Why “Should” Culture Triggers Overwhelm in Highly Sensitive People—And How Inner Work Can Loosen the Grip

Client: [00:00:00] A voice in my head says I have to do things first I don’t like, and then I can do the thing I like and I really want to do. So it makes like a loop of feeling uncomfortable while I try to do the right thing. 

Todd: Welcome to Wiggle Room, a podcast where we start with stress and look for ways to turn it around.

And we use the work of Byron Katie, a simple way to question any thought that you may have, especially stressful thoughts. I’m Todd Smith and on the program today. One participant does the work on a rule that she’s had since childhood, which is I have to do the things I don’t like first. Then I can do things that I like, like my meditation.

There are also a couple really great questions. One about repetition, that feeling like, oh, I’ve done this before with the work. [00:01:00] And another one about when you’re writing a judge or neighbor worksheet and you come across that line. Three, uh, shoulds should statements and the mind’s like, oh, but I, I, I shouldn’t say should.

Um, so we’ll go into those questions as well in, uh, this open session. And finally we will, uh, read the newsletter article that I have called Have You Questioned Your Food, food Rules, which is an article I wrote a long time ago, and it’s relevant, I thought, especially to this idea of questioning rules that came up in the open session today.

So let’s dive into the work of Byron Katie together and explore what we can find when we start to question the thoughts that we’re believing. As always, I shared the unedited recording of the open session so that you, you can experience the work, um, as I like to do it in a very kind of organic way.[00:02:00] 

Client: So it’s interesting for me too because I think, I know the answer is no. And intellectually, but, uh, I don’t feel it in my body. So I think we could, 

Todd: uh, that’s the clue, right? I may know it, I may know it, but this part doesn’t feel it. And that’s what tells me time to do the work. That’s why it’s a meditation, not just an intellectual exercise.

So, great. 

Client: So I, and it’s quite long. Maybe we could shorten it a bit. Uh, it’s, I have to do the things I don’t like first on my list, then I can do my meditation. Okay. See, I, it’s an advice I give myself. I found it while I was doing a, a worksheet. 

Todd: Okay. So I have to do things I don’t like, uh, first and then I can do my meditation.

Is that what it was? 

Client: Yeah. 

Todd: Yes. Okay. And the situation is, uh, what, [00:03:00] what is the situation? 

Client: I was reading an email, uh, I was doing emails and I didn’t know if I wanted to answer it or not. I was angry a bit and the person who wrote me the email, and that pushed me to answer back quickly and without heart and without taking my time, and I could feel that it.

Rushed, but a voice in my head says I have to do things first I don’t like, and then I can do the thing I like and I really want to do. So it makes it like a loop of feeling uncomfortable while I try to do the right thing. 

Todd: Got it. Okay. So you have to do the things you don’t like first, then you can do your meditation.

Is that true?

Client: No. Okay. 

Todd: So how do [00:04:00] you react in that moment when you’re thinking about replying to this email and you think you believe that you have to do the things you don’t like First, I.

Client: I feel very stressed. I want to do it. I think that’s the right thing to do. Let’s do it. Come on. There’s the voice of the parent talking to my little child inside saying, let’s do it. Then we are free. Ah. So it seems a little bit good in a way, but it’s cold. I feel coldness rush. Gosh, my heart is beating faster and I’m more angry with this person than if I had time.

I, I really see that, but it gives me another reason for not liking this person. I, I have to answer.[00:05:00] 

Yeah. I’m not happy. How do you treat that? And I see it. I, yeah. I don’t like sitting No, go ahead. Go ahead and doing the task. Uh, I resent the computer. I resent my, my life, my how I’m doing things, the fact that I have a list.

Todd: And how do you treat your meditation? 

Client: Yeah. I don’t like it. E either or. I put it apart. I, I, I separate. It’s something else that I don’t look too much now with the thought. I put it aside. It’s for later, so I don’t treat it very as a important [00:06:00] thing. No, I, yeah. I can’t treat it.

Todd: So who would you be without the thought that you have to do the things you don’t like first? Then you can do your meditation.

Client: Yeah, it’s great. I, I, I I can ask you the question, uh, more, uh, honestly, what should we do now? I pose without the thought I pose and I think Now what do I want to do? What is a good thing? And there I can see, I better, maybe not right, right now because you’re not friendly with this person. Give it without the thought.

Uh, I pause, maybe I look at my list and think about my day and wonder how is it going to be.[00:07:00] 

With other things and maybe I look at meditation with more friendliness and think, ah, that’s a good thing I could do. Uh, I’m looking forward to it now, and I, I look at it and I think, ah, it’s also a thing on my list actually. It’s not that easy. And why not do that to, to advance? I’m back into normal, um, way of living without the thought more here.

Todd: So let’s turn the thought around. I have to do thing, the things I don’t like first. Then I can do my meditation. 

Client: I don’t have to do the things I don’t like first to then do my meditation. I don’t have to do the things I don’t like first. Yeah, I saw that [00:08:00] first. I’m not going to be nice at the person. 

Todd: Okay.

Right. 

Client: It’s not friendly, so I better not do it. Um, so again, uh, he’s not expecting me to answer back, so this is not waiting for it. I had seen that in my worksheet actually, so it’s not from him that I have the pressure. Nobody’s really telling me you have to do it. Um, 

Todd: yeah. When did you first have this thought in your life that you have to do the things you don’t like first before the things you like?

Client: It’s an old, old story from, uh, when I was really young. Yes. I, I can imagine my parent telling me, uh, better do that. And then you can go and play or then you can watch tv. 

Todd: I remember my, my dad with dad first you have to do your homework, then you can go [00:09:00] out and play. Right? And it was mm-hmm. Like the rule.

So, so the turnaround is I don’t have to do the things I don’t like first and then do my meditation. So how, any other examples for you why that’s true? 

Client: Because also the meditation is more important for me. Yeah. It’s, it’s really what I want to do, and then it’s long and consuming. Actually, the more I do it, the more I, I will get better.

It’s, it’s going to be, um, virtuous circles and that needs time.

Now it’s the perfect time to do it right now, and I try to make little spaces during my day to do it. So it’s perfect. I do by 10 minutes along the day. So it’s exactly the right practice, uh, [00:10:00] to do right now when I’m a bit in a, uh, not knowing what to do. I don’t have to do my practice to concentrate on my meditation.

Give me other ideas too. I could walk meditatively and do, do things like that at the same time. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. 

Client: When, when I, I don’t have the pressure I was in with the thought.

Todd: Yeah. So it’s, and it’s like an old answer. It’s food for the 

Client: person, 

Todd: it’s good for the person. Right, right. You’re more, yeah. I 

Client: respect, uh, him better. Live time and it prac it’s practice for, yeah, like I need to practice to do what is counterintuitive. Often when I do the work, I found all the time that what I thought was true is not true.

So [00:11:00] practice what is not obvious and hap habit to help attitude it. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. Just because it’s not habitual. And just because you’ve always done the hard thing first, the thing you don’t like first doesn’t mean that it’s always the best idea. Sometimes it might be intelligent and sometimes it may not be.

So then it’s not, you’re not stuck in a rule. That’s the beauty of questioning this thought, right. 

Client: Right. Yeah. It’s excellent that we anchor in this situation because it may be different in another one. In another one. It could be good to do the your what I don’t like first, if I really feel like, 

Todd: and what clued us in each time was your, 

Client: yeah, 

Todd: you’re feeling of stress, right?

In this situation that shows us that it needs to be questioned in this situation, but there might be another time. [00:12:00] It’s just really clear. I should do the hard thing first, then I can do my meditation. It’s not stressful because it just seems like the right thing to do. I don’t need to do the work there.

Right. So the stress just shows us once again that, that there’s something, I’m arguing, there’s something inside, there’s something I’m not, that’s not true for me. And when I look, you know, we’re fi we’re finding that. So it’s very specific. 

Client: Yeah, the stress is good. That’s nice to see. And 

Todd: yeah, stress is really yellow.

It’s a long block. 

Client: I can see that here, right? 

Todd: Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I can trust that. That’s my number one reason to do the work. Like if I feel stressed, I don’t need another reason. I’m not doing it to try to get anywhere. I just trust that when I feel stressed. [00:13:00] There’s something in there to look at. So, great.

Let’s look. And more often than not, I find something. So yeah, it’s, it’s interesting to question these rules. You know, the rules from childhood, how you should be, how you should act, and these rules may be very good in many cases. Sometimes they become like a prison and, and I cannot even listen to myself anymore.

So to question them gives us that little bit of wiggle room, right then, oh, I have the choice and maybe I will, um, use the rule this time and maybe I will forget about the rule this time. That’s freedom. 

Client 2: I, I’ll speak up. 

Todd: Okay, great. 

Client 2: Um, I. First, I wanna say a little bit of feedback A couple weeks ago when I shared, uh, a, uh, stressful [00:14:00] situation, um, it was quite an experience for me ’cause I, it felt like I was, um, really vulnerable and I was exposing, uh, all the stuff that I try so hard to keep hidden from others.

So it was, uh, I could, it took me a week before I could listen to the video, the, uh, audio because I was just like, I was just so blown away. But, so that’s why I’m stepping up right now too, because I 

Todd: want more practice. Thank you for your, um, being vulnerable. Thank you for your courage and, and for stepping up a few weeks ago was very inspiring.

The work. Oh yeah. So thank you. 

Client 2: Yeah. It was, uh, quite a, um. Turn around. I wrote about it in my spoken word work, if you want to read a little more about it. But, um, the question I had, uh, is, um, on doing the work, um, I’m on, uh, I’m taking the, um, [00:15:00] life, uh, the work, uh, for busy people. Okay. Introduce kind of my background and I am on, um, doing, uh, the, um, homework number four on.

On, um, line five, and I notice the thickness. Um, I notice when I’m doing line five and opposed to doing line four, uh, et cetera, that I have a lot of, um, similarities. My, uh, body, uh, my body feels the same way. My emotions feels very, you know, the same way. And I, um, it almost feels like it’s the same. I’m repeating myself and I’m not sure, uh, what, um, maybe there’s something different I need to look at, you know, as opposed to, um, last time it was, um, I need her to know that she is like everyone else and nothing special.

And my, um, [00:16:00] line five is, um, I, uh, she is, um, uh. And I’m not sure on this ’cause I have a word of, uh, a Miss Princess and so I’m not sure if, uh, it needs to be obnoxious or pompous or self important or how the Miss Princess it sits in. But anyway, that’s my question. 

Todd: Okay. Yeah, that’s a great question. Uh, this comes up a lot if you’ve done the work.

Um. If you’ve done the work at all, this probably has come up for you, especially if you’re using the judge your neighbor worksheet. So what happens when you write a judge, your neighbor worksheet, is you list a bunch of different stressful thoughts. There’s six lines on the judge, your neighbor worksheet, and each one kind of flushes out another set of.

Stressful thoughts related to the same exact trigger [00:17:00] situation, the same exact moment. So you’re looking at this one pinpoint moment in time and you’re coming, you’re noticing these thoughts were already here, but you’re noticing so many different stressful thoughts related to that one moment. And so you’ve really created a, a list of stressful thoughts that are.

Um, in some ways very similar. And so when you go into doing the work, you may start feeling like, oh, this is sounding really familiar. I’m, I’m answering the questions. How do I react? And, uh, and, and what I was, it, it’s reminding me of how I answered that question. When I was questioning another piece of this, so like as I go through the worksheet and I’m questioning one statement after the other, after the other, I may start to see a repetition come up and that can throw you off.

You’ll be like, Hey, what? I’m wasting my time. Why am, why am I, [00:18:00] why should I keep doing this? It’s so similar to what I already saw, but what I find. In doing the work of Byron Katie is that it is a meditative practice. It’s, it’s a meditation. And so when I sit to meditate, when I’m not doing the work, I do other meditation.

It’s the same practice, like each time it’s exactly the same practice. Um, and so I would say, Hey, I’ve already done this before, but. The difference is every time you sit to meditate, the experience is different. It’s like you walk through these same steps, but what you find, it may be similar, it may be different.

And what I like to do is just keep that openness of I don’t know what I’ll find. And so that’s the approach that I like to take with the work of Byron Katie, is that there’s. There may be some similarity. I may have been down this road before, but have I [00:19:00] noticed everything? It’s like a good detective, you know, like if you watch a TV series on some detective, they’re, or read a book, they’re, they’re like going over the same data and then same evidence.

Right? And then I. It finally dawns on them. Oh, that’s what that means. That connects to this. And like, oh, so it’s the same, it’s kind of boring from an outsider’s point of view, but, but that’s where this, the discovery can sometimes, uh, happen. Now another point on, on questions three and four of the work, which is how do you react?

What happens when you believe the thought and who would you be without the thought, like again, it’s experiential, but I’m really just looking at what’s the difference in my feeling in my, in my reaction, and how I live when I’m under the influence of that thought. And when I see that. Then I see that without the thought, it’s not as [00:20:00] stressful.

I’m way more open to go into the turnarounds and start looking and exploring those. So it’s kind of a preparation for getting into those turnarounds. So even though I may have done the work last week on that, I. Very similar statement. If I’m doing the work today on this statement, I will walk myself through that experience.

Like, oh, how do I react? Oh, I feel that anger, even though I’m not really angry now, but I can remember, oh yeah, I reacted like that. I treated them this way. I feel, you know, I, I treated myself this way, that those reactions, I just go through those. I touch basis on those, and then I go into the question four.

Who would I be without that thought? And I walk myself through that experience and that way on the experiential level, I’m starting to get it, I’m starting to see like, oh, this is a, this thought is causing a big difference in my experience in this situation, so maybe I’ll be willing to try turning it around.[00:21:00] 

So that’s the, that’s the overall approach is like, yes, this is repetitious. Yes, there is similarity, but, um, but. If you’re able to give yourself that be, be patient enough to give yourself that experience so that you can kind of walk the stuck part of you through the rest of it. And in the end, you may come to a point where you’re like, you know what?

I’ve had enough of this worksheet. I’m just like, it’s, it’s fine. You know? I get the whole big picture and I really don’t wanna go through the meditative process on that anymore. Fine. Okay. That’s the end of that worksheet. You can just say. Done at any point. Obviously you’re in a, in my class, so it’s a little bit slower and um, you know, it’s a little bit formal, but, but if you wanted to and say, I’m absolutely done with this worksheet.

I’ve got another worksheet, I’m gonna jump in and just trade out and keep doing the assignments on that [00:22:00] worksheet. You can do that. Um, but there is benefit in kind of going through the Yeah. The slow version, at least during the work 1 0 1. So that you get the experience of how much richness actually is there, even though you’ve walked that road a hundred times before.

So anyway, I don’t know if I addressed everything there, but, um, that’s, those are my thoughts based on what you were just, uh, asking. 

Client 3: Yeah. Alright. Thank you. I have a question, Todd. Sure. Amy. Um, in the judge, your neighbor worksheet, when I get to question three. What advice you would offer the person I hit a wall because the language that’s given is he or she shouldn’t or should.

And I, in my mind, maybe I’ve trained myself out of that word should and shouldn’t, but I can’t come up [00:23:00] with what I think it should or shouldn’t be because it should or shouldn’t be anything. You know, they should, they’re doing what they’re doing. If I don’t like it, it doesn’t matter. It just means they’re behaving in a way that’s brushed up against me.

But in my mind, I. I can’t come up with a should or a shouldn’t ’cause I don’t use that language in my everyday life or in any other area. Like, you should do that or you shouldn’t do that. I haven’t. Maybe I just haven’t got in touch with that part of me that can speak like that. But I find that a difficult question to answer and I wonder if there’s another way I could think about it.

Todd: Yeah, great question. Yeah. You know, a lot of us have this idea, should is a bad word, right? Mm-hmm. So don’t, don’t should, uh, and don’t, don’t use that word. And so soon as we hear that word, we immediately think, oh, no, shouldn’t, I shouldn’t say shouldn’t. [00:24:00] So I don’t. Um, and then, and what am I gonna do for question three?

Because the prompt is they should or they shouldn’t. Um, so. The key for me is getting in touch with the part of me that’s stuck. There’s a part of me that is believing that they are wrong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be feeling stress in this situation. There’s a part of me that’s arguing with the way things are, and so that part of me.

Actually does think that they should do something differently. I wouldn’t wanna admit that to myself because I’m don’t want to use the word should, but that that part of me exists. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel the, the, the, the stress that I do. So. Writing a or filling in a judge. Your neighbor worksheet is a meditation, just like answering the four questions and turnarounds and this meditation of filling in the judge.

Your neighbor worksheet is [00:25:00] about getting in touch with that part That’s like kind of buried down in there that we never give the time of day. And saying, Hey you, what do you think? And it’s like allowing the 2-year-old, you know, like the little crying baby to finally say. Uh, this is what I think, you know, and it comes out usually with a lot of emotion and a lot of shoulds and shouldn’ts and I wants, and I needs and, and all of that.

And it’s not normal because we’re so good at keeping that hidden down and under control so that we can function in the world. Right. So that’s a, that’s good. That’s good that we can keep it controlled. But when you’re doing the work. This is the opportunity when you can actually allow it to come out. You can actually express it and give it a chance to, uh, be heard and, and, and kind of scream out onto paper Uncensored.

That, and [00:26:00] if you allow that, what’s happened there is your emotions. You’re now in touch with your emotions like your, your. What you’re writing is connected to you, and it’s connected to that feeling of stress that you had when you got triggered. So now when you do the work on that statement that’s connected to your emotions, it’s going to start.

Changing things. And when you start seeing things differently, the emotions, it’s, it’s so connected to you. It’s not intellectual, it’s something real. So don’t skip this step or kind of jump over it, uh, uh, of like getting in touch with what’s really bothering you and, and kind of almost allowing yourself to be that childish part that really thinks that.

It’s almost like you’re going through a different mode. Yeah. 

Client 3: No, that makes sense. Thank you. Yeah, I, and maybe that’s all part of the issue, but I, I think the way that I could, I could definitely get in [00:27:00] touch with, I want, instead of he should or shouldn’t, or she should or shouldn’t, I can feel that there’s a, a greater potential to open up to that question if.

I can start it with, I want, so the way I want things to be different. So that clarifies things a little. 

Todd: Yeah, you can use some flexibility there. You know, if I want works better for you, then why not try that. Um, another thing you can do is just skip question three, which is the should. You’re just not, not feeling open to using that and just put everything on the.

Question two, which is I want, and question four, which is I need and just do it that way. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then it’s also helpful to look at question three a little more like what is it actually asking? Like I, they should, it’s saying what advice could you give them? So this is where the should may very subtle.

It may not be a bad kind of [00:28:00] should, but it’s like helpful advice. What would help them? To give you what you want. It’s still about me. But What would help you, what would help them to kind of do that? They should probably see some things. They should become aware of, some things they weren’t aware of, they should, um, I.

Ask some questions, maybe they should look at this or that. And, and sometimes the practical steps of should and shouldn’t don’t feel as kind of negative to the, to this mind. And, and you can, you can play with that because line two is where the real tantrum comes out. I want them to be different. Line line three is you’ve gotten that off your chest.

Now let’s look at what are the subtler pieces. What are the subtler arguments with reality that I’m doing? Like, oh, I think they should really, you know, put themselves in my shoes. [00:29:00] They should, um, imagine what it’s like to carry this burden. And then they should be sensitive to that when, when they’re talking to me.

You know, like that kind of should, doesn’t feel like with the same energy that you were originally. Um. I think talking about, 

Client 3: mm. Yeah. Thank you. 

Todd: Yeah, you’re welcome. That’s 

Client 3: helpful. 

Todd: Great.

So, you know, we get into all the details of these, the subtleties of filling in a judge, your neighbor worksheet in the work 1 0 1, and some of you’ve taken that course, but it’s a, it’s, there’s, there’s a lot of options for how to look at those questions that kind of. Meet you where you are. We’re not trying to just force ourselves into filling out a worksheet for some external reason.

It has to fit with us so you can kind of massage it and [00:30:00] find your way to it. Uh, but in my experience, these shoulds can be very interesting questions. A lot of really detailed, practical, almost like recipe type. Advices can come out. And then when I turn those around, those become really practical advices for myself.

Um, and that’s the beauty of it. If you would like to participate in open sessions, like the one that we heard just now, then go to the work as meditation.com and then go to open sessions. And there you can, uh, see how to get started on that. You’ll have to sign a release form and then once you do, you’ll get the schedule and you can sign up and participate.

It’s a great way to bring your own questions. Any places you’ve gotten stuck with the work or, um, to actually bring something to do the work on, and we can go through it together.

Next, I’m [00:31:00] going to read one of my newsletter articles called, have You Questioned Your Food Rules?

You Think Grapes Are Good for You or Bad for you? Let’s make a list. On a blank sheet of paper, write down all of your rules about food. You know the ones, the ones that stress you out, use short, simple sentences. Here’s a short version of my list. Nightshades should be avoided. Mushrooms are not good for the mind.

Garlic is bad because it’s antibiotic. Winter squashes clogged the channels. Eating. Standing up is bad for digestion. Milk should not be homogenized. I actually got these from my doctor and I have found these and other ru other rules about food to actually be very helpful, uh, for my health. [00:32:00] So learning rules is great, but the problem comes when you make absolutes out of simple guidelines.

That’s when things get stressful. That’s when fanaticism kicks in, which usually leads to binging and purging in some form or another, but it doesn’t have to be that way. For example, I’m traveling right now and while I generally like to follow my doctor’s advice, not to have nightshades, which are tomato, potato, eggplant, and bell pepper, on Sunday night I made, I had a full plate of tomato spaghetti with big chunks of garlic floating in it.

It was served to me by my family when I arrived and I received it with an open heart. Sure I picked over the garlic ch chunks, but I enjoyed it without stress because I had already questioned my food rules. In fact, I was happy that garlic was included. I was getting over a cold and its antibiotic property may have even helped [00:33:00] me.

How to avoid black and white thinking. If you don’t question your food rules, then you can become a victim of black and white thinking. You can find yourself in uncomfortable situations where you won’t eat something that is served or where you want something that you cannot have. It’s no fun to be a perfectionist about food because you can’t always control what is available.

Questioning your food rules can add a sprinkle of flexibility in your life. I invite you to do that. Tell me what you learn. It certainly has helped me to be less of a health food fanatic, and my favorite turnaround, here’s my favorite. Every food without exception has some calories in it. Even if you have reasons not to like it, you could easily survive on it for quite a while.

So I’ll end with this quote from Byron Katie in her book. Question [00:34:00] Your Thinking, change the World. When we try to be safe, we live our lives being very, very careful, and we wind up having no lives. I like to say don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.