Why Negative Emotions Are Essential: Understanding Their Purpose in Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People

Client 2: So, uh, so Todd, I have a question and um, it’s something that I’m kind of struggling with a little bit, um, with the work and, um, I really liked what you said in, um, an earlier session. I think you had a video on, um, the work is like a game of warmer and colder and, um, I found that really intriguing. I really liked how you explained it, and I’m intrigued by the idea of stress as a sign [00:04:00] that you need to examine your troublesome thoughts.

Um, but what I’m struggling with is, um, you know, Byron Katie says, well, do you have a non-stressful reason to keep a thought? Well, um, you know, what about a thought? Like what about an emotion like guilt? For instance, somebody calls you and you don’t call ’em back like a friend, you know, it’s not been a week or two weeks or whatever, and then you’re feeling a little guilty and, um, you feel bad and it keeps reminding you that you need to call ’em back.

I think that’s useful. Um, so I’m not sure I wanna give that up. Um. I I’m interested in hearing your commentary on that. You know, how does, how do those, what I, I guess what I would consider to be useful guilt feelings. How, how do those fit into what you, what you’ve said about, you know, stress as basically something [00:05:00] that you need to question.

Mm-hmm.

Todd: And that’s not

Client 2: helpful or useful.

Todd: It’s a good question. I think it’s something you sometimes hear this debate and I’ve heard it even when I was younger, of like, is there a good kind of stress and a bad kind of stress or something? And, and, um, I think,

I think the two get, I. Put together somehow, uh, because guilt is coming in the situation. I didn’t call back and I’m feeling guilty. Uh, we tend to associate the guilt as sort of the reminder to call us back to, for us to call them back. And so I think there’s a tendency to think, okay, yeah, that’s a, that’s a good thing.

I don’t want to get rid of that guilt because it’s helping me to call that person back. But I’ve also noticed that guilt, using that [00:06:00] example, can actually do the very opposite. Um, I, somebody calls me, I don’t call them back. I feel guilty, and then I want to call them back, but I. I feel so guilty that I actually put it off even longer, and then I end up gets even more, even longer, and then I really feel guilty and then I end up ever calling them back.

I’ve done that. So, um, I’m not sure that the guilt itself is the, is the, the thing I wanna hold onto. I’m not sure it’s actually as useful as I might think at first glance. Um. It’s a stress. And what I’m playing with here is if I didn’t have the guilt, if I questioned the guilt, for example, and I didn’t have the guilt, would I still get the reminders in my mind?

And um, my sense is that I would, um, I. [00:07:00] There’s a, there’s a desire to connect with somebody if someone’s a friend or if it’s something for business. There’s something that I naturally, uh, enjoy about that person or want to do something with them. And I think that impulse, which is not connected to guilt at all, uh, if it’s natural, if it’s strong enough.

If it’s natural enough, we’ll. Caused me to call them back. Um, and there won’t be any worry about, oh my gosh, I didn’t call back earlier if, uh, and the, the shame or guilt that can come come from that. So I’m kind of, yeah. Um, I’ve heard Byron and Katie talk about similar things as well, uh, how some people use anger to motivate them to do something, and it sounds like a good kind of stress.

But, um, if you didn’t have the anger. The assumption is that the motivation would be gone. But is that really true? [00:08:00] And I know I have had some experience with this, and I know she talks about her experience as well, is that without a feeling of anger, she’s actually more motivated because there’s nothing kind of hanging, there’s no stress in the way, there’s no heaviness there.

And um. So it’s kind of uncharted territory, a little bit. Like, okay, who would I be without the thought, without the guilt, without the anger, without the sadness, without the fear, who would I be without these emotions, stressful emotions and, and the thoughts that go with them. My sense, having done the work for a long time is that it’s a freer place.

I, I’m just free to follow my nature, which is do I want to call them back? If yes, great. If not, great. No guilt. Do I want to take action? Great. If yes, fine. If not, no problem. [00:09:00] No, no. I, I don’t need any extra push. Um, and I think what that allows. At least, um, conceptually when I’m thinking about it here is it allows for, uh.

A more integrated sense of being like, I’m just acting because that’s what I want to do. Why am I calling the back? ’cause I want to, or why am I taking action on something? Because I’m drawn to, I’m following these positive, um, feelings which are creative, intelligent, and, um, energetic, and I don’t, I’m not using.

Fear or guilt or anger, sort of in a negative way to motivate myself instead, the actual desire is motivating me directly and I’m not having to use the, I’m not having to go through the kind of [00:10:00] convolution of, uh, a negative emotion, but I think, honestly, I think it gets in the way. I think that the negativity.

Actually blocks me from the creativity. It shuts me down a little bit. When I’m shut down, I’m a little less, I’m a little less, um, active, a little less creative, a little less powerful in what I do. So my sense is, and I, I don’t have specific examples in mind, but I’m sure this has been my experience, that when I question the stress.

The stressful part of something, then I’m left with a part that is just stress free, but still, um, not, it’s not passive. I don’t become passive when I do the work, I become more active. So that tells me that it wasn’t the anger or the guilt or whatever that was making me, uh, active, it was actually.[00:11:00]

Inhibiting my activity a bit, and when that’s gone, I’m actually even more active, but without the stress. So best of both worlds in a way. Yeah.

Client 2: So, um, thank you. That’s very helpful and, you know, it makes a lot of sense. Um, so kind of related to this, I, I think there’s even an even bigger, um, issue that I’m kind of struggling with, which is.

So you, you talk about guilt, anger, fear, um, you know, some of those bigger negative emotions. So, um, I think one of the things that I’m struggling with is the idea that these are negative, they’re bad, they have to be questioned, and that they don’t have any use usefulness. Ah,

and

Client 2: you know. If they’re not useful, then why do we have those emotions?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, that’s a great question. [00:12:00]

Client 2: I think subconsciously, I think I’m struggling with this idea of, well, um, I don’t wanna explain away all of my negative feelings. Yeah. And so,

Todd: no, I, I like that point. I’m just hearing your thoughts, Todd. It’s, it’s so good. Um, yeah. So. They’re not bad. Um, they do have a purpose.

It’s like, have you ever heard of those people that were born without pain receptors somehow, like they don’t, they don’t live more than about 10 years at the most because they tend to put their hands on burning stoves and they, they just don’t feel pain. They can bleed to death. Anything can happen and they don’t get any feedback on, uh, what not to do in life.

Uh, and so they’re just. You know, we fall into disaster in a way. So I think emotions, they, they give us information, very important [00:13:00] information. Um, it’s telling us that we’re, we’re moving in a direction that has broken with our integrity somehow. Like when we’re talking with these kind of, uh. Guilt or anger or sadness or fear.

There’s something, it’s a flow of life. We’ve broken that flow somehow, and if it’s, if it’s on the mental side, then questioning the thought can start to restore that flow again. But I need to know when the flow flow’s broken. It’s, it’s like the alarm clock idea. The, the. The emotion is the alarm clock that wakes me up to say, where is the break?

Let’s go check it out and see if we can restore, uh, order again, because life is not just, uh. It’s not just always positive, it’s not just always flowing. It’s not always connected and great, and everything’s just, just [00:14:00] wonderful. If that was the case, we wouldn’t need these emotions, but life constantly changes minute to minute and so having the emotions give us the feedback, it’s, it’s very empowering.

Actually. If we didn’t have that, we would just be. Yeah. Sailing into disaster probably. So I think it’s not that they’re bad, it’s just that they are, we can get stuck in them too, and that’s not it. So. I notice some fear, Hey, what’s going on? Oh, I’m afraid of this. And then I can look at that and see if that’s really the whole story or if I need to be so worried about it.

Um, so it’s like I can touch on the emotion and then use it. And then find new direction as a result of it. It’s a positive thing actually. That’s, that’s the way I tend to think of emotion. In fact, I became less scared of emotions the more I started [00:15:00] doing the work. And ironically, some emotions were so suppressed in me that, that doing the work actually freed me to be more emotional in, in a way more passionate or more like actually angry sometimes when I’m really angry instead of trying to pretend that I’m not angry where I am.

So all of this for me has been the result of, uh, looking at emotions, getting. Clear about them and working through them. Um, it’s not that they’re bad, but that they, um, they need to be freed, uh, and allowed to be expressed. Uh, I, I’m way better expressing my emotions now than I ever was, but I’m also not stuck on them.

That’s the fear. It’s like if I let emotion come up, then I’m gonna be, uh, it’s gonna just. I’m gonna be stuck there. But what happens is I let it up and it, and it has a life of its own, and [00:16:00] then I see beyond it and there’s freedom on the other side of it. So I think of emotions nowadays as a doorway to something more like it’s a portal to a whole new way of viewing things.

And when things get bad, so to say, so to speak, that’s often the, the gateway to a whole new way of looking at things. Um, even without the work of Byron Katie, that’s what we all do. When things get stressful, we tend to question everything. That’s what, you know, that’s what happens. You’re like, uh, I don’t know.

Is that what I should be doing? Is this what I should be doing? Like we all just, we start questioning and. I think that’s the natural result of this feedback mechanism that we have built into us in the form of emotion.

Client 2: Thank you, Todd. That’s really helpful. And um, I, [00:17:00] I, I think it’s something that I’ve been struggling with for a while and, and I probably will continue to. Um, but, um. The things that you’re saying really are, it makes sense to me. It rings, it rings true. So, so thank you.

Todd: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

All right, so we still have, um, another few minutes if anyone wants to do a little piece of work or has another question.

Client: Todd, I would like to do the work a little bit.

Todd: Okay. Let’s do the work. So what’s your situation?

Client: So situation is my dad had a heart attack a few months ago and he’s recovering from it and we’re in that process of he’s doing [00:18:00] okay with the recovery process. But I noticed today there’s kind of like, um, fear of connecting with him because I feel like things are going to turn into, we were never close, like, or that close.

So I feel that kind of fear of letting him in in my life again and kind of like go back to what I used to think and, you know, basically afraid of having a relationship with him. I think it’s the, it’s the point.

Todd: Okay. Yeah. So, um, what would be the stressful thought to question here? I’m afraid of having a relationship with him, or, uh, is there, or is there something specific you’re afraid of?

Client: I think it is, uh, it comes down to. I’m afraid of seeing him as I [00:19:00] saw him before, like un unhealthy relationship and having bad times, or, you know, judging him in my mind for, for different things that he says or acts or things like that. So. I think it could be like afraid of connecting with him right now because that’s going to make me feel like I felt in the past.

Todd: Mm-hmm. Okay. So is that true? If you connect with him right now, it’s gonna make you feel like you felt in the past?

Client: Yes.

Todd: And can you absolutely know it’s true if you connect with him, it’s gonna make [00:20:00] you feel like you did in the past.

Yes. So how do you react? What happens when you think. Connecting with him is going to make you feel like you did in the past.

Client: I start feeling hotter, like my, my hands are a little bit sweaty.

I feel like I get into like a defensive position before he says anything, so I’m [00:21:00] like, ready and not take anything. Like with softness, I guess, or, yeah, like being ready for a punch or something like that.

I feel like under pressure, like I’m being forced to doing something

and I feel like that rush. Of adrenaline a little bit inside of me.

I feel like afraid right away of letting that happen and putting myself in a bad position. Right now.

I see how I’m like kind of struggling in my head to I. [00:22:00] To decide if I should stop it or let it happen.

And I ca I kept seeing how bad things from the past get connected to the, to this moment. And it’s like, it’s like my mind is trying to find explanations and like it keeps going back to. To times where I should stop something from happening and I didn’t, and I just kept allowing him to interfere with my decisions or just be there.

So I keep wondering if I should let that happen because it will interfere in a way again, with with the how things are now.[00:23:00]

Todd: Do you feel it in your body anywhere?

Client: Yeah. I feel like in my back it’s like starting to build a lot of weight. Like I feel the stress in my neck,

like I’m sweaty and I.

Todd: So who would you be without this thought? Connecting with him is going to make me feel like I did in the past.

Client: [00:24:00] Without the thought, I can see him as,

as he is, and not expecting him to be different because he had a heart attack.

Hmm.

I can see that it’s a, it’s a known territory. I know how he makes some comments sometimes and how he behaves sometimes.

So without the thought, it’s like. I already know what’s going to happen, so it’s not coming out of nowhere anymore. So it’s known so I can feel that lighter.

Todd: And what do you see when you look at yourself without the thought that connecting with him is [00:25:00] going to make me feel like I did in the past.

Client: I see me as, um, a little bit more open person than what I was before I see him. Uh, I see myself as somebody that needs to connect with his father, and that’s not a bad thing.

Hmm.

Todd: So how would you turn the thought around? Connecting with him is going to make me feel like I did in the past.

Client: Connecting with him is not going to make me feel like I felt in the past.[00:26:00]

Hmm, that makes sense. I’m not the same person I was before, like many years ago.

Todd: Mm-hmm. And how specifically are you not the same person?

Client: I feel like thanks to the work I’m more open. I. To question things and not just take it by, if somebody says something, I’m, I’m more open spec specifically him. I’m more open to question it and not just take it believing in what I think he’d try to say or something like that. So at least I question it and that feels lighter.

Todd: It’s interesting how when you question your own thinking, it actually becomes easier to question other people’s thinking too, when they try to tell you to do something. Yeah.

Client: Yeah. [00:27:00]

Todd: So keep going. How are you not the same person? Like if he tries to interfere with your decisions again or something, which could happen.

Um, what are the, are there any other differences that support you? Now as opposed to when you were younger?

Client: Well, I have more experience now in general in life, so I can’t understand better what he went through as well and have compassion for that instead of just judging it like when I was younger and not understanding exactly what he, where he was coming from. So.

Hmm.

Client: A lot of things that, from what he said, make, make a lot more sense now that I have kids too.

Hmm. Yeah.

Todd: Yeah.[00:28:00]

And how might he be different as well? He may be just the same, but it’s if there could be any difference on his side, is that possible?

Client: Yeah, he is different in ways too. He’s more open to talk and that’s something that he didn’t do before, so that’s a big difference right there.

Yeah.

Todd: It’s like you can get stuck on the version 1.0 of your father and he is maybe on, uh. 2.0 by now and you are also on two or three or 4.0 yourself. So yeah, the assumption is it’s gonna be the way it was before, but is that really true?

Hmm.[00:29:00]

Client: And I can’t see how my mind like tries to. Send me back to the moments where I was younger and sh and show me, but look at this, look at that. It’s like, but we’re not there anymore, so. Right. Right.

Todd: So any other turnaround connecting with him is gonna make me feel like I did in the past.

How about not connecting with him is going to make me feel like I did in the past.

Client: Oh,

that one’s true. It’s like what keeps me [00:30:00] thinking the same thing I. I been thinking for 20 years or something like that, so that’s totally true.

Todd: No new data, just the same old data from way back.

Client: Right.

That makes so much sense. And I like closed the door to get new data from him. It was just what I think I knew. And that’s it. Nothing else. It didn’t update at all. Hmm.

Todd: It’s almost, it’s almost impossible. It’s very hard to move past how I felt in the past. If there’s no new data. It’s possible, but it’s much harder.

I.

Hmm.

Client: Yeah.

Todd: [00:31:00] Cool. Well, thank you, Edwin.

Client: Thank you.

Todd: If you would like to participate in open sessions like the one you heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and go to the open sessions page. And there you can see the schedule. You can read how the system works, and you can join us to bring your questions, to bring your stressful situations and do the work, uh, with me.

Also, while you’re at my website, the work as meditation.com, I also encourage you to check out the Work 1 0 1 course. I mention this course frequently. It is the core course of what I offer in the work of Byron Katie, and it’s a great way to go deeply into this process to learn the nuances to become self-sufficient and.

Questioning your stressful thoughts and to begin a practice of this if it interests you.

Next, I’m gonna read one of my newsletter articles [00:32:00] called I Need to Eat Something Sweet. Is that true?

I can resist everything but temptation. A client recently questioned the thought I need to eat something sweet. I. The situation was when he was driving home after eating out with friends, he was full, but the thought came, I need to eat something sweet. So we decided to question it. We spent an hour questioning just this one thought, and here’s a short version of what we found.

How he reacts when believing this thought while he was under the influence of the thought, I need to eat something sweet. Here are a few of his reactions. He started going on autopilot. Started thinking of specific treats to eat. Started justifying the need for sweets in order to feel better. Uh, started judging himself for not having better control, and [00:33:00] was wanting to actually use force to create a better lifestyle for himself.

He was feeling victimized, powerless, and his mind was exaggerating. The desire to. Make it feel like it was unbearable. I have to do something and. Then he ended up thinking that the only way to get rid of this feeling was to actually eat something. It’s like the mind was polarizing going on one side, uh, I’ve gotta eat something and the other shouldn’t eat something.

And it’s just this polarization happening. And it, it became more and more all or nothing and more and more dramatic. And it was really clear to see, uh, as he was reporting how he reacted. Then without the thought, imagining that what it would be like without this thought, he came, uh, to find another pe, another side of it without this thought that I need to eat something sweet.

He [00:34:00] started feeling the actual fullness of his dinner already in his stomach. Uh, he started thinking about other things, other interests. He was noticing other sensations like his cold hands. He was feeling much more present and feeling much freer. So the thought was enough to cause this intensification in the direction of his, his craving.

Um, and without the thought that intensification just faded and became much less of an issue. But my favorite part of his work was the turnarounds, for example. He found many turnarounds. One of ’em was, I don’t need to eat something sweet. And what he found is I already have plenty of calories in my body.

I had a sweet at the end of the meal, dessert, um, already full. Um, and in the end it was just a sensation, not even that strong of a [00:35:00] sensation, just kind of a mild want kind of feeling. But it wasn’t that strong ’cause certainly. Live without it. And one of the biggest ones for him was he didn’t want to feel stuffed.

So if he ate more after already eating, eating, he would just feel, uh, worse than he did at this point. Point, then another turnaround. I need to not eat something sweet. Um, examples to feel better, uh, to sleep better. To work better for his mind to function better and to explore other ways of experiencing fulfillment.

The mind locks in when it gets into a craving. It locks in on one thing, and that’s the only way to fulfill oneself. But, uh, that’s not always true. And it’s kind of, uh, interesting when you don’t fulfill a craving to start looking of other ways of finding fulfillment. They’re often there. And some of the following turnarounds built on that idea.

One turnaround is I need to eat something [00:36:00] sour or bitter or a pungent, maybe it was just a need for more protein or maybe there was a different flavor missing in the food. Um, for example, sometimes bitter is very satisfying and it kind of cuts the craving for sweet. Um, another turnaround. I need to listen to something sweet.

I love this one. Listening to music, talking with a friend, walking in nature, uh, listening to a good podcast. These are all ways of listening and having a sweet experience without actually putting anything more in the stomach. And likewise, I need to see something sweet, you know, watch a funny video, read something sweet, be with a friend.

Even just looking at the moon can be very sweet. I need to smell something sweet. The night air aromas even just smell of clean sheets going to bed. I need to do something [00:37:00] sweet. These are all different variations, different turnarounds. Planning a gift for someone or writing a kind note for someone, or volunteering in some way or thinking of something generous to do.

Even doing something like meditating or even doing the work can be a sweet experience that expands the heart and gives a sense of satisfaction, and it didn’t require eating anything at all. I found these turnarounds fascinating, as I often do in the work of Byron Katie. There were so many options that opened up so many ways to experience the craving besides just eating something more, and I think there could be many more examples of these turnarounds too.

What I would do is invite you to. Explore this yourself. You may have had similar situations, or you may have similar situations in the future. If it happens, then grab it as an opportunity and try questioning this thought. I need to eat something sweet find, you know, go through [00:38:00] the questions and then find turnarounds and see what you can discover as you make this work even more personal to yourself.

Also, you may want to make this kind of questioning a habit in your life as part of our online community called Inquiry Circle. And if you do, it’s uh, a wonderful place is where I do my work. And it’s a great way to have a support community for doing this kind of exploration. Finally, I’ll end with a quote from Byron Katie called, uh, from a book called Loving What Is.

The body is never our problem. Our problem is always a thought that we innocently believe the work deals with our thinking, not with the object that we think we’re addicted to. There’s no such thing as an addiction to an object. There’s only an attachment to the uninvestigated concept arising in the moment.[00:39:00]

So thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe to this podcast. Share it with a friend, uh, post something on social media. Leave a review for the podcast if you haven’t done that. And stop by the work as meditation.com to get my newsletter. To participate in open sessions like the one you heard here, and you’ll also find hundreds of articles there on the work of Byron Katie, as well as information about the courses I offer.

The Work 1 0 1 and work 1 0 2 and retreats, virtual retreats, as well as my ongoing practice group called, uh, inquiry Circle and private sessions with me, as I mentioned earlier, are a great way to. Go deeply into any subject with full support of me in a intimate setting. So thanks again for listening. I hope you enjoy the podcast.

I hope you have a great week ahead, and we’ll catch you next [00:40:00] time.