s actually. Going on. But even if you’re in the ballpark, like just close enough, the work [00:13:00] still works. That’s what, that’s what I love about it. Yeah. You don’t have to be like a psychologist to be able to like pinpoint precisely what’s going on to do the work.

’cause the turnarounds, the who would you be without the thought? All that stuff just works together in this beautiful way that can sometimes reveal, uh, exactly what you need to see without having to. Be perfect about it. Right, 

Client 2: right, right. All right, 

Todd: so going to your question on the needs, like did, was there something more, um, considering we’ve kind of discussed number one a little bit more, but are we going to the needs?

Was there something that, that was more specific you wanted to ask me about? 

Client 2: Um, well, like the, I need him to recognize me as important I. So I can feel connected to him. Like, it, it’s like, I know it’s, it’s, um, [00:14:00] it, it can be more advantageous to just keep things simple. And, um, as I, as I, again, as I write, it’s like, oh, like, there’s just the layer of like, I want connection, like I want, I wanna feel.

It’s like a, it’s like the deeper stuff. So. If I just write, I need him to recognize me. Um. Okay, I could do that. 

Todd: Right, right. Yeah. You know, no, sometimes like all rules are made to be broken, right? So there’s this kind of rule that short, simple sentences are really good for doing the work. ’cause they’re easier to hold.

It’s just easier. It works really well. And I’d say 99% of the time that’s true. But sometimes the statement, the longer statement actually says it better for me and it’s actually easier for me to hold. And so. I don’t have to throw out what’s working for me just to fit a model of like what [00:15:00] works 99% of the time.

And I like to feel free if that that shows up that way. 

Client 2: Totally, totally. Yeah. Um, and I think my mind or the mind, there’s just so much, there’s so many thoughts that, um, I, I’ll do what you suggest of just, um. Uh, underlying beliefs. And I’ll even just start really just writing free and, and not in a worksheet.

And then I’ll go to a worksheet just to, to feel freer and, and, um. And yet there’s still so much that is coming up. So it’s 

Todd: like, that’s it. That’s it. We’re identifying stressful thoughts and you never know what you’ll find when you start doing that. So 

Client: yeah, 

Todd: it starts out in one direction and then, oh my God, I just found there’s a whole other thing going on here, so I have to respond to that and let that be [00:16:00] the what drives me rather than.

Doing it perfectly, getting a worksheet, like just exactly according to protocol. Like, no, the worksheet’s there to serve me, not the other way around. So I’ll use the worksheet when the worksheet fits. I’ll go to one liners if that feels more right, but I’m listening to what’s going on inside and I’m trying to just, um, express that in whichever way seems most appropriate.

Client 2: Yeah, totally. Yeah, that’s good. Affirmation. 

Todd: Yeah. Cool. Cool. 

Client 2: Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, you’re welcome. Great question. Really good. And, and I love those emotional interpretations. That’s, that’s just such a key, um, concept for me in writing a worksheet and. And we go into great detail in this, in the Work 1 0 1 course that I offer, where we just really look at the emotional interpretation, try to find out [00:17:00] what those are, um, because it just helps me get closer to what’s really bothering me in that situation.

And the closer I am to that, the easier it is when I’m doing my work to, um, feel like I’m addressing the issue that I’m really feeling at that moment. Yeah, so cool. So would anyone like to do the work? And also Sydney, you’re welcome as well to include yourself, but like anyone have something, we have about 15 minutes and we could do some more, 

Client: uh, work.

I got a quick one. Okay. Um.

So I was on the phone yesterday with someone I was supposed to have received a package like two weeks ago. Mm-hmm. And it didn’t come, and I just was waiting for it. But, um, then [00:18:00] I got a notice that the contents of the package was now supposed to be returned. And so I said, I contacted them and I said, I never got the package.

I can’t return something I haven’t received. And, um, and there wa it was a long conversation with this person. Who just said, well, you know, maybe it’ll show up, wait around for it. And it’s, it’s medical device, something that the, there, it’s time constrictive and something that my doctor wants the results to like in a couple of days.

You know, it takes two weeks to do it. So, um, I, I just, uh, it’s like I kept in the conversation with the person I. About why they felt that I should just wait for the next few weeks to see if it shows up, rather than them just sending me another one. And when I hung up on the person I was left with, you know, well that’s all you can [00:19:00] do, just wait and see if it shows up.

So, um, but then apparently someone found out about it, an overnighted one to me, so I just, that was what I was just opening was the box that got overnighted to me. But it’s like this. Okay. The, the, my frustration is that the, the level of incompetency in places where incompetency is, is, you know, it could be, it could cause many people injury, I guess if it, I know it’s like, I guess I have all this training of if you make a mistake, people die.

I’m sitting on this other end of this thing, and I’m not gonna die if I don’t do this test. I’m not, you know, but my first thought is that person could have killed me by being so, so nonchalant about something that was important. You know, 

Todd: I love [00:20:00] that. You know, you know, you know, even though you know that’s not true, like there’s, I love that you said like, that’s my first thought.

This person could have killed me. Like. On a level. Yes. That’s really what you’re believing. So let’s question that. It’s like I could, it doesn’t have to be irrational thought person’s 

Client: nonchalantness, right? In the meantime, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna die from this, that’s for sure. 

Todd: Okay, so go to that situation.

You’re on the call, okay. And you, you’re waiting for this medical device and it hasn’t come. You, you call, they say they’ve returned it or say it’s being returned or something, and you’re like. What, and they’re like, you know, you just have to wait for it. It could be weeks, you know, so this person could have killed you.

An answer from the emotional part of you, not necessarily the rational part, because that’s the part that got Yeah, 

Client: right there. That’s my thought is like, yeah, yeah, that’s true. I like, I’m gonna die. And you’re like, really? Just wait a few more weeks. 

Todd: Yeah. Right. [00:21:00] Okay. So I love it. The, the, the way you phrase this statement just amps it right up.

It’s like they’re gonna kill me like they me, and they could care less. Exactly. Right. So can you absolutely know it’s true. This person could have killed you.

Again, answer from, from that part inside of you that’s, that’s bought into this. No, 

Client: it’s, it’s because it’s not the case in this case. It’s, it can’t be absolutely true. 

Todd: Okay. Okay. 

Client: No. 

Todd: So how do you react when some part of you believes that this person could have killed you and they’re just so nonchalant about it?

And incompetent. 

Client: I want it, I want to get to them. I, I, I wanna pretend I died and send them a letter and say, it’s your fault you killed this person.[00:22:00] 

Todd: I love it. This is how

Client: space, 

Todd: right, but that’s us under this thought that this person could have killed you. Right? You’re gonna teach him a lesson.

Client: Oh, and, and I get mad and I get on, I get on my, uh, communication with my Dr. Page, and I let my doctor know, you know, this is what happened. This is what I said to them. This is what they told me. 

Todd: Right. Suddenly we’re in court. You know, I’m appealing to higher authority. 

Client: I’m on.[00:23:00] 

Todd: All right, so who would you be in the same situation when this person’s just saying, oh yeah, no, you know, just, maybe it’ll show up. Just, just wait a couple weeks or so.

I’m laughing because I’m still thinking they’re gonna kill. I could be laughing, right? No, but 

Client: I would, I would be someone who realizes that this person probably is brand new. They’re, they’re untrained. They don’t, they don’t have the, the, they haven’t been given enough of the resources. They’re probably frustrated.

They’re hoping for the best. Right. Okay. So you’re, 

Todd: you’re, you’re answering the question before I even asked it, but Yes. The, the question is, who would you be without the thought? That, that this person could’ve killed me. 

Client: I’m going there.

Yeah. And what do you 

Todd: notice? What do you see without this story, this person could have killed me. 

Client: Well, um, just, just to kind of mix ’em up [00:24:00] a again, just a little bit. It was, um, with the thought, I did immediately send a note to my doctor who, who, and then I got. A note from FedEx saying that they were overnighting one, and it showed up today.

And when I got it, I was also receiving a response from my doctor saying, would you like me to contact them? And then I was mad because I wanted it to be my doctor who called them, not them that fixed it themselves. 

Todd: Exactly right. Goes right back to I’ll fake my own death over it. I want them to learn this lesson, not get off the hook.

Yeah. So that’s the more of the reaction I know, 

Client: and I can’t be mad at them anymore if they actually solve the problem. 

Todd: Right. 

Client: So who I so imagine without, imagine you didn’t have the thought. Yeah. 

Todd: You didn’t think that they could have killed. Yeah. Thanks for letting me not, 

Client: not letting me get away with premature, without the, without the thought.

I am [00:25:00] so pleased that, that whatever that young man had to do in order to make sure I got it, he did it. You know, he went to, he clearly did something to make sure that I got the piece of equipment because I have it now and. My doctor is asking if they need any support and so it, who I am without the thought is grateful for a, a, you know, a medical professional getting back to me, asking me what I need and the company solving a problem before I even had to take action.

Right? Yeah, 

Todd: right. Okay. And who would you have been on the phone with that representative? If you hadn’t thought they could be killing me because they’re telling me to just wait. 

Client: I know I would’ve been, oh, okay sweetheart, here’s, here’s what my request, so I’ll contact the doctor to see if they can help in any way.

But you see if you can find someone there that that [00:26:00] can give you some advice or some coaching on how to handle something like this. ’cause. Just to let you know, wait around for a few weeks for medical devices gonna, it’s not, that’s not effective. 

Todd: Yeah. So you’re like, I.

No, I can hear just the tone of your voice is like, it’s more calm, it’s more, it’s more rational. It’s like problem solving. Um, as opposed to the, the reactive part of like, you know, they’re gonna kill me and I’m gonna do everything I can to make, you know 

Client: that you’re, the reason I.

Todd: It’s a very different space. Oh yeah. So what we’re seeing is the thought makes all the difference. Even though this was a kind of irrational thought and we could say, oh yeah, I don’t really believe that. But some part of me was believing that. And you can see the difference [00:27:00] when I’m believing it, it could have killed me.

Oh, definitely. And the resistance to 

Client: believing that the, that young man solved it on his own without my doctor having to intervene was, it was hard. 

Todd: I almost can’t even believe about it. It’s. 

Client: Yeah, 

Todd: I’m so sure that they’re incompetent, that I can’t even imagine they could actually do that, let alone I don’t want them to, because I wanna do, then I would’ve gotten mad for 

Client: no reason.

Todd: Exactly. Exactly. So turn the thought around so that person could have killed me. 

Client: That person could have saved me. 

Todd: Okay. How could that be as true or truer? 

Client: It maybe take seriously. The reason that I’m taking this, I’m, I’m gonna wear a heart monitor for a couple of weeks and I just have been blowing it off, blowing it off for a long time and it actually made me think that it was important that I do this now.

So 

Todd: I could have saved you. Like they’re not, they’re saying, [00:28:00] oh, it’s not important. Wait, a couple weeks could have pushed you over the edge to actually start wearing that. Yeah. 

Client: The doctor said, ah, you don’t need it. I’d be like, good. You know? Right. But it was like, no, you can’t do that. I’m, yeah. So it actually made me say, Hey, doctor thinks I should do this.

It’s showing up. I, they may have saved me. 

Todd: Okay. Any other example? I, I could have killed me another one. That turnaround I could have killed me. Yeah, go ahead. 

Client: I could’ve killed me. Lemme see. Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to get us done on time. 

Todd: Oh, don’t worry about the time. I’m, I’ve got that. 

Client: Oh, you’re okay.

Okay, good. 

Todd: So how, how could that be true? That I could have killed me

more than that person could have killed me.

Client: My, my anger and frustration could have been exacerbating any [00:29:00] condition that might, that I might have. It was leaving me in a state of upset. Upset is, you know, creates chemicals that could be harmful to the body. And so by recognizing that, I was just believing my thought. Um. Now I could see that if I’d stayed in that state of mind, I, it would’ve made a problem.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. You could have gotten really agitated, panicked. You could have had a heart attack for, who knows. Right. 

Client: Exactly. Yeah. 

Todd: Any other examples of how you could have killed you more, could be more true than they? Yeah, because I 

Client: used to have the belief that I’m on my own here. There’s no one who can actually help me.

And, uh, and I was ready to fall back into that belief again. Mm-hmm. Like, [00:30:00] yeah, 

Todd: exactly. Like you said, you didn’t even wear the heart. And it was point 

Client: when I thought, I’m just gonna let the doctor know. Yeah. Okay. 

Todd: So I could have killed me, could have killed me. 

Client: I could have killed him.

Todd: Well, that’s just true. 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. You know, uh, had I taken any kind of action where I’ve made this poor guy feel responsible for someone’s illness or death that he could have committed suicide? Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we don’t take responsibility for our. Wow. 

Todd: Yeah. Thank goodness. Right, but still like the, if, if we’re talking about who’s killing who or who has the potential of killing who, it’s equally possible that your actions could have been detrimental to his [00:31:00] health as much or more than his actions would be detrimental to your health.

Client: Definitely.

Todd: And, you know, you could have ended up there. 

Client: There was, there was something that, that came up in, I’m sorry. 

Todd: You could have ended up costing him his job. You say that again? I was, yeah. For some reason there’s a delay here, so, uh, apologize that you could have ended up costing him his job. You know, it killed him in that guy as well.

Client: Yeah, 

Todd: that’s true. Right. Okay. And you were gonna say

Client: forgot. 

Todd: Okay. Worry. 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. And was he, was that company the only resource for that heart monitor for you in case you really did need to wear it right away? 

Client: Um, it’s the one that my insurance covers and it’s also the [00:32:00] most, um. Most advanced one that is available. 

Todd: Okay. So 

Client: yeah, I, yeah. 

Todd: So it’s the preferred way and it’s the preferred product, preferred way to buy it.

Mm-hmm. And the preferred product, but worse came to worse. Could you, could you, if you really needed it, could you temporarily have a lesser quality product available in a, some more local, um, kind of way? Uh. 

Client: I see where you’re going in. That was, if, if I was looking at this not being able to get it right, then I, instead of actually solving the problem, I was looking for blame.

And so by looking at it from the perspective of, oh, okay, well that’s not working. What would be working? What would work? Right. That’s an, that’s, that comes from an, you know, I, I could have killed me a, a. I could have saved me [00:33:00] by looking at it from the perspective of Yeah, there’s, there are other options.

Todd: Exactly. And it, and it plays back to that turnaround. They couldn’t have killed me because if I really needed that, needed that heart monitor, I could have found some way. I would’ve found some way. Mm-hmm. Like so I put the blame on them. I limit myself that it only has to come from them, but actually that they didn’t have the power to kill me.

’cause I had a lot of other options I may not have explored, including emergency room, including, you know, local drugstore. I don’t know what the different options would be. Oh, I’m 

Client: sure. I mean, yeah, this one you just tape it on and it goes for two weeks. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Client: Yeah, there’s others that go for like a couple days at a time and stuff like that, which would Right.

Would’ve been an option. And you can get those in grocery stores and, right. And they have certain apps where you could wear something. I mean, yeah. 

Todd: Yep. Heck, even a, probably a [00:34:00] phone, like a watch or something like if you needed it. Like there could be a temporary phone. Yeah. My husband actually 

Client: has an app on, my husband has an app on his phone called Cardia.

And it, he, it has a little thing where you just put your fingers on it and it’s an ek, gives an EEKG right on the phone. So, 

Todd: so this person, yeah. Couldn’t have killed me. That’s kind of where it all ends up. Like they couldn’t have told me because there’s just too many options for me to get what I needed.

Client: Um, 

Todd: yeah. Okay. Really nice, nice work. Thank you for your, for bringing it. Thanks. Thanks. Working for the humor in it and I love it. Thank you.

If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one we just heard right now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to the open sessions. Page. And there you’ll see more description of what we do, and you’ll see the, um, the signup. [00:35:00] Uh, for that you have to sign a release form because this is included in my podcast and in YouTube and other places.

But if you’re willing to share in this way, uh, it’s a wonderful way to do the work in a little community. So there are a maximum of eight people in each open session. So to learn all about that and to get started with that, go to the work as meditation.com. Next, I’m going to read one of my newsletter articles called When Not To Do the Work.

Whipping the Mind to Make it Work. Turns out not to be so useful for creating peace when not to do the work. Are there ever times when it makes sense not to do the work? I can think of several. Let’s look at a few of these. The first is when the emotion is really strong. I love the work because my perspective [00:36:00] often changes enough that my emotions shift from stress to peaceful.

But sometimes the emotion is so strong that I don’t actually want to do the work. This happens from time to time. I’m so angry that I just want to be angry, and even the thought of doing the work can make me angrier because I don’t wanna turn it around. I don’t wanna ask, is it true? I don’t wanna, I’m just angry.

Can I just be angry? So should I push on through this or hold back when emotions are strong? For me, pushing through feels like the opposite of the very spirit of the work, which is to listen to myself. It feels like I’m using the work to get rid of the emotion. Um, and that feels disrespectful to the angry part of me that’s suffering.

It’s like saying, Hey, get over it. Um, which is not really very helpful, the stuck part of [00:37:00] me. It feels not listened to. It feels disrespected, it feels belittled, and it starts to feel unsafe. I don’t want to turn around. It becomes an internal fight. And what happens is I stop trusting the work. I stop trusting myself because I am my own best facilitator, and if I can’t, if the emotional part of me can’t trust the part of me that is facilitating the part of me that’s inviting me to do the work, then I’m kind of in this place where like, I don’t want to do the work because I, I don’t feel like you’re, you’re listening to me or that I’m being heard, or that I’m just gonna be.

Said to get over it. Um, so if that kind of situation comes up, that might be a time when I might not do the work. So what are some, what are the options in case this does happen, which does happen on, um, from time to time when the emotion’s really strong. What are some other things that I find helpful?[00:38:00] 

Well, the first thing is I don’t do the work. I just write my stressful thoughts down. This on the other hand, instead of trying to turn it around or try to go through the four questions, just writing the stressful thoughts down feels like listening. I’m actually giving my ego, my stuck self, my stress, a chance to be heard.

And so I like to even forget about that I’ll ever do the work on these thoughts. Maybe never. And I just, um, I. I just want to hear what’s stressing me, and I actually find this very soothing. I find that emotional part of me wants to get out, so let me let it out. And what a better way to do that than onto paper where it’s not gonna hurt anybody.

It’s not gonna mess up my life. And I still will have that feeling of getting hurt. So later I might do the work on those statements. I often do, but I have no requirement and I’m not trying to, I. Twist myself into doing the work kind of trick myself. I’m just [00:39:00] saying, let’s just release this stress onto paper and be heard.

And that’s, I find very helpful. So another thing that, um, I find helpful when emotions are really strong is. Sometimes I do have enough openness to do the work. Um, so I may do the work, but I’ve got so much charge going on that I will end up spending a lot more time in question three. And question three is, how do you react?

What happens when you believe that thought? This question is great for allowing me to rant and rave a bit and to see what it actually feels like to believe the thought. If I give more time for this question, I will often notice how stressful it is to believe the thought. I actually see the effect of believing that thought, and that’s often starts to release my attachment to the thought, like, I’m right.

I, I’m angry. I start to see like, [00:40:00] whoa, this thought is causing me a lot of stress. So maybe thinking that thought is not in my best interest and even the. Stuck part of me starts to feel like, oh, well maybe I could become ready for question four, which is who would you be without the thought? So that’s one approach is to do the work, but spend a little more time in question three when the emotion is strong.

And then finally when the emotion’s really strong and I don’t wanna do the work, I may simply do something else completely. Um. I may simply not be open to questioning my thoughts at this time. So I do other things that balance me. You know, I go for a walk, go for a swim, do some yoga. I play some pickleball, I talk with a friend, read a book, watch a movie, sleep, anything like that.

It can be actually very relieving to feel free, not to fix myself, but to just take care of myself [00:41:00] instead. Openness is the only prerequisite for doing the work. If I’m not open, I don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. This feels like I’m listening to myself, which is the very essence of what the work is all about.

It feels honest now. I love to do the work, but forcing myself to do it can give me a bad taste for the work. Not to mention that in that very closed state, it’s almost impossible to find genuine examples and answers to the questions. So what’s the point? I’d much rather wait until I’m open again and feel attracted to the work instead of using force on myself.

Force just doesn’t work in this area. So a second kind of situation when I may not. I choose not to do the work is when resistance is really strong. [00:42:00] Sometimes people have strong doubts about the work, and it can come up for all of us. So forcing against these doubts can actually be counterproductive.

Instead, what I do and what I recommend to people is to bring your doubts about the work to a trained facilitator, like I often open, I, uh, offer these open sessions for that. Uh, you can bring any question about the work, including. Anything that you think is like crazy about the work, bring it. You know, let’s talk about it.

Let’s, let’s look at it. And I find that way more productive than just forcing myself to kind of bear, bear down and, and go through the work, even though I don’t, I think something’s not. You know, not a good about the work, so bring your doubts, question them, but you can also question your doubts yourself.

And, and I love doing that. I love taking my, my kind of resistance thoughts, [00:43:00] putting them on paper and then doing inquiry on those before ever going in and doing the work on whatever else is bothering me. I have to feel safe, and if I feel like the work isn’t a safe place, then I need to do, do the work on the work.

So that I come to a place of better understanding and comfort with that before I, um, go in on anything more deep. So, a third scenario of when I may not do the work is when I’m beating myself up. If I ever notice that I’m beating myself up when doing the work, and that means making myself wrong or shaming or blaming myself, especially in the turnarounds, then I stop.

This is not actually the work anyway. What, what the mind is doing is taking the kind of format of the work and using it to its own, you know, end, which is doing what it’s always done, which is either beating myself up or um, taking what was an attack on someone else [00:44:00] and just kinda ricocheting it back onto myself, which, um, is just as violent as what I was doing when I was blaming someone else in the first place.

So the work is a gentle process, um, but sometimes the mind is in attack mode and it swings from attacking someone else to attacking itself. Instead of looking for how the two opposites actually balance each other out, that’s what the work is like. It’s a gentle balancing of opposites. And if I can’t manage that, because I just keep flipping to blaming them and then blaming me, and then blaming them and blaming me.

That then that’s a time when I wouldn’t do the work, or that’s a time when I would reach out to a facilitator where someone with a lot of experience in the work can hold me and allow me to, um, be a little gentler with myself as I’m going through the process. Okay, so a fourth scenario when [00:45:00] I might not use the work is using the work to hide out.

Now, this is an interesting one. The work is a tool for self-discovery, but the mind can use any tool as a way to stay stuck. Even the work, and if you notice that, check it out, are you turning things around to kind of take the edge off of pain that would actually be better dealt with by taking courageous action.

Then this is like, this is like using the work to hide out like I should be. Taking this step, which is scary for me, and I’m just saying, oh, uh, I should take this step. Is it true? And they’re like, oh no, maybe I don’t, I shouldn’t take this step and I can use it to kind of hide out. So there’s no right answers, but notice, what does it feel like?

There are always two dimensions for finding wiggle room, and that’s on the inner. Dimension and then on the outer dimension. [00:46:00] So are you focusing on finding inner wiggle room at the exclusion of finding outer wiggle room? Why not explore both and. Question the resistance thoughts to doing either. So I think that’s a common spiritual path misconception in all kinds of spiritual traditions is people, seekers are, are often thinking, I will just do only the spiritual practices and forget about anything, any kind of action in the world.

I’ll just do the spiritual ’cause that’s the more important and I’ll just focus on that. And what happens is they end up. Not dealing with things that could easily be dealt with on the material level. So why not do both? They’re not, um, mutually exclusive. Here’s an example of this. Um, let’s say I wanna say no to, to someone.

And if I’m open-minded in doing the work, I can question [00:47:00] the thought. I want to say no them, no to them, and find that it’s also true that I don’t want to say no to them. Like, especially if it’s stressful, I wanna say no to them. And I’m feeling like I really have to, I need to, I want to. So when I find the turnaround, I don’t wanna say no to them.

It’s can be freeing because I’m actually feeling less attached now to saying no to them. Maybe I won’t ever find the courage to say no. Um, you know, or, or I see other reasons not to say no. I can still be. Okay, so this is the inner wiggle room, right? I’m okay with not taking the courageous action. Okay, good.

That it’s fine. I’m not as attached to it now. Um, I could also do the work on the reasons why I don’t have the courage to say no. So this is another, another kind of work, and if my mind’s open, I will go there, for example. Uh, I don’t have the courage to say no to them because they [00:48:00] won’t like me, right? So this is doing the work with an open mind, desiring to look at all sides of the situation, and then including taking courageous action.

So that’s opening up this room for the outer wiggle room where I can actually act and do things that are scary to me, but actually feel like they’re, they’re freeing to me to actually do. But on the other hand, if I come to the work with a semi-closed mind desirous of hiding out, I would use the work to justify not saying no to them.

I might question, I want to say no to them and use my examples as reasons not to stretch. Has reasons to stay safe and hide out the same mind would probably also avoid questioning any resistance thoughts to saying no. And, um, it’s just not open to all sides of the exploration. [00:49:00] So in that way, uses the work as a shelter instead of as a way of stretching.

Don’t become a work fanatic. Instead listen to yourself. That’s what the work is all about anyway. And if yourself is asking for you to not do the work right now, pay attention. That is your work. That is your turnaround. Can you live it? When I hold the work gently and lightly, I find it to be very attractive, but if I hold it with force, I resent it.

I prefer to trust the inner wisdom that leads me towards it sometimes and away from it sometimes. There’s a lot of freedom in that, and I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie from her book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which is one of my favorite books that she wrote. This one that I happen to [00:50:00] be, doesn’t have to look like anything, but what it is I, it can afford to be a fool.